I've lost myself and I think my wife hide me somewhere!

[brookss1967]

This is my first post,
  I'm 57 years old, been married to my wife for 22 years, who is 60, from Colombia, South America. Six years ago she had a emotional break down and everything imploded. She accused her best friend and I of having an affair, which never happen. Her friend almost immediately went no contact, which devastated my wife. I spent years sitting with her, talking and crying. She was paranoid, lost trust in everyone, I answered her truthfully, I tried to support her and begged her to get professional help. I had no Idea what to say, or how to help.  Time passed , I went from her confidant to a co-conspirator trying to make her go crazy, so I could leave with the house and our son. Up and down , good days and bad weeks. She told me I spent to much time on my hobbies, no more scale models, no more painting , no more wood working, no more cars. It broke my heart to see her like this and I did anything she wanted, to "make her happy." Last years she told me "No more sex!" "If you didn't like,  do what ever you needed to do." I stood by her.In November she told me she agreed that she had a problem, and wanted to get help. She couldn't find a therapist in the US she trusted. In the meantime I was told I was a bad father to our son, a bad master to our dog, a horrible husband, and she felt used when we had sex. On my birthday in February, first thing in the morning she told me "I didn't buy you a gift because I want a divorce." for the Month and a half between my birthday and April she didn't speak to me touch me, or acknowledge me existence, while we were still living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed. In early April she left for vacation in Colombia, with her family. She has called me multiple times a day , changed her mind about the divorce and is seeing a phycologist. She seem to be doing much better, 900 miles away from me, with zero stress and family around her. As for her Psychologist, he seem to be filling her with self love advice, Seem a little sallow for BPD, I'm sure he know better then me. But in public she seem to suppress her symptoms extraordinarily well, she has only had 8 sessions, I wonder how deep he's digging. She has gained a lot of weight , which has been a trigger in the past, I know I will pay for that. I started seeing a therapist last week to learn to deal with way to much emotion for a old man. I told him my story and he gave me a name for the possible problem, Borderline Personality Disorder. For me it ignited my lost hope, I ordered "Stop Walking on Eggshells" I have watch and read anything I can get my hands on , during every free moment I have  studying BPD. I didn't realize how exhausted I am, I feel like I am approaching burned out, to quickly be followed by burned down. One doctor says, "there is hope." another one says "Run now before you are crushed by the stress." I'm not even sure if she love me anymore, or sees my willingness to sacrifice as a weakness to be exploited while she finds someone else. When I am thinking logically, I contemplate cutting my losses, and settling for living my last years alone and in peace. When the emotions come rushing in, I sink back into my love for her and just can't give up on her until she gives up on me. I've lost all my friends , gave up great jobs because she didn't feel secure about them, hobbies, other interest and  I'm fairly sure I have lost myself in this mess somewhere. I'm certainly not as decisive as I use to be. I feel like I am a servant, who is losing his usefulness. I cant get past feeling like I'm going to fail again.       

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