Emotional roller coaster after the breakup

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I think I'm going to write on how I feel each day and keep a log here to record the progress that I'm making.



Day one

I got out and I was very sad, I cried and grieved. But I know I did the right thing for me and for my family.

Day two

I went to move my stuff. With the helps from friends and family. The fight he started at the end, I understood where he was coming from. Somewhat I think he still thinks I will go back to him until he saw I took everything(he had nothing when I started dating him. Spent all the money on marijuana. My family bought all the furnitures. ) He was so angry that I took everything away from him including our dog (I bought her. And I was the caretaker, but the dog does love him more). I felt very guilty for doing it. But who will feel guilty for making me feel so powerless and shuttered? I know he doesn't. I know I did the right thing for myself.


Day Three

just started. My dog woke me up, and I got up. First thing I did - I came here to check if there is any new reply to my thread. I desperately needed help. I need somebody to talk to. I need another person to know about how painful I'm feeling right now. I feel the world is falling down on me. I'm just so depress. I started blaming myself again. It was me who didn't do enough, it was my fault. I'm feeling so helpless. I wished I had the strength to do it. I wished I was mentally prepared for this breakup. It happened just so so soon, I didn't expect it at all. On the back of my head might have prepared for this a long time ago. My logically mind kept telling me not to ignore the red flags anymore... .

Life is a lot easier without him. Why do I even miss him? I wanted him but not the him with BPD. I still refused to wake up from this long long nightmare. There is nothing I could do about it. I don't know how to love myself. I don't know how to love. I'm now left in a deep dark place where no one could come in to rescue me, unless I can do it on my own. I'm so weak, I'm so scared. I start crying again... .what hurts the most are not the name callings, breaking ___; they are the broken dream and promises. It will never happen with him. Not him. Forget about him. Think he's dead. Yes I should think he's dead and I'm just grieving for a loved one who no longer existed in the world I live.

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

I think I'm going to write on how I feel each day and keep a log here to record the progress that I'm making.



Day one

I got out and I was very sad, I cried and grieved. But I know I did the right thing for me and for my family.

Day two

I went to move my stuff. With the helps from friends and family. The fight he started at the end, I understood where he was coming from. Somewhat I think he still thinks I will go back to him until he saw I took everything(he had nothing when I started dating him. Spent all the money on marijuana. My family bought all the furnitures. ) He was so angry that I took everything away from him including our dog (I bought her. And I was the caretaker, but the dog does love him more). I felt very guilty for doing it. But who will feel guilty for making me feel so powerless and shuttered? I know he doesn't. I know I did the right thing for myself.


Day Three

just started. My dog woke me up, and I got up. First thing I did - I came here to check if there is any new reply to my thread. I desperately needed help. I need somebody to talk to. I need another person to know about how painful I'm feeling right now. I feel the world is falling down on me. I'm just so depress. I started blaming myself again. It was me who didn't do enough, it was my fault. I'm feeling so helpless. I wished I had the strength to do it. I wished I was mentally prepared for this breakup. It happened just so so soon, I didn't expect it at all. On the back of my head might have prepared for this a long time ago. My logically mind kept telling me not to ignore the red flags anymore... .

Life is a lot easier without him. Why do I even miss him? I wanted him but not the him with BPD. I still refused to wake up from this long long nightmare. There is nothing I could do about it. I don't know how to love myself. I don't know how to love. I'm now left in a deep dark place where no one could come in to rescue me, unless I can do it on my own. I'm so weak, I'm so scared. I start crying again... .what hurts the most are not the name callings, breaking ___; they are the broken dream and promises. It will never happen with him. Not him. Forget about him. Think he's dead. Yes I should think he's dead and I'm just grieving for a loved one who no longer existed in the world I live.

[Newton]

Meg... .I arrived here a broken mess... .my thoughts were racing, i felt like I could never recover from such pain and all I wanted was for my ex to "realise" what she had done.

With the support of people here, my family (to a certain extent as they couldn't really understand), medication and a great therapist I slowly, very slowly emerged from my darkest days.

The pain of these relationships can feel unberable at times, I truly know that.  And yet we do bear it with the support of others. We are trauma bonded to these people and need to work through the loss, as with any addiction.

Your idea of journeling is great    Have you looked at the workshops here on 'looking after yourself'?  It's been far too long putting yourself second best and time to make yourself a priority... .the steps you have taken already are all in the right direction and I think you are selling yourself short in how much you've acheived already by leaving.  It was incredibly brave of you... .

My dog was such comfort at times (and got me out of the house for a walk when I felt like a day in bed with the curtains closed!)

It will take time to FEEL the progress you are making but just posting here and taking small steps at a time is all you need to do right now.  Some days you will stumble... .it will be ok.

As the great W.Churchill said "If you find yourself going through hell... .keep going".   

[Vindi]

it is only day 3 and this path is a tough one, you are grieving the dreams of what you thought the relationship would have. You have to remember, as you said, the name calling and breaking sh** is not good, that is not healthy, and you should think of that. Please know this is soo new, and it will be hard the next few days, weeks and months. You need to do a positive thing each day, look in that mirror at yourself and realize what a beautiful person you are, a wonderful person a caring person... .give yourself a hug each day. Post here each day, several times if that helps.

Break ups are not easy, yes, we all wish life was happy and great, but honestly, you knew you had to end it, thats why you did, you will miss him etc.

You are so not alone... .how are you feeling today and what is running thru your mind. Can you make a list of the good and bads and see probably how many bad things you did deal with.

Just keep posting, I know it will help. I just like to post and respond to threads just so I can keep active, maybe help someone or learn from someone. I do know breakups suck and they are so hard to

get thru.

Wishing you strength, comfort and support and ((hugs))

[OTH]

Day one

I got out and I was very sad, I cried and grieved. But I know I did the right thing for me and for my family.

Deciding to leave an important relationship to you is a difficult decision. Good for you. You saw it wasn't working and decided to make a change.

Day two

I know I did the right thing for myself.

He decided to spend all his money impulsively and leave you to take care of the adult things. People make bad decisions all the time. They need to be left to deal with the consequences of those decisions. He is not your child. You did the right thing. 

Day Three

My logically mind kept telling me not to ignore the red flags anymore... .

Life is a lot easier without him. Why do I even miss him? I wanted him but not the him with BPD. I still refused to wake up from this long long nightmare. There is nothing I could do about it. I don't know how to love myself. I don't know how to love. I'm now left in a deep dark place where no one could come in to rescue me, unless I can do it on my own. I'm so weak, I'm so scared. I start crying again... .what hurts the most are not the name callings, breaking ___; they are the broken dream and promises. It will never happen with him. Not him. Forget about him. Think he's dead. Yes I should think he's dead and I'm just grieving for a loved one who no longer existed in the world I live.

Your heart and mind are not in sync. You know the relationship is bad for you but you still care about him. That's normal. It is hard to just turn those feelings off. It takes time.

How do you love yourself? Good question. Spend time with family and friends. Do the things you love. Pick up a new hobby or try to master a new skill. Excercise. Eat healthy. It is a maturing process. To learn to accept loss. To sit with the hard feelings while doing good things for yourself. In time it gets better and the next time you suffer loss you'll know what to do. You'll remember it gets better. You'll appreciate your good relationships (family and friends). You'll have better boundaries for your next romantic relationship. Time does heal.

[rdtx]

Wow - Day 3 is tough sledding no matter how you slice it - but Kudos! You are on the way!

I'm Day 86 of NC and am still scratching fleas periodically.

Day 3 was part of the Shellshocked/what the heck Just Happened Here? Phase - nothing makes sense and the facts seem contradictory and confusing.

I suggest a Therapist that is familiar w/BPD - someone who can objectively sift through the particulars of your relationship and point out the Standard Issue BPD Behaviors (there are a lot of 'em).

This will not only validate your current feelings but it will help alleviate any weird guilt/sense of remorse based on what you did/didn't know/say/do in the relationship.

[gina louise]

meg,

I am 17 days out and I cried this morning, after not crying for days.

I still wonder what happened that HUSBAND could just toss me out like garbage-and at great hardship to myself with little money and no job. He blamed me for all his life's problems-He was the real victim here?

This was a HUSBAND who a week before had said he loved me. Yet a week later saw fit to file for divorce, telling me via text, from work!

Hmmmmm. major disconnect there.

If I had believed him and left every time he claimed HE was DONE we might have broken up more than two times.  ;p

It's a process of back and forth. I feel better some days than others.

PUH-leeze can they take ALL the engagement ring commercials OFF the air NOW? Along with Guys buying Xmas vehicles for their starry eyed wives? that too!

(sourest of grapes here... .)

We need time to get our heads around the crazy making behavior. It will never make sense.

But we can feel better that we probably did ALL we could to maintain our end, and keep the r/s going.

GL

[Tazmo7521]

 I need another person to know about how painful I'm feeling right now. I feel the world is falling down on me. I'm just so depress. I started blaming myself again. It was me who didn't do enough, it was my fault. I'm feeling so helpless. I wished I had the strength to do it. I wished I was mentally prepared for this breakup. It happened just so so soon, I didn't expect it at all. On the back of my head might have prepared for this a long time ago. My logically mind kept telling me not to ignore the red flags anymore... .

Meg,

First off I am sorry to hear that you experienced this pain.  Second, don't blame yourself for the actions of others.  I have come to realize that many of these types of relationships are based on a power struggle for control of your mind, soul and body.

The person displaying the PD traits keeps us at a distance when we get too close to their heart, and when we begin withdraw, that is when they choose to try and get closer.  It is all a defense/coping mechanism.

I think it is great that you are journaling your thoughts, feelings, and experiences.  It will be a good frame of reference for you in the future.  

[Cmjo]

Hi Meg,

I really understand how you feel, you are probably in shock that you found the strngth to leave. After trying so hard to rationalise, bargain, telling yourself they will get better, or thinking I can cope with this cant I? Then it hits you and one day you know you have to go. So you do it... .and you know there is no turning back this time, even though you would love to turn the clock back to one of those special moments that you thought life couldnt get any better, at least we all did have those moments. You would love to turn the clock back to last week when you were still with him and hadnt made that decision yet, at least you had the stability of what you knew, rather now the instability of the unknown future.

I am interested to know what was it that gave you the strength to leave so suddenly.

I understand why you had to leave suddenly, because he would not accept it was over, or he didnt believe you were really serious, or you just couldnt face the conversation and the pain and the tears. I rang my uBPDh in the evening after I had spent the day moving my stuff into a hotel. He was at the supermarket. i said I have left and I am not coming back. He said well didnt you have the courage to say it to my face. Make sure you get yourself a good doctor and get cured!

The pain, I am feeling it right now. I am thinking of you whereevr you are. You are not alone or isolated. You have been true to YOURSELF, something which you really needed to do. You havent done anything bad or anything wrong. You were just very unhappy and hurt, and knew in your heart someone who said they lovednyou should treAt you better.

Keep posting every day. Someone will always reply. It will be hard for a few more months yet, but take one day at a time. If all else fails eat chocolate!

[BleedsOrange]

You'll hear it a billion times here: Your feelings are normal, so let them happen. Stick with us, we've all been there. I mean three days out- wowza! You sound objective and reflective and that is good. Be proud of yourself.

Talking about the emotional roller coaster after the breakup made me think... .not a lot... .but think none the less. The relationship itself was an emotional roller coaster. We have all discussed the chemical addiction we can neurologically develop to that chaos. We talk about how hard withdrawal is from that dependency. Maybe in al lot of ways the breaks on the roller coaster dont stop it immediately. The drug just hasnt even worn off enough to feel withdrawal. Maybe in a lot of ways, on its own, it can coast to a stop. Tools found here, your journaling and your honest objective reflection will help it stop faster. The fact that you made the decision to leave already shows that you recognize the unhealthy nature of the relationship, and demonstrates your strength. You will have good days and bad. Days of confusion and clarity. Write them both down. The people here can help you with the confusion, support you in the clarity and it gives you a resource when you feel lost to remember where you came from. On days when you feel like you lost your way, it can serve as a map  of where youve been and how you got there. I am sorry for your pain. I have certainly had my share and some seconds. I cannot stress enough how helpful this resource has been for me, and if you need it, it will be to you too.

Best Wishes.

[Tazmo7521]

Hey All,

I figured it out.LOL.  We keep classifying these PD relationships as an emotional rollercoaster.  I think an emotional merry go-round that never stops until one party decides to get off describes the process better. 

[Take2]

Meg... .

I feel the same way,  where you said that life is so much easier without him and wondered why you even miss him... .I wonder why miss my ex right now.

Why miss someone so incapable of being supportive when there is a real crisis going on and he still finds it more important to accuse me of false/delusional things just to make him back to being to focus of my world.

And that Churchill quote about going thru hell... .so good that I might just need to stick that up on a piece of paper to remind myself not to get stuck yet again... .

Hang in there... .   there are alot of us here... .

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

Hi all, thanks for sharing your thoughts and giving me advice. I cried when I read your posts.

Continue on Day 3:

I went to school today, talked to my professors about my circumstance, they were very understanding and extended the deadline on the projects I was behind. Felt depress the whole day. Didn't eat anything, I have been on liquid diet because I couldn't swallow (tried to eat, but ended up puking)

Almost cried in class, I wasn't thinking about what I did and how we ended this way anymore, I just simply felt very sad, I couldn't explain why. Although I'm aware this emotion is very normal, because it's been only 3 days.

I know I will be fine. I know I will. Plan to go visit my father and friends back home, I'll have a friend come school to go with me. We are going to buy flight tickets tomorrow. I haven't had fun in such a long time. I missed my friends back home.

I know there are so many people who truly care for me, and when I'm at my worst, they are always there for me. All my friends from home told me " just come back!" "we bought a house, you can come stay with us if you have nowhere to go!" feeling the warmth and support made me cry again. I'm a cry baby.

I know how attractive I am and how talented I am in art. I also know I have a very easygoing personality. I know everything he told me wasn't true. I don't believe any of it. I started to believe that the more he hates me, that means the more he loves me. Because there was love, there was hate. I wish I could just hate him. I know that someday I will be in love again.

Also bought some books, "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" and "Your Ex-Factor". I've never been a reader, lately I found reading help me to calm down a lot.

[OTH]

Hey All,

I figured it out.LOL.  We keep classifying these PD relationships as an emotional rollercoaster.  I think an emotional merry go-round that never stops until one party decides to get off describes the process better.  

Ferris Wheel? Lol

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

Day 4.

No sleep at all. Have to get up in 2 hours for school.

I was surprised how I could still be able to do so good in school when I was living with him and fighting almost everyday. Now he's not behind my back to control me anymore, I have all this time to study and do even better in school, but I don't feel like it. I have to force myself to live the everyday life.

Just an hour ago, I was feeling better, and glad I finally left. Now, I'm depress and want to cry again.

I don't know if I do love him or he forced me to think that I do love him. I wasn't ready when we first started dating. I wanted to take it slow and get to know him better first. He rushed it, somewhat forced it, and I let him do that to me. I was so lonely and desperately wanted to love someone and be loved by that person. He came across and everything was like a dream - almost too good to be true. He treated me like a princess.

I just need to face the reality that I was living in a lie the whole time. Feel like he cut my chest open and grabbed my heart out with bare hands, then tossed it on the ground. I've lost so much and sacrificed so much for him, told me that I don't ever love him?

There will be a career networking event at night. I'm going to go because it will be great for my career.

Relationship sucks. Currently I don't think I could ever love someone again. Although I know this thought is also temporary... .So contradicting.

[Newton]

 Hi! Hi meg, sorry to hear that sleeping has been difficult. Its hard to relax when our minds are churning over the past. 

Its great that you are attending the career evening later today   Doing positive things for yourself and your future will distract you, even temporarily from the negative feelings and thoughts.

I can understand the conflicting emotions of missing him, and yet knowing how destructive it was for you.  It takes time to really process what we have been through when we have invested so much in someone who turns out to be very different than we imagined, or hoped for.  It feels like a terrible betrayal of trust.

The craving to be with a person who has idealized us, then been abusive is very confusing at first.  Understanding the condition and the futility of a relationship with an untreated pwBPD will appeal to our logic, but takes a while to sink in on an emotional level.

I am so pleased to see you posting regularly, I hope your evening is productive.

Take care of yourself, members here are looking out for you 

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

Day 4 - pt 2

Overslept. Missed the first class. Emailed the professor about my circumstance. I went to talk to the academic advisor yesterday as well about what I'm dealing with. A friend from school was like "Why do you tell them?" I answered,"Why not? I don't feel ashamed at all."

Started crying again when I saw his mother's email, and she told me she was crying as she wrote the email.

And I started to feel very very sad. Perhaps I understand the pain in his mother is way deeper than mine. Because eventually I will move on to find that right person, and I can cut off all tights with him. But his family can't.

I don't know what I'm thinking, I'm so clear that this is done and I'm working on healing, I don't have any hope that him and I can reconnect in the future. Simply no more. Right now I just simply feel very sad.

I can almost cry my eyes out. Inside of me that scared little girl is screaming for attention and help– I stopped talking about him to my family and friends because they don't understand why I would feel sad because this is someone who treated me poorly... I don't want to wear them out.

I just wish God could hear my prayers, gives me strength to help me overcome this, and forget about everything.

[OTH]

Print out the 10 beliefs. Read them until they sink in.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

Look to the right of this page at the top. The five stages of Detachment. Stage 1?

You are hurt. It is understandable. Be kind to yourself. Take some time to do some things you enjoy. You will heal. It will get better  

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

Hi Newton, thank you for following up on me.

I just try do the things that would help the career I will be starting very soon. I have great passions in the field I study and so far that is the only one thing which kept me feeling good about myself in the past one year, and I know that if I keep working hard, someday I will become a very successful business woman.

That takes me back to the question : how to define being successful in women's lives?

Career? Marriage? Both? Can't have both all the time.

In the culture I was growing up, women needs to have happy marriages to be "successful". Somewhat I am scared that I will never be able to find love again. I know I'm still very very young, I'm 25 and just about to get out of college and start the career I dream to have.

He always bragged about me to his friends or anyone that he met, and was always so proud of me for the work I made, last time he said "looking at my work makes him feel like a loser" (in a joking way)

I have to overcome this grieve, I know that God will not give me anything I can't take. He has been giving me so much challenges in the past year because he wanted me to discover my inner strength what has been stopping me from being happy – I need to learn to love myself and love the people who love me. I know this is all in God's plan.

Can't stop crying ever since I woke up. I'm very glad that I found this board and found you guys who truly understand how I feel and had been to this path.

[BleedsOrange]

I dont know of these suggestions will help at all, but I remember riiiiiiight where you are. DONT FRET! We've all known the crippling sorrow, the bizarre physical reactions to it... .the whole gamut. Again, youre only four days out, so everything that youre feeling is completely normal. On my worst of the breakups I was where you are for weeks. It was affecting my work. I hated work, I hated music, I hated philosophy and I hated art. I am supposed to LOVE those things! Those things are a part of me not her! Right?

So, I nearly lost one of my contracts, but didnt because my client had been close to me for a while and watched my descent. I finally forced myself out of the pattern because I knew I couldnt live like that any more. The mornings were hard. Almost the worst. Nothing seemed important and i would usually talk to her in the morning- it was part of my routine. So, I changed my routine. I worked out every morning. Now, it wasnt just that easy. I would still wake up sad every morning, but when I felt that urge to hit snooze and try to sleep until I wasnt sad, I told myself, "I will not let myself live like this anymore!" Cheesy? Yes. You can come up with your own phrase or thought or mantra, but I found that it helped snap me out of my patern of thinking, so I could then snap myself out of my pattern of behavior. Now as you have heard from others, working out is so great because you get a sense of accomplishment and all that. For me though, I think that it chemically gave me something to replace the old chemicals I got in the morning (substance addicts do the same thing). I still thought of her alot at the beginning WHILE I was working out, but as the results started growing, it became more and more about me.

THE AFTERNOON: She and I would talk every day at lunch. It was part of my routine. Now I would get sad at lunch every day. It would affect my work. That, I finally decided, is unacceptable. This one was rough though. I couldnt just run to the gym real quick, or bash something with a pipe till i felt better (trust me, people look at you funny). So, when I felt my chest clench, I would go to the bathroom, splash water on my face and say, "I will not let myself live like this anymore!" Then, if I still felt a bit bummed, I would call a friend and bhit a little, but i would make sure to ask them how they were doing very soon into the conversation. Iwould make sure that the convo centered around work so that I could get the focus shifted more onto what I needed to do. This one was rough because I didnt have the freedom to do anything that I wanted to keep on a movin, but eventually it did help, and the old routine faded. i think you mentioned you were an art student- I could be wrong. Thats awesome! I miss my fine arts classes. I, you see, am a graphic designer, or more aptly, a corporate art whore . If you're still doing fine art, and you have problems in the afternoon, what a great time to do some expressive peices or sketches that can become pieces. That way, you can still focus on work, you get to uninhibitedly feel your feelings and you get to create something. Creation is the most pure form of existence, so, BONUS!

THE EVENING: Bummer, I gotta drive home. Normally I would be on the phone right now. Its part of my routine. Wait a second! My phone calls other people! People who like me, wait no, who LOVE me. I call them. We bullPLEASE READ about our days and I head to the pub. I know everyone at my pub so, its kinda like an expensive living room . I play alotta darts, I bhit about politics, we are horrible cads about women... .you know, pub stuff. Now eventually, I realized that i was becoming kinda a barfly... .and possibly drinking on the reg. That aint to good, but it was good to be social again and laugh and be around friends, but it was time to move on, and my old routine was getting broken about where I got my laughs and companionship. So, I started going to the pub less and less. Eventually I would go one day a week, when all of my closest friends would meet up and we would do all the things we would normally do without the giant bill of going there constantly . So I needed something new. So, I found a riend who lived close to me that needed something to do every day to unwind after work. We decided that we would either go out and play some soccer, or if we werent up to it, at least walk around the park. Sometimes I would go by myself. A lot of times I would still think and talk about it, but even when I did after an hour or two of waking or running, my routine of sitting and being angry or craving her was being broken.

These things arent easy fixes, they took time- more time than I would have liked, but they helped drastically from what I was like even the day I started them. I suppose my point is that when youre in any serious relationship, that person becomes a part of your life and a part of your routine. When that part isnt there any more you want it. It helps to know when those times are (ugh mornings and nights), and replace what was there with something nes, or something old that you had previously left. I know this isnt some grand revelation Ive made, but even when you feel at your worst, I promise there is an end in sight, and you will remember all the things around you that have always made your life rich.

Oh and one more thing: dont worry about finding love again. It will find you. In fact its already all around you! Get yourself back. When you do, that new, refreshed feeling will be better than any magical thoughts about love you could imagine!

My fingers hurt, so im gonna stop typing and sell some socks or whatever drivel they want me to make today

[myself]

Feel like he cut my chest open and grabbed my heart out with bare hands, then tossed it on the ground.

Sorry you are hurting, please believe that in the long run you will be better from going through this, facing it, working on your own life, staying away from people who cause you so much pain. I chose the quote above because so many of us have felt this way, but we need to remember so much of this was just a dream. See this as happening in a dream that was partially real but never could have been lived out forever. You're waking up now, and finding your heart is still intact, still beating, still growing. It's still inside of you. You wrote many positives about yourself, please keep those in mind and redirect your focus towards what is so good about you. Be creative! Be kind! Feel attractive! What you're going though is a time of loss and detaching, moving on, letting go of what someone else said to you and hearing your own voice (and heart) now. Hang in there, reaching out when you need to, crying when you feel to, release what is tense inside of you so your body, mind, and heart can relax. You will settle into your real self and live a good life. This is all so fresh. You'll make it through. Honor your own heart and live accordingly. Those who can't accept it don't get to share in it.

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

Day 4 pt 3/ day 5

I began the day crying. Talked to my mother. Grieved for him having BPD. Knowing that I couldn't do anything. I am just so clear, but I didn't know why I was feeling so sad, yet I knew it is really normal. Reading a self improvement book helps me to be more rational.

I forced myself to go to school, and I was running late. It was an important day because my school project is due and my professor won't accept late work. I wasn't thinking much, I just tried to get to school as soon as I can.

Went to school, turned in the project, the professor was about to leave but he waited for me because he knew I'm having some hard time these day, and I used to be on top of everything in the past, this was unusual but he could understand. Saw a good friend in school, she helped me to find a cheap flight ticket back home, and I booked it right away, so I'm going back home to reconnect with my old friends next week, I'm actually pretty excited, I've been missing them.

At night I went to a career networking event with my friend. I talked to a several people, and obtained some business card, one of them might be my "future boss" because I've been thinking to apply there right after I graduate. The guest speaker was a designer from Facebook. I felt very good around the people who are in my field.

After that my friend came to my home, and we had dinner with my mom. We spent some time drinking a couple glasses of wine, talked about our goals in life, our past relationships, school, movies, and other girl's topics. I was having a very good time. I actually could be able to feel starving for the very first time and I ate a decent amount.

After my friend left, I talked to my mother for quiet a while... .we talked about the issues that had impacted me as a kid growing up, I found out I was always bullied in school by either teachers or peers from kindergarden to 6th grades. I constantly wanted to do things for people in order to be "recognized and accepted" ( I had transfer to soo many different schools during my childhood) Therefore, I found the roots of my codependent issue.

I cried again when I talked about him and his illness to my mother, she started to understand this is an illness, he wasn't a "devil". I cried and regretted at times I was mean to him when he needed validating badly, I didn't know about his disorder by then and I didn't know his pain. Now I know every time he threatened me to leave, he was actually afraid that I will abandon him, because he knew his action has already damaged the relationship. He wanted me to reassure him every time by telling me to leave or acted he is leaving me. He wanted me to beg him to stay to reassure that I really want him. That was why he got so upset when I just let him leave or started packing my stuff when he told me to leave(I didn't know about BPD by then!) I was blaming myself, but then my mother told me "think in this way, you did one thing that is bad and hurt him, but he did 100 things that are bad and hurt you. So don't feel bad for the one thing you did." I guess she's right.

Tomorrow (today since it's 5AM) I will go to a career lunch networking event at a company I'm going to apply at right after I graduated. Talking to people in real life felt very great, I haven't done it in a while.

[Newton]

It's great to hear you have good support from friends and family... .it's a very raw time for you... .getting your appetite back, focusing on yourself and your career are such positives 

Try not to beat yourself up with guilt too much about what you could have done better... .we can all only act on the knowledge and life experience we have at any given moment in time.

When I first found bpdfamily.com I thought "great!, this is the fix I have been looking for! If only I had known sooner!"... .The communication tools and info here about BPD can stop making things worse... .but in order for significant improvement in your relationship he would have had to be determined and committed to YEARS of intensive therapy... .and even then the results may have been far from what you deserve and want from a trusting fulfilling relationship.  Imagine the possible effect that would have had on your ambitions, your focus and your career. 

Without him accepting and confronting his issues the push/pull and abuse would have continued... .no amount of effort or insight from you would have changed that.

ps/ great point you made about talking to people in "real life"... .normal conversations can seem quite alien to us when we initially emerge from the FOG.  When we spend lots of time around dysfunctional people it's easy to lose sight of how straightforward it is to interact with those who are rational, balanced and healthy.

[gina louise]

Meg,

Practice a little Retail Therapy.

Go buy yourself something you can wear (a piece of jewelry?) or see every day (wall art?) that represents YOU. MAKE IT ALL ABOUT YOU.   

Your talents, your beauty, your strengths... .   Gift-Red

Remind yourself every time you see it that you are very important and valued. YOU MATTER!

Change your routines as BleedsOrange suggested.

Actually I am going to use those too! so TY BleedsOrange!

Add new or different activities that can become positive habits.

Sweety, you are going to get better every day, like all of us.   

 

GL

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

Newton, I found morning is the hardest. When I wake up each day, I have to remind myself again that he is not in my life anymore. Feel like I need to go through the pain over and over again. I cry in the morning and at bed time, also sigh a lot when it gets dark out. I'm afraid of going to sleep and get up to go through the pain all over again everyday. I've been sleeping only 2,3 hours everyday in the past 5 days. Plan to take some Zquil and go to bed early tonight.


Hi Gina,

thank you for your suggestion. I do indeed start feeling better as each day goes by. It still hurts when friends and family mention his name, I told them I don't want to talk about him and how he mistreated me anymore because I'm trying to forget. Talking about the bad things he did only cause more pain in me. I just want to forget.

I've been running around and tried to keep myself busy. I know I will be better soon.

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

Day 5 - pt2

I got up this morning and felt really depress again. The first thing I did was crying. It felt like there's a knife stabbing my heart and my throat. I cried more when I showered. I forced myself to get dressed and put makeup on while crying. My friend overslept so she was not going to the design society conference with me. Normally I would just change my mind and not go because I don't feel comfortable to go to a event like this by myself. I forced myself to do it today, because they were holding the conference at a large corporation I plan to apply after I graduate, networking with people from that company will help me to get my foot in. I forced myself to go.

After the conference was over, I saw there were people who I met at the design society event yesterday. I went up to the guy who is a director of one of the departments in the company, I asked him if he could give me a tour in the company because I want to work for them. He showed me around, the corporate culture and environment are amazing. The person I talked to told me to email him my portfolio when I'm ready, because they are actually looking for interns.  he will let me know. Taking the internship is the best way to get the foot in, he told me that. After I left the building, I was so exciting, I have a feeling that I will nail it, and my dream will finally come true! I also felt very proud that I was able to force myself to do the things I normally wouldn't do, and I could do it!

The rest of the day... .I hung out with a good friend, we went to grab lunch and we had a great time. We talked about our career goals and goals in life. I know that this is the best for me, if I'm still with him, I wouldn't be able to participate in that design society event last night, I wouldn't be able to know those people at the event, I wouldn't be able to go in to see the internal environment of the company, and I wouldn't get the opportunity to apply for internship.

My last worry is I will need to go to his apartment one more time to get my paintings and the cable box(the service is in my name and I'll need to return it after canceling the service) Going back to the apartment means it will remind me how unhappy I was in that place, and everything, all over, again.

I'm visiting home next week, so many friends ask me if I need them to pick me up from the airport. I miss them so much, I think I will feel a lot better after seeing their faces.

[Newton]

Hey Meg     Sorry to hear the mornings are so difficult... .it's good to hear you are letting your emotions out AND managing to carry on with day to day life.  It sounds like the conference was really productive and you were really challenging yourself 

So what's the plan about returning to the apartment?... .Do you have to go or could you write a list of items for the friends who accompanied you last time.  It was all pretty intense before... .its important to keep yourself safe and returning there may set back the fantastic progress you've made over the last few days... .

[BleedsOrange]

GET THAT INTERNSHIP! FOCUS IN A PSYCHOTIC BLOODLUSTY MANIA!

How great would that be? You get a new circle of people to get to know, a creative outlet, new intelectual stimuli, a sense of accomplishment and a reminder of where YOUR life is going! In case you havent noticed, Im excited for you. You be excited for you... .Im a little jealous too. Im gonna go hustle for a new contract! You think you can outdo me MEg? Oh, It's on!

I know this time is hard. You know Ive been there, but if you keep posting this stuff on here, and do, Im gonna keep trying to remind you that it only FEEEELS like everything is falling apart. In reality, you are doing great. Stocks can go up and down, but what really matters is the long term trend. Looks like yours is on the rise, my friend!

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

Day 6

I stayed up all night to polish my resume and created a linkedin account. I connected with the professionals I met at the conference, and hope that I will be able to get the intern position very soon (need to get my portfolio ready first!). And then I took some Zquil, and went to sleep.

I woke up this afternoon and felt very empty. I didn't cry until my family left home, and I broke down and cried for hours. I activated my facebook account again and have been talking to friends back home, they were so supportive and many of them volunteered to give me rides during my stay. I felt the warmth from my family and friends, and that made me sad. After a while I realized that I didn't remember what I did yesterday, the activities I did yesterday seemed to be 2, 3 days ago. I realized that I'm avoiding to think and was shutting my brain down.

I'm reading the book "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. In the book she explains how the forgotten childhood experience could triggered the fear of abandonment in adults. I started to rewind, and only discovered that my childhood was full of rejections by the peers group, my parents' constant leaving for business trips left me the fear of abandonment. I remember sitting in a room to wait for my parents to pick me up from kindergarden, and I was always the last kid to be picked up, I remember the thought of "they(parents) will never come" as a child. My beloved grandmother who raised me when my parents were away for business, she passed away when I was 10. I remembered not feeling anything for her death until I saw her body at the funeral. Now I know her death impacted me so strong, and I rejected to face to the reality because I was to traumatized. I used to think that I'm cold hearted.

I remember those failed relationship I have had in the past, and many of them abandoned me for another woman. All of these triggered my fear to be alone, and to be abandoned.

Just a few years back, I remember getting very drunk at a bar, and I was sitting on the floor crying out " Why did he do this to me?" I just got out of a relationship where the ex left for another woman without any closure, he just left without saying anything. A few months later, we got back together, and was seeing each other for another year and a half, in the end he left again just like the first time, for the same woman. I still remember the shattering feelings from the two breakups(with the same person) I went through. I felt a lot better and thought I have moved on after a month, actually I was never healed from the breakup, and I think I still haven't healed from it – rejection to the pain left me very vulnerable. I met BPDex that time, and the beginning was "too good to be true", he told me he want to settle down and build a family, I fell for it. I thought to myself I will never need to go through a breakup again. I guess that's why I'm hurting so much now. All the pain from the past came back to haunt me at once.

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

GET THAT INTERNSHIP! FOCUS IN A PSYCHOTIC BLOODLUSTY MANIA!

How great would that be? You get a new circle of people to get to know, a creative outlet, new intelectual stimuli, a sense of accomplishment and a reminder of where YOUR life is going! In case you havent noticed, Im excited for you. You be excited for you... .Im a little jealous too. Im gonna go hustle for a new contract! You think you can outdo me MEg? Oh, It's on!

I know this time is hard. You know Ive been there, but if you keep posting this stuff on here, and do, Im gonna keep trying to remind you that it only FEEEELS like everything is falling apart. In reality, you are doing great. Stocks can go up and down, but what really matters is the long term trend. Looks like yours is on the rise, my friend!

Hi BleedOrange, thank you! Good luck on getting a new contract!

It will remind me of everything if I keep posting here, indeed. Actually I haven't thought about much about him yesterday, and I tried not to think today as well. It is too painful to remember the lost dreams.

I started to analyze my past... .I went back all the way to my childhood, I now discovered where the pain and fear came from. I'm feeling better each day, and as each day goes by, I'm more confident for the choice I made (to leave him). I start to hope that someday I will find love again, but before that I need to overcome my fear and fix the issues I was avoiding the all whole.

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

Hey Meg     Sorry to hear the mornings are so difficult... .it's good to hear you are letting your emotions out AND managing to carry on with day to day life.  It sounds like the conference was really productive and you were really challenging yourself 

So what's the plan about returning to the apartment?... .Do you have to go or could you write a list of items for the friends who accompanied you last time.  It was all pretty intense before... .its important to keep yourself safe and returning there may set back the fantastic progress you've made over the last few days... .

I think I'm going to seek help from the people at the church I go again... .I don't want to go back there if I don't have to, but I have to. I hope he can just pack rest of my stuff and ship them to me, but I know he won't do it. I wish someone can just pick them up for me... .but that will need him to gather the rest of my belongings, I know he's not going to do that. I still haven't heard from his parents or him about removing my name from the apartment lease, I want that to be done, fast. Because I don't ever want to go near that area again, it's too painful to remember the lost dreams.