Working on rekindling our relationship, slow progress

[ravfour4]

Starting a new thread since my last one "Tips for reconciliation" is getting a bit unruly. I'm quite certain she has BPD although she is very high functioning and her symptoms were greatly exacerbated when we broke up.

Summary of Relationship & Break-up & Start of Reconciliation

-Together for 4 years, met when we were 21/22, had intense feelings right away. Lived together for 2.5-3 of those years.

-Noticed BPD like symptoms - rages, child-like emotional states, inability to vocalize emotions or why she's feeling a certain way, indecisiveness etc. I was calm and confident and it was easy to navigate these symptoms.

-Over time, I gave in to the frustration and "madness", we both started smoking MJ almost everyday. Instead of helping her through her problems, I became "fed up" with them and we both distanced ourselves.

-After a few tense months and me kissing a girl while very intoxicated, we broke up - initiated by her. She hopped into a relationship with an old co-worker who was 8 years older, married w/ kids and going through a divorce. We lived together for the first 2 months post break-up and my father became very ill at the same time.

-At first I was OK, then completely devastated and overtime regained my strength/confidence after a period of NC. I thought about her nearly 24/7.

-She came back mentioning she missed me and there were a few weeks where she kept flip flopping between me and the other guy. He went insane, texting her nonstop, sending her flowers multiple times a day, showing up unannounced etc. and she eventually "cut him off".

Past 2 weeks

-Since she finally cut him off, we've literally hung out every single day. At first, it was awkward, but since then everyday gets better and better. If I close my eyes and open them, I could swear we're a couple again, with better communication than ever before, but we're not.

-She'll often mention a future together, but at times seems like she's pressuring herself to feel that same initial intensity she felt for me 4 years ago and when she doesn't, she distances herself and says she's confused about whether or not we'll work out for sure and with what we "are". It's been happening every 2-3 days. She wants to take it slow.

-In between the confusion, we've had solid forward progress. We're talking through both of our issues, what happened before and how we'll make sure it never happens again. I've made positive changes that I think were necessary for this to work, she's made some and is more aware of the way she acts than before.

-She's been afraid to get intimate, but recently she has slept over a few times and will consistently lay on me, put her legs on me and hold my hand. Finally got a few small peck kisses as well.

I'm excited that things could work out well, I've been validating her feelings often and it seems to be helping quite a bit. Things overall are heading in the right direction with occasional bumps in the road, I'm trying to stay optimistic and keep an open mind, while not forgetting how she treated me post break-up (like I was the devil that deserved zero attention or love despite the family trauma I was going through), not forgetting to focus on me and not allowing myself to be so vulnerable that she'd throw me back into the near depression I was in a month ago.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[wwfd1220]

It sounds like you are making good progress. I think taking things slow is important, it will help you two solidify that foundation needed moving forward together. I am just now learning that I did not validate my uexBPDgf. I am working hard at attaining those skills just in case she decides to open up things with me again. You should just keep validating her, and let her control the speed of moving forward together. Make sure you set clear boundaries though 

[ravfour4]

Yesterday was the first time that I was able to talk about our past and her actions post break-up that was productive and didn't lead her into the confused state. We walked the entire way home holding hands with her head on my shoulder, something that a few months ago I could only dream of.

I think we've covered most of the topics that needed to be covered over the past couple of weeks so I should be able to just focus on a positive future and continue to validate her feelings to regrow trust and closeness moving forward.

Let me know if anyone else has any tips/tricks or an opinion on my situation and how it's going.

[ravfour4]

The main thing I'm worried about is how I feel when I'm away from her. Possible co-dependency issues and/or anxiety over everything that happened.

When I'm with her, I feel amazing, I'm slowly regaining trust and I feel well equipped to handle her emotions and BPD traits, even better than I did at the start of the relationship (when I was very calm/confident, but didn't know about BPD).

Her moments of confusion are getting further and further apart and I understand her hesitation: "do I for sure want to get back together again with him? what if it doesn't work out again and we ended up wasting another 4 years?". I think she equates giving this a second chance with being together with me forever.

When we're apart, given the past few months, I'm anxious up until we plan the next time we'll meet (which so far has been every day since we've started really talking again, although we never really stopped talking after the break-up besides a brief 11 day period of NC). Once I know that, I'm confident and happy again.

I'm working on keeping that happiness regardless of my situation with her, but right now they feel all too linked.

Do you all think meeting up everyday is "too much"? It's really helped rebuild trust and the connection, but I'm worried the constant supply will lower demand

Will texting her less, being a bit mysterious help build the attraction faster now that she's clearly interested again? Or is this constant contact what she needs to know that I won't leave her, that she can trust me again etc.

[an0ught]

Hi ravfour4,

of course pwBPD are excellent partners for game playing. Whether it is a wise idea to play games with someone who thrives on games that throw others sometimes into a state of desperation is left as an exercise for you  

Generally I believe that quality in communication matters a lot more than quantity. Also it may be worth considering that pwBPD appreciate external dependable structure. Also in a relationship with a pwBPD boundaries are important. In summary:

1) validating communication

2) reliable times, response patterns

3) do not becoming too reactive. Pace responses at times. Maintain the right to remain silent (but stay within your regular response patterns).