Wondering when is a good time to work on getting back together

[chack]

Hello

So I just broke up 2 months ago who has BPD. We were together for 3 years, it had been shaky but we loved each other yet when arguments broke out, we hated each other. Well one day, it blew up over the dumbest thing and I lost my cool and asked her to leave. Upon doing that, her life became "shattered" due to her lack of backup plan, including where to stay and having to drop school, etc.

So she calls me up one week after moving out and another time on her birthday a couple weeks later and we hung out. Then it got cold, I believe this is when she began hanging out with new guys she's met and they tend to come and go. I was confused what she wanted and asked if she wanted to join me on a vacation and she said yes. We ended up going for a week, had lots of fun, even became intimate, but at the same time, some questions about our future came up and she didn't really want to address it. I was trying to:

1) see if she's seeing anyone intimately (she insists all have been friendships because she gets lonely)

2) wondering when is a good time frame to start discussing whether to work on getting back together

3) instill in her head that there are dealbreakers for us getting back together if she's been sleeping around

4) get out of the ambiguity of not knowing her intentions as she has been giving me mixed signals about our future

As I began gently forcing the issue, she insists she felt cornered and suggested we meet once a week to hang out . I guess she doesn't want the doors completely closed yet it's unfair that I have to be waiting and potentially be her backup plan while she explores.

Advice would be greatly appreciated

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[unicorn2014]

Hi Chack and welcome to BPD family. The best advice I can give you is start by reading the lessons. I've been  in my relationship for 3.5 years and I can definitely empathize. We haven't broken up yet but I am facing a big boundary issue next week. Have you done much reading about boundaries? You sound like you know where you stand with deal breakers, so that will be helpful to you moving forward. If there has anything I have learned about people with BPD in my relationship and my time on this board it is that they push boundaries very hard and that you have to be firm in yours if you want to have a sane relationship with them. I hope that you find some helpful advice on this board.

[chack]

Yes I have directly suggested to her that I don't want any part of a love triangle if there is one and would gladly step aside to support whomever she's dating, and then she denies anything other than having a "friend" to go drink or dine with. Then when I push the subject more, she becomes agitated and feels "cornered" and states that it shouldn't be black and white, as she wants to leave the door open I guess.

She's very difficult to read, but at the same time, I've known her for 3 years. I could be 100% fooled but I think she's manipulative enough to use these guys as her rebound (although I don't know if there are any romance involved, I would like to think no, knowing her). I'm just curious what she's doing since our breakup. She's accepting nice vacation, and is wearing very prominent "I love you" jewelry that I gave her since our breakup. I wouldn't expect anyone not interested to continue to wear that would they? Is she afraid to admit she wants to reconcile? I just don't know at what timeframe before the "I don't want to be strung along" side of me says, enough is enough.

[livednlearned]

Hi chack,

Generally ultimatums don't work, especially when the relationship isn't stable. Some of this comes down to your values and what you are willing to forgive. Some of it comes down to knowing whether she could ever meet whatever standard of proof you have. If you press her until she admits something, you might inadvertently end up crushing the relationship in the process of trying to save it.

You asked her to leave, and she did -- with no back-up plan. She was vulnerable and admitted she felt shattered by the decision. You invited her to come on the trip, and she did.

My guess is that she's afraid right now, and coming on strong with ultimatums and or conditions feels very controlling to her. She is dealing with that by holding back.

What can you do to improve the chances she will come around? Give her a choice and some time to decide and let her decide. You want to be strong, confident, and caring, not a punitive parent. You definitely don't want to be needy and wounded.

You won't get #4 if you insist on #1, #2, or #3.

LnL

[chack]

I guess her impulsivity led to many poor choices by her in the aftermath. She knew she had 30 days and I could have easily allowed her to stay until she got tucked in and I would have made arrangements to be away if she needed that too. Either way, you are so right , when I did push her a little by suggesting I didn't want to be caught in a love triangle, she became defensive and insists nothing but friendship and later in, she uses the word "controlling" again which was the reason why she moved out from the get go. I agree, I need to be less needy but boy her mixed signals drive me crazy! She came on the trip and we were intimate and return and it's back to cold again. I mean she accepted a very expensive necklace and is sporting it. Can I assume that she does want to work on things but at the same time is reluctant and holding back? I will have to stay strong and give her space.

[unicorn2014]

Yes I have directly suggested to her that I don't want any part of a love triangle if there is one and would gladly step aside to support whomever she's dating, and then she denies anything other than having a "friend" to go drink or dine with. Then when I push the subject more, she becomes agitated and feels "cornered" and states that it shouldn't be black and white, as she wants to leave the door open I guess.

She's very difficult to read, but at the same time, I've known her for 3 years. I could be 100% fooled but I think she's manipulative enough to use these guys as her rebound (although I don't know if there are any romance involved, I would like to think no, knowing her). I'm just curious what she's doing since our breakup. She's accepting nice vacation, and is wearing very prominent "I love you" jewelry that I gave her since our breakup. I wouldn't expect anyone not interested to continue to wear that would they? Is she afraid to admit she wants to reconcile? I just don't know at what timeframe before the "I don't want to be strung along" side of me says, enough is enough.

Hi Chack, I am sorry you are going through that. I too would not tolerate a love triangle.

I think it would be very important to know why you would reenter the relationship if an opportunity presented itself.

[livednlearned]

I guess her impulsivity led to many poor choices by her in the aftermath.

This is core to acknowledge. Impulsivity is one of the core aspects of BPD.

when I did push her a little by suggesting I didn't want to be caught in a love triangle, she became defensive and insists nothing but friendship and later in, she uses the word "controlling" again which was the reason why she moved out from the get go.

Feeling controlled is the negative side of intense emotional connection -- she is vulnerable here and recognizes (on some level) that you can hurt her. If you want her back, insisting that she provide an apology, explanation, commitment, whatever it is, won't go over well. She needs to know she can come back without being boxed in right from the start. This would be true whether someone is BPD or not... .

I need to be less needy but boy her mixed signals drive me crazy! She came on the trip and we were intimate and return and it's back to cold again. I mean she accepted a very expensive necklace and is sporting it. Can I assume that she does want to work on things but at the same time is reluctant and holding back? I will have to stay strong and give her space.

Can you meet with her and let go of #1, #2, and #3? Just a light meeting with no expectations?

[chack]

that is where the dilemma I have , I have been seeing her off and on, even spent a week in a very romantic location with her and when you are there and it becomes intimate, it is hard NOT to let go of #1-3. At the same time, I realize she isn't ready due to the hurt and mistrust but I cannot continue meeting casually forever with no expectations either. I have debated about implementing a no contact timeframe of 2-3 weeks but when I brought it up her, she quickly backed away and suggested that we go out on a date once a week and lay low the rest of the week. I guess she doesn't want to let go and was worried I might be preparing for an exit soon, so that was her remedy to buy time without losing me?I don't know.

The question then becomes, when is the ideal time? I'm thinking 4-5 months max, if she doesn't lean one way that I might be forced to give an ultimatum for her to decide if she wants to make it exclusive and try to work things out. I'm too old to be tossed around and if she's not ready, I just have to let her know that I'm moving on as I want and am ready to start a family. Now that she's single, she's been out partying late and drinking heavily and talking to all kinds of men. She was someone I anticipate proposing to soon and we had light discussion about starting a family too and I even moved to a larger home to facilitate that. At the same time, I suspect she do love me still based on some of her actions and things she's said or didn't say. Only time will tell.

[thefixermom]

At this point, I wonder if it's best to drop all topics of ultimatums, including discussing setting one in the future.  If she is sleeping with others, I highly doubt she will tell you the truth  because you have expressed clearly that you are out the door if is and she would prefer to have her own say in the matter... .that is, she is interested in you still, even if she's sleeping around, and just doesn't want the pressure at this time to make a decision.  Her interest in you may be love, or attachment, or security or any number of things. Not necessarily mature love.  She may be telling others that you are just a friend, too, to keep everyone in the mix.  The fact that you keep asking her or making ultimatums tells me that either your gut knows she's sleeping with others or it just affirms how much you distrust her, maybe both.  How do you feel about taking the focus off her and working on you?  You don't sound ready to let her go yet either.  What can you do for yourself in the meantime to assure your future children that you will be a solid dad and provide a secure and peaceful home for them? These are the things I would be asking myself and I would work to choose the right answers to that question even if they don't match up with my emotions at this time. I think that is what causes confusion for most of us. Do we choose that which we "want now" or that which is "right for our long term goals."  Sometimes the wants feel better in the short run and we don't want to do what is right for us because it involves a period of pain and being alone as we work and grow through our wounds.  I will also add that in my life, every time I've told someone I didn't want to be involved in a love triangle, I got involved in a love triangle. In other words, my senses picked up what was going on despite the lies I was being told.  Another thing that comes to mind in your case is that you have felt the need to lay down this law repetitively, which tells me she might not really take your ultimatum seriously and feels just fine managing her secret affairs the way she is (if she is indeed sleeping with others).  These are just some things to think about as you unravel your confusion and become clear-headed about what you want with this relationship, given that you are the only one whose actions you can control.

I think there is no set time, to answer your question.  And since you are feeling confused and still attached, maybe just relax and enjoy her company, be your happy self, and see what comes of it. Perhaps if you did remove all the ultimatums or any air of checking on her, probing about her other activities, etc., she will be more drawn to the independent, secure and non-restrictive you.  This may be your only chance. But if it's not something you can do, then therein lies an answer for you to ponder, too. That might help determine your time frame. 

[chack]

I'm going to take my time, enjoy her presence and not think about ultimatums anytime soon. It's not my business right now who's she dating or sleeping with, However, I believe that if she's considering getting back together down the road, it becomes our business and being transparent, I feel would prevent any further hurt down the road instead of finding out a year later what she or I did in the meantime. Again, I'm not certain if anything has happened, but because of the way she's hiding their meetings and flirty texts, it would make anyone suspicious.

[livednlearned]

Hi chack,

It sounds like there are two things going on -- one is whether she has been sleeping with other men (#3). This is tricky. The two of you haven't technically been in a relationship for the last two months, and still aren't. It's currently vague for both of you, nothing has been established (and not for lack of trying on your part). It's understandable that when you both went on vacation together, you wanted to see the last two months as a "lapse" when both of you were dealing with the break-up in a similar way. She may have seen it as a complete break, and didn't see it the way you did. Is that likely?

The other is whether she is currently with someone (#1).

You mentioned in your first post that #3 is a deal breaker. If so, I could see how #1 might also be a deal breaker... .

I can see that there are some difficult things to confront here, given that she is BPD. Fearing abandonment, she may have sought the attentions of other men to help her soothe extreme distress. This doesn't necessarily mean she wants to be with them. Fearing abandonment again, she may be worried that you are stringing her along (how she sees it). Meaning, if she doesn't "come clean," then she's kicked to the curb again.

The deal breakers are tough. Is there any wiggle room there for you? Could you start fresh going forward, and look at it like a new beginning? You can always negotiate proactive boundaries going forward.

What do you think?

[chack]

It's highly unlikely she thought a trip to Hawaii with us together in the same hotel room to be a clean break, especially when we made out several nights out of the week and we even showered together and we felt comfortable in the nude in front of each other. Now whether or not this developed during the trip is a possibility, but I would imagine if you got dumped and your ex invited you to Hawaii, unless you had some desire to get back, you would not join him/her. Now that I don't know, this is my first relationship.

Yes I do know she's still hurt even after 2 months and hasn't healed. Her healing may be prolonged by the fact that she doesn't want to completely off the hook either as I would think, no contact would be the fastest way to heal. We briefly talked about this a while back, but both of us have failed that attempts. I even brought it up again at the end of the Hawaii trip because I felt like these get togethers tend to draw us closer together , at the same time, prolong the pain for both of us. That's why I'm leaning towards thinking she does want to try again but doesn't want to reveal it to me yet or hasn't gotten over the insecurity part yet.

As far as dealbreakers go, I'm a forgiving person though I tend to play myself out as being tough and hardcore. I might be able to overlook them, it really depends on the nature of it. If she told me she's been with many men, I think that's a big no because she obviously didn't care enough to think about her future or our future. I do know she's  very flirty even when she's with me and I was okay with it mostly as she's very loyal at the same time and can be manipulative to people they aren't in love with (which I like to suspect what's going on). Another characteristic about BPD I kinda gathered, when they love it, it's insurmountable. But either way, transparency is important I think to avoid more hurt down the road for the both of us, therefore I want to instill those boundaries and I kinda tried recently but backed off after she felt threatened and she compromised about seeing each other once a week. Now these didn't really come up a month or two ago, because I needed a lot of time to heal and reflect why and if I wanted to give this another shot. I always felt that what happened so abruptly was a mistake and she rushed to conclusion so quickly due to her BPD personality to find a safe environment.

[chack]

What are your thoughts on strict NO CONTACT?

So we hung out saturday at her bed watching couple movies while she cuddled with me, and today, she hung out with her new "fling" as I call it even thought she's denying it. It really is getting to me , as she's become more bold in posting pics of them together on FB and bragging about how cute and how sweet he is. I'm pretty convinced he will be another rebound, knowing her, but it really has gotten to me because this is the same guy she keeps insisting is nothing more than a friend. I know she will want to probably hang out again in a week as her rule was to have weekly dates between us. But my intolerance of her lack of transparency is rearing up again, I don't want to confront her anymore on the issue as she will only lie or keep denying whatever that is or is not there.

Is strict NC something worthwhile to try now? It's been about 2 months out, I do want another opportunity to make amends and be with her but if she's not ready or serious, should I continue to play along ? Would strict NC bring a faster closure? thoughts please

[livednlearned]

What are your thoughts on strict NO CONTACT?

Is strict NC something worthwhile to try now? It's been about 2 months out, I do want another opportunity to make amends and be with her but if she's not ready or serious, should I continue to play along ? Would strict NC bring a faster closure? thoughts please

NC or not really depends on what your priorities/objectives are. If you want another opportunity to be with her, but want to send a strong message (punish her, vent your anger, secretly want her back), then NC becomes not only unhealthy, it can potentially backfire and push her further away. That's like injuring yourself, and her, to heal an injury. 

If you feel your priority/objective is to disengage and going no contact will help you get over the relationship, then that means accepting that things are really over. It may mean having a vulnerable conversation with her where you tell her how you feel, both that you love her/care for her, and also that you have to take care of yourself.

It doesn't sound like you are ready to do that?

[Skip]

I'm going to take my time, enjoy her presence and not think about ultimatums anytime soon. It's not my business right now who's she dating or sleeping with, However, I believe that if she's considering getting back together down the road, it becomes our business and being transparent, I feel would prevent any further hurt down the road instead of finding out a year later what she or I did in the meantime. Again, I'm not certain if anything has happened, but because of the way she's hiding their meetings and flirty texts, it would make anyone suspicious.

I think this is smart.

The hard part here is that you ended the relationship and kicked her out and this opened the door to other relationships (for both of you) and now she is operating in "dating" mode. People do this - date multiple people at one time. In time, it sorts itself out.

Where is she in her mind? She might very well being trying to decide who/what she likes better, having an attraction to both of you - he new and interesting, you and her have an extended bond.  

If he is cool and fun and you are controlling and uber-practical, where is this going to end?

[chack]

Well I've already told her I do not want to be in a triangle and I'm okay with her exploring and dating , but she insists its only friendship but seeing pics of him kissing her and how she describe how cute and sweet he is on social media, to me suggests she doesn't care. Well she knows I want to reconcile but to me, when you are being intimate with other people, she hasn't shown enough interest in me to consider that so I'm thinking its best for my sake to step aside and allow their "friendship" to play out. I don't want to tell her that directly as she has repeatedly lied and denied. Therefore I'm considering my next move, to just go completely silent and let her reach out to me when she's ready (if I'm still even interested ) or continue the limited once a week contact.

I do want to get back with her but I'm not happy and it would have to be exclusivity if she's interested in me.

Big question as I'm gonna stay quiet until she reaches or tries to reach out.

What are your thoughts on strict NO CONTACT?

Is strict NC something worthwhile to try now? It's been about 2 months out, I do want another opportunity to make amends and be with her but if she's not ready or serious, should I continue to play along ? Would strict NC bring a faster closure? thoughts please

NC or not really depends on what your priorities/objectives are. If you want another opportunity to be with her, but want to send a strong message (punish her, vent your anger, secretly want her back), then NC becomes not only unhealthy, it can potentially backfire and push her further away. That's like injuring yourself, and her, to heal an injury. 

If you feel your priority/objective is to disengage and going no contact will help you get over the relationship, then that means accepting that things are really over. It may mean having a vulnerable conversation with her where you tell her how you feel, both that you love her/care for her, and also that you have to take care of yourself.

It doesn't sound like you are ready to do that?

[chack]

I think she's very confused and hurt still and to be honest, I don't think she has had time for herself to heal since her healing has been lots of alcohol and random dates . A lot of this dating comes from her sense of loneliness and missing being loved , she has strong insecurity

It's difficult to decipher and I'm coming to the verge of moving on as there are tons of women out there and I don't have to be strung along by her

I'm going to take my time, enjoy her presence and not think about ultimatums anytime soon. It's not my business right now who's she dating or sleeping with, However, I believe that if she's considering getting back together down the road, it becomes our business and being transparent, I feel would prevent any further hurt down the road instead of finding out a year later what she or I did in the meantime. Again, I'm not certain if anything has happened, but because of the way she's hiding their meetings and flirty texts, it would make anyone suspicious.

I think this is smart.

The hard part here is that you ended the relationship and kicked her out and this opened the door to other relationships (for both of you) and now she is operating in "dating" mode. People do this - date multiple people at one time. In time, it sorts itself out.

Where is she in her mind? She might very well being trying to decide who/what she likes better, having an attraction to both of you - he new and interesting, you and her have an extended bond.  

If he is cool and fun and you are controlling and uber-practical, where is this going to end?

[Skip]

It's difficult to decipher and I'm coming to the verge of moving on as there are tons of women out there and I don't have to be strung along by her... .

You're trying to control this - even if it means destroying it. If she doesn't do things to you're way of thinking... .This mindset is not a winner's mindset.

You kicked her out. Deep in anyone's mindset would be not to get in a position where you have the ability to do that again. She was vulnerable and you exercised power over her. This is going to take time to heal and an effort to rebuild trust. Part of her attraction to the other guy may very well be that it makes her less vulnerable to you.

I know this is hard thing to see - to jump into someone else's shoes and look at the situation - so I'm trying to help.  I'm not condoning her or you actions - just trying to paint a balanced picture.

So trying to control her or exercise power over her (strict no contact) or have things on terms that you define right now is not going to be attractive - its going to be repulsive.

The fact is, you don't have to make any controlling decisions. You can be rebuild/present yourself as an attractive guy to her. You can also present yourself as an attractive guy to others. Maybe even start dating if she shows continued interested in "serial dating".

[chack]

Thank you skip

You seem very knowledgeable in the matter and I really like your calm approach. I'm also a very logical person and I know her well too. I totally agree with what all you're saying , the irony is when I first approached her on the issue, that was her explanation, she says I was still trying to control her. I guess it's an issue of boundaries and what we are each comfortable with. I'm okay with her seeing guys , but do believe that if she's serious With them, I wish she would tell me so I'm not wasting my time nor effort . Deep down and she knows it that I want to make amends, but I know her healing will take time . The question now remains, am I comfortable with her lying to me about these guys ? I just don't want more hurt for the both of us.

So shes been hot/cold with the messaging , and I'm trying to give her space as she hasn't responded to my text last night. Should I be more aggressive in trying to reach out to her ? That would make me feel needy which I don't want to do. I don't want to shut the door either , limited contact with weekly get together is fine with me , would it be bad if I don't text her for a couple days ? Since she didn't reply to me, I didn't want to keep sending her texts

It's difficult to decipher and I'm coming to the verge of moving on as there are tons of women out there and I don't have to be strung along by her... .

You're trying to control this - even if it means destroying it. If she doesn't do things to you're way of thinking... .This mindset is not a winner's mindset.

You kicked her out. Deep in anyone's mindset would be not to get in a position where you have the ability to do that again. She was vulnerable and you exercised power over her. This is going to take time to heal and an effort to rebuild trust. Part of her attraction to the other guy may very well be that it makes her less vulnerable to you.

I know this is hard thing to see - to jump into someone else's shoes and look at the situation - so I'm trying to help.  I'm not condoning her or you actions - just trying to paint a balanced picture.

So trying to control her or exercise power over her (strict no contact) or have things on terms that you define right now is not going to be attractive - its going to be repulsive.

The fact is, you don't have to make any controlling decisions. You can be rebuild/present yourself as an attractive guy to her. You can also present yourself as an attractive guy to others. Maybe even start dating if she shows continued interested in "serial dating".

[Skip]

Wait until she replies. Gauge your responses on hers. It's good to lead, but don't get way out in front of her.

Most relationships desolve in 90 days. Its the holidays and that creates closeness that may not last.

Be cool. When you do see her, show her the guy she always liked.

Spend some time on the "Improving" board and sharpen you communication skills. This will help you in all future relationships.

[chack]

Yes I will . Actually the last 6 weeks I have been reading a lot on how to communicate with women, understand some of her wants and needs and way to better myself. I definitely don't want to jump into any new relationship until those issues are addressed myself as the hurt sucks.

I was very nice when I saw her Saturday , I didn't bring up any of our past or even the guy that was texting her. We had a good time , and parted ways. I texted her last night with a question but she was busy with the guy and she hasn't responded yet so I guess I'll wait for her response and go from there .

What do u mean by most relationships desolve?

Wait until she replies. Gauge your responses on hers. It's good to lead, but don't get way out in front of her.

Most relationships desolve in 90 days. Its the holidays and that creates closeness that may not last.

Be cool. When you do see her, show her the guy she always liked.

Spend some time on the "Improving" board and sharpen you communication skills. This will help you in all future relationships.

[Skip]

Most new relationship fail. That's a sad fact of life. Most fail within 90 days. Its a significant sign when they go 1 year, 2 years, 3 years.

I raise this point so that you know that the odds are that her new relationship will fail - you are not on equal footing with the new guy.

Just trying to give you perspective.

You sound like you are doing the right things.  I hope you hang around and help others.   

[chack]

I know her real well and I'm 99.9% certain this guy is a rebound. She's already rebounded off of another guy who she told me about and she has hinted to me about this guy too. It's tough to stomach through and even tougher when she wants u to stick around through it. Is that her test inadvertently until she feels safe again?

Most new relationship fail. That's a sad fact of life. Most fail within 90 days. Its a significant sign when they go 1 year, 2 years, 3 years.

I raise this point so that you know that the odds are that her new relationship will fail - you are not on equal footing with the new guy.

Just trying to give you perspective.

You sound like you are doing the right things.  I hope you hang around and help others.   

[chack]

Well this is depressing. I've tried to reach out and extend my branch out by asking how she was doing and ignore all that's going on in her life with these guys and guess what ? She's ignoring me  I'm not gonna keep asking since it would make me appear needy . Oh well, either I have to be patient or she's found someone new to replace me!

Most new relationship fail. That's a sad fact of life. Most fail within 90 days. Its a significant sign when they go 1 year, 2 years, 3 years.

I raise this point so that you know that the odds are that her new relationship will fail - you are not on equal footing with the new guy.

Just trying to give you perspective.

You sound like you are doing the right things.  I hope you hang around and help others.   

[chack]

UPDATE:

well the silence continued for a few days but today, I insisted to get an answer and I got one .

I was in the midst of writing a long letter and told her I had something important to tell her, before I even sent the letter to her, she sent me a text saying she tried and wanted to rekindle but said that everytime she hung out with me, she doesn't feel any more connection or passion between us.  I guess all the lovey dovey stuff we said and did together in hawaii was a "FAKE" some that are so intimate I couldn't share here.

I guess, everyone's definition of passion is different, and everyone's choice of phases in a relationship is different. She must enjoy living in the honeymoon phase of a relationship and there's nothing wrong with that. I guess there's nothing I can do now to repair this? I sent her a long letter and explained that the choice is yours and that if she's in a rebound relationship WHICH I think she has started based on another FB pic, could anger and mistrust from the breakup still be lingering to cause her to feel this way?

I told her I'm ready to accept it, I do want her to be happy, I don't want us to fake anything but to not try to WORK on things is wrong and to NOT work on things because she found a rebound is a totally different story. 3 years is sad to throw away but oh well.

[Skip]

One strategy is to wait these things out and not pour concrete on an impulsive moment or time. People with BPD have emotions that cycle up and down. I think we saw that here - way up in Hawaii - down after the trip.

Which is real? Up? Down? Both? Neither?

1. I guess there's nothing I can do now to repair this? I sent her a long letter and explained that the choice is yours and that if she's in a rebound relationship WHICH I think she has started based on another FB pic.

2. could anger and mistrust from the breakup still be lingering to cause her to feel this way?

3. I told her I'm ready to accept it, I do want her to be happy, I don't want us to fake anything but to not try to WORK on things is wrong and to NOT work on things because she found a rebound is a totally different story. 3 years is sad to throw away but oh well.

As for #2, absolutely. While it was not a big blow to you (as the doer), it could have been to her, especially considering the vulnerability and her inherent shame. Her comments about "controlling" are likely part of this.

As for #1 and #3, if resolving it is defined as on your timeline and terms, you are probably right. When you have power or control over someone and that becomes a break-up issue, its important not to exhibit power and control as a means of rekindling the relationship.

The difficulty in all of these relationships, is that we often have to take the high road, be the understanding one, take some knocks on the chin, etc. to make it work.  There is a point where that crosses over from being strength to being weakness. We all have to find that line.

[chack]

Well, after a couple days of silence, I asked what's wrong and she replied saying she tried to rekindle but cannot feel the passion between us anymore. We are 2 months out from the breakup after being together for 3 years.

So I sent a letter, asking for forgiveness for all the hurt and repercussions she's experiencing since I asked her to leave and also asked her to consider reconciling with me and to give it time to talk with her friends and family about this important decision. I laid out some of the pertinent reasons why I feel she shouldn't just walk away so readily , including all the positive experiences we've shared together, getting through all the challenges together, and lastly acknowledging issues that can be easily remedied  that went on without bringing them to each other's attention.

It's been a couple days since I sent it to her via text, and I haven't heard a response one way or the other. I didn't press her with any followup texts to see her answer, but does that mean she has closed the door and is moving on? can you even interpret anything from this? I don't plan to send her anymore texts and will just sit and wait for any response. It may be a long cold road ahead is my guess, until she figures out what she really wants. Please advise

[Skip]

Wait until she replies. Gauge your responses on hers. It's good to lead, but don't get way out in front of her.

Most relationships desolve in 90 days. Its the holidays and that creates closeness that may not last.

Be cool. When you do see her, show her the guy she always liked.

Spend some time on the "Improving" board and sharpen you communication skills. This will help you in all future relationships.

It might work better to post your drafts and discuss you contact before you send it. We can't help as much after the fact.  Do what works for you - it's just a thought.

Do you think you are "way out in front of her" at this point? You might be.

You guys struggled, you told her to move out, she started dating (and included you in the mix). You two took a trip and then the other guy probably stepped it up. It's casual dating and kinda of a three way right now.  You choices are:

1. Insist she make a choice (or you will leave)

2. Compete and try to win her over

3. Wait it out

4. Exit for good.

The first isn't going to play well after asking her to move out - few would respond positively after that.

So for 2-4, what works for you?

[unicorn2014]

Chack, I want to underscore what Skip said about posting what you're going to say here before you say it to your partner. I'm also going to possibly be dealing with saving my relationship because it is near breakup and I can tell you at this point in the game it is very important to be on point. Bpd family can help with that.

[chack]

It is too late. I've sent her my thoughts and feelings already in a two page letter. She wouldn't respond for a couple days in text and when I asked her what's wrong , I got a response finally. She said she tried but cannot establish any feelings for me even in the times she met me since the break up. She said she cannot feel any passion . Well she called and we talked and it led to some bickering and we agreed to hang up. Then I wrote her a two page letter stating that I apologize for kicking her out , apologize for all the repercussions from that and asked for forgiveness . I reminded her of all the positive memories we shared together in the 3 years including all the ups and downs we faced and managed to get through them, I also reminded her that I stop by her side despite all the baggage she brought into the relationship , and said that relationships are not easy and require work and that tossing away all our invested time and emotions without putting an effort was outrageous imo. Told her that issues we have can be easily addressed and I have and was ready to apologize , and step up to fix things because I do love her. Then I said if there's someone else involved and that's the reason behind all this, I told her , I would step aside and allow her to be happy with him and wish her the best . That if there isn't anyone , I would want her to take some time to talk to her family and friends about it and really decide what's best for her as I'm not in any hurry to move on.


That's what I wrote to her basically. I know she is seeing this other kid and she's been denying and lying and she knew where I stood about being in a 3 way romance and I've said I wanted no part of it so if that's what she wants , I'm ready to accept and move on. I'm proud of who I am, and have no doubt there are plenty of women out there who would accept and love me and if she can easily toss away 3 years like that , I really may never feel safe knowing what she's doing now.

So I'm going into full no contact from here on out. How long ? Don't know. I would need a sincere genuine response that she wants to try and try exclusively as I cannot try to make amends with other guys on her mind .

Chack, I want to underscore what Skip said about posting what you're going to say here before you say it to your partner. I'm also going to possibly be dealing with saving my relationship because it is near breakup and I can tell you at this point in the game it is very important to be on point. Bpd family can help with that.