Working on De-escalation

[Oubliette]

A short intro.

I'm 53, my husband is 56.

I'm a 20 years nurse, he's a project manager.

We've been married 7 years.

After the horrific last 4 years of the worst behavior r/t BPD, I said that we MUST seek therapy or a divorce.

Therapy x 8 months resulted in a diagnosis, to which I was not surprised.

I've read several books and watch videos by MD's on BPD and have worked very hard to learn and understand the condition.

I've sought private counseling and medication management and have accepted my co-dependence issues in this relationship.

I'm fully committed to remaining in this marriage.

The medication I'm on keeps my emotions under control and has allowed me to 'step out' of myself and not own the emotions that he would make me feel.

Within a couple of weeks of not responding to his rages and verbal abuse it has almost completely stopped.

On the whole things are better from my POV, dBPDh in on a med and sees a special doctor about this. We had to stop counselling due to financial distress but hope to return in March.


I would like the opinion of members here about the following exchange.





dBPDh - Text 0830  Me I need  a ride.  Stuck.  Please help.


dBPDh - Facebook 0930 - Give up. I am walking to work. Truck broke down. Thanks."


Oubliette - I'm sorry you are pissed off dBPDh, but I don't appreciate the sarcastic tone. Take it out on the truck, not me.

My phone was so still on silent for text and calls as I have to keep it like that when I'm at work.

I didn't get any of your messages until I went to call Cigna for the papers we need to file and I was not on Facebook.

If you have anything else you would like to talk about, concerning this, leave it off FB and call me. I'm dressed and ready for whatever you need me to do.



dBPDh - 1034 Won't bother you ever again.


Oubliette - 1046 I cannot help how you feel but I will respect it.

I do feel VERY badly that you were unable to reach me when you needed me.

I did nothing wrong. I was not ignoring you nor did I abandon you. I simply didn't know.

I will not allow your feelings on this to punish me emotionally. My conscious is clear.

That's your stuff.

I remain your loving wife.


dBPDh - 1056 Not punishment just realize I need to manage my expectations.


Oubliette - 1056 ok.


dBPDh - 1058 Not your problem I will take care of.


Oubliette - 1058 ok


dBPDh - 1059 Sorry to bother you with it.


Oubliette - 1100 You did not bother me.


dBPDh - 1101 Right

Oubliette - 1105 You have the right to believe and feel what you do, even if that means when I say the truth and speak plainly from my heart you choose not to accept it.


dBPDh - 1107 The truth is you were not there for me because your phone was off and in the future I cannot expect you to help me when I need help.  On my own and now that I know that I can manage my life.


dBPDh - 1125 I am not beating you up.  It is what it is.


Oubliette - 1126 ok. I have to accept that.


dBPDh - 1142 You have priorities and I understand that.  I still love you


Oubliette - 1235 And I love you


Oubliette - 1656 How are you going to get home?  What about the truck?  


dBPDh - 1705 No problem.  I am good.


Oubliette - 1730 ok



I was at work for 13:00 to 22:30. I never heard from him after the above text's. I wanted he contact him to see if he made it home, be forced myself not to. I feel he was creating chaos and punishing me by withholding the sense of peace I would have if he told me was home safe. Sure enough, I found him sound asleep.


I await your thoughts on the above event.


.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Hi Oubliette and welcome to this board. The lessons to the right of the screen are very helpful with situations like this- especially the ones on validation and JADE. JADE- whenever we reply with a statement that Justifies, Argues, Defends, or Explains, this feels invalidating to the pw BPD and can escalate the situation. We may have a good reason to JADE. In this case, you were busy at work and can't be at your phone. It is just that JADE, in the moment, isn't effective. Later on, at a time when you can speak calmly - you can say you are sorry that you didn't get his message but that at work, you have to pay attention to your job and can not have your phone on all the time. You can even let him know when you can check it, like when your breaks are, so that he knows when you are able to do so. This way you can let him know that you don't ignore it all day but that you are not available at certain times at work.

He may know this, but he was frustrated when the truck didn't work. People with BPD don't handle their emotions well and so they tend to project them. One option would have been to validate this feeling of frustration without validating his accusations, or correcting him.

Also, saying less is more. When dysregulating, words can get mis-processed. I try to speak as succinctly as possible.

Here is where the JADE is

Steve - Text 0830  Me I need  a ride.  Stuck.  Please help.


Steve - Facebook 0930 - Give up. I am walking to work. Truck broke down. Thanks."


Oubliette - I'm sorry you are pissed off Steve, but I don't appreciate the sarcastic tone. Take it out on the truck, not me.

My phone was so still on silent for text and calls as I have to keep it like that when I'm at work.

I didn't get any of your messages until I went to call Cigna for the papers we need to file and I was not on Facebook.

If you have anything else you would like to talk about, concerning this, leave it off FB and call me. I'm dressed and ready for whatever you need me to do.



Steve - 1034 Won't bother you ever again.


Oubliette - 1046 I cannot help how you feel but I will respect it.

I do feel VERY badly that you were unable to reach me when you needed me.

I did nothing wrong. I was not ignoring you nor did I abandon you. I simply didn't know.

I will not allow your feelings on this to punish me emotionally. My conscious is clear.

That's your stuff.

I remain your loving wife.


Steve - 1056 Not punishment just realize I need to manage my expectations.


Oubliette - 1056 ok.


Steve - 1058 Not your problem I will take care of.


Oubliette - 1058 ok


Steve - 1059 Sorry to bother you with it.


Oubliette - 1100 You did not bother me.


Steve - 1101 Right

Oubliette - 1105 You have the right to believe and feel what you do, even if that means when I say the truth and speak plainly from my heart you choose not to accept it.



Steve - 1107 The truth is you were not there for me because your phone was off and in the future I cannot expect you to help me when I need help.  On my own and now that I know that I can manage my life.


Steve - 1125 I am not beating you up.  It is what it is.


Oubliette - 1126 ok. I have to accept that.


Steve - 1142 You have priorities and I understand that.  I still love you


Oubliette - 1235 And I love you


Oubliette - 1656 How are you going to get home?  What about the truck?  


Steve - 1705 No problem.  I am good.


Oubliette - 1730 ok


It is great that you both ended this on a positive tone.

Maybe something like this next time?


Steve - Text 0830  Me I need  a ride.  Stuck.  Please help.


Steve - Facebook 0930 - Give up. I am walking to work. Truck broke down. Thanks."


Oubliette - I am sorry that this happened. I just got this message during my break. I am glad you were able to get to work. Love you.

It gets better with practice!

[Chilibean13]

I see a lot of JADEing in this conversation. It's hard not to JADE when you feel like you are being attacked.

Something else you might try is to validate a little  more. I saw your H saying "I feel like you don't care about me and my well-being when I am stuck on the side of the road." Although it was not your fault and he was starting to take it out on you it seemed like you jumped to boundaries rather quickly.

Perhaps you could validate by saying something like, "I know how frustrating it is to be stuck on the side of the road." Or "I understand that it's frustrating when you try to call someone and they don't answer." Add something that shows you still care, "I'm really glad you are ok and that you were able to get it taken care of. Is there anything I can do to help?"

I personally would have checked in on him to see if he got home ok. I would do that to anyone who let me know they were stuck on the side of hte road.

It's easy to see what could've/should've been said and done in someone else's conversation and harder to see it when it's actually happening to us. I know for myself sometimes I get it perfect; other times I blow it completely.

[an0ught]

Hi Oubliette,

Avoiding JADE as Chillibean and Notwendy said is critical. Also exiting pointless exchanges early and gracefully can be key. It then becomes less what you say but when you stop saying anything and let things cool down. Time is a well established de-escalating means 

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