Medium Chill - respond, don't react

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Thanks for the topic! I like Medium Chill and I've been doing it for a while, without realizing I was. It's been a helpful protection mechanism in a way, since it seems to give immunity to provocations and it stops the heated back and forth that I used to engage in. I sometimes wish I could just be honest about how I'm feeling, because it is a bit exhausting to keep your responses low key and to not be overly outward.

[Cantor]

Thanks for the topic! I like Medium Chill and I've been doing it for a while, without realizing I was. It's been a helpful protection mechanism in a way, since it seems to give immunity to provocations and it stops the heated back and forth that I used to engage in. I sometimes wish I could just be honest about how I'm feeling, because it is a bit exhausting to keep your responses low key and to not be overly outward.

[nevermore]

Medium chill describes exactly how I maintain my boundaries. When my BPD mother tries to bring up things that would trigger an emotional response from me I simply say "I am not going to talk about that with you."  I don't let her have any power over me. These techniques I am using were hard earned and I am glad you have them posted for those looking for ways to cope. I have been totally enmeshed, totally no contact and neither worked for me. Medium chill works best for me.  Thank you.

[hopealwaysss]

This is perfect and describes exactly what my husband and I have started doing with my mom.

[DearBFF]

I'm guessing this a great technique for a loved one who you want in your life less not more often. 

My problem is that the loved one is a friend, a close friend, and I am not sure how to make this work for me.  Partly because the emotional connection is the basis of our friendship, so without it:  What are we?  Also, he can detect emotional distance and will often push away because of it.

Also, I have tried being very upbeat and positive not engaging in heavy emotional stuff for a while there then it all fell apart when she threw it back at me.  Just because I hadn't been talking about any emotional difficulties she assumed I did not have any and would often turn her bad days into a rail against me for seemingly never having any.  The truth was I did have them, just didn't share them with her mostly because she never really allowed space to.  When she monopolizes the conversation with her problems there isn't a lot of time left for me to insert anything about my day/week/life/struggles/etc.

This hurt very much because what she was saying about stuff, "You've never gone through X" or "X has never been a problem in your life" when X was most definitely something I had gone through and was something I worried about on many occasions.

How does this work when the basis of this relationship is a person you have an emotional connection with?  My guess is that it doesn't?

Can you maintain the emotionality in some fashion?

[nowitmakessense]

  Medium Chill  This is very good advice! I'm totally doing this from now on.  Thank you so much for this post, very helpful