First time setting a boundary went badly but I don't regret it

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi there, it's my first time posting. I wanted to share the story of the first time I set a boundary with my sibling, last month. I hope it can help others.

My younger sibling wBPD recently went through a breakup with a long-term partner they lived with, and I was there to bear the brunt of that (stayed at their house for a week, didn't do anything but go to work and take care of them, got info on hospitalization options, got my parents involved which was a huge difficult mess, etc). They moved to DC right after, but wanted to come back to NYC. I live in NYC. They would frequently ask me last-minute if they could stay at my place whenever they had scheduled and apartment viewing, but I'm a very very busy person who also values my privacy and sleep quality, so these are really big demands of me (especially since they refuse to sleep in the living room, and insist on sleeping in my bedroom). I wanted to be supportive though, so I would agree most times that they could sleep at my house (even though it was an intrusion -- also I have roommates to consider).

Anyways: one week they ask if they can sleep at my house Friday and Saturday, and I say yes because I'm on vacation anyway. I tell them while I'm on vacation, I probably won't have reception and I was trying to be off my phone (which was half true and half me trying to be like: please don't bother me on vacation). They texted me while I was away regardless, to ask if they could sleep there Sunday and Monday too. They specifically said that if they couldn't, they could always go back to DC, it would just be a little more of a hassle for them, but it would be ok.

So I think to myself: well me and my roommates are all returning from vacation at the same time, I want stability upon return, and I never agreed to Sunday and Monday, and they said they could go home. Great! Then I'll have them go home.

I call my sibling when I get back to the city and say (and this is the first time I've ever tried to set a hard boundary with them -- and they've taken a lot from me),
"Hi, so if it's okay, I would probably prefer you went back to DC, since my roommates and I need to get settled for the work week."
And they say, "You'd PREFER I don't stay here, or I CAN'T stay here?"
and I say, "Well, this is my nice way of basically saying no."
Which launched their fury, and they immediately got enraged and began saying things like "[My friend] would never do this to me, and I would never do this to you, so I just can't believe you'd do this to me" and "Well sometimes you have to do stuff you don't prefer to do" (rich coming from them!) and "I thought we were family" and etc. I started crying and I said "So it sounds like I never had an option to say no to you?" and they kept going on about how I am essentially selfish and unhelpful.

I don't know what happened, but at some point, as I was getting yelled at on the phone about what a terrible person I am, I felt like I blacked out and just snapped, and I yelled back at them (which I have never yelled at anyone in my entire life) to say that I have allowed them to stay with me multiple times last minute, I stayed with them for a week to help with their suicidal ideation, I did all the legwork of finding their therapist and send them apartment listings, and that at this point I'm suffering, and it's not fair for them to act like I never help. They seemed extremely taken aback that I cut them off and yelled at them (I didn't curse, or call them any names or make any character judgements; just stated some facts and I-statements, but I was yelling), because again, that's extremely outside my normal range of actions. But I just couldn't take it anymore.They apologized to me and left my apartment immediately. 

I felt guilty for the week after, but I don't regret it. I don't know that it was my calmest or most emotionally impressive moment, but my main problem is I can never feel or express anger, so this was a big step for me. I am going to try to return to my baseline now, but I think it was important for them to learn they can't just say whatever they want to me whenever they want. They never asked me for an apology or brought it back up again. Our relationship is still not good, but this incident made me feel...more empowered I guess, to stick up for myself (hopefully in a more controlled way next time).

[anonsafe1]

Hi there, it's my first time posting. I wanted to share the story of the first time I set a boundary with my sibling, last month. I hope it can help others.

My younger sibling wBPD recently went through a breakup with a long-term partner they lived with, and I was there to bear the brunt of that (stayed at their house for a week, didn't do anything but go to work and take care of them, got info on hospitalization options, got my parents involved which was a huge difficult mess, etc). They moved to DC right after, but wanted to come back to NYC. I live in NYC. They would frequently ask me last-minute if they could stay at my place whenever they had scheduled and apartment viewing, but I'm a very very busy person who also values my privacy and sleep quality, so these are really big demands of me (especially since they refuse to sleep in the living room, and insist on sleeping in my bedroom). I wanted to be supportive though, so I would agree most times that they could sleep at my house (even though it was an intrusion -- also I have roommates to consider).

Anyways: one week they ask if they can sleep at my house Friday and Saturday, and I say yes because I'm on vacation anyway. I tell them while I'm on vacation, I probably won't have reception and I was trying to be off my phone (which was half true and half me trying to be like: please don't bother me on vacation). They texted me while I was away regardless, to ask if they could sleep there Sunday and Monday too. They specifically said that if they couldn't, they could always go back to DC, it would just be a little more of a hassle for them, but it would be ok.

So I think to myself: well me and my roommates are all returning from vacation at the same time, I want stability upon return, and I never agreed to Sunday and Monday, and they said they could go home. Great! Then I'll have them go home.

I call my sibling when I get back to the city and say (and this is the first time I've ever tried to set a hard boundary with them -- and they've taken a lot from me),
"Hi, so if it's okay, I would probably prefer you went back to DC, since my roommates and I need to get settled for the work week."
And they say, "You'd PREFER I don't stay here, or I CAN'T stay here?"
and I say, "Well, this is my nice way of basically saying no."
Which launched their fury, and they immediately got enraged and began saying things like "[My friend] would never do this to me, and I would never do this to you, so I just can't believe you'd do this to me" and "Well sometimes you have to do stuff you don't prefer to do" (rich coming from them!) and "I thought we were family" and etc. I started crying and I said "So it sounds like I never had an option to say no to you?" and they kept going on about how I am essentially selfish and unhelpful.

I don't know what happened, but at some point, as I was getting yelled at on the phone about what a terrible person I am, I felt like I blacked out and just snapped, and I yelled back at them (which I have never yelled at anyone in my entire life) to say that I have allowed them to stay with me multiple times last minute, I stayed with them for a week to help with their suicidal ideation, I did all the legwork of finding their therapist and send them apartment listings, and that at this point I'm suffering, and it's not fair for them to act like I never help. They seemed extremely taken aback that I cut them off and yelled at them (I didn't curse, or call them any names or make any character judgements; just stated some facts and I-statements, but I was yelling), because again, that's extremely outside my normal range of actions. But I just couldn't take it anymore.They apologized to me and left my apartment immediately. 

I felt guilty for the week after, but I don't regret it. I don't know that it was my calmest or most emotionally impressive moment, but my main problem is I can never feel or express anger, so this was a big step for me. I am going to try to return to my baseline now, but I think it was important for them to learn they can't just say whatever they want to me whenever they want. They never asked me for an apology or brought it back up again. Our relationship is still not good, but this incident made me feel...more empowered I guess, to stick up for myself (hopefully in a more controlled way next time).

[ironflower]

Like... that's the very example of boundary setting that went well?
It's normal to get angry from time to time, certainly in this case and you stood up for yourself so congrats.

I think it's mainly having lived with such emotional chaotically people for so many years that we consider feeling any kind of anger and expressing is feels like it becomes a taboo or like we become like them, which is not true.

[livednlearned]

Good for you sticking to your boundaries 

I'm in my 50s and still learning. I seem to learn and learn and learn. With most people, I'm getting pretty good although when it comes to pwBPD I guess I'm shocked how incessant the boundary stuff is.

I got inner angry at my pwBPD (step daughter) a month ago or so. I say inner angry because my voice was calm, I wasn't even yelling, but I knew and she knew I was pissed.

She was staying at our home for the week and despite having 3 bathrooms, she used mine. She locked the door to the bedroom, then locked the door to my bathroom, then shut the pocket door to the toilet to take a dump. I mean, who does that?

Even though I know it wasn't yelling when I knocked on the door (after breaking into my own bedroom), that's how she took it (and how it felt to me too).

But a weird thing happened. Even though she perceives slights where there aren't any, and runs to her dad, when I was direct and authoritative with her she left and said nothing.

Sometimes I wonder if the strong, no-nonsense boundaries feel so straight up clear that it's almost stabilizing.

[Pook075]

A boundary is saying, "If you do this, then here's how I'm going to react."

A person with BPD is used to doing whatever they want, whenever they want.  So why would they react favorably to a new boundary?  Of course they're going to lose it because they think the world revolves around them.

And usually it does, because when they lose it and throw a temper tantrum, we feel bad and want to make things right.  But that defeats the whole purpose of making a boundary in the first place.

So yeah, you did the right thing...setting the boundary and sticking to it.  The yelling back part was a mistake but we're all human and we sometimes lose it when people treat us a certain way.  Don't feel bad about it, you did something healthy for your relationship with your sister.

My follow-up question is what happened the next time you contacted your sister?  It probably hasn't happened yet since I'm guessing she panted you black.  But that will change in time and you now have one boundary in place- don't ask to stay last minute unless it's an emergency.  Just stick to it and everything will work out in time.