You shouldn't be going on holidays You are just waiting for me to die

[Our abuse recovery guide]

We are leaving on holidays in one week.  We will be gone for 3 weeks.  We go into the wilderness in remote Parks to enjoy camping and kayaking.  There is no cell service.  The journey is 4000km.  It is peaceful, beautiful, and restorative.  We have done this for a few summers now.

Several weeks ago, my H (who took over taking her to appointments and doing groceries when I no longer had the energy or emotional capacity to do this for her) reminded her we were going away, and asked her what her plan was, since we weren't going to be here if she needed something.  They discussed options.  He has brought it up with her several times since.  She has been avoidant.  Last night, our son was home visiting (he lives 6 hours away),  and so we hosted a family dinner with the rest of our family and my mother.  My H asked her about her plan.  She didn't have one.  So he proposed a 5 minute wellness check once a day by home health care while we were away.  Words can't articulate the chaos that ensued.  This morning I asked my H to articulate her behavior.  He said she is in complete denial of her inability to care for herself.  She is toxically obstinate.  She is insecure.  She is irrational. She is unable to consider anybody elses needs. She is now treating my H like a slave. (Me: I think he's beginning to understand on a new level what I have always experienced with her).

Last night at the dinner, I took a new approach.  She always says she wishes she could do something for us.  Total B.S.  Anyways, last night I said: "You know how you like to say you wish you could do something for us?  In a genuinely caring voice I said, "you could say "yes" to these wellness checks, so that we could go enjoy our holiday knowing that you are safe and looked after, should you need anything. Then we know you are ok"  Her reply:  "Let me turn that on you".  I put up my hand and left the room.  S28 (golden child) took over.  He said, "Grandma, I can't believe that you have made something that should take less than 5 min, so difficult".  His head in his hands "Grandma, I am really disappointed".   My H took another approach: "_____, I spend 4-8 hours every week helping you, and this is something you could do for me.  You could say yes to a daily 5 min wellness check so that  we can enjoy our holiday knowing that a health care person is checking on you each day to make sure that you are ok."  D26: the smart one, stays silent.  She has been traumatized enough including by her grandma that she says nothing.  D26SO: grandma this is something nice you could do for your family. S28 Golden Child: "Grandma, will you do this for me?"

In the end and after GC frustration, she agreed.  So H confirmed the arrangement with Home Health Care via email last night. This morning she texted she had found someone else and didn't need home health care.  H phoned her back, to say that was fine, but if something happened (she's recently had a cascade of health issues including trips to emerg) and she needed help, she was going to have to contact home health care and arrange it herself.  She says she can't do this because her Parkinson's is so bad it affects her speech, and she can't get her words out.  Suffice it to say she didn't like being told she would have to arrange help herself, and she got nasty and in an emotionally distraught voice shouted "you shouldn't be going on holidays and leaving me here!  You are all just waiting for me to die!" At which point I jumped on the phone and said "STOP", and had plenty to say including we were asking for her to accept a wellness check daily BECAUSE WE CARE AND LOVE HER.  H (a rational and composed person 99.99% of the time) jumped in and said for 49 weeks of the year he looks after her, and he   deserves a holiday with his wife and son.  A few moments later, she hung up.  I recorded the whole thing on my phone, because I could predict a bad outcome before the call started, and I know I need to protect myself and us.

A few days ago, she woke up the household at 2am saying "I have a bladder infection.  Should I go to emerg.?"  Eight hours earlier, she had her grandson at her house at the end of his work day (he's working remotely while at home) because she wanted him to make cookies at her house.  Just her and him.  She was perfectly fine for that, and he reported she had no complaints.   On the phone at 2am, my H replied "What do you think?"  Her: "There probably won't be anyone to see me in emerg at 2am."  H: "Right.  So what should you do?"  Her: " I could call my doctor in the morning."  H: "Right.  You do that".  Before the self-diagnosed bladder infection (I even doubt she really has one), she had us take her to emerg late at night because she couldn't see after her macular degeneration shots (which H takes her for).  Miraculously, after waiting in emerg 2 hours with over 10 people still in front of her, her vision improved and she asked to go home.  Before that, it was pain in her hip going down her leg and asked her doc for more pain killers.  Before that it was needing to increase her levodopa (Parkinson's drug).  Before that it was an angina attack.  Before that it was something else.  It just never ends.  She can't see. She can't hear.  She can't talk.  She can't walk.  She doesn't cook.  She doesn't sleep.  She has pain after pain after pain.  But miraculously, at her geriatrician's appointment, she was perfect, and he commented that she was "better than he was expecting".  She passed with flying colours.  All her meds were appropriate.  Nothing out of the ordinary.

The lies, the deceit, the hidden agenda's, the manipulations, the denial, the obstinacy, the toxicity, the blame, the assaults...we are sick of it.

So after the phone call and her accusation that "everyone wants her to die", and we shouldn't be going on holidays, H wrote her an email.  He gave her the phone number of her health care case manager, and told mom to call her and tell her what she wanted or didn't want.  He also told her that after all he does for her, and holding her in his arms telling her everything would be ok during her angina attack while waiting for the ambulance", telling him he wanted her to die was just wrong, and he didn't feel good.  He also told her fixing this wasn't going to be easy, and she could think about what she needed to do.  He also said he needed some space for a while, and wouldn't be able to buy her groceries this week.  He hasn't heard back from her.

Craziness.  This is why we head into nature to be with the birds, and fish, and bears and no cell service.  They are much more pleasant. 

Any support, thoughts or advice is appreciated. 


 

[Methuen]

We are leaving on holidays in one week.  We will be gone for 3 weeks.  We go into the wilderness in remote Parks to enjoy camping and kayaking.  There is no cell service.  The journey is 4000km.  It is peaceful, beautiful, and restorative.  We have done this for a few summers now.

Several weeks ago, my H (who took over taking her to appointments and doing groceries when I no longer had the energy or emotional capacity to do this for her) reminded her we were going away, and asked her what her plan was, since we weren't going to be here if she needed something.  They discussed options.  He has brought it up with her several times since.  She has been avoidant.  Last night, our son was home visiting (he lives 6 hours away),  and so we hosted a family dinner with the rest of our family and my mother.  My H asked her about her plan.  She didn't have one.  So he proposed a 5 minute wellness check once a day by home health care while we were away.  Words can't articulate the chaos that ensued.  This morning I asked my H to articulate her behavior.  He said she is in complete denial of her inability to care for herself.  She is toxically obstinate.  She is insecure.  She is irrational. She is unable to consider anybody elses needs. She is now treating my H like a slave. (Me: I think he's beginning to understand on a new level what I have always experienced with her).

Last night at the dinner, I took a new approach.  She always says she wishes she could do something for us.  Total B.S.  Anyways, last night I said: "You know how you like to say you wish you could do something for us?  In a genuinely caring voice I said, "you could say "yes" to these wellness checks, so that we could go enjoy our holiday knowing that you are safe and looked after, should you need anything. Then we know you are ok"  Her reply:  "Let me turn that on you".  I put up my hand and left the room.  S28 (golden child) took over.  He said, "Grandma, I can't believe that you have made something that should take less than 5 min, so difficult".  His head in his hands "Grandma, I am really disappointed".   My H took another approach: "_____, I spend 4-8 hours every week helping you, and this is something you could do for me.  You could say yes to a daily 5 min wellness check so that  we can enjoy our holiday knowing that a health care person is checking on you each day to make sure that you are ok."  D26: the smart one, stays silent.  She has been traumatized enough including by her grandma that she says nothing.  D26SO: grandma this is something nice you could do for your family. S28 Golden Child: "Grandma, will you do this for me?"

In the end and after GC frustration, she agreed.  So H confirmed the arrangement with Home Health Care via email last night. This morning she texted she had found someone else and didn't need home health care.  H phoned her back, to say that was fine, but if something happened (she's recently had a cascade of health issues including trips to emerg) and she needed help, she was going to have to contact home health care and arrange it herself.  She says she can't do this because her Parkinson's is so bad it affects her speech, and she can't get her words out.  Suffice it to say she didn't like being told she would have to arrange help herself, and she got nasty and in an emotionally distraught voice shouted "you shouldn't be going on holidays and leaving me here!  You are all just waiting for me to die!" At which point I jumped on the phone and said "STOP", and had plenty to say including we were asking for her to accept a wellness check daily BECAUSE WE CARE AND LOVE HER.  H (a rational and composed person 99.99% of the time) jumped in and said for 49 weeks of the year he looks after her, and he   deserves a holiday with his wife and son.  A few moments later, she hung up.  I recorded the whole thing on my phone, because I could predict a bad outcome before the call started, and I know I need to protect myself and us.

A few days ago, she woke up the household at 2am saying "I have a bladder infection.  Should I go to emerg.?"  Eight hours earlier, she had her grandson at her house at the end of his work day (he's working remotely while at home) because she wanted him to make cookies at her house.  Just her and him.  She was perfectly fine for that, and he reported she had no complaints.   On the phone at 2am, my H replied "What do you think?"  Her: "There probably won't be anyone to see me in emerg at 2am."  H: "Right.  So what should you do?"  Her: " I could call my doctor in the morning."  H: "Right.  You do that".  Before the self-diagnosed bladder infection (I even doubt she really has one), she had us take her to emerg late at night because she couldn't see after her macular degeneration shots (which H takes her for).  Miraculously, after waiting in emerg 2 hours with over 10 people still in front of her, her vision improved and she asked to go home.  Before that, it was pain in her hip going down her leg and asked her doc for more pain killers.  Before that it was needing to increase her levodopa (Parkinson's drug).  Before that it was an angina attack.  Before that it was something else.  It just never ends.  She can't see. She can't hear.  She can't talk.  She can't walk.  She doesn't cook.  She doesn't sleep.  She has pain after pain after pain.  But miraculously, at her geriatrician's appointment, she was perfect, and he commented that she was "better than he was expecting".  She passed with flying colours.  All her meds were appropriate.  Nothing out of the ordinary.

The lies, the deceit, the hidden agenda's, the manipulations, the denial, the obstinacy, the toxicity, the blame, the assaults...we are sick of it.

So after the phone call and her accusation that "everyone wants her to die", and we shouldn't be going on holidays, H wrote her an email.  He gave her the phone number of her health care case manager, and told mom to call her and tell her what she wanted or didn't want.  He also told her that after all he does for her, and holding her in his arms telling her everything would be ok during her angina attack while waiting for the ambulance", telling him he wanted her to die was just wrong, and he didn't feel good.  He also told her fixing this wasn't going to be easy, and she could think about what she needed to do.  He also said he needed some space for a while, and wouldn't be able to buy her groceries this week.  He hasn't heard back from her.

Craziness.  This is why we head into nature to be with the birds, and fish, and bears and no cell service.  They are much more pleasant. 

Any support, thoughts or advice is appreciated. 


 

[Methuen]

Now she's been texting H from full victim and pity party mode.  He's been responding with facts and boundaries. 

His last text: Call home care and tell them what you want or don't want.  I'm shutting my phone down.  This back and forth is too hard.

Then he blocked her.

[TelHill]

Hello Methuen,

So sorry this is happening.  I sure recognize the bpd mom dynamics and the unpleasantness. It's really awful.

Am glad you stuck to your boundaries and will go on your well-deserved vacation.  You've done all you can to make certain she is looked after. tbh, if she's so strong willed to keep coming at you time and time again to guilt trip you guys, she has the same strong will to get help if she needs it.

I had to laugh when she couldn't "see" after her macular degeneration treatment. My mom has macular degeneration and supposedly can't see. She pointed out a small piece of lint on my black pants a few feet away.  Her need to feel superior to me with grooming knocked out her pity party of not being able to "see."

I would offer one suggestion. The idea came from my bpd mom though I know she didn't mean it to help. I was explaining how unfair she was and repeated it out of frustration. . She said - I get it. Once is enough. I thought you're right. I know she said it to goad me more but I stopped explaining. Once was enough.  I understood what the saying you win by not playing meant.

I don't know if that helps. You don't deserve to be exhausted over childish shenanigans from bpd mom.

I hope you and your family enjoy your vacation!

[zachira]

I am sad you and your family are having to deal with being so unappreciated and disrespected by your mother. The only advice I have to offer is to have a plan to get your mother to the emergency room without you or your husband having to take her, as your mother will surely manage to have some kind of crisis that requires an emergency room visit just before you leave. I am so glad you have planned to have a well deserved three week vacation with no interruptions from your mother.

[Notwendy]

You have my support for going on your much deserved vacation. Good for you to have boundaries. Your H has been a wonderful help to your mother. Sounds like he's had all he can tolerate of this behavior.

BPD mother has done something similar to her family nearby. She did the same thing- asked her relative to take her to ER- when she already had a home health worker set up to take her. Her relatives have also reached their limit of tolerance with her. They said no. The ER didn't find anything to be concerned about.

One of her statements when she had asked to move nearer to me was that "she won't bother me much". I didn't believe this but I did wonder if she'd do better in assisted living. She was in her house at the time. Now that she's been in assisted living, I know she isn't doing better emotionally or behavior wise- even with the additional support. We didn't expect her to be different, we just hoped the situation would be better for her. It is better for her physical well being to be there. Emotionally, mentally- no, because it's not the environment but her own internal emotions.

Nobody, nothing, nowhere, will be "enough" for her and you know this with your mother as well. I think it's a good thing you are going on vacation and out of range. You and your whole family could dedicate 24/7 to your mother and to her, it wouldn't be enough. Because the problem isn't you or anything you or your H do or don't do. It's her own thinking that makes it this way.

Sending you hugs and wishes for a wonderful holiday.

[Methuen]

There is a another current thread about dissociation.  My mom has uBPD, diagnosed depression, diagnosed anxiety, and undiagnosed PTSD.  I believe she has a lot of dissociation going on.

Dissociation is a self preservation tool against toxic shame.  Yet despite all the special things we do for her and the time we put into supporting her, she accuses us of not loving her when she has some need she perceives we are not meeting.  Eg. We are going on holiday and thus won’t be available to her.  Clearly this is unforgivable.  But there is so much evidence she is loved and cared for.  Yet she dissociates and is able to accuse us of not loving her, which clearly isn’t true.  Telling us we shouldn’t be going on holidays and we only want her to die must be dissociation.  But how does it serve her when it feels abusive and my H ends up blocking her?  It pushes the people closest to her away.  She is so exasperating we need distance to protect ourselves. It all just doesn’t make sense.  Darwinism is about survival of the fittest.  BPD is known for causing toxicity that drives away the people closest to them.  If dissociation is what allows them to escape their toxic shame, why do they keep using a tool that drives away the people closest to them?

[zachira]

Methuen,
As someone who has spent most of my life dissociated until EMDR treatment, I was incapable of being present and not dissociated a lot of the time until the EMDR therapist forced me to stay present in the moment which was terribly triggering and unbearable to do alone. My EMDR therapist quit providing EMDR because how destablizing it was for so many clients, and many other therapists have done so for the same reason. Your mother cannot be any other way or change as you know, and it hurts your heart to see that there is no way for her to feel the care and love you and your family have faithfully provided. Do you know anything about your mother's childhood and family of origin dynamics that could possibly explain though not justify how your mother is treating you and your family when you reach out and try to help her?

[Notwendy]

Darwinism is about survival of the fittest.  BPD is known for causing toxicity that drives away the people closest to them.  If dissociation is what allows them to escape their toxic shame, why do they keep using a tool that drives away the people closest to them?

My father had many positive and admirable qualities, but as capable as he was in other aspects, he seemed to submit to her wishes, even if it was not in accordance with his own judgment. There was something about my mother that was irresistible to him and my father seemed to abdicate all to her. She herself had no power on her own but she had my father and all he accomplished.

Darwinism is about organisms having traits that help them to survive as a species. I think attraction- beyond physical- there's something else about her even if she was attractive in her younger years- -is my mother's survival trait and she's good at it. I think people like her have skills to attract people. Not all will continue to be in her circle but she seems to be attractive to people initially.


She's also good at manipulating people. For others, we may have done well in school, been good at our jobs- these are positive traits too.  As humans, we are diverse. We have all kinds of positive traits, maybe not all in the relationship sense but my BPD mother's abilities allow her to prevail. Someone without them might not. So I think in terms of Darwinism, there is selection for her abilities even if they cause difficulties in relationships.

[Methuen]

Methuen,
Your mother cannot be any other way or change as you know, and it hurts your heart to see that there is no way for her to feel the care and love you and your family have faithfully provided.

exactly.  Her behavior is so hopelessly irrational.  And toxically frustrating to be accused of wanting her to die, and being told we shouldn't be going on holidays, after doing so much caring and care for her.  It's just wrong.  She crossed the red line when she said these things to H.  He told her he needs a break and she should find someone else to do her grocery shopping this week.  She isn't going to reach out to us.  So we might not even see her before we go on our trip in a week.

Do you know anything about your mother's childhood and family of origin dynamics that could possibly explain though not justify how your mother is treating you and your family when you reach out and try to help her?

Yes.  Her father was a monster.  He abused his wife and all of his children physically, emotionally, sexually.  I have known this since childhood and always understood this explained my mom's issues.  To top it off, her mother died of cancer when mom was 14, and my mother was the daughter who had to stay home from school to care for her for a year before she died.  This was in about 1950.  That was the first abandonment, because while their mother couldn't protect her children from their father's rage and abuse, she at least cared about them, and did what she could to love them.  But then she died.  When my father died 18 years ago, that was the second abandonment, because he was a special person and kind and somehow figured out how to navigate a relationship with her.  I've always said that when he died, my life changed.
NotWendy (I couldn't get the quotebox to work...)

She's also good at manipulating people. For others, we may have done well in school, been good at our jobs- these are positive traits too.  As humans, we are diverse. We have all kinds of positive traits, maybe not all in the relationship sense but my BPD mother's skills allow her to prevail. Someone without them might not. So I think in terms of Darwinism, there is selection for her skills.

This makes sense.  I get your point.  But it's a poor quality of life they bring to themselves and those around them with all their chaos. I guess it's survival, but not necessarily quality.

[Notwendy]

It is a very sad situation for my mother and yours. Humans are so complex though- and Darwinism is about traits. Although BPD has a genetic component, look at those of us on this board who don't have BPD and tend to be responsible people. Maybe back in the cavemen days, our mothers were attracting the males of the species who were larger and stronger to come protect us all from predators while we were the ones taking care of the pack so both abilities contributed to survival of the group as a whole?

[Methuen]

So one of my mom's friends whom I'll call Jane, and whom she's obligated to be another caregiver just called me because mom called her and had trouble talking.  Jane was worried mom was having a stroke. We saw this at the dinner when the conversation about a wellness check from home care once a day started. When mom gets anxious, her Parkinson's symptoms including shaking and not getting her words out gets worse.   Mom treats Jane like family but Jane doesn't want to be treated like family, and has her own life and things to do.  She told mom she needed to call her family for help.  Of course mom hasn't called us because she accused us of wanting her to die, and yelled at us that if we loved her we wouldn't be going on holidays, and so H distanced himself.  So now mom is stuck because her friend-caregivers are overwhelmed, and we are going away.  

It was a constructive conversation with Jane.  Jane is a kind and caring person.  Jane has a clear picture and understanding of mom's shananigans, but was still shocked to hear that mom is claiming she doesn't need homecare because she has "friends who want to help her" and has even reported this to home care.  Jane reports being very clear with mom on what she can and can't do.  She told us she regularly tells mom she should be getting care or assisted living.  I was so relieved I started to cry in appreciation.  We told her that having strong boundaries and saying no to mom would be the best way to help mom, because it would force her to accept the daily home care wellness checks.  Jane is happy to comply.  Jane was in shock that mom had told us we shouldn't be going on holidays, and accused us of wanting her to die.  Apparently some people can see how much we do.

Mom is clearly falling apart.  I'm fully expecting it is possible for her to have a nervous breakdown 1 or days before we leave.  Then what?  We actually have an itinerary with reservations at campsites in the wilderness we are hopefully heading into.

[Methuen]

It is a very sad situation for my mother and yours. Humans are so complex though- and Darwinism is about traits. Although BPD has a genetic component, look at those of us on this board who don't have BPD and tend to be responsible people. Maybe back in the cavemen days, our mothers were attracting the males of the species who were larger and stronger to come protect us all from predators while we were the ones taking care of the pack so both abilities contributed to survival of the group as a whole?

This made me laugh.  Out loud.  But I get your point.  Thanks for the laugh.  Following this is the "ick" reflex.  It's just so intense right now.  My mother is acting out all the worst bordeline traits (except the suicide threats haven't started yet) and like a narcissist is wholly engrossed in her own victimhood and unable to see another point of view, or the distress she brings to her loved ones and friends.  She doesn't care about any of them, she only cares about herself.  From her point of view, we obviously don't love her because we would never leave her when she's feeling like this.  In fact, we are the cause of all her  bad feelings.  It's always everybody elses fault.  Everybody else is evil, and she's at the center of her own pity party.

[Notwendy]

Me too. It's hard to see- and it's happening with my mother as well. As she ages, she needs more assistance. I can understand that this is stressful for her- and stress increases the BPD behaviors. It's a tough combination. I think I see why our mothers behave so similarly while yours rejects help and mine wants a lot of it, to excess of what she can afford. I think there's an narcissistic aspect to this. Yours wants to believe that she doesn't need any help- because to need help isn't in sinc with her self image so she dismisses the people who help her.  Mine feels the same but needs to feel superior- so she degrades, controls and criticizes them. Both tactics result in them feeling abandoned and like victims.

Then there is the actual suffering- both physical and mental- that of their aging process that they make worse by their behavior. Our instincts are to care for the aged and infirm- we held the pack together in our cave days right? But we also have to protect the pack and ourselves from the BPD behavior and there's the dilemma. We don't think like someone with BPD so we have to balance protecting ourselves with our own moral codes while they don't follow the same rules. They will do and say mean things that we'd be upset with ourselves if we said  something like that back to them.

We moved my mother to assisted living in hopes that it would be a better situation for her. I know now that this was a failed attempt. She's had one "crisis" after another, been to the ER a few times, been to skilled rehab a few times. She just can't emotionally settle. The assisted living is a very nice place. They have activities, she won't do any of them. She won't even go downstairs to eat meals, she has them brought to her in her room. She's been evaluated by psychiatry. She isn't depressed. She's just being who she is.

I think your mother has burned out your H. I wouldn't blame him if he's done with her/ My mother's family are done with her and I understand why. It's a very sad situation for our mothers and us too, but I think once we've tried to help and they continue their behavior, then that is their choice unless they become legally incompetent and then, someone takes over control of their choices for them.

[zachira]

I think you are right that your mother will likely have a breakdown right before you are ready to leave on vacation. Is it possible to leave earlier than planned?

[Methuen]

I think you are right that your mother will likely have a breakdown right before you are ready to leave on vacation. Is it possible to leave earlier than planned?

Good idea but unfortunately I am in training at work every day next week, and they’re doing it next week because I will be gone the following 3 weeks.

[zachira]

What about hiring somebody to call your mother every day and see if she needs anything? You would be hiring the person so she can't say no.

[Outdorenthusiast]

Or a family friend/minister/local police or fire? Or even an enthusiastic evangelist?  (All kidding aside) - you will be able to enjoy your vacation knowing a “pet sitter” is taking care of your beloved pet.  I would recommend having something/someone with instructions rather than nothing - then let “Jesus take the wheel” knowing you have done everything you can.  You need your respite - complete with no guilt.

[PearlsBefore]

Your fifth paragraph starts to bleed into my own recent story, ambulance calls for a UTI, ambulance calls for "general non-specific leg pain", etc. It's not quite Munchausens but it's not far off - there's a fear of mortality in our case (possibly in your case) which arises from the beloved dBPD having done some objectionably terrible things in life and therefore terrified of eternal judgment and therefore terrified of stubbing her toe.

Ultimately the second half of your title (which made me smirk seeing it, after deadpanning the first half - because now I could hear the voice in my head) is just the classic BPD "You're going to leave me, everybody hates me, you're all going to abandon me" - but overlaid on a general fear of mortality.

[Notwendy]

That fear would be a part of aging and there are supports for that- faith based and secular- counseling, family and community. It seems that pwBPD would not be able to form the kind of bonds that would help with this. With my BPD mother, the people in her circle are in context of what they can do for her, not a mutual bond.

When I visit her at the assisted living, I see the residents socializing on the porch, or in the main lobby room. Some of them are in good health and active, they may just need a bit of assistance in some tasks. I stop and chat with them for a bit- and have gotten to know some of the residents- and they support each other. They have activities and social events in this assisted living.

There's a distinct difference when interacting with BPD mother. She stays in her room. She won't go to social events - but she doesn't do these things on her own anyway. She's not depressed- she's been evaluated- but this is a change for her- to go from her home to a community. While I had thought she was more social, she doesn't seem to be able to connect with others in the same way but this is her "normal".  Even as a kid, we'd go out with my father on weekends and do things but BPD mother didn't come with us.

There's a paradox - over using the emergency room - and then not being compliant with the medical care prescribed, What I have seen her do with the medical team is similar to how she interacts with her family- we try to help her but then, she resists or discounts, suggestions or advice.

So yes, as PearsBefore stated, the over use of the emergency room and family to as a way of handling feelings and fears may be a part of this as they may not be able to connect with other forms of emotional support.

[Methuen]

Late last night I got a text from mom: my pulse is 148.  Call 911 and get me an ambulance.  We drove to her house and brought her to emergency.  They immediately hooked her up to an IV.  Now backtracking to the morning:

Mom's housekeeper called me.  Mom was calling her for help.  Long story short, the housekeeper has been happy to clean mom’s house, but is tired of being directed to do other things by mom, and wants her life back. Mom has been telling home care she doesn’t need a wellness check while we are away because she has friends to help her.  I personally spoke to those friends yesterday (including the housekeeper) and it turns out they don't want to do this, and never agreed to be her caregiver.  One of them even said she doesn't want to be treated like a daughter.  Mom keeps obligating them, and they want their life back.  

Mom hired a private health care worker who gives mom her baths (mom calls her a "friend").  Mom has been telling us she gets a bath every week.  We spoke with the worker tonight, and  she told us mom very often cancels her baths.  Apparently she hasn’t had a bath in two months. She hardly sees mom, and couldn't believe it when we told her mom really likes her. Maybe not getting baths has something to do with why she got a bladder infection this past Friday?  We are passing this info on to home care.  She is still finishing the antibiotics.

When we picked mom up at the house tonight, she told me she thought she was having a stroke.  Emerg was empty, so she immediately got a bed and an IV.  She tried telling the Doc she had drank 10 cranberry juices today. They took one look at her and knew she was dehydrated.  After a lot of talk, visiting, questions by nurse and Dr, and a consult between Doc and H and I, it was determined that the reason her heart rate was up was because she stopped taking her heart pills two days ago.  She had disclosed that to us.  She decided she didn’t need them because they were too big to swallow.  This is what landed her in emergency.  Anxiety from Friday night, Saturday’s meltdown with H and being blocked by H, probably played a role too.  Her anxiety was the worst I have ever seen.

At the end of the night, the doctor prescribed home care to check in on mom every day we are gone for 3 weeks to make sure she is taking ALL her medication.

Now there is documentation she is non compliant.  This is not the first time.  It is a pattern.

The doctor told us to go on our well deserved trip and enjoy ourselves without feeling guilty.

Ironic aint it?  Her decisions and behaviour results in getting the very thing she was fighting to not have (home care).  

At the end of the night when we took her home, she was  happy with all the attention she got, she liked her nurse and doctor, and was feeling better because she was hydrated and the staff gave her the meds she hadn’t been taking which made her heart rate quickly came down.  We even got a thank you when we got her home again.  That will quickly wear off.

At the end of the night, I just couldn't believe that she got prescribed home care.  That was just too good to be true.  

I am skeptical as to how she will handle it while we are away.

[zachira]

Methuen,
So happy for you to now have the support you need for your mother so you can enjoy your vacation and also to have your experiences with your mother validated by so many people. Your mother is no longer able to fool the medical people or the people she considers to be friends. Glad you no longer have to worry about what emergency room crisis your mother will create before you go on vacation, as it has already taken place.
We never know when the disordered family members will no longer be able to fool most people into thinking they are the victims of being poorly treated by family members who have gone overboard to get along with them. I have been keeping my fingers crossed for you, and it looks like you are now in the driver's seat with your mother no longer able to manipulate the outside world. I hope while you are on vacation you and your husband will come up with some plans on how to manage your mother when you return. Perhaps you can hire someone to take over her grocery shopping. I hope you will think about how to manage the trips to the emergency room without you or your husband having to go along, as your mother uses the emergency room visits to spend time with you. Perhaps you can just call an ambulance when your mother says she needs to go to the emergency room and keep in contact with the emergency room by phone. It does seem you are now in the position to refuse to take her home, and the medical staff now has the documentation to refuse to let your mother go home without home health care or to make her go into a rehabilitation facility. There are several rehabilitation facilities in my community, which usually have an opening for new patients, and many seniors stay there until the end of their life.
Enjoy your well deserved vacation!

[TelHill]

Am glad you're able to go on vacation with someone mandated to look in on mom daily.  

Enjoy yourself.  This park sounds like a wonderful place.

P.S. I was worried when I left my caregiver role to my dBPD mom. My brother took over. I knew it wasn't ideal. Nothing different happened. She knew how to manipulate him as she did me. Crazy antics are mandatory. I can count on it with my mother.

Her needs were met.  Whatever health issues happen would happen with or without me. She's still around as healthy as ever.   

[Notwendy]

That's great news that someone will check on your mother while you are away. Enjoy your holidays!

[So Stressed]

Methuen, I can relate to everything that you said.  I had the same reaction most years when I went on vacation, and of course, it got worse over the years as Mom aged.  In the beginning years, I just went anyway and didn't have to worry about her health and safety, but then in the last 3 years, she needed support.  I tried to arrange care before going away ... home health care, wellness checks, and shopping assistance. However, Mom fired them and/or refused to use them. She told me she wouldn't have them because that would make me feel better, and she wasn't going to give me that. I called every day to check in on her and had so much insurance so I could get home if I needed to.

There were accusations about how I didn't care for her, and she had done everything for me, and now that she needed me, I was not there for her, etc.  There were usually ambulance calls in the days leading up to the vacation to try to stop me from going ... I nodded when I read about your 2 a.m. call about the UTI, and what should she do. I have spent so many nights in ER with her when it turned out to be nothing, or else something that would have waited for an appointment at the dr.'s office.

So, I went on the vacation at the encouragement of my therapist. Every time I called Mom, she was crying, sobbing, emotional, accusing me of leaving her.  It was pretty hard to have a good time, but I stood my ground and had the vacation.  Mom wouldn't use any of the services that I arranged. Instead, she relied on neighbors. She appealed to them for help because she had been abandoned by her daughter.  I was annoyed that one couple stepped in and started doing everything for her ... they bought into her story about her bad daughter who left her on her own. I think if they had not started doing everything for her, she would have had to use the services that I arranged and then we would have had more help when I was here, too, because we did need extra help. I work full time and am also a senior.

To make a long story short ... this happened 2 years in a row, and Mom told everyone she knew about what a bad daughter I am leaving her with no help.  Then, she also convinced my sibling (who doesn't live nearby, but who also wasn't interested in helping) that I am a bad daughter.  So, sibling convinced very elderly Mom to move across 2 states to assisted living, left all her friends, and me, and her doctor, dentist, etc. to a place where she has no doctor and can't get one and she knows no one.  Sibling rushed out and rescued Mom from bad daughter. It was a reactionary move done as a punishment to me.

I do love Mom even though she has been very abusive to me. From being her full time care giver while also trying to live my life and do my job, I now have time on my hands since she's gone.  I am left thinking, "What the hell just happened?"

It will probably be better for me when I recover from my grief and sadness.  I am so exhausted from all the drama that overtook my life in the last few years.

Enjoy your vacation, Methuen.  You need and deserve it.

[Outdorenthusiast]

Yay!  I like happy endings   

[catmae1]

Methuen and Notwendy - your mother's sound so similar to mine. But I'm so glad you get to go on your holiday Methuen - you and H definitely deserve the break!

[Methuen]

We are going crazy...Mom has been texting H since yesterday...

Mom: "Ask my eye doctor __________ (it's an demand, not a request). I'm terrified about my eyesight."
Mom: "I don't want to go to my next appointment without you.  Appointments kill me."
Mom: "I'm terrified it will happen again."  (eye infection from next macular degeneration shot)
Mom: "I want to stop this round of drops."
Mom: "don't forget my hearing exam in August"
Mom: "my pulse is still 103"
H: "Your pulse has come down so that tells you your meds are working" (she had decided to stop taking them which put her pulse up to reportedly 148 which took us to the emergency room with her - which is when we discovered she had stopped her heart medication)
H: gives her info about different drugs from pharmacy, and asks her if she wants them in a blister pack or separate in a bottle.  She doesn't reply to the question.  
H: "I will grocery shop for you on Thursday."
Mom: "Yes I won't bother you any more.  I've never bothered your kids.  You want me to thank you for everything.  I want to feel like family.  Don't bother the kids you said."
Me (narrator): nobody told her not to bother our daughter while we are on holidays.  What daughter's SO said Friday night at the family dinner was that they would not  be able to provide the level of care that she has been receiving with us, so that is why Home Health Care checks would be helpful to make sure she was well while we were away. Mom of course twisted that completely.  Her translation: "don't bother the kids".  
H: "So do you want groceries on Thursday and would you like the _____ drug included in the blister pack, or in a separate bottle?"
Mom: "All I want is being loved"
H: "We have always loved you.  That is why we went to emergency with you. I still need to know what you want for groceries and what to tell the pharmacist."
Mom: "I told you already.  Two times in life, once when we're babies and once when old.  You told me you'd come after work, you didn't say which day.  I'm not asking again.  I'm not begging again.  I loved looking after your kids."

Me:  She's irrational. Rambling.  Ignoring the questions H is asking so that he can help her, and then accusing him of making her beg.  She's immersed in her pity party again.  We  called her last night (first night after the emerg night) and she sounded pretty good considering everything.  Then came all the above texts, and now she's fully dysregulatling again.

Am I stuck in some kind of confirmation bias, or do her texts fit the BPD narrative?

We're trying to live our life and get things done before our trip, but she constantly interrupts us by inserting herself into our space with childish and needy texts.  

H had emailed homecare with the email address the case worker gave him before the geriatrician appointment to confirm the homecare arrangement set up weeks ago, and inform of recent events. The nurse said that if anything changed with mom, he could contact her. The email was on the business card.  So he did, and mentioned about mom's trip to emerg, not taking her meds, not getting her bath, and her refusal to get home care while we were away. Today he got a reply from that person saying that email address was only for tax purposes, and he should phone a different number.  Curt and brief, like an admonishment.  No acknowledgement of anything he had written or what the family was suffering, other than she understood another person had already put home care in place while we were away.  The admonishment kinda hurt after what we had been through, and since she had given him the business card.

The texts from mom are exhausting.  

Today, I got an email telling me a merchandise order had arrived.  The order is for 2 puzzles I ordered for mom about 3 months ago.  Tomorrow I will bring them to her.  At least she will have something to do while we are away.  I am probably going to be walking into Dante's Inferno. I will be going alone at the end of my work day. 

My plan is to arrive with the puzzles and pretend nothing has happened.  That is what she  does.  Deliver the puzzles.  Stay a few minutes.  Get home and continue getting ready for our trip.  Any bets on how the visit will go?

Any advice on my plan?

[zachira]

Methuen,
You have a good plan. Keep reminding yourself as necessary that your mother's emotions and feelings belong to your mother and not to you. You are almost ready to leave on vacation and be no contact with your mother for 3 weeks. She will have to deal with her emotional dysregulations while you are away. Your situation reminds me somewhat families with a member who is going into an Alzheimer's unit from home are often told, is to not come to visit for awhile, like a couple of weeks, so the family member can better adjust to the new surroundings.

[Tangled mangled]

We are going crazy...Mom has been texting H since yesterday...

Mom: "Ask my eye doctor __________ (it's an demand, not a request). I'm terrified about my eyesight."
Mom: "I don't want to go to my next appointment without you.  Appointments kill me."
Mom: "I'm terrified it will happen again."  (eye infection from next macular degeneration shot)
Mom: "I want to stop this round of drops."
Mom: "don't forget my hearing exam in August"
Mom: "my pulse is still 103"
H: "Your pulse has come down so that tells you your meds are working" (she had decided to stop taking them which put her pulse up to reportedly 148 which took us to the emergency room with her - which is when we discovered she had stopped her heart medication)
H: gives her info about different drugs from pharmacy, and asks her if she wants them in a blister pack or separate in a bottle.  She doesn't reply to the question.  
H: "I will grocery shop for you on Thursday."
Mom: "Yes I won't bother you any more.  I've never bothered your kids.  You want me to thank you for everything.  I want to feel like family.  Don't bother the kids you said."
Me (narrator): nobody told her not to bother our daughter while we are on holidays.  What daughter's SO said Friday night at the family dinner was that they would not  be able to provide the level of care that she has been receiving with us, so that is why Home Health Care checks would be helpful to make sure she was well while we were away. Mom of course twisted that completely.  Her translation: "don't bother the kids".  
H: "So do you want groceries on Thursday and would you like the _____ drug included in the blister pack, or in a separate bottle?"
Mom: "All I want is being loved"
H: "We have always loved you.  That is why we went to emergency with you. I still need to know what you want for groceries and what to tell the pharmacist."
Mom: "I told you already.  Two times in life, once when we're babies and once when old.  You told me you'd come after work, you didn't say which day.  I'm not asking again.  I'm not begging again.  I loved looking after your kids."

Me:  She's irrational. Rambling.  Ignoring the questions H is asking so that he can help her, and then accusing him of making her beg.  She's immersed in her pity party again.  We  called her last night (first night after the emerg night) and she sounded pretty good considering everything.  Then came all the above texts, and now she's fully dysregulatling again.

Am I stuck in some kind of confirmation bias, or do her texts fit the BPD narrative?

We're trying to live our life and get things done before our trip, but she constantly interrupts us by inserting herself into our space with childish and needy texts.  

H had emailed homecare with the email address the case worker gave him before the geriatrician appointment to confirm the homecare arrangement set up weeks ago, and inform of recent events. The nurse said that if anything changed with mom, he could contact her. The email was on the business card.  So he did, and mentioned about mom's trip to emerg, not taking her meds, not getting her bath, and her refusal to get home care while we were away. Today he got a reply from that person saying that email address was only for tax purposes, and he should phone a different number.  Curt and brief, like an admonishment.  No acknowledgement of anything he had written or what the family was suffering, other than she understood another person had already put home care in place while we were away.  The admonishment kinda hurt after what we had been through, and since she had given him the business card.

The texts from mom are exhausting.  

Today, I got an email telling me a merchandise order had arrived.  The order is for 2 puzzles I ordered for mom about 3 months ago.  Tomorrow I will bring them to her.  At least she will have something to do while we are away.  I am probably going to be walking into Dante's Inferno. I will be going alone at the end of my work day. 

My plan is to arrive with the puzzles and pretend nothing has happened.  That is what she  does.  Deliver the puzzles.  Stay a few minutes.  Get home and continue getting ready for our trip.  Any bets on how the visit will go?

Any advice on my plan?

Oh Lord!
I’ve followed this recent episode of drama from your mum and feel so sorry for you.
I wish you could open the front door, drop the puzzles and and run away like you were a mad person ☺️☺️
She might interpret it as my daughter has lost her mind and maybe leave you in peace.
I don’t know how you manage to it, your husband is totally an angel on Earth for all the help he has given . God bless you both.
My parents are in their 60s and 70s and I want nothing to do with the bpd(mum) narc dad inferno

[TelHill]

She never lets up! My dBPD mom is strong willed and persistent too. You have a great plan. Best not to bring it up again.  Am sorry didn't think of this before and it might have helped. (Or maybe not for your mom.)  It tends to rein in my freewheeling mom. 

Don't ask her if she has a plan or to have her choose between two or greater ideas.  Perhaps structure is more comforting than choice at that age? 

Regardless, enjoy yourself!