You shouldn't be going on holidays You are just waiting for me to die

[Methuen]

We only have 3 days of our trip left (back in steady cell service!) and mother has been creeping back into my psyche ( for a few days already).  There are a few subtle signs she hasn’t coped well.  

I woke up in the middle of the night and my brain clicked onto her.  So here I am - trying to process.  

I’m working to not let my brain run away with worst case scenario’s about her.  Which is an interesting challenge for me because she seems like an actual worst case scenario.

Breathe Methuen breathe.

Refocus on the present.  

We are camping with friends for the next 2 days.  And we have a beautiful spot with fun memories picked out for our last night.  

I’m also just observing how the closer I get to being home again meaning closer proximity to her, she is occupying more space in my thoughts.  How sad it is that our BPD parent makes us so anxious, rather than excited to see them again.  

I have noticed that participating in others threads helps to distract and calm me.  I figure it’s more productive than ruminating over mother and possible bad things to unfold, and also getting stressed from not sleeping.  

I am going to practice my breathing and try to be present.

[zachira]

I hear your anxiety and distress about having to be in close contact with your mother again. What are the things that you do now that help you to feel safe? Who are the people whom you feel safe with and make you feel protected? For some victims of trauma, it can help to remind yourself that you are safe now, and to list the reasons why you are indeed safe now while you were not in the past.

[livednlearned]

I’m also just observing how the closer I get to being home again meaning closer proximity to her, she is occupying more space in my thoughts.  How sad it is that our BPD parent makes us so anxious, rather than excited to see them again.

I relate so much to this.

Sometimes anxiety is a form of imagination that leads us to expend energy on things that never happen but in your situation, the anxiety is probably so woven into your relationship with your mother they are all but inseparable. Her neediness alone produces anxiety. It means we have to work whether we cave to the boundary or withstand it, and that alone (having to do work) can evoke anxiety for me. 

Breathe Methuen  

How would you like re-entry to go? How would you like to feel when you walk through your doors? Are there realistic ways you can share the burden of your mom with H that he would be willing and able to help with?

With sleep-time rumination, which for me is the most vulnerable time, I have a weird little story that I work on. The stories have changed over the years but they work almost like a fantasy that my brain likes, and it helps distract me and keep me calm. Do you have any strategies that work for you?

My H is a big fan of visualization, which doesn't work quite as well for me.

The episode where SD26 locked my bedroom and bathroom door for example. Before that, I tried to imagine ways I could stay grounded and not let my feelings jack me up so hard. I don't know if that's a reasonable thing to strive for, but it bothers me that I tell myself to remain calm yet in the thick of it I may as well be on an hours-long roller coaster that won't slow down. When I think about visualization with something like that, it's me locking the door so she can't get in the house 

[Methuen]

For some victims of trauma, it can help to remind yourself that you are safe now, and to list the reasons why you are indeed safe now while you were not in the past.

Thanks for this reminder.  I needed that.  Although, when I think of safety I think most people think of physical safety.  My problem is around emotional safety.  It doesn’t seem to matter how much work we do at setting boundaries and trying to take care of ourselves, when they are dysregulating, they say things to hurt us. Such as” You shouldn’t be going on holidays!  You don’t love me! You are just waiting for me to die!” H and I have done so much for her all our lives, and so it is always a shock when these statements come out with a torrent of vehemence and reprimand and anger”.  In a way I am safe , but then again I am never safe from her feelings, which are true for her but not for me.

LNL,

How would you like re-entry to go?

This is such a good question.  I dream of a genuine welcoming and exhange of hugs like so many people enjoy when reunited with loved ones, but that  isn’t possible. Realistically, I guess it’s simply greetings and sharing photos.  I really don’t want to hear about her gripes, her pains, her made up gossipy narratives, and I really don’t want her to FOG me, blame me or verbally hurt me, either on the first visit or any visit down the road, because I went on vacation and “left her all alone “.

LNL, I’m interested in the “weird story you work on” when you can’t sleep.  Is it a piece of fiction, or are you reframing certain real events to give them a new ending?

I generally first try to focus on my breathing.  When that doesn’t work, I distract my brain with my phone and reading news stories.  That can sometimes make me nod off.  Or I come here. Sometimes I go on a meditation app.  But I’m interested in your “weird strory” strategy because I like stories, and reading and writing.

[livednlearned]

I really don’t want to hear about her gripes, her pains, her made up gossipy narratives, and I really don’t want her to FOG me, blame me or verbally hurt me, either on the first visit or any visit down the road, because I went on vacation and “left her all alone “.

Something I do when I visit my mother is to narrate the conversation in my head. It helps build a bubble that creates some distance. Your mother seems more hyper vigilant about your degree of attention so this might not work for you. For example, "This is a story about someone who she's never met but that doesn't stop the narrator from telling this story. It's a friend's husband's brother's daughter's best friend, who is visiting? or no, she's staying with them, and they are at a party and the daughter? no, it's the best friend, brought a dog who appears to be changing breeds mid-story and now the story has moved to a cruise ship and it's not about the dog, it's about the smell of feces near the buffet table that she reported to the young man standing there who doesn't work there but should do something because she's offended."

LNL, I’m interested in the “weird story you work on” when you can’t sleep.  Is it a piece of fiction, or are you reframing certain real events to give them a new ending?

A bit of both. Sometimes they're kinda embarrassing stories to admit to but since we're in a safe space here ...   .

I listen to a podcaster who interviews artists and one time I was thinking what would it be like to answer some of the questions, specifically about how their life experiences have influenced their art and also their careers. I'm not an artist so it's pure fantasy to think about how I would answer the questions. I used to work on this story almost like a piece of fiction, rewriting in my head and adding details and kind of building a world around this fictional character who is influenced by her childhood to create her art, and how her life is shaped by that and the people she meets. So autobiographical but ... fiction.

Another story I had for a long time was two kids who lived in townhomes next to each, born the same day, from two very different families, how their childhoods were shaped by living next to each other. Until a fire burnt down the homes and the families had to move, how their lives changed and the friendship went through a different arc, mainly because one child lost contact with the parents in the other family, who had such a positive influence. I think it was rooted in a fantasy for me of having a safe, loving family nearby and a pseudo sibling to offset the hollowness and danger of my own experience. Sometimes these stories just come up and it takes a while to recognize what they're really about for me. 

I’m interested in your “weird strory” strategy because I like stories, and reading and writing.

I started doing this at the height of pain during my divorce from n/BPDx when I felt so overwhelmed and trapped and alone. I had no money, no time, and this kind of popped up as something I could do anytime, almost like working on a puzzle except it was all in my head and the solution could be anything I wanted it to be.

It's only now thinking about it that I realize I use stories in a therapeutic way. Like a lot of people who had a violent and/or abusive childhood, I have a hypervigilant streak and used to feel like I had to show up and pay close attention. Only recently as an adult did I realize that people like my mother are not paying as close attention to me as I thought. The storytelling might be a cop out a bit because I'm nodding my head and looking at the person (whether it's my mother or SD26) but I'm doing something entirely different. And I'm a bit shocked to learn how little they notice I'm not really listening. Nodding my head, saying, Wow, or Huh, or Interesting, or some other facial expression that passes for engagement -- all of that is in my toolkit for dealing with difficult people.

I wonder if any of this could work for you.

When I go visit my mother and know that her energy is going to drain me or enrage me, I try to think of our interaction like a video game. One point when she uses the word "scary" and two points for "terrifying" and double points if they're in the same sentence. I'll do the same with negative stories. One point for every negative story and if she says something positive, I subtract a point. If she puts someone down, that's two points.

My husband finds this beyond amusing. He started a game where he gives them a point if they ask him a question about his life (they never do). He is a kind person and tries to support me by having conversations with my mother. She's so very very very self-centered and terribly boring to talk to so he will come back to me and report whether she earned any points for saying something interesting. He also picked up on the fact that she never asks questions about my son and loves to talk about my nieces so that's another point system he tracks. 

I told my son about some of this and he started scoring my mother's texts to him which are so strange we all share them and do a live reading to each other. It's mean but makes things bearable for everyone. She sent him a baseball hat sized for a small child (he's 22) and then sent a text asking him if he liked the t-shirt. I suspect there is some cognitive decline happening but her whole life she has never been able to connect on a deep level with people. It isn't benign when it's your mother who treats you like a garbage can so I figure the point of all this is to make my interactions with her tolerable. Without these strategies I get back spasm from the stress, or shingles, or vestibular migraines. I need a lifeline and this seems to be working ok (as long as I'm also limiting time with her and other coping mechanisms).

[Notwendy]

I relate so much to this.

Her neediness alone produces anxiety.

I can relate, Methuen. I also sometimes wake up at night too. If she calls frequently- that's difficult. When she doesn't call- I think it's because she is up to something.

It's become evident that moving her to assisted living has not helped as much as we have hoped. It has helped in some ways- one is that she isn't alone in her house- even with one on one helpers at the house- she still controlled the situation. At least in assisted living she isn't dealing with house repairs, meals, and there is staff to check on her. But she remains difficult and she doesn't make use of the amenities there, and has a high need of attention, continues to spend money recklessly- and is still considered legally able to do that.

I think a common theme here is the engaging in self destructive behaviors- which result in a crisis situation rather than to accept advice and practice protective behaviors. No matter what arrangement is made for their own well being, they seem to sabotage it. Your mother is doing this in her own home. Mine did this until it became unsustainable financially for her. Her living situation is different but her behaviors are the same.

I think the crisis to crisis pattern is a part of it. It seems that somehow, there was some kind of situation that demanded immediate response in my family that somehow hijacked the attention to BPD mother. It makes sense we'd be thinking about how to manage- to gain some sense of control.

[Methuen]

It's become evident that moving her to assisted living has not helped as much as we have hoped. It has helped in some ways- one is that she isn't alone in her house- even with one on one helpers at the house- she still controlled the situation. At least in assisted living she isn't dealing with house repairs, meals, and there is staff to check on her. But she remains difficult and she doesn't make use of the amenities there, and has a high need of attention, continues to spend money recklessly- and is still considered legally able to do that.

I am sorry to hear that moving her to assisted living hasn't helped as much as what you had hoped.  

For me it might be different because I live in the same small community as her and everyone sees me and H as being responsible for her, since the social expectation is to "take care of your elderly mother". They don't know her like we do. She generally only shows her "charming" side to public people that aren't immediate family.  She is 87.  Her friends in their 90's are different from her because they can still drive, shop for their own groceries, cook their own meals, get themselves to appointments, shower/bath, visit friends, participate in their community to varying degrees. They still get family support for some things, but not for every little thing.
 
My mom can't do any of that. She doesn't cook for herself or bath herself. We are obligated to do more than is "generally normal for her age", because when we have set up home care, she cancels it, and she is legally able to do that.  If she was in assisted living, we wouldn't have to do any of that, or her house repairs, or so many other time consuming things that we have to arrange because she "can't".  Assisted living would also cut down our required contact time, which would cut down our stress and frustration from being treated as her slaves.  Quite frankly, we have set up boundaries and hold them as best as possible, but it’s still too much.  We wouldn't expect assisted living to change her personality, or make her any less "high conflict" or emotional or anything else. We wouldn't even expect her to participate in activities. Assisted living is not going to "fix" her.  But it would vastly improve our quality of life, because she is grossly sabotaging our "golden years".  She brings unbelievable stress and drama into our lives.  To the point that I "have" to work to have a safe boundary from her.  Of course I resent that, because there are many things on my bucket list that I would like to be doing in my retirement, but I can't, because I have to work.  And I have to work to feel safe from her.  At one point I was frustrated with my boss (loved the job and my clients but the boss was triggering and could even have a PD), and considered "retiring" again, and my T strongly advised me against it, until I had another plan in place for different employment.  I have since changed jobs.

This is a woman who idolized a spinster who retired to "look after her mother" full time.  After the mother passed, the spinster committed suicide.  In my mom's words, she did it because "she missed her mom".  She shared that story with me in such a way to make a point.  

I think the crisis to crisis pattern is a part of it.

 Certainly.  They always need a crisis.  Causing a storm and being in the eye of it gives my mom energy.  It's her "normal".  When she gets outside of that for too long (things are going along too smoothly), she gets uncomfortable and has to create more drama to be comfortable again.  That has been explained to me by several T's over the years.  I get it now.  But it took me a long time to "get it" because it is so counterintuitive to those of us who are not high conflict.

So no, going into assisted living won't change her.  But it would let us live our lives in retirement the way we want to.  Right now we don't have that option, because we are beholden to her.  It's a leg hold trap.

Update on the return of our trip:

We phoned her last night to tell her we were home.  She's deaf, and sabotaged hearing aid appointments for months now, so the phone call was a gong show.  She thought we were phoning from her driveway.  She asked about our trip.  Before I was three words into a reply, she interrupted and said "I can cancel home care now right?"

This morning at 9:10am I got a call from home care.  They said she had called to tell them her "daughter was home and would take care of her now".  It was the last day of home care, so it wasn't a big deal.  But it shows her expectation and entitlement "to be taken care of".  

She is like a 2 year old.

This greatly annoyed me, on the first morning back home.

Later, we brought her a gift from our trip.  It is an activity that she likes to do.  She reported to us that the home care people "said they wished all their clients were like her.  Then their job would be easy!"

I have no doubts she behaved herself for them, because she needs to appear "able" if she is to retain her competency.

She also reported that all the people who came to her house were "nice", even the " d_ _ _ y".

She was no longer dysregulated. She even said "everything went well and we could go on another trip".  I cheerfully replied, "good to hear mom.  Maybe we'll do that!"

Still, she called home care as soon as they opened this morning to cancel today's visit.

[zachira]

I am a little confused here. Her doctor said she had to have home health care while you were away. Is it possible to phone her doctor today, and say that you are not around much, that you work full time and have serious health issues yourself, and you and your husband have several weekend trips planned, are busy in the evenings, and your mother needs to be checked in on regularly and possibly make an immediate appointment with your mother and doctor to discuss scheduling permanent home health care and have the doctor tell her she cannot cancel it or she will not be able to stay in her home? I am concerned as you are that you do not go back to the same old routines as before you left on vacation. Could you make some plans for some short trips between now and your next vacation? Is any of this possible? It is so hard when your mother is always pushing your boundaries to see what she can get away with. The home health care people surely have documented that she is unable to live on her own. Now is possibly the time to make the case with her doctor that you can no longer be responsible for your mother without home health care in place and have the doctor tell your mother this in your presence. I am learning to play the card with my disordered relatives of only seeing them with other people around who they want to look good in front of. Sounds like your mother is very invested in staying in her home, and she knows who she has to impress to do so, and her doctor is on to the fact that she cannot be alone in her home without sufficient outside support. Her doctor needs to know that you and your husband can no longer provide this support.

[Methuen]

Hi Zachira,

Thanks for the reply.  It was the emergency doctor that put home care in place while we were away on vacation.  He put the order in for while we were on vacation. She doesn’t see her family doc that often, and since the early pandemic, docs have gone to phone appointments where I live.  

Where I live, there is the sense that the medical system is collapsing.  There aren’t enough family docs, hospitals are understaffed with nurses and docs, and there are huge waitlists for assisted living and long term care.  I have heard that the waitlist for assisted living in my area is 300.  That equates to years because ours is a small facility.  In fact, many hospital beds are occupied by long term care patients because there aren’t enough long term care beds in specialized facilities.

There is also a staff shortage in home care.  

It’s really quite the mess and hard on families.

Mom’s family doc knows her.  But where I live there is a high bar for removing capacity, and a real reluctance to do so.  It’s very taxing on families.  The situation has put some families in the position of dropping off the elderly parent at emerg, and refusing to take them home again.

I don’t know if these systemic stresses play a role in why her family doc doesn’t take charge of determining her capacity, or if it’s just our medical system’s philosophy that the elderly keep their capacity until they walk outdoors in the cold naked, or threaten suicide.  

She saw the geriatrician in early June and put on a stellar performance where he even remarked that “she was doing better than he expected “.  He made no comments about assisted living, and her family doc would be relying on that I imagine.  

The multiple trips to emerg and dysregulation started the day after her geriatrician appt.

What she does to us is invisible to everyone else, so they don’t see or experience her behaviors.  She reported that home care staff told her they wished all their client visits were as easy as her. It appears she cons them. They don’t experience her neediness like we do. They don’t experience the “Borderline PD”. 

Our system is public. About 2 years ago, I disclosed everything and shared so many examples.  Nothing came of it. Who do they believe?  Me or their staff? Their staff see an old lady who can occasionally be difficult or noncompliant, but is not incompetent.  

She is a master manipulator.

[zachira]

Methuen,
I am so sad for you that you have so little hope of being able to reduce even more your exposure to your mother's abuse of you and your husband. It is like we have discussed so many times before, at some point the dam will break, and some kind of emergency will happen that ends your having so much of a burden of caring for your mother. I get it when you say some families drop off their high maintenance elderly family member at the emergency room and refuse to take them home. Yes, your mother is a master manipulator and you are getting very experienced in outwitting her. What is your plan to stay as safe as you can from your mother's manipulations now that you are back home?

[TelHill]

She saw the geriatrician in early June and put on a stellar performance where he even remarked that “she was doing better than he expected “.  He made no comments about assisted living, and her family doc would be relying on that I imagine.  

The multiple trips to emerg and dysregulation started the day after her geriatrician appt.

Things have changed then for her past the visit to the geriatrician.  If these episodes were real or planned to force you to stay home, I think she's having short lived but troubling medical episodes at home anyway.  

My mom would lie on the bathroom floor when I got up in the morning telling me she'd fallen. I was concerned.

She faked it. She fooled me until she did fall far from me in the house. It sounded like a bomb hit the floor. She wasn't pleased when I found her as she was when she planned it.  I wonder if these faked incidents were her attempts to stop the real incidents.

You can be there 24/7 and medical incidents occur. My mom doesn't want to believe the process is out of her hands.

What she does to us is invisible to everyone else, so they don’t see or experience her behaviors.  She reported that home care staff told her they wished all their client visits were as easy as her. It appears she cons them. They don’t experience her neediness like we do. They don’t experience the “Borderline PD”.  

Three weeks of not having a usual whipping post would make my mom self-combust. I believe someone got the maltreatment and is too professional to complain.  Am sure they see home-bound dementia patients regularly. No difference with bpd shenanigans. Unless they told you themselves, I'd take her glowing report with a grain of salt.  I bet your mom is guilt tripping you for taking a vacation while ensuring she continues aging in place.  

Our system is public. About 2 years ago, I disclosed everything and shared so many examples.  Nothing came of it. Who do they believe?  Me or their staff? Their staff see an old lady who can occasionally be difficult or noncompliant, but is not incompetent.  

She is a master manipulator.

This happened to me in the US with a private health system. Too many frail 80+ year olds acting out and regressing. My mom was hospitalized for 2 weeks in 2020 and no one could visit due to COVID. The nurses were under much pressure and I was told how incorrigible my mother was every day I called. They were angry with raised voices.  Finally the nurses said something.

She was released and nothing came of it.

Methuen, the only thing I can think of to relieve your burden is giving a foreign nursing student free room and board in your mother's house in exchange for caring for mom. I don't know if that possible.

Our moms are what they are. Nothing will change with their disordered behavior. Being kind, being reasonable, being strict, being tough have no effect.

[TelHill]

I forgot to add set strong, consistent boundaries and be strong and consistent with self care. I didn't practice those with dBPD mom and felt my life was over.

[Notwendy]

This happened to me in the US with a private health system. Too many frail 80+ year olds acting out and regressing. My mom was hospitalized for 2 weeks in 2020 and no one could visit due to COVID. The nurses were under much pressure and I was told how incorrigible my mother was every day I called. They were angry with raised voices.  Finally the nurses said something.

She was released and nothing came of it.

Methuen, the only thing I can think of to relieve your burden is giving a foreign nursing student free room and board in your mother's house in exchange for caring for mom. I don't know if that possible.

Our moms are what they are. Nothing will change with their disordered behavior. Being kind, being reasonable, being strict, being tough have no effect.

The US system is limited too. One on one assistance and nursing home care is very costly. One reason my mother's spending is so much is that she prefers one on one care and uses it excessively. It's her money to do what she chooses with but she has overdone this rather than use it only when needed.

Yet, emotionally, leaving her alone is similar to leaving a small child alone. She's an adult in some ways and emotionally she isn't. The problem is there's no niche for someone who still has her faculties and needs that much supervision. Most elderly in this situation have some kind of condition that affect their cognition. There is Medicaid assistance but she's not in the categories to qualify for that.

The legal system protects the elderly from being taken advantage of and preserves their freedom. In general, this is a good thing. Legally, I have no way of controlling my mother or her decisions. If I took this to court, the judge would assume I am taking advantage of her. I am glad these protections are in place because people have taken advantage of her but there's no way to differentiate those of us who don't do that from someone who would.

The idea of someone living with her was considered when she was in her home. The problem is, no student would have time to go to class or do homework because she'd need them there to assist her. It would be a difficult situation for them.

[TelHill]

Notwendy,

No one could foresee advances in medicine enabling people to live longer.  I never expected my parents to live this long. I wish some of those advancements included strengthening bodies and increasing lost cognition.

Warning - rant ahead :  
It's galling to give time and effort to your lifelong tormentor. Then, I have to deal with cultural expectations of being a woman: dropping all to care for mom and brother/father expecting me to massage their egos. Have been pressured by FOO to sell my house to move in with my parents. The expectation of indentured servitude never ends with them.

I will help out with a few hours service a few times per month but never caregive like I did from 2018-2020.  

[livednlearned]

 She saw the geriatrician in early June and put on a stellar performance where he even remarked that “she was doing better than he expected “.

This resonates with something we experienced in our family.

My mother has epilepsy and periodically has her driver's license taken away after seizures. Lately, this meant she was a hundred percent dependent on my father since many of her friends have either died or no longer drive unless it's necessary. My mother has a history of shoplifting and I have this suspicion that she found it harder to do this with my father hovering around waiting for her.

When she went to test for her license, we were shocked to learn she passed. She is so cognitively ... not there. A lifetime being a waif has not sharpened her faculties. One of her knees doesn't work. Years ago she was driving a golf cart and hit the gas instead of the brakes and crashed into her friend's husband, breaking his ankle. Yet she managed to convince people she was capable of driving? I was floored.

We tried to get her acclimated to a car with assisted driving that she claims is "too scary." Being the center of a lot of fuss is heaven to her which, fine. Whatever. But when she's the center of attention she is focused on her performance and not on what people are saying, which is that she's a danger to pedestrians and other drivers. All that matters is everyone is paying attention to her, whether that attention is negative or positive. I find it infuriating and have to take deep breaths and step away.

She's a danger to herself and to others but to her she is cute.

Methuen, I have the luxury of living 3 hours away and my father enjoys having control over her, which is a blessing I never expected. H and I moved closer to be in the same time zone so I could help out within limits but my father has stepped into this role with gusto. On the surface it is good for me but it's hard to watch that relationship because it's so dysfunctional.

There is less pressure on me than on you so I feel for you. I think I have also arrived at a specific place in my heart based on the violence my mother permitted at my expense. If she were suffering, I would of course help and try to do the right thing. However, if she is suffering and my brother of father intervenes in a way that strikes me as misguided, I will not advocate for her. A lifetime of being in this family has taught me to stay in my lane.

My husband is a physician and I've instructed him to not get involved because they mistreat him and take advantage of him. They never thank him and quote Google back to him like they know more based on a 10 minute search. He has done things for my mother only to have her turn around and tell him he's the reason her hair is falling out after he recommended talking to one of her specialists about a medication that might have fewer side effects than one she was complaining about. My husband explained hair loss is a side effect listed on an untold number of medications and usually what causes hair loss is natural aging processes. She continues to blame him. I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate this.

Apologies for the digression  .

What I am wondering is whether there are ways you can enlist your long-time family friends to your cause in a way that subverts the social mores placed on you. Since health care is a mess there and others are aware of the system-wide problems, what would happen if you asked them what they might suggest would work when you take your next trip? Can they help assist you in creating social pressure to get your mother in step with your very reasonable plans? I'm thinking specifically about the 3-week trip so that you have less stress even before you go. Would your mother enjoy that kind of attention if it comes from friends?

When my mother was talking about driving again (waiting for the one year driving ban mark to pass), I talked to several of her friends' about whether they had gone through the driving test in their 80s. It was under the guise of being curious, and comparing it to the way things work where I live. It opened up discussion about my mother's incompetence as a driver and strong opinions that she should not drive even if she passed, plus complaints about how anyone can get a license, and how my mother's seizures have worsened and it's a matter of time before she has another. All her friends know about the golf cart incident and while no one mentioned it directly, it was clear what they meant when they said things like, "Next time it might not be a broken bone."

My father mentioned a few weeks ago that several of her friends offered to help with driving. He said they worry about her on the road, and he was uncertain why they are offering to help now after he's been driving her around for a year. I suspect it's because I talked to them but there's no trace. It could be they just worry (about their own safety on the road if she's driving).

As I write this, I feel like it's too simple  I know these situations are so complex and the details matter. Sometimes people suggest things and it makes me feel frustrated because what I really want is for the whole problem to go away. I hope you can find some relief in the next months as you prepare for this next wonderful trip. I try to stay optimistic and hope for unexpected good things to happen, too.

Maybe your mother will find a boyfriend who can take her off your hands 

[TelHill]

All her friends know about the golf cart incident and while no one mentioned it directly, it was clear what they meant when they said things like, "Next time it might not be a broken bone."

Thanks livednlearned for your post. It's amazing how messed up our families are although it's one person with BPD. My dBPD mom was given a short leash by dad - no work outside the home and no driving. Mom is physically aggressive and would have been arrested if allowed off the leash.

The point about it being worse did happen to my mother. She had poor balance and refused to undergo Physical Therapy to help regain balance. She walked where she wanted at any time. During the last six years she broke her shoulder, her hip, her lower leg, her collarbone and her foot. She still walked where she wanted to and fell many times despite warnings and all these bone breaks.  I went to doctor appointments with her and never sugar coated her physical issues. We watched her, forced her to use a walker, chided her after each fall.

She broke her other hip this March and this  did her in almost. She is alive but can't walk unattended in the house. She cannot go outside any longer.  She doesn't try because she knows she will die the next time. She didn't have to be disabled but she needed her freedom to do as she pleased.

Maybe your mother will find a boyfriend who can take her off your hands 

Plenty of potential boyfriends with diminished cognitive abilities who may not notice her problems. Seriously, as lnl says there are ways to maneuver your ability to go on a vacation.  For me, good girl training has been entrenched in my marrow. It's taken me years to break off small pieces of it.  With each piece gone the path ahead is clearer. Don't know if that's true for you, Methuen. Maybe not, but it might be helpful for those reading who don't post.

[Tangled mangled]

The Good girl training

[TelHill]

I realized a few years ago that the Good Girl Police didn't exist. It sure felt like it.  I couldn't see it earlier because of the FOG.

[Tangled mangled]

I realized a few years ago that the Good Girl Police didn't exist. It sure felt like it.  I couldn't see it earlier because of the FOG.

My mum is the good girl police though.

In my experience, the good girl training was more like how to be a good scapegoat— take the abuse quietly.

I typed a whole response previously, that got deleted by my phone.

[Notwendy]

I realized a few years ago that the Good Girl Police didn't exist. It sure felt like it.  I couldn't see it earlier because of the FOG.

My mother even uses the term "good girl". Good girl training is being a good scapegoat and also doing things for her and being good- obeying. She expects obedience. If she asks you to do something, it needs to be done immediately.

Transgressions of any kind- not obeying, leaving a toy out, could be considered as if they were the crime of the century. If my mother compliments me, I cringe- as her mood could change in an instant.