Just another annoyance contributing to the death by a thousand cuts

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Mom by text: call me when you can

Me: Hi

Mom: _____ (her niece) and _____ are getting a divorce.  ______ (her toxic sister who lives with them) said "Don't tell anyone", but now I'm telling you.

Me (annoyed): Why are you telling me if it's a secret? I don't need to know this.

Mom: Because ______ (sister) told me, so now you know.

Me (more annoyed): I don't need to know this.

Mom: OK well that's all I wanted to say. Bye

I hate SOOOOOO many things about BPD.  I abhor the rages.  I pity the lack of self.  I hate her dependence.  I pity her pathetically poor choices in life.  And I hate the way she raised me to be her "caretaker".  And I hate even more that I was sucked into this role for most of my life before my "awakening" finally happened.  And I hate the DUMPING.  And this was a dump. And the gaslighting.  I just hate her dysfunction - all one million levels of intensity of it.

On the surface, this brief telephone call wasn't a big deal.  But I just HATE the dumping.  HATE it.  It's just another cut in the "death by a thousand cuts" method of torture.

I could tell her not to do this again.  "Don't call me to tell me any gossip. It's not my business and I don't want to hear it.  Call someone else if you need someone to tell." And then I will get a rage about what a terrible daughter I am, and how I always make her feel bad. 

I am practicing my breathing.

I don't want to be her daughter anymore. 

[Methuen]

Mom by text: call me when you can

Me: Hi

Mom: _____ (her niece) and _____ are getting a divorce.  ______ (her toxic sister who lives with them) said "Don't tell anyone", but now I'm telling you.

Me (annoyed): Why are you telling me if it's a secret? I don't need to know this.

Mom: Because ______ (sister) told me, so now you know.

Me (more annoyed): I don't need to know this.

Mom: OK well that's all I wanted to say. Bye

I hate SOOOOOO many things about BPD.  I abhor the rages.  I pity the lack of self.  I hate her dependence.  I pity her pathetically poor choices in life.  And I hate the way she raised me to be her "caretaker".  And I hate even more that I was sucked into this role for most of my life before my "awakening" finally happened.  And I hate the DUMPING.  And this was a dump. And the gaslighting.  I just hate her dysfunction - all one million levels of intensity of it.

On the surface, this brief telephone call wasn't a big deal.  But I just HATE the dumping.  HATE it.  It's just another cut in the "death by a thousand cuts" method of torture.

I could tell her not to do this again.  "Don't call me to tell me any gossip. It's not my business and I don't want to hear it.  Call someone else if you need someone to tell." And then I will get a rage about what a terrible daughter I am, and how I always make her feel bad. 

I am practicing my breathing.

I don't want to be her daughter anymore. 

[Teach21]

I am so sorry. I totally get the feeling of not wanting to be her daughter anymore. It's been a hard and long road. I hate it too.  I just want a "mom" and have never had one.

[Notwendy]

Yes, the dumping- I feel the spidery sense when this happens- and it's can be in an otherwise regular conversation. Some of it may not even be true.

The other is to dump responsibility. There's been the concern over her spending her savings too quickly. One of her family members recently discussed it with her. So she calls me up to ask me what should she do? acting as if she has if she has no clue what she's doing- but she's the one making decisions. That's a form of gaslighting.

I am so used to being in the caretaker role, that I would go into giving her suggestions - for which she'd find some reason they can't work for her. Then, she remains blameless for the outcome.

This time, I just said "I don't know, it's your money, what do you think you should do?"

The other thing she is doing now is purposely acting confused. She also has had times of being confused that appeared real but I am not sure as she will act intact with her caregivers and then confused when talking to me. She will start the conversation entirely intact and if the conversation gets to details that she needs to understand- she tunes out, or hangs up. But a recent one wasn't believable. I mentioned this weekend was a holiday and she acted like she didn't understand me.

Holiday?
Yes, Mom, Easter.
What?
Easter Mom, Easter
Easter what? I don't understand?

And I fall into reminding her what Easter is and realize then, she has gotten me into caretaker, explainer mode, and she knows quite well what and when Easter is.

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother does the "secret" thing too. Takes someone aside- to tell them something and then "don't tell anyone".

Or this one- tells someone something about me and then says "don't tell NW". She's even tried this with my husband! He tries to avoid this but if she does it- he tells me.

[zachira]

Sounds like your mother likes to share other people's bad news so she does not have to deal with how terrible she feels inside. There is a limit to how much we can listen to the projections knowing what they are about. I used to listen to my mother talk badly about others hoping it would help her, and she did not care about any of these people nor appreciate my listening. It only led to more frustration and sorrow on my part knowing that there would never really be a heart to heart connection with my mother.

[TelHill]

I hate this stuff with a passion. It usually led to her using my knowledge of this tidbit against me to smear my reputation with other family members. She's bedridden and forgetful. If anyone says anything, it doesn't register now thank god!

My sibling and other family members do this too.  It's easier to look disinterested and do LC with them.

I have another relative who is a malingerer with whom I have to share an inheritance. Their antics are so annoying (how many heart attacks and strokes can you have and still look unaffected by them?).  They use it for sympathy and to make me look like a banshee for questioning them. Then, when they do something questionable with the inheritance, I get blamed for overreacting. I lose out. It's maddening!

I've decided not to say anything to them. It'll be really painful to train myself to do this as this person I consider a thief goes on.

 There are ways for me to handle inheritance "issues" without speaking to them or anyone else about it. It really helps to vent in a safe place like this.

[TelHill]

Part 2, Methuen, major holidays don't help. It reminds me of the loss we had growing up with a parent with BPD. I think of all the wonderful parents who exist out there and how  I never got that. It makes the pain more acute for me. Will be glad when the Easter Bunny hops away on Monday.

[Methuen]

Sounds like your mother likes to share other people's bad news so she does not have to deal with how terrible she feels inside.

Yes, this was it exactly.  There is a very thick backstory to the triggering conversation yesterday which prompted my post at the top of the thread.  When mom was 14 her mother died, leaving her with a terribly sick minded and abusive father.  Her older sister (the one who called her yesterday to tell her about the daughters divorce) took her in so mom wouldn't have to live with the father.  They (both teenagers) survived on crackers and cheese because they had no money and didn't know how to cook.  They shared a twin bed and lived in a closet somewhere.  There wasn't even a real kitchen.

This sister of hers (probably crazier than she is) has been living with her daughter for 1-2 decades (after her husband died).  Major caretaking and enmeshment going on there.  All these years later, daughter and husband getting a divorce.  Hmmmm. 

Mom's sister put the guilt trip on mom that she "took her in" when mom was a teenager, and now "mom should take her in".  I presume there is uncertainty about where she will live now that daughters marriage is falling apart.  Things haven't always gone well with having her live with them, as you can imagine. Mom's sister is in her 90's, and SOOOOOO toxic.  She told my mom "I should have moved to ______" (our home town where mom and I live).

Mom told her no.  TG.  The last time her sister visited (about 10 years ago), she stayed at mom's house and drove her crazy.  Basically, she treated mom the same ways our moms have treated us.  That didn't work for mom.  Go figure.

So when the sister called mom yesterday and dumped all this on mom, mom had to turn around and dump those feelings on me.  A "real mother" wouldn't do this.  I've witnessed how other families work. 

I am just sick and tired of feeling USED.  USED to meet her needs.  USED as a repository for her bad feelings.  USED as a slave.  And when I set boundaries, GASLIGHTED.  Basically, we are just chattel or "tools" to be used to meet our mothers needs.  Mom is 88 and refuses any form of home care.  We have instituted FIRM boundaries over the past two years, and in a lot of ways, she has adjusted and found people pleasers to do all the "caretaking" that we used to do.  In a lot of ways, the strategies I've learned on this site and from T are working well.  But  there are many ways they don't because there is too much unresolved history and the manipulation and abuse will continue as long as she lives.  And I, will have to keep managing it. The medical system does not recognize or support dysfunctional family systems.  And that is a really really major flaw.

When I had this very visceral reaction to yesterday's relatively minor dump, I realized just how much work I still have to do on myself.  I feel like smashing something.

I hate this stuff with a passion.

Thanks to everyone who responded. It really helps to know that other people relate.  It's such a lonely place to be when no one "gets it".

I have another relative who is a malingerer with whom I have to share an inheritance. Their antics are so annoying (how many heart attacks and strokes can you have and still look unaffected by them?).  They use it for sympathy and to make me look like a banshee for questioning them.

This describes my mom (malingerer part).  Mom has so many serious and chronic health issues (physical and mental), that I cannot comprehend how the geriatrician sees her as able to live "independently".  The burden this places on family is inhumane.  I paid her house insurance last week, but I didn't even bother to read the policy first.  I just paid it.  The jobs for us to keep her in  her house are endless, even if they don't require direct contact.  She doesn't even open her mail anymore.  She just hands it to us to deal with.

Part 2, Methuen, major holidays don't help. It reminds me of the loss we had growing up with a parent with BPD. I think of all the wonderful parents who exist out there and how  I never got that. It makes the pain more acute for me. Will be glad when the Easter Bunny hops away on Monday.

The best part of major holidays for me is the distance.  It's the only time I feel safe and happy and not on edge.  I like to go camping "out of service".  That lets me recover from the drama of "leaving her to go on holiday". This summer we plan to be gone for a month.  It's just so exhilarating and freeing to not even be in the same town as her.  But you are right Telhill, the first day back, after the first interaction, is like we were never gone. And the resentment is back full force. 

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Methuen]

She's getting picked up and brought over tomorrow morning for Easter breakfast. I'm just dreading it.

[Notwendy]

She's getting picked up and brought over tomorrow morning for Easter breakfast. I'm just dreading it.

Oh gosh Methuen- Sending you hugs!

[zachira]

I hope Easter with your mom goes better than you expect, and she will not stay long at your house.
You say you still have a lot of work to do on yourself. I respect you for all you have done so far and how you are dealing with what is an impossible ongoing situation with your mother. What might help is to talk with your therapist about the underlying feelings you feel. Doing this has helped me to get in touch with my sadness and grieve, cry deeply,  instead of feeling angry and lost.

[TelHill]

. What might help is to talk with your therapist about the underlying feelings you feel. Doing this has helped me to get in touch with my sadness and grieve, cry deeply,  instead of feeling angry and lost.

Am sorry you have to spend a holiday this way. Sending good thoughts your way, Methuen.

I've found what Zachira says to be profoundly healing. I numbed through the pain to keep going with my life all my life. I had periods of high productivity with bouts of confusion and free floating distress in between.

CoDA has been helpful in that vein. Hearing the stories of others with an abusive past, many starting with their FOO, has made it safer to reach deep down inside to express the utter agony. I don't know why but am not complaining. I haven't cried like that in 40 years.

[Notwendy]

So when the sister called mom yesterday and dumped all this on mom, mom had to turn around and dump those feelings on me.  A "real mother" wouldn't do this.  I've witnessed how other families work. 

I am just sick and tired of feeling USED.  USED to meet her needs.  USED as a repository for her bad feelings.  USED as a slave.  And when I set boundaries, GASLIGHTED.  Basically, we are just chattel or "tools" to be used to meet our mothers needs.  Mom is 88 and refuses any form of home care.  We have instituted FIRM boundaries over the past two years, and in a lot of ways, she has adjusted and found people pleasers to do all the "caretaking" that we used to do.  In a lot of ways, the strategies I've learned on this site and from T are working well.  But  there are many ways they don't because there is too much unresolved history and the manipulation and abuse will continue as long as she lives.  And I, will have to keep managing it. The medical system does not recognize or support dysfunctional family systems.  And that is a really really major flaw.

When I had this very visceral reaction to yesterday's relatively minor dump, I realized just how much work I still have to do on myself.  I feel like smashing something.
 Thanks to everyone who responded. It really helps to know that other people relate.  It's such a lonely place to be when no one "gets it".
This describes my mom (malingerer part).  Mom has so many serious and chronic health issues (physical and mental), that I cannot comprehend how the geriatrician sees her as able to live "independently".  The burden this places on family is inhumane.  I paid her house insurance last week, but I didn't even bother to read the policy first.  I just paid it.  The jobs for us to keep her in  her house are endless, even if they don't require direct contact.  She doesn't even open her mail anymore.  She just hands it to us to deal with

Methen, I understand. BPD mother "uses" me too- I am just a tool for her too. While I do have distance- and she's in assisted living, and it is better for her, in many ways, it's been a fail. Help is available to her but she rejects it. The staff still does the basis jobs for her- like check her vitals and medication, I think she's been demanding and verbally abusive to them, so they probably don't want to be more attentive to her than they have to.

While she rejects the staff, she prefers to hire her own personal help- at a huge expense. With her reckless spending, she's spent almost all her savings and proceeds from the house. She does have some monthly income that covers most of her basic costs but almost no savings left and no property.

She isn't cooperative with the Hospice nurse either. The nurse still does her job but is matter of fact with her. The nurse will come by with an aide to help her bathe, and my mother will refuse, saying she just doesn't feel like it.

And still- I don't know how she's legally competent but she is. Our concern about this was to protect her savings- for her needs but it doesn't matter anymore. It's gone, there is nothing to protect and with her need for control, trying to do so would be futile. Thankfully, she does have monthly income that covers a lot of her essentials but I am keeping a watch on expenses that can not be allowed to lapse to be sure she doesn't let them. I speak to someone almost daily about her medical care, and to her almost daily to be kept informed of what is going on with her. She also continues to be manipulative with me, and it is confirmed that she "acts confused" on the phone with me but isn't that way with others but sometimes she actually is confused.

We hoped it would help to get her into assisted living but I also I wonder if it's made any difference. We got her out of the house before the bank forced her out, so she'd have had to go somewhere anyway, but it hasn't made much difference for her financially and also her BPD behaviors have made it difficult for the staff to assist her. It is better that there isn't a property to maintain and there is supervision available, but it hasn't been a better experience for her in terms of her own feelings and thinking. I guess it's because an external change doesn't change her thinking or her behavior.

[Notwendy]

BPD mother might still be in her own home if she didn't take out a home equity loan on it ( and not tell anyone) and spend half the equity in it.

I'm sharing my story because, we had hopes for assisted living but it's not been what we hoped for for BPD mother. It's not due to the assisted living. I have met some of the residents there- and see them sitting together in the lounge area or on the front porch. There are social activities and the residents have even invited me to them when I speak to them.

BPD mother has not left her room except to go to doctor appointments since she moved in. She won't go to the dining hall and has meals sent to her room. She isn't depressed- she just refuses. Part of this is control and also because, I don't think she can maintain a social relationship. She did socialize more before Covid.

This is a nice assisted living. It looks like an apartment building and residents can have their own appartments which she has. Assisted living is a social construct- meant to allow seniors to have friends and activities and be as independent as possible. Emotionally, she isn't independent.

There is a higher level of care there but this is for people with dementia and she doesn't fit that either. There isn't a care situation for people with her emotional condition. Her care needs could be met in a nursing home but she also isn't in the physical condition of most people there. So, she's with the more independent adults but she isn't an emotionally independent adult.

Since she won't leave her room anyway, it may be that she'd be better off in a room in the memory unit with more supervision. Regardless, as long as she's self directed, she won't do anything different until she isn't able to meet the cost of the apartment she is in now. Then the assisted living will move her to a more affordable one.

My guess, Methuen- is that if your mother was deemed unable to stay in her own home and forced into assisted living, she may continue to behave as she does. BPD mother was "forced" out of her home by her own financial decisions- but the result is similar as she didn't voluntarily move into assisted living, and so, has been oppositional to the services and amenities offered there.

[Tangled mangled]

Methuen,
I signed in just to give you a virtual hug and to validate your feelings about what’s happened.

My first thought when I read your post was what will happen if you didn’t call back? This disease we have as caretakers seems to respond to the prevention is better than cure approach.
I know in your case, your mum is elderly and dependent on you so “a call me back “ message could be essential to her wellbeing. But I can see a million ways she could employ this as a weapon, which is the death by a million cuts.

After all the decades of you putting up with her abuse, it’s okay for you to ignore her requests and give her space to rage. I can imagine if she rages on her own then the harm to yourself is limited as you won’t be present.
Just my 2 cents but I believe you and you are within your rights to hate everything about this illness

[CC43]

Metheun,

I understand the mix of feelings of resentment, rage, fatigue, frustration and pervasive annoyance.  Whenever the person with BPD in my life is around, or a text message arrives, or the phone rings at an odd hour, my body tenses, and dread sets in.  I hate feeling such a visceral reaction to something that hasn't even happened yet, but I've been trained that when it comes to BPD, there's typically a crisis, an urgent request and/or abuse, so the physical reaction is an automatic one.  The crises tend to coincide with holidays (or any social event), when I'm getting ready to go on vacation, or whenever there is some sort of change or transition.  And then the resentment sets in:  why can't I just enjoy a nice holiday like a normal person?  Why is the pwBPD always seeking to be the center of negative attention?

Then I tell myself:  the person with BPD shouldn't occupy so much headspace.  She's acting out because of her decisions, not mine.  She's responsible for herself and her feelings, not me.  She can have her tantrum, and then she can go on her time out.  I'll actively try to push thoughts of her out of my mind, because I don't want her ugly aura to ruin my day.  That's easier said than done, but I keep trying.

As for treating caregivers poorly in old age, I think that's not unique to BPD.  The behavioral filters that we employ to be polite and courteous with others eventually wear away.  If someone is mean or selfish as an adult, then the meanness and selfishness are magnified in old age.  And a refusal is an exercise of control, because the old and infirm have lost most of their autonomy.  I saw this in my own parents, especially my dad.  At times he refused to eat, move or wash on schedule--he'll eventually do it, but only when HE decided he wanted to.  At times he threw food like a toddler.  I see this as a last-ditch effort to have a modicum of control and power over others, when someone feels so powerless otherwise.  I think that the caregivers of the elderly are accustomed to this sort of behavior, but because their relationship is more transactional than emotional, they don't get as disturbed by it.

I hope you can enjoy your Easter, or that at least you get through it without your mother having a meltdown!  Try to give yourself a little restorative "me" time later in the day.

[Notwendy]

As for treating caregivers poorly in old age, I think that's not unique to BPD.  The behavioral filters that we employ to be polite and courteous with others eventually wear away.  If someone is mean or selfish as an adult, then the meanness and selfishness are magnified in old age.  And a refusal is an exercise of control, because the old and infirm have lost most of their autonomy.  I saw this in my own parents, especially my dad.  At times he refused to eat, move or wash on schedule--he'll eventually do it, but only when HE decided he wanted to.  At times he threw food like a toddler.  I see this as a last-ditch effort to have a modicum of control and power over others, when someone feels so powerless otherwise.  I think that the caregivers of the elderly are accustomed to this sort of behavior, but because their relationship is more transactional than emotional, they don't get as disturbed by it.

I agree- I saw this with my father and in laws. It's not only with BPD but BPD adds to it. One of my mother's caregivers confided in me that she is the most challenging person she's worked with. I agree that caregivers are not as emotionally involved

A comparison for me is that, my MIL is generally a kind and caring person so when she snapped at me in her elder years, it was the exception to who I knew her to be. BPD mother has been verbally and emotionally abusive in general- so her behavior now is consistent with how it's always been, albeit more of it sometimes.

[TelHill]

Then I tell myself:  the person with BPD shouldn't occupy so much headspace.  She's acting out because of her decisions, not mine.  She's responsible for herself and her feelings, not me.  She can have her tantrum, and then she can go on her time out.  I'll actively try to push thoughts of her out of my mind, because I don't want her ugly aura to ruin my day.  That's easier said than done, but I keep trying.

CC43,

I ruminate more than is needed with situations where I was abused or someone tried to take advantage of me.  These were serious things. It's been interfering with my healing.

It's not  about bpd mother but others whom I mentioned in other posts here. I've been working actively to get these others (sibling, relatives, neighbors) out of my head to through being grateful for all that I have (counting my blessings) and keeping active with household maintenance and hobbies I enjoy. I've gone nc with these toxic clowns (VLC with my gossiping, destructive sibling).  I cannot fix the past. I can only try to stop them from hurting me in the present with my absence from their lives..

I choose to have contact with bpd mom and dad due to their advanced age. I'm not their ft caregiver, but my sibling is for basic needs on his schedule. My dad does most of the work. It has its ups and downs for me. I want to help more due to my sibling's manipulation of my father but then it's agoraphobia for me.

When I had this very visceral reaction to yesterday's relatively minor dump, I realized just how much work I still have to do on myself.  I feel like smashing something.

Methuen, I think it's human to react to your mom's (mis) behavior just like this. And sometimes it won't bother you. It's self-preservation in a difficult, highly emotional situation with mom and your aunt pulling on you for help while being less than grateful as usual.

[Methuen]

We survived the Easter breakfast. D27 (a physio) and SO transported her here.  They transport reluctantly because BPD mom has burned her bridge with them too many times.  They truly don't want much to do with her.  It's obligation only.

She said something stupid right before we started eating.  I looked at her, and looked away and started eating.  But I'm still thinking about what she said.  She twists things to make me feel bad. 

Two hours later H transported her back home.  I'm too scared/stressed/anxious to transport her. 

She has a birthday coming up in a few days.  Another obligation, and contact.  Instead of cooking the whole day we're going to do takeout at her house.

Every contact is painful.  I have to pretend that I'm ok, and I'm not.

[Methuen]

I live in an area where large forest fires are a reality.  So are evacuations of entire cities.  These mass evacuations have happened every summer in recent years. 

My worst nightmare is that we would have to evacuate. 

And I would have to evacuate her.

I reel after a few simple hours with her when I have supportive family around me to help. 

She lives "independently"  in her house.  She is as dependent as an average 10 year old, but with cognitive decline, lack of mobility, loss of sight and hearing, fall risk, Parkinson's...

I do not have the capacity to be responsible for her in a hotel for weeks or longer. 

It would finish me.

We have historic low water tables, tinder dry forests, and fires that are already re-igniting after winter.  This is not catastrophizing.  This is real.

Suggestions for what I could do if this were to happen?  Or what I should do prior?

[Notwendy]

Every contact is painful.  I have to pretend that I'm ok, and I'm not.

I understand that feeling. As to transporting her in a flood evacuation- due to her age and health, I think I'd call 911 if it were a possibility. I don't know what they'd do for people in assisted living and nursing homes if this happened but there must be some option for the elderly in your area.

[Notwendy]

I meant fire- what do they do for elderly people who need medical transport and assistance in case of fire evacuation?

[TelHill]

The forests further out in the SF Bay Area have been prone to these due to drought and old, overworked power lines.  Fires start and spread quickly. What you say makes sense.

These evacuations are precautionary rather than get out now if you have the ability to collect her. Is that what you mean?

Too bad she can't move to an area outside the fire zone. That would help. It's never what they want though. I know the obligation falls on you to look after her due to an evacuation.

Does your mother act up less in public? Can you research which hotels have amenities to distract her and choose one if you need to leave?  Hopefully she won't be as nasty in a cafe, restaurant, walk/pushed in a wheelchair in a public garden or shopping mall.

This may not be for you but have you looked into 12 step meetings to help you deal with her? I like CoDA to help deal with difficult people and situations. I attend religious services almost daily. CoDA seems to offer the same  common sense wisdom that my religion does but you don't have to believe in this or that.

[Turkish]

Sounds like your mother likes to share other people's bad news so she does not have to deal with how terrible she feels inside.

I think this is a lot of it. Looking back, my mother also told me a lot of things when I was a child that were inappropriate for my age.

When I was 13, we lived on a property in a camper with another family who lived in a bus on the other side of the property. They had propane, and it was a luxury to cook warm food (as opposed to eating out of cans). I made myself and the other kids a box of Mac and cheese. The other kids were 12 and 9. I accidentally dumped a pile of pepper into my bowl, ruining it no matter how much I scraped out. I told the others to dump theirs into a common bowl to dilute it, but it ruined the whole batch, and we were all out of Mac and cheese. I did feel a little badly, but at least those kids suffered with me. 

I wasn't BPD, just a jerky 13yo in that moment.

[TelHill]

Methuen,

I just thought is it possible to hire a nurse or caregiver to come to the hotel to help your mother should you guys have to evacuate? It would let you off the hook for a few hours a day.

There's no great solution to this.  I hope your area stays free of fire so you never have to evacuate.

[Notwendy]

I think this is a lot of it. Looking back, my mother also told me a lot of things when I was a child that were inappropriate for my age.

When I was 13, we lived on a property in a camper with another family who lived in a bus on the other side of the property. They had propane, and it was a luxury to cook warm food (as opposed to eating out of cans). I made myself and the other kids a box of Mac and cheese. The other kids were 12 and 9. I accidentally dumped a pile of pepper into my bowl, ruining it no matter how much I scraped out. I told the others to dump theirs into a common bowl to dilute it, but it ruined the whole batch, and we were all out of Mac and cheese. I did feel a little badly, but at least those kids suffered with me. 

I wasn't BPD, just a jerky 13yo in that moment.

I wonder if any of us look back at our teen years and approve of every thing we did. What comes to mind is that- even if you did "share the pepper" it wasn't in the category of behaviors that one considers delinquent or self destructive. "Jerky 13 year old" sounds about right. You wouldn't do it now, as an adult, because it's part of maturing.

I think some "normal" teen behavior can resemble BPD- the mood swings, the difficulty with self image as they evolve from children to adults. I think a difference is if the behavior is extreme- and also that teen agers mature out of it.

There's a quality to the emotional dumping that makes it different than just sharing news. I don't know how to quite describe it but there's a feeling- a yukky creepy feeling when this happens. It's the tone of voice and also choice of words. Someone getting a divorce- this can be just information but when it's "share this little secret- don't tell but....." it feels different.

[Tangled mangled]

I live in an area where large forest fires are a reality.  So are evacuations of entire cities.  These mass evacuations have happened every summer in recent years. 

My worst nightmare is that we would have to evacuate. 

And I would have to evacuate her.

I reel after a few simple hours with her when I have supportive family around me to help. 

She lives "independently"  in her house.  She is as dependent as an average 10 year old, but with cognitive decline, lack of mobility, loss of sight and hearing, fall risk, Parkinson's...

I do not have the capacity to be responsible for her in a hotel for weeks or longer. 

It would finish me.

We have historic low water tables, tinder dry forests, and fires that are already re-igniting after winter.  This is not catastrophizing.  This is real.

Suggestions for what I could do if this were to happen?  Or what I should do prior?

Are there temporary nursing facilities or care homes she could stay at for a few weeks.

In your area, there might be elderly people who have no relatives to care for them. Pretty sure they still receive care. Or possibly to look out of area in advance for her to go into care temporarily.
I work in healthcare, you can’t force relatives to provide care for the elderly. In your case, your mental health is on the line here. It might be worth looking into a temporary placement. dont let the FOG keep you trapped .
She will rage and fight it, but the question to ask is what would happen if you are unable to meet her needs?

[Tangled mangled]

Also if she has to stay at a hotel could you live at a different hotel - giving her physical distance?

[zachira]

We get it that every contact is painful and you are not okay. There comes a time when your nervous system can no longer tolerate the abuse because you are totally aware of the abuse. One of the biggest challenges when there is ongoing trauma and abuse  is to live in the moment and not ruminate about the past or worry about the future.

[livednlearned]

I wonder if this (evacuation concerns) might be part of the argument for placing her in assisted living.