shell shocked

[ALM]

I would love to find some support here by connecting to other parents of children with BPD. Our daughter is 40 years old and all of her adult life has been filled with drama, being a victim, irrational accusations against the people that love her the most, and at times substance abuse. But...she is also a delightful, fun, smart, kind and a dedicated mother. She doesn't rage over slights and petty perceived insults, it seems to be triggered by some imagined injustice or abuse.
We have had to bail her out many times. She has two children, one is autistic. She was separated from her husband who she told us committed heinous things against her and had him arrested. Long story short, she finally accused my husband of trying to kill her autistic son. She was in a rage over his 2 day long meltdowns and my husband was trying to help as he has done multiple times. They are very close and he has been the go to for the meltdowns. She was almost berserk with rage. It was a nightmare scene and she went to the most extreme conclusion. It was totally irrational, but she took him to the hospital and accused her father of choking, pushing, pulling, and hitting his beloved grandson. The fury of her rage was terrifying. Just that day we were the most wonderful parents in the world then we were a team of a murderer and his accomplice. She filed a police report and called DSS. She has a history of making wild accusations and calling the police on her husband, but this was the worst by far. Thankfully we were able to have the charge dropped because it was so obvious even from the photo that this did not happen but in her mind its the truth!
Since that nightmarish night 5 weeks ago, we have talked to several counselors
and read 3 books and we are positive she has BPD. We are just now catching our breath again since the court date last week. She and the kids still live in our garage apartment until the end of the month. The " abusive, cruel, serial rapist husband is back with her. Between her having to homeschool her 12 year old autistic son( she has done a wonderful job teaching him) and inability to cope with stress or regulate her emotions, she is unable to hold a job for long, though she is a hard worker and very bright.
As of now we are not to approach her or the children at her request. My heart is crushed because its like she and the kids have died but here they are, in my backyard. She has convinced the little one we are now mean and the autistic 12 year old I know misses his grandfather. Its a matter of time before she has a big explosion with her husband and will call the police again. We can't take her in again after this. We will NEVER trust her again. She did something similar to her sister, though not as extreme, but it terrified her.
My heart is crushed as we are trying to adapt to our new normal. We worry for the children. How will she ever get help? If she comes back what do we do? If it weren't for the children it would be so much easier. She is a wonderful mom most of the time, but its her instability and the her tendency to binge drink with her husband concerns me. The older child's father ( he has not been in the picture much because of being terrified of her too ) has called DSS to investigate her because of her instability and I think he may believe her story about my husband. DSS found nothing on us and believes the children are not in danger from their grandfather.
I just need help navigating these waters as the pieces of her troubled life seem to make sense as we learn about BPD. I still shake my head in disbelief that she could think the father that she adores and thought was the most ethical and kind man shes ever known could try to kill her son. And as for me, just that day I was her best friend and greatest grandmother ever and now I'm not worthy to be her mom or ever to talk to her kids again? My head is still spinning and its been 5 weeks.
Help, Please! It's so painful to try to navigate these dark and troubled waters and to accept that I have lost a daughter and two grandchildren. How do we create boundries when she comes crawling home? Thank you for any advice.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mr. Dake]

Wow!  This is so much and so overwhelming was my initial response.  I'm very new here myself.   My one thought was that I were in your position that I'd put boundaries in place to protect myself to not be in this position again.  The hard thing is that those boundaries could involve not having the relationship with your grandchildren which you desire which would be devastating to you and they are innocents in this.  Though new, I've already experienced that veterans of the group will weigh in with good counsel.  I'm sorry that you, and your family, are going through this.   

[Huat]

Hello ALM.

I echo Dake in saying...Wow!

While none of our stories are the same, there are similarities and a lot in what you write does resonate with me.

Our daughter is now 52.  Our grandchildren are now 27/29.  They have different fathers and there is much history of custody/support battles.

There have been so many periods of n/c (currently into 2 years this time) with our daughter and our grandchildren who she has convinced to take sides...her side.  We are living through the loss of our daughter...the loss of our only grandchildren, to whom we were surrogate parents through all the turmoil that surrounded their little lives.  Our grandchildren are not in contact with either of their fathers, nor those families...nor us.  I grieve for them.

In our case it is me (her Mom) who our daughter vilifies when she decides I am no longer her hero.  I have been accused of so many things and sometimes am thankful it is me...not her dad because he is of the opposite sex.  Scary what she could have conjured up there.

You write..."my heart is crushed."  Oh, do I know what you mean!  I feel for you being in this stage of life with your grandchildren still young, vulnerable, innocent and caught of the middle of something no child should have to go through.  Many times I have said that we were held hostage for so many years because of our grandchildren...always afraid that the time would come when we would be separated from them because of her anger.

Of course there are no answers that can be given to you here...but there is lots of that support you are looking for.  The thing that does happen is we help each other come up with whatever answers of our own.

I so urge you to keep posting.  Putting my fingers on the keyboard and pouring out my heart and my hurts has been so therapeutic for me...hope it will be the same for you.  Sometimes seeing your thoughts in writing helps to work out what you feel has to be done.  There is so much valuable information on this website with links to more.  There are so many helpful people here who can warn you of pitfalls, tell you what has and hasn't worked...for them.

I also urge you to seek out therapy for yourselves...someone who is a professional "sounding board."  This is going to be a long, rocky road and you need to prepare yourself as much as possible.  You need to become empowered to keep moving forward.

You hang in there, ALM, and from one grandmother to another...((HUGS).

Huat

[ALM]

This is ALM asking for some support in how to handle the painful situation with our adult daughter that we are 100% sure has BPD. My question this time is why do people with this illness have a tendency to make wild accusations? my daughter has called the police at least 5 times on her husband, once resulting in jail time. she even speculated that he could be poisoning  her. somehow she always end up being the victim that has been wronged. This truly is a pattern in her life. She is even raising money on a GO FUND ME page telling HER version of the truth which is totally distorted and no where near reality.
i hear that often BPD's rage and shortly afterwards a back to "normal". its been almost 2 months and she is still totally entrenched in her delusion that that her father flew into a fit of rage and tried to kill his beloved autistic grandson. In court she asked that he take anger management classes, though this is a man that never rages nor has ever abused anyone much less his 12 year old autistic grandson. Yet she rages about some supposed injustice or abuse. It doesn't happen daily, but enough that we have seen the pattern.
Anyway, any ideas on why there is such a high occurrence of making false accusations. Also has anyone else had your loved one cut off all ties because of a raging irrational accusation? Its been 2 months, how long have any of you been cut off like this? thanks..any support would be greatly appreciated. 

[mggt]

Hello we have been cutoff 3 times, first time 11 months second time 3 months and third time which is now has been for 4 months.  We have 2 gc which we adore and miss so much that it hurts.  Each time she has cut us off it has been all due to her bp .  Her allegations against us has been astonishing and extremely false  .  There is no dealing with her because we cannot have a normal conversation with us.  She does not live in reality . I hope that things will turn around for all of you.  Give her some time and take care of yourself  Sending hugs from one nana to another