Feeling emotionally alone, am I being taken advantage of?

[Dragon72]

My wife doesn't sleep in the same bed as me, she sleeps with our 2 year old toddler. 

They are asleep when I leave for work in the morning and I usually get back at around 6pm-7pm.

When I get back from work, my wife goes to another part of the house, to clean, to iron clothes or read on her own, leaving me with our son.  I love the time I spend with my son, but it's soon time for bed. 

At 7.45pm I take him upstairs to bed where my wife, who has already changed into her sleeping clothes takes him off me and proceeds to put him to sleep. She insists on doing this - it involves a prayer and I feel I should leave her to it as I am non-religious.

She then goes to sleep with him after his bedtime prayer and bottle of milk, leaving me alone downstairs all evening with no company.  Then I go to bed on my own alone in our bedroom and it's the same story the next day.

She has no job - apart from being a stay-at-home-mom, which I will grant is no picnic. But our son has 5 hours of nursery school a day, so it's not like she's chasing after a toddler while trying to cook/clean all day.  And our house is so small it's not so hard to keep in order.  She often complains/brags (I'm not sure which it is) about working so hard all day.

I find at the weekends too, she will go to a different part of the house to clean, nap, iron, leaving me with our son or, sending me to the market on my own to do the weekly shop or leaving me to do the cooking while she naps with our son. 

Now, I'm eager to play my part in the family chores and I especially love the cooking and playing with our son, but I just get the impression that my wife has zero interest in any emotional or physical intimacy at all.

Yesterday, she called me on the telephone from our son's bedroom where she was napping with him while I was cooking lunch downstairs.  She could have just stepped outside the bedroom door and talked at a low volume and I would have heard (our house is that small).  She called to ask me to go outside and take something out of the back of the car. 

So, while I'm resenting the fact that I have been reduced to a breadwinner/manservant with no emotional contact, I felt that this phone call was out of line. So I replied "You called me on the telephone, to tell me that?". She hasn't spoken to me since.

Any advice?

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[mimixxs]

yikes. that sounds lonely and also not great for your son to be the relationship substitute. try getting her to go out with you? make suggestions for activities you can all do together, even when its just a walk around the block. maybe talk to her about finding a job or volunteer? dont let her dictate the terms, you are just as much a part of the family as she and your son!

[Daniell85]

Has she been doing this the whole time since your child was born?

It does sound very lonely.   Frustrating, confusing.

Is it possible she has postpartum depression that hasn't been treated? What does she have to say about her distancing herself so much from you?

[Dragon72]

Thanks for the replies. 

We do do things together at weekends, but it's mostly focused on our son. 

There are always excuses she gives for not going out on dates.  Child is sick, she is sick, no money, no babysitter available.  On our wedding anniversary we arranged for our sister in law to look after our son and we went out to the movies.  Unfortunately we were both not talking to each other that day and the selection of movies that day was terrible.  Not a word was exchanged in all the time we were out.

She has been like this most of the time since our son was born but it seems to have gotten worse in the last year or so.  Or maybe my loneliness has been increasing to the point where I'm noticing it more acutely.

It's possible she has P-P depression.  She's the last person in the world who would ever admit to having a mental health issue and so a diagnosis is not likely to be forthcoming.

When I tried telling her how lonely I feel, she gets defensive and says how exhausted she is from all the housework she does for the family.  Then she goes on the attack about all the little things I'm guilty of (forgetting to pick up drycleaning, not putting out the trash etc.). 

This is all creating a climate in which I am reluctant to assert my needs and express my feelings.  And all that repression builds into resentment.  And that builds into a day like yesterday when I just walked out of the house at 8am and didn't come back till 8pm - by which time she was already in bed.  With our son.

[Dragon72]

So, I got back from work at 8pm yesterday as usual on a Wednesday and was surprised to see my son (2) and wife still up, as they usually both go to bed together at the same time at 7.30pm or so.

My son was right there by the door, so naturally I went straight to him, greeted and hugged him and spent 30 seconds or so with him before I went to my wife, said "Hi" and gave her a kiss on her cheek.

They both then went up to bed soon after.

20 or so minutes later, I am downstairs and I get a Whatsapp from my wife saying "Why didn't you let me know when you got home?". 

Sounds bizarre, I know.  Especially as I did greet her, very soon after entering the house.  However, she has in the past complained when, after I go to the store for something and come back, I don't shout "Honey I'm home" when I get back.  Fair enough, and now I try to do that except at times when I think I will wake her or our son by doing so.  But this time she clearly saw me enter the house and I greeted her there and then.

I had different options of how to react to the text.

1. Message her: "If you want to talk, I'm right here downstairs. I prefer not to talk by phone message."

2. Message her: "I did let you know I was back by saying Hi and giving you a kiss"

3. Ignore the message and just get on with my evening alone.

I chose #3.  Was that the right option?  What would have been better?

[Fian]

I think you need to know more about what she is thinking.  Instead of putting her on the defensive, why not ask something like, "It appears that you have been avoiding me for the past year.  Have I done something wrong?"  While it may not seem fair to take the blame, I think you are more likely to get an answer out of her.  From there, you may be able to segue into what you are missing from the relationship.

[Dragon72]

Yesterday was my wife's birthday and I did some nice things for her like let her sleep longer while I looked after our son and made her breakfast including her favorite juice.  She seemed to like the blouse I bought her but said it was a little on the small side so she wanted the receipt so she could take it back to the store and change it.

In the afternoon we went (the 3 of us) to her favorite restaurant and later we picked out a cake in the cake shop on the way home, which we ate shortly before taking our son up to bed.

My wife then went to bed with our son at 7.30pm and I was left on my own all evening. I feel really sad and lonely that she doesn't seem to want to spend any intimate time with me alone ever.

[Dragon72]

Today we seemed to be getting along fine.  I went to the market with our son without her to do the weekly shop.  I wish she would come with us as I have suggested. I'd love that to be a shared activity like so many other couples seem to do. But oh well.

After that we took our son to the park and then went to the mall where my wife returned the blouse I gave her for her birthday.  She didn't pick out a new one, but said she would like me to give her the cash so she can spend it on herself. 

Later at home, i cooked lunch which she said she enjoyed. Then after lunch I picked a few items of clothing from the clothes line that were dry, leaving the still damp things on the line. From this point on, my wife started the silent treatment. I had no idea why.

A couple of hours later, after I bathe our son, I collect the remaining clothes (mainly my wife's) and take them upstairs for sorting and folding.  My wife said angrily, "Leave those clothes, I'll bring them up later".  That made no sense as I had just brought them up.

"What's wrong?" I asked.  It seems my offense was that I had earlier taken down only my clothes and left hers on the line. 

I'm getting sick of being made to feel like dog muck even when I'm doing all I can to be husband of the year.  I should have validated, but I was just so darn annoyed.

[foggydew]

My uBPD person shares behaviour similarities with your wife. He has great difficulty communicating when he is sober, and prefers not to talk or even see people. He can be very hurtful in this phase. If he has had something to drink... just a little... he is friendly, talkative, seemingly normal. Too much, and he baits, is stupid, hurtful and unpleasant. Yesterday I came back after being away for a few days... .he greeted me, was obviously happy and touched to see me, but only communicated in grunts. I asked him if  he wanted to talk of preferred not to. He preferred not to. After sitting watching TV for a while, he began to thaw out and make comments, and be relatively friendly.

What I think is that he just can't cope with too much contact. Having to interact with people causes him a lot of stress and he would actually need medication to deal with this ... hence the drinking. Also self medication for depression.

Your wife sounds similar... basically she wants to be ok but has to work out what she can cope with. A two year old is very demanding too. Does she have contact with other young mothers? She does sound depressed.

But it must be soo difficult for you. Have you got any support? Have you a therapist? You certainly need someone to help you through this phase.

[gotbushels]

Hi Dragon72

It's pleasant to hear your progress with validating your wife.

To feel taken advantage of and emotionally alone at the same time is difficult to deal with.

Over time you might find it gets harder when we have the stimulus constantly in our households.

[... .]

I went to my wife, said "Hi" and gave her a kiss on her cheek.

[... .]

20 or so minutes later, I am downstairs and I get a Whatsapp from my wife saying "Why didn't you let me know when you got home?".  

[... .]

I had different options of how to react to the text.

1. Message her: "If you want to talk, I'm right here downstairs. I prefer not to talk by phone message."

2. Message her: "I did let you know I was back by saying Hi and giving you a kiss"

3. Ignore the message and just get on with my evening alone.

I chose #3.  Was that the right option?  What would have been better?

This is a bizarre set of events.

Part of a non's job sometimes is going through bizarre things.

Let's aim for grace.

Instead of reacting, can we respond?

What tools can you use?

Is there a 4th option?

---

Consider the big picture. You were disturbed by her using the telephone to speak to you in the house.

[... .]

So I replied "You called me on the telephone, to tell me that?". She hasn't spoken to me since.

Any advice?

Politely, this is what I see in your options.

1. Defence + counter-attack.

2. Counter-attack.

3. Denial.

Of those three options, two use a digital device. One is a denial of communication.

Firstly, you mentioned earlier such communication in the house is unpleasant to you.

Secondly, let's remember that these types of reactions to conflict are discouraged in relationships with a BP.

How would you feel if you were your wife?

Is it fair for us, regardless of BPD or otherwise, to expect a loving response if we enter an interaction in hostility or argumentation?

---

Yesterday was my wife's birthday and I did some nice things

[... .]

I feel really sad and lonely that she doesn't seem to want to spend any intimate time with me alone ever.

Let's try understand this.  

You were down and glum.

Your expectations weren't met.

When expectations aren't met, negativity tends to result.

This negativity has greater magnitude when we plan things and the plan doesn't go our way.

Understanding in many cases leads to empathy and practical action. Therefore, let's understand your wife and you.


What was your intention in doing those things for your wife on her birthday?

What was your expectation at the end of the day?

Reciprocity is an important human principle. It's often important relationships. Can we apply it here? Is the principle of reciprocity applicable in this case?

If so, what was given, what was expected, and why?

[Dragon72]

I think maybe I did look at the occasion as an opportunity for us to spend some quality time together.  By doing those things for her I though she may enjoy the attention and want to prolong it into the evening after bed. 

It had been a pretty happy day generally up until I realised that she was going to leave me alone in the evening again. 

I think I am so upset because I am grieving because I know she will never give me what I want: sympathy, validation and emotional intimacy.  I am struggling to come to terms with that.

And it seems the more I do to try to do the right thing, the more criticized, alienated and shut out I get. 

I'm so sick of this.