Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
May 02, 2024, 10:29:15 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books most popular with members
104
Stop Caretaking the
Borderline or the Narcassist
Stop Walking
on Eggshells
Journey from
Abandonment to Healing
The Search for Real Self
Unmasking Personality Disorders

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: dealing with intense feelings of guilt, selfishness  (Read 298 times)
thepixies21
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 81


« on: June 09, 2023, 02:23:50 PM »

I'm sure these feelings are probably part of the process and I'm hoping it will get better as time goes on. I'm not planning on backing out, I still thinking divorce is the right thing to do. But I am just dealing with intense guilt about what is going to happen when this occurs. I'm so scared he's going to hurt himself. I'm so scared of knowing just how painful this is going to be for him. He has no real family left that he can rely on. I know that I'm not supposed to feel responsible for these things and that I should be focusing on myself, but I can't help feeling like a failure. I feel like I'm letting down someone I wanted to protect and care for, and their life is worse because I was in it. I don't want him to suffer, and I never wanted to be the one who made him feel abandoned. I know he is an adult who is capable of taking care of himself, but emotionally I know he is going to be in so much pain. I feel selfish for wanting out today. It may not feel like it tomorrow, but right now that's where I'm at. I know for me this is rooted in a lot of my own fears of letting family members down and feeling responsible for their traumas. I took care of my mother until she died, and I remember feeling responsibility there, if only I had been more careful, if only I had cleaned more, maybe it would have been different. I already struggle so much with feeling like I'm a bad person, and I think in a way, this relationship and caring for him has been a bit of a selfish act. I took care of this person in a lot of ways because it made me feel good to do it, and it was a way to reassure myself, because bad people don't do this. Bad people don't stick it out with someone who has this much trauma. So if I stay here I'm not a bad person. I know this is super messed up and obviously not right, but I think in the emotional part of my brain I do believe this. I'm scared of having to face the parts of myself that I don't like, that I will hurt him by doing this, that I can sometimes do bad things even if the intent was to do good.

At the end of the day, I wish the best for him. I want him to be happy and to live a good life, because underneath the pain and trauma is a really wonderful person. But I think I also know deep down that I don't have anything left in me that will let me keep going here.
Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12750



« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2023, 03:24:49 PM »

My husband went no contact with his family when we met. The stories he told me were horrifying and I felt protective of him. What terrible people to do those horrible things to him. The only family he had was me.

When we divorced, he reunited with his family.

He attended family reunions, and birthday, and looked happy in photos posted online.

Maybe your husband will fall apart. He probably will, at least in the short term.

He might meet someone a week later.

My ex almost lost his job during our divorce. He ended up getting his dream job. He told me his family cut him out of the will and when his mother died, she left him half of everything.

Divorce is going to be hard on both of you.

It is strange to say this, but I almost miss how raw I felt. It was deeply real and very painful and exquisitely transformative. A window will open that lets you access parts of yourself that will eventually close.

Feel those feelings and learn how to breathe through them and accept them as part of yourself.

It was odd to discover that crying brings relief. Sometimes we get so good at avoiding pain we cut off other feelings too.

Hopefully this next part of your journey will bring much relief mixed in with the pain.

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
Logged

Breathe.
thepixies21
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 81


« Reply #2 on: June 10, 2023, 05:29:04 PM »

Livednlearned thanks for sharing that with me, it does give me some hope. Nothing would make me happier than for him to find stability and someone who can be there for him. I’m feeling a little better today, I think the wave of guilt is passing for now. II read online somewhere this quote about divorce, that went something like it’s better to feel the guilt now and leave than staying in a marriage where you can feel that you’re dying a slow death. I need to keep perspective that my mental health is suffering and I’m no good to anyone staying in something that makes me this unhappy.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!