I am passive agressive and it triggers my uBPDw

[5min]

So I am coming to terms with being passive aggressive and looking for answers. I think some of it is due to being angry with her and knowing I can not really talk to her. Or is that just blaming? I feel like anything I do is not good enough and will be responded to as such. Or am I making excuses for not trying? I avoid, procrastinate, and end up not doing anything for holidays which triggers her fear of abandonment and fear of not being loved. So, how do I get out of this passive aggressive loop?

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[valet]

Hey 5min, been there... .done that.

Usually this is a combination of both fear (of our partner's reaction) and deficits in healthy communication skills. If you're afraid of triggering your partner by asking for things, this relationship is always going to be one-sided. We can't necessarily 'control' our fear, but we don't have to let it dictate how we behave.

What do you think?

[Mutt]

Hi 5min,

Did something transpire today on Valentines? I think that what you might be trying to say is that it doesn’t matter if you try or not it’s not appreciated by your pwBPD?

[Tattered Heart]

HI 5min,

Great questions. It's always hard to look at ourselves. I like what valet says in that it may be a combination of both. Passive aggressive behavior comes from fear of saying anything to make waves but being angry about something that you aren't speaking up about. The way to combat that behavior in yourself is to muster up courage and say it.

And it can be really scary the first time you try to say what you've been feeling. You have to resist everything you've ever been taught about upsetting people and accept that what you are saying may be upsetting, but it's better for you to get it out because of the negative effect on you. The other person is responsible for their own reaction, and you are responsible for yours.

SET is a very good method for saying hard truths. Will you read through this workshop and then return here and practice how you could say something that you have been putting off saying?