contesting the dv order ,

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Got pushed into a reaction that involved the police.   Is funny we forgive their behavior yet punish us for the moment we fail.    How does this read to you? Do you think it explains BPD to the court

2\  since January 2012 we have lived as a monogamous couple. And around

March 2012 PARTNER shared with me that she suffers from Borderline

Personality Disorder(BPD), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD), and

NEuroSarcoidosis.  The BPD is what is behind our relationship

trouble, and can be best described as Emotional regulation disorder.

PARTNER explained how she will go thru episodes of

hatred rage or despair, and could lash out at me and at times would

not know why she will behave so.

, and how it would be important at these times for

me to ignore the words, and remind her that she is loved and wanted.

This is probably best described by a book title " I hate you, Don't leave me".

Despite my asking , PARTNER refused professional help, saying it to painful to face

up to it all, and the time she did try, fired her doctor cause she got angry

at him.

I have learned about these disorders from reading, talking to PARTNER her sister

other sufferers and their partners, professionals specializing in the disorder.

also websites like the american phycriactric assoitation, and bpdfamily.com are the best peer reviewed sites.  I have learned that in order to support PARTNER i needed to respond

to anything with compassion, validation, and encourage her to

communicate, and try t keep her mindful of her feelings. Feelings become

facts, and often to protect herself would go thru cognitive discordance

to fit a reality around her feelings. Would be defensive and withdrawn

until she shoved all her 'bad' and painful feelings back down.  I walk on

eggshells around PARTNER, worried i would trigger one of these emotional

landmines.

BPD is a complex and traumatic affliction. PARTNER has not dealt with

past traumas, rape abuses, abandonment fears, extreme jealousy, and protects

her wounded phyque in unhealthy ways.  her thinking is extremely

polarized( black\white, good\bad) , and it would trigger an episode

if she felt like she perceived  herself as bad or wrong, or imagine if another person thought badly of her.  many times an episode was triggered because  Of an imagined threat, yet the repercussions and her actions were still very real and explosive.

Often she runs and hides and pushes away, and often has apologized for using me as her emotional punching bag, and that she will try to behave better. Also she acts very impulsively, and has problems empathizing how her words and actions can affect others. Often will mind read the feelings of another's instead of asking them how they feel, and also expected me to intuit her mood at any time.


3\  PARTNER described our relationship as on off, i dispute this as i have maintained my commitment and devotion since we exchanged betrothal promises in May 2012.  Our relationship has been punctuated by a cycle of PARTNERs episodes however. Some of which end up with her running away and cutting contact for days, weeks or months.

Upon her return she would praise and thank me for my patience, understanding, and tenacity, and knowing she is loved still, She told our neighbors that she appreciated and loved me because. N.   "Ron's the only one that understands and puts up with all my".

Since June2012 i have seen a counselor and a physiologists for my own support and to make sure of my mental health and strength.  PARTNERs extreme jealousy, social anxiety meant that she was uncomfortable with my family or friends. and overtime it became easier for me to be isolated rather than trigger a reaction, i stopped attending parties, and gave up performing and teaching my loved hobby. Weekly PARTNER would read my social media, texts and emails, looking for any treats or perceived betrayals. also remind me of how others think she could do better than me, or how her family disposed me and her brother in law is always ready to beat me again.  She was also 'uncomfortable with me having any contact with her friends or workmates.

PARTNER stated in her testimony that we argued.  this is a misconception.  Because of PARTNERs black n white way of thinking she would perceive any disagreement as a argument or as me being unhappy. The intimacy issues she spoke of was me disagreeing that sex equals intimacy, as she thought that's just how guys are. When i said that a kiss, a cuddle on the couch, a returned massage is just as valid, she said " that's now how i think so you have to deal ."  

In regards to her feeling manipulated, she confessed to me in Feb 2013 that by simply asking for consent would confuse her and make her feel obligated. Since then i have just waited for @PARTNER to initiate any sexual play between us.  In writing this i now see how many compromises i have made in the last two years in order to keep PARTNER happy, and not  to trigger a reaction of her emotional disregualtion.

PARTNER views normal discussion and compromise as manipulation. there is no shades of grey in here minds

it was mostly good times we share many of the same likes , and most of the time it was great between us, and i was there to comfort and support her in her times of stress and worry. i learnt to deal with cognitive distortions, and we would take time every couple of weeks to talk of how to be more mindful, and other cognitive skills. I truly love her, and value her as my friend, even when she paints me black.  She can't empathize that i never held or hold any malice, and often has imagined that i would act in anger or violence after an episode because that's how she would react or because all men are like that.  that's probably almost the most difficult part of living and loving an emotionally dysregulated partner, is whether or not to defend yourself from her fears of stuff that are not true, but her fears tho imagined are just as real .

4\  :)uring past episodes (PARTNER describes this as when the toxic dragon is in control)

PARTNER reacted in a very impulsive, angry, extremely dysregulated way. a list of things she has done follows.  i have and always forgiven PARTNER, as know this is the BPD and PTSD.

_ Torn up our bed with a sword

_Wriiten abusive text over the walls

_taken n disposed of treasured belongings

_treatened to get me arrested unless i comply with her demands

_cut of communication, changed phones blocked me cause she was afraid i was angry

_watched while her brother in law violently beat me( requiring hospitalization) due to things she said when dysregulated

_ self harmed, usually by cutting , ( this happened about 20 times, she would not see a doctor as did not want to explain self harm or feel bad explaining it to a doctor, so i treated the cuts, even suturing the wounds)

_call me while out of it wanting to know i was near

_call me late at night with a box cutter to her neck, talking of suicide, and how it was only me and her sister keeping me alive

_speak very bad and abusive things about me publicly,

_speak to me with utter contempt, abuse rage

_expect me to be silent about what happens during an episode, consider it a betrayal if I did

_sneak away while i'm away from the home, and refuse to come home for weeks to two months.

_blame me for triggering her reaction, even if caused by another or stress

_expect me to calm her as it my job as a partner


there is more, but this an example of what can happen in an episode.







PART D: SIGNATURE

Sworn (or affirmed) by:

(insert full name)


on

(insert date)

18. aug 2014   


at

(insert place)

brisbane magistates court

in the presence of:

Person making affidavit to sign      Person taking affidavit to sign


Print name      Commissioner for declarations/

solicitor/justice of the peace.

[Harlequin]

Got pushed into a reaction that involved the police.   Is funny we forgive their behavior yet punish us for the moment we fail.    How does this read to you? Do you think it explains BPD to the court

2\  since January 2012 we have lived as a monogamous couple. And around

March 2012 PARTNER shared with me that she suffers from Borderline

Personality Disorder(BPD), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD), and

NEuroSarcoidosis.  The BPD is what is behind our relationship

trouble, and can be best described as Emotional regulation disorder.

PARTNER explained how she will go thru episodes of

hatred rage or despair, and could lash out at me and at times would

not know why she will behave so.

, and how it would be important at these times for

me to ignore the words, and remind her that she is loved and wanted.

This is probably best described by a book title " I hate you, Don't leave me".

Despite my asking , PARTNER refused professional help, saying it to painful to face

up to it all, and the time she did try, fired her doctor cause she got angry

at him.

I have learned about these disorders from reading, talking to PARTNER her sister

other sufferers and their partners, professionals specializing in the disorder.

also websites like the american phycriactric assoitation, and bpdfamily.com are the best peer reviewed sites.  I have learned that in order to support PARTNER i needed to respond

to anything with compassion, validation, and encourage her to

communicate, and try t keep her mindful of her feelings. Feelings become

facts, and often to protect herself would go thru cognitive discordance

to fit a reality around her feelings. Would be defensive and withdrawn

until she shoved all her 'bad' and painful feelings back down.  I walk on

eggshells around PARTNER, worried i would trigger one of these emotional

landmines.

BPD is a complex and traumatic affliction. PARTNER has not dealt with

past traumas, rape abuses, abandonment fears, extreme jealousy, and protects

her wounded phyque in unhealthy ways.  her thinking is extremely

polarized( black\white, good\bad) , and it would trigger an episode

if she felt like she perceived  herself as bad or wrong, or imagine if another person thought badly of her.  many times an episode was triggered because  Of an imagined threat, yet the repercussions and her actions were still very real and explosive.

Often she runs and hides and pushes away, and often has apologized for using me as her emotional punching bag, and that she will try to behave better. Also she acts very impulsively, and has problems empathizing how her words and actions can affect others. Often will mind read the feelings of another's instead of asking them how they feel, and also expected me to intuit her mood at any time.


3\  PARTNER described our relationship as on off, i dispute this as i have maintained my commitment and devotion since we exchanged betrothal promises in May 2012.  Our relationship has been punctuated by a cycle of PARTNERs episodes however. Some of which end up with her running away and cutting contact for days, weeks or months.

Upon her return she would praise and thank me for my patience, understanding, and tenacity, and knowing she is loved still, She told our neighbors that she appreciated and loved me because. N.   "Ron's the only one that understands and puts up with all my".

Since June2012 i have seen a counselor and a physiologists for my own support and to make sure of my mental health and strength.  PARTNERs extreme jealousy, social anxiety meant that she was uncomfortable with my family or friends. and overtime it became easier for me to be isolated rather than trigger a reaction, i stopped attending parties, and gave up performing and teaching my loved hobby. Weekly PARTNER would read my social media, texts and emails, looking for any treats or perceived betrayals. also remind me of how others think she could do better than me, or how her family disposed me and her brother in law is always ready to beat me again.  She was also 'uncomfortable with me having any contact with her friends or workmates.

PARTNER stated in her testimony that we argued.  this is a misconception.  Because of PARTNERs black n white way of thinking she would perceive any disagreement as a argument or as me being unhappy. The intimacy issues she spoke of was me disagreeing that sex equals intimacy, as she thought that's just how guys are. When i said that a kiss, a cuddle on the couch, a returned massage is just as valid, she said " that's now how i think so you have to deal ."  

In regards to her feeling manipulated, she confessed to me in Feb 2013 that by simply asking for consent would confuse her and make her feel obligated. Since then i have just waited for @PARTNER to initiate any sexual play between us.  In writing this i now see how many compromises i have made in the last two years in order to keep PARTNER happy, and not  to trigger a reaction of her emotional disregualtion.

PARTNER views normal discussion and compromise as manipulation. there is no shades of grey in here minds

it was mostly good times we share many of the same likes , and most of the time it was great between us, and i was there to comfort and support her in her times of stress and worry. i learnt to deal with cognitive distortions, and we would take time every couple of weeks to talk of how to be more mindful, and other cognitive skills. I truly love her, and value her as my friend, even when she paints me black.  She can't empathize that i never held or hold any malice, and often has imagined that i would act in anger or violence after an episode because that's how she would react or because all men are like that.  that's probably almost the most difficult part of living and loving an emotionally dysregulated partner, is whether or not to defend yourself from her fears of stuff that are not true, but her fears tho imagined are just as real .

4\  :)uring past episodes (PARTNER describes this as when the toxic dragon is in control)

PARTNER reacted in a very impulsive, angry, extremely dysregulated way. a list of things she has done follows.  i have and always forgiven PARTNER, as know this is the BPD and PTSD.

_ Torn up our bed with a sword

_Wriiten abusive text over the walls

_taken n disposed of treasured belongings

_treatened to get me arrested unless i comply with her demands

_cut of communication, changed phones blocked me cause she was afraid i was angry

_watched while her brother in law violently beat me( requiring hospitalization) due to things she said when dysregulated

_ self harmed, usually by cutting , ( this happened about 20 times, she would not see a doctor as did not want to explain self harm or feel bad explaining it to a doctor, so i treated the cuts, even suturing the wounds)

_call me while out of it wanting to know i was near

_call me late at night with a box cutter to her neck, talking of suicide, and how it was only me and her sister keeping me alive

_speak very bad and abusive things about me publicly,

_speak to me with utter contempt, abuse rage

_expect me to be silent about what happens during an episode, consider it a betrayal if I did

_sneak away while i'm away from the home, and refuse to come home for weeks to two months.

_blame me for triggering her reaction, even if caused by another or stress

_expect me to calm her as it my job as a partner


there is more, but this an example of what can happen in an episode.







PART D: SIGNATURE

Sworn (or affirmed) by:

(insert full name)


on

(insert date)

18. aug 2014   


at

(insert place)

brisbane magistates court

in the presence of:

Person making affidavit to sign      Person taking affidavit to sign


Print name      Commissioner for declarations/

solicitor/justice of the peace.

[Harlequin]

5\ During the weeks previous to 30 April, PARTNER was very stressed and worried. We slept behind locked bedroom doors as she was afraid  of people walking around the house, would wake me to check the doors and windows were locked. ironic she would mistake my waking up grumpiness as anger towards her.  She also failed to get Valium she used to regulate her stress, and was worried and concerned about work performance, and her mother having one of her turns.  also stressed from her father's health.  

She was also quite frustrated she could not install gps tracking software on my phone or tablet.

6\  On the 30 April 2014 at around six PARTNER come home from work. she was quite distressed about deadlines at work, and her mother being demanding. She bought wine on the way home and we had dinner and we drank 3 bottles of wine between us . she was drinking faster than usual, but not unlike other times she was stressed.

we talked of how t deal with criticism from work superiors and colleagues, about the inappropriate sexual harassment and improper gifts and advances from workmates.

i Gave her a massage to soothe her. And our conversation moved on to how to build up our fledgling business together and how to grow it. Also the ongoing discussion on the choice of a cat or dog as a pet, and PARTNERs love of the concept to have Elvis perform our wedding ceremony in our future.

At no point did she mention any of the worries she mentioned in her affidavit, either before during or after the episode, this is not surprising



7\  We went to bed around 11.30 where the following conversation occured. virtually word for word as the same one for the last couple of weeks.

ron" may i hold you tonight, even if just a short while?"

PARTNER" na i'm too hot, and i just dont wanna"

r" please babe, just hold my hand, i miss falling to sleep with you in my arms?"

a" i'm just too hot , and it like it burning if you touch me"

r" are you ok? It worries me with you curled up on the corner( of the bed) like that yet when i go you spread out , is anything wrong?"

a" just go to sleep, i'm ' fine'"

i left to read on the couch, as the light disturbs PARTNER, and she had so much trouble sleeping of late. I know she interpreted this as anger, but i just was not ready to sleep, and know my restlessness would disturb her.

8/ left to get smokes around 12.10am

there was texts from PARTNER i had not noticed, with her mention of the police and anger, i knew that things were not ' fine' at all

rang her t say i be home soon, i was lingering along the creek as i find it soothing, and i do find it pretty.

on the way home i realized that in partnery's eyes i probably looked like i left in anger and have triggered her abandonment fears. this was confirmed couple days later by her sister who said PARTNER was irate and suspected that i was at another woman's house.

9\ on returning home all the lights were on and PARTNER was pacing the kitchen with a packed bag, and a wild 'bug eyed' on her face.  bug eyed is a term we both use for when she is emotionally dysregulated, and angry.

" please talk to me babe, something upset you" and offered her a smoke

she then started striking my chest screaming abuse at me and demanded her keys

when i said your having an episode babe and said purple, which is our safe word she tried to jump over the balcony. i grabbed her upper left arm to stop her as it is a three meter drop to uneven ground.

she continued to to strike my chest and rave wildly, and try get by me. i grabbed her phone to remove a hard object from her hand.

pleaded with PARTNER with her to calm and to speak calmly.

i did push her to the couch, said you can't drive like this please calm and call a cab.

she the screamed like i was assaulting her, it was blood curdling. Without anger i did raise my voice to say your having an episode.

At no point did i strike PARTNER, attempt to harm her, and offered the most passive resistance i could to what seemed her most irrational an over the top behavior. With hindsight i feel as if PARTNER manufactured a scene to make me look bad.

At this time i was in as much shock, as i was concerned. PARTNER has done some wild, impulsive and dangerous things when in the middle of an episode in the past, a danger to myself and herself.

i was happy that there were others outside as her fears would calm her reactions

and also the police were there very quickly.

8\ i talked to the police constable a . about the events, but due to shock, tiredness, wine , worry and concern i had a difficult time trying to explain my position, but did try to answer his questions.

i complied with all his requests at all times and offered no resistance at any time.

9/ After a night in jail i returned home, slept and the next day contacted PARTNER and asked her plans.   she said she going to stay away for a couple of days to get her head together.

i said i was not willing to go thru another time apart, go thru the abuse and anger of another distortion campaign, and as per of our agreement of 2014 Jan that without PARTNER being in therapy for her conditions she not welcome home.

the next day she text me saying " i can't believe you're doing this to me !" and demanded her property     an hour later from then i have deduced she blocked me every way she could.

10\  over the next few days . received treats of violence from her family worse than past time, to return PARTNERs property and ignore any financial obligations PARTNER had

with this threat in mind i did put a message under her car wiper with an appeal to meet this request as i had no response from usual communication methods on how to solve the return of her boxes.

I have since found out that she is calling me a thief because I won't return her property , yet at no point has she tried to mediate a time to pick it up.

Either has she said to me the relationship is over, or that my trying is not welcome anymore, or that this episode is any different from the last.

I know PARTNER needs professional help, and I'm there to help and support her through it if she so chooses. And like so many other times I'm left in limbo knowing where I stand, yet worried about her safety and state of mind.  


11/   I choose to defend contest the police actions of a domestic violence order for these reasons

_ I agree the police acted correctly with what they could see , and they acted  professionally at all times. On the trip home from jail I asked how I should have reacted , should I have let her drive when disregulated and over the limit.  Their response was " I don't know either"

I know they could not see the the restraint I had or any of PARTNER's wild nature.  She very great at hiding it from anyone but her most dearest and intimate of people.

x_I have done everything I could to appease PARTNER,  even if the relationship is over she still needs the control or the illusion that she was right. Even in a disorders emotionally wild state of mind.  If she sees me in the street it could be accused of me stalking g her,  like the one note on her car, I was afraid of violent repercussions of not abiding her demands, yet had no avenue to do so.

_I never acted with any malice, anger or desire to harm PARTNER.  In fact I was acting to prevent any harm in an irrational situation.  

It does not matter if I win or lose this decision. I will treat PARTNER with the courtesy and respect due any person . let alone one I call friend and love.

As to the future, I have to stand by my position that there is none without PARTNER deciding to get professional advice. I have done everything I could to support and protect her, but I want a partner ,I can't keep protecting her from herself.

I realize this is long, and I appreciate your patience.


What you think?  Recon they will undertstand

[ForeverDad]

Sadly, even restraining a person of a female gender who is out of control can be interpreted as DV.  Especially if she wants to claim it is DV.

Regarding your legal issues, are you going to have to go to court about this?  Are charges automatically being pressed or does she get to decide whether to 'punish' you or not?  I may be a wise course to try to mollify her until the case is decided and in the past, then safely end the relationship.

Have you gotten legal advice?  I recall my lawyer telling me that his #1 duty to his clients was to sit on them to stop them from blabbing admissions.  If you admit to some of the above then the prosecutor might pick and choose the pieces to use against you.  Saying, "Yes, but... ." typically isn't wise either since the Yes can indicate admission of guilt and they don't have to listen to the rest.  At least, in my country.  The point is that you need legal advice.  I'm not in your country so some ideas and suggestions may or may not apply to you.

Do you have any witnesses of that incident that can testify that you were not the aggressor or the one out of control?  I see that you're trying to provide the background to the court but be aware the court may not care about the background and history of your years of sacrifices, just the incident itself.

If she's saying you won't give her property back, then why not return her things to her family, bringing witnesses with you that can testify you did it neatly, politely, without anger or spite.  Ask your lawyer if another option is to rent a storage unit, store her things there and let the lawyer inform her they're all there and provide the key.  In either case, take pictures or videos of the items so she can't claim you withheld anything.

Your lawyer can tell you whether your case might get dropped if you "make peace" with her.  If you have a case hanging over your head then now may not be the time to enforce boundaries on her that could keep her mad at you.  The relationship is dysfunctional and truly has no positive future with her continuing untreated.  So it would be just to get past this current legally exposed situation so you could end it at a later time.

Distance is safety, or at least safer than being in proximity.  The behaviors are more evident the closer you are.

As you can see, you've isolated yourself to cope with the demands of the relationship, this is not healthy.  Also, you've seen that you cannot fix her, perhaps emotionally neutral counselors, therapists or other professionals can help her but she has to want to do it.  Until now she's adamantly refused.  Accept it for what it is, a dysfunctional relationship that has now exposed you to major legal repercussions that may haunt you and your efforts to find work for life.

[Harlequin]

It is going to court, the police put the charge in on her behalf and then decided to contest it, the only witness is the neighbors who heard her screaming and me saying please calm your having an a episode.

Unfortunately as per usual she has blocked all contact and calls any attempt at conversation a harrasment, she is convinced that I'm going to be angry or vengeful like others in her past have been, or she imagines that I will be violent , as I'm sure  that she is remembering all the abuse and attacks she suffered in her past and is putting myt face on it again . I did send about 10 emails once the silent treatment stonewall started three days after the episode requesting a public and mediated meeting to organize stuff, and to ask her f it is like the past episodes or is different this time, as we all know the testing does get biggwer every time they disosociate . there is nothing but love compassion and requesting for knowlage or closure in those emails, and my lawywer says that it is unreasonable of her to say it is hjarrasment and estalking as she claims.

I would like nothing better than to sort of out, but the allegations have to be put thru cause of the laws here in qld Australia.  I going treat her the same no matter if I win or loose, and realize that I never get the closure I would like, and am so disappointed that its like this, feels like did done so much, and it all worthless now, feel bit stupid. 

Got a lot of healing and self forgiveness to go thru yet.  But sums so much that if I did any of the stuff she has done  over  n over I would be in jail for domestic abuse, yet the one time I couldn't requested use the situation  I get caned.  Don't think I ever understand why she keeps repeating this cycle, and keeps retreating to old hurts and fears rather than try to heal

[ForeverDad]

Don't think I ever understand why she keeps repeating this cycle, and keeps retreating to old hurts and fears rather than try to heal.

Sorry, but you can't understand it.  It's a subtle (and not so subtle) form of mental illness.  She not dysfunctional enough for her to be institutionalized but that doesn't mean her thinking and perceptions aren't skewed.  With BPD, this is especially the case in close relationships.  By definition mental illness doesn't make sense.  It can be described, categorized in textbooks, even predicted to a certain typical patterns, but it still doesn't make sense to a reasonably normal person.

However, court is unlikely to try to change her.  It will deal with her the way she is.  (Don't try to Play Doctor and bring up BPD unless you know she's been diagnosed.  Courts generally avoid medical diagnoses and stick to behaviors and behavior patterns.  For those whose spouses are not diagnosed, it is usually best to describe the behaviors and patterns, following the example of the courts.)

Just remember, if she or the prosecutor wants to make you accept a plea deal, understand that plea deals generally mean stating you are guilty but to a lesser offense.  So don't lie to the court "just to get it over with", you would likely regret it in the years to come.  If you agree to plead guilty and do a plea deal then you can't appeal it and it may stick with you for many years, possibly limiting your ability to get some types of work.  Even if you tried to protect her (or you) from herself, do not agree that is DV.  Let's hope the court listens to the police update, the neighbor and the history and dismisses the case.  You're right, if the relationship is years-long then you can state that the relationship is a long term one and you have a stable history.

Has she had prior police involvement, perhaps with her prior BFs?  Try to research looking for other cases she may have had with her prior BFs.  If you've had no prior legal problems and she has been in court before, then you can list her prior cases in court and explain that she has a pattern of claiming abuser BFs.  Either she has a terrible track record for choosing BFs or she is the problem.  (At the very least you can have the case 'continued' to another hearing date if the case isn't dropped then.)

It might be wise, with solicitor's input, to tell the court you'll be winding down the relationship, one thing they don't want is to see you back again.  They aren't as likely to be helpful if you keep returning to a high conflict relationship and you two become "revolving door" or repeat litigants.

Meanwhile do NOT contact her until the case is resolved.  Even if you're not harassing her, if she feels/claims it is harassment then the court may take it very seriously.  In other words, if she says No, then No it is.  Better safe than sorry.