I crossed the fine line

[twojaybirds]

About a month ago I broke my “you have to be in counseling to live here” rule because my dd was trying to  get out of an abusive situation and couldn’t do it on her own.

Over the last month, while on summer break from college, she has ascertained two jobs; one at a summer camp and one as a lifeguard at a YMCA.  Her ‘stuff’ is thrown all over the garage and she sleeps between the garage and on the couch.  She does not want to sleep in the spare room where her bed and dresser are.  She cannot be home alone and spare rooms are locked when she is home.  I offer to cook for her and invite her to meals or she cooks for herself. We have had some pleasant conversations even.

She has been ‘huslting” back and forth from these jobs walking and on bus whining about needing a car.  (Although seems she lost one of the jobs this week) So, last  weekend my bf and I found a good used car and put up the money.  Like a bank, I am the owner yet it is registered to her.  She can pay me back if she wants to own it outright.  I told her I would cover her insurance for one month while she looked for insurance.  Lo and behold, she cannot recover her license.  I think she lied about getting a license.  Yikes  now the car sits out front, no one driving it and I really didn’t have the money especially for something that is not being used.

Last night my bf and I picked her up from work.  I made dinner for them and offered him the leftovers for lunch.  She had a fit “I have a job too”  “Yup and the last 2 lunches I made for you sat in the refgrig.  You never took them.  Feel free to make yourself lunch.  You know you are welcome to any food in the house.”

She complained about me not caring and I calmly said that of course I care and she is an adult, 19 so I don’t have to have her here at all but I welcome her and support her, bought her a car, bought her favorite foods, watch her TV shows with her, spend time alone with her…

“You don’t support me with anything.  All my friends have families who care.”

“All your friends probably did not steal $15,000 from their mother along with all her jewelry.”

I said it calmly, matter of factly, although I know she probably did not hear it that way.

Her fb reflected me as ”parents are only egg donors.”

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Vivgood]

FWIW, I think you did a great job "crossing the line" by letting her move back in partially, with boundaries. It was a healthy appropriate response to a changed situation. I took note of your methods and am saving them in my repetoire


On the car, mmmm, not so much. Not that i don't totally get it! My DD23's car is owned and insured by us. I'd sell the thing and send myself to Red Door if she lost her licence.

Last night my bf and I picked her up from work.  I made dinner for them and offered him the leftovers for lunch.  She had a fit “I have a job too”  “Yup. and the last 2 lunches I made for you sat in the refgrig.  You never took them.  Feel free to make yourself lunch or if you ask me I am happy to make you a sandwich.  You know you are welcome to any food in the house.”

She complained about me not caring and I calmly said that of course I care and I respect that she is an adult, 19 so I don’t have to have her here at all but I welcome her and support her,thats why I bought her a car, bought her favorite foods, watch her TV shows with her, spend time alone with her…


“All your friends probably did not steal $15,000 from their mother along with all her jewelry.”

I said it calmly, matter of factly, although I know she probably did not hear it that way.



“You don’t support me with anything.  All my friends have families who care.”

I'm so sorry it feels that way honey. It must feel scary and terrible to lose your job and be broke and afraid you won't survive. My intention is to support as much as possible in a way that allows you to make your own choices.

Her fb reflected me as ”parents are only egg donors.”

Never, ever, ever visit your adult child's FB page. Ever. Its a mad, mad place where every day is opposites day.


vivgood

[js friend]

I would say that if your dd is working 2 jobs she can afford to get herself a license and I would give her a deadline.

If by that time she doesnt have a license tjb, I would sell the car... . and yes those remarks do hurt but try not to take them personally.I have learnt to avoid the justifing and circular arguments with my dd.

If my dd is unhappy with one little thing I do or cant get her way, it undoes all the other things I have ever done for her.

Remember they are  living in that moment.  

[twojaybirds]

Thanks Viv,  I know I should never have mentoined the money/jewelry but it came out... . atleast calmy... . 2P's said she would never admit this theft without years of therapy.  I am not beating myself up about it though. 

Sometimes I do think an honest reminder of the fullness of our relationship (I have forgiven her) rather than just her immediate perspective is necessary.  I have been silent on thispoint since it happened over a year ago.

j's friend I do agree on giving her a timelimit on her license just lauighing at myself for believing her story that she had a license without ever asking her to see it.   

Perhaps she will go nc for a tad which will bring me some peace.  It is no fun to lock doors and carry keys around in your own home.  I believe I am both the warden and prisoner at the same time

[mggt]

Dear twojaybirds,  Dont be hard on yourself we can only take so much we are human too  I think you handled it just fine.

[vivekananda]

Hi 2Jbirds,

you have been sorely tested, again and again. I believe I understand the situation you find your self in.

Viv showed you a better way to have responded. I wonder if it is worth revisiting some of those skills, I think we all need to be 'revising'. Have you read the Lundberg's book? (I don't know if I should remember details like that - but I can't, sorry... . )

At times of challenge with my dd I try hard to remember that my goal is to work on improving my relationship with her, that's all. That seems to help me stay on track a bit - but then she hasn't been living back at home either   


Vivek      

[griz]

2JB:  I think you handled it very well.  We all have moments where our buttons are pushed and we say things that maybe we wish we wouldn't have said.  I have done this, but we are human.  You have given so much and maybe sometimes it is not really that bad that our children hear a dose of reality. 



Griz

[jellibeans]

twojaybirds

your post made me so sad... . it is hard to do so much for our children and for it to go unnoticed and to be treated terrible on top of it. Don't be hard on yourself... . we all get there at times... . when they are so selfish and raging.

Don't dwell in the past girlie... . make a plan for the future... . how to put boundaries in place to protect yourself.

Can you get her in therapy? can you go together? You can't change the past but learn and go forward... .