what to think when she does not show

[twojaybirds]

Last night dd called about 9:30 pm   to tell me:

she would me moving into her dorm on Saturday not Monday

she sold all the stuff out of her aprt.

She wanted to come over to say "hi" since every other night she was working till 10pm.

I said ok... come over... . excited about school... etc  ( I bought all her school supplies with her last week)

She said she would call when she was almost here.

If she had just finished work, as she had stated, that is about a 30 minute drive.

Well I called her twice within the next hour and she did not pick up her phone.

Now it is the next day and I have heard nothing.

The car is registered to me so if there was an accident I would have been informed... .

My gut says she is fine but sometimes I just have to ask 

"Like really?"

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, twojaybirds... .

Have you heard from your daughter yet? Is she OK? Did she tell you what happened last night? Are you OK?

I do know that my dBPDs36 used to do that type of thing all the time and it meant different things depending on his circumstances:

1. He was doing something he knew I wouldn't like so he was avoiding me.

2. He just forgot. That's it... . his ADD, distractability, whatever, kicked in and he forgot.

3. He was ashamed of himself for something and didn't want to face me.

4. He got into some sort of trouble (maybe not even his fault) and didn't want to upset me.

5. He didn't do something he was supposed to do, and didn't want to disappoint me.

Of course, that's my son and not your daughter, so these things may not apply... . I just know that I read your post and it brought back really bad or sad memories (he's not doing these things anymore), and I was just hoping that you've seen your daughter today/tonight and everything is all right and she has a good (at least in her eyes!) excuse. My best thoughts are with you   

[twojaybirds]

Well Rapt she texted me while I was out shopping about an hour ago.

the text was a photo of little girl at the camp where she is a counselor and she had an American Girl doll with a few words remembering her American Doll Girl.

That was it.  I guess last night is long gone in her mind.

[vivekananda]

geez 2j's all I can say is ... . offer it up to the powers that be... .  

my heart is with you,

Vivek      

[Rapt Reader]

Well Rapt she texted me while I was out shopping about an hour ago.

the text was a photo of little girl at the camp where she is a counselor and she had an American Girl doll with a few words remembering her American Doll Girl.

That was it.  I guess last night is long gone in her mind.

So she's alive and well, and (apparently) going to work and having fun... .

Could be worse, right?   

[js friend]

Hi tjb,

Oh yes i know the feeling. Anxiety sets in and our minds go on overdrive when we dont hear from them.

Im glad you have heard from your dd and she is ok.

My dd18 was terrible at letting me know if she wouldnt be coming home.   

In the end I asked her b/f if he would call to let me know if she wouldnt be coming home, because I knew that it was more than likely that  she was with him.

He was good like that.

Sometimes I could even hear her voice in the background but she didnt want to speak to me, (prob thought i would be mad with her)

[qcarolr]

This is SO FRUSTRATING.  I have worked to learn to let this go. I still have the worries in my gut, but try to distract my mind. Since I am not a mind-reader, I can never really know what interferes with DD contacting me when her plans change. I try to not expect ANYTHING until I see her face at my door, or get the "i need ride from bus station, on the bus, arriving in 10 minutes".

Mostly I think she just lives in the current moment and believes everyone else does too. And if they don't, then they should. She refuses to plan ahead or make commitments to anything. Well, she will make the commitment in the moment. If this can't be accomplished in the moment, then... . let go of expectations.

Like today. On Monday we met with her lawyer - 3 cases going to hearing on Sep 5th. She has to stay away from bf, not answer any unkown calls, delete any texts from him without response... .   She saw her PO and needs to be doing mental health treatment. She had appt there today at 10am. Also had plan to get a replacment ID - says she lost hers.  She went to hang out with friends on TUes afternoon - no contact since then. Sent 'freindly reminder text' about license and appt last night. Either her phone battery is dead, she has phone off or on silent, or she is just blowing it off. Maybe she is high or stoned -- not good for probation and court in less than 2 weeks.

Sorry, this turned into a vent of my frustrations. Both with DD's lack of responsibility -- and that is what this is about -- and my difficutly is internally letting go of having any control of the outcomes in her life.

qcr  

[Rapt Reader]

Like today. On Monday we met with her lawyer - 3 cases going to hearing on Sep 5th. She has to stay away from bf, not answer any unkown calls, delete any texts from him without response... .   She saw her PO and needs to be doing mental health treatment. She had appt there today at 10am. Also had plan to get a replacment ID - says she lost hers.  She went to hang out with friends on TUes afternoon - no contact since then. Sent 'freindly reminder text' about license and appt last night. Either her phone battery is dead, she has phone off or on silent, or she is just blowing it off. Maybe she is high or stoned -- not good for probation and court in less than 2 weeks.

I'm so sorry you are going through this (again) qcarolr; I so understand the frustration, anger and pain of it. Been there, done that so many times in the past that I really have no idea how many. I just know that the churning in my stomach and panic attacks I would feel were beyond my capabilities to control.

Those were the days prior to my son's Dx and my learning the tools here; I can only imagine how I would figure out how to deal with it now--knowing what I do at this time--as opposed to my crying, praying, screaming to the Universe for help (when no one else was around) in those "old days."

Radical Acceptance? Meditation? Major, super-sized Radical Acceptance? (Not making light of it; it takes more than just the standardized version of Radical Acceptance!)

I do know that most of the time, my imagination was worse than the actual terribleness of the situation, but now and then it wasn't, which is why my mind always went straight to the most terrible thing I could imagine as the explanation of what was happening in that terrible void of no information or contact.

I hope you've heard from her and/or have seen her by now. I hope that she's made it to her appointment. I hope that if not, there's a good and logical explanation, and that rescheduling is not a problem. I hope that you are feeling better now. I will keep you in my prayers; I do know what you've been going through, and I wish I could come right over and give you a big   

[qcarolr]

Actually had a good afternoon. Took a long walk all by myself. Tossed the ball for the dogs a bit. Sat out front after school to supervise gd and neighbor kids around the yellow caution tape all across my house -- getting solar panels installed today and tomorrow.

DD is off on her own. I am not too worried about her survival -- if something bad happened I would hear from someone. If she is in some kind of terrible distress -- I would hear from her. Sharing here earlier today really gave me the ability to let go of much of my worries. Soo--DD has now missed her probation class tonight.

Do our kids self-sabatoge or are they just clueless in the moment? Or both?

Sometimes I feel like she  does or says things in front of me that she thinks will help keep me connected to her -- then she goes out and does whatever she is going to do anyway. Most of all, she needs to know I am always here to love her. Have a place for her to keep her stuff safe. For her to find a safe respite when she chooses.

For today anyway am willing to accept DD is who she is and will do what she does. Letting go. Yes, very Radically Accepting today.

And gd had great day at school - 1st day today and she was so 'scared' the past few days. Excited about learning to write cursive in 3rd grade. She even sat her the desk we put in the living room to do her word worksheet for the half hour study time before dinner.

qcr  

[vivekananda]

qcr   

good to hear your gd's positive experience. Good to hear you got a little physical with dogs and walking.

no news is good news.

Cheers,

Vivek      

[Thursday]

Hello 2jbs



We have seen this exact behavior many times. If DSD says I'll come over and say Hi and any better, more fun, more interesting, more lively, offer comes around, she won't follow through and we won't be informed. And so, after many years of this, we, like qcarolr, have learned to radically accept this. We also have learned radical expectance (lowered expectations) for her performance on following through with a flighty promise.

If she has a reason to come over (money or something else she wants) she will show up on time or early. Recently, she borrowed my old phone when her phone broke. She got her fast when I said come on over. Then later, when she bought a new phone, she called to tell me (to brag) and mentioned she would bring back the loaner phone after a meeting that night and asked if she could come in for a visit or should she leave it in our hiding place. I told her to leave it. Next day, it wasn't there. I wasn't surprised. Nothing in this for her... .

When we make plans to meet her for dinner or some other outing, she might be late but if she were to not be able to make the meeting she will call and let us know. And the reason for this... . she knows if she were to stand us up, that we would not make an invite such as this again. (call it a boundary)

Making plans is like eating potato chips for her. Saying "I'm going to do this" might have substance OR it might be like a puff of smoke, depending on what else happens. If we says something like, "Hey, we thought you were coming by last night" she will respond something like,

"No, I wasn't planning on coming by... . " and will get mad if anyone says,

"well, you said"

So, we don't make our plans dependent on her whims. She pretty much "gets it" when she can be iffy and when she better follow through.

RaptReader... . your response includes a bit about your son "not wanting to disappoint me" and this seems a bit different from my DSD's paradigm. She seems not to understand very much about how her behavior affects others. For instance, her AA steps sort of fizzled out when she got to the making apologies part. She did tell us she was sorry... . just like that. "I am sorry for the things I've done that were messed up in the past." No details, no I'm sorry because.

She was recently unemployed for almost a year and mooching off of everyone she knows. She got a lead on a job from a family member and didn't follow through and seemed very surprised at our distress that she didn't follow through. Clueless really! She even asked her Dad,

"Why would you worry about that?"

Is she kidding?

In these sorts of situations, it is best to quickly learn, there is no changing this mind set (or at least that I've found) and radical acceptance is clearly the best way to go with this.

Sorry for the worry this causes. That sucks.

Thursday

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders