Dreading Fall Break

[twocrazycats]

My nBPD dd18 is living at college even though it's only about a half hour away from home. She's been there since the end of August. She's been generally happy, seems to have friends she likes, although she and her roommate are not really friends. She has stopped home for several hours sometimes on one day of the weekend, and she has stayed overnight at home twice, just for one night each time. Her boyfriend is also a student there.

My son is overseas for grad school and I am a single parent, so I am alone here in my truly empty nest. While at first it felt odd, I've become used to it, and I've been using this time to work on myself with meditation, books and Al-Anon. I've also been cleaning my house which had been neglected for so long and keeping financial matters in order. I had started to feel pretty centered. My daughter calls several times a week to tell me about her classes, her day, etc. With this lower amount of contact, we've actually been getting along pretty well. I've been very careful to focus on validating her when I talk to her.

The thing is, this past summer was h&LL. I was the enemy. She didn't want to tell me anything about what she was doing. Any question at all brought on verbal abuse. She thought it was okay to tell me she would be home at midnight and then stay out all night and not respond to texts or calls. When I went to the boyfriend's house to see if she was there because I was worried (she had never not responded like that), she said I should be arrested for trespassing, when in fact, the bf's sister had let me in. She said the whole family insists I was trespassing. There were times I ended up on the floor sobbing, times I didn't want to live. On a daily basis I would get a sinking, sick feeling somewhere between my chest and my stomach when dealing with her. I CAN'T go back to that! I've come far enough in this short time to know that I deserve better than that. I deserve to have a life that I want to live.

And this weekend she'll be home for Fall break, as will the bf. And on top of that, the college has added an extra day to the break this year, so they will be off next Tuesday also. When she showed me the email explaining about the extra day, I felt like I wanted to die. Upset and worried over what those days will be like, and sad that I can't be happy she's coming home the say way I used to be happy when my son would come home on break from college.

I know that I'll have to set clear boundaries and expectations, and I would welcome any help with how to word that.

(I don't have a T right now because I haven't found one who takes Medicare, which I'm on. For a while I was seeing one who doesn't and paying out of pocket, but I absolutely can't afford that any more.)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

I feel bad for you CrazyCats
It is horrible to dread a visit from a child. (Been there) First take a deep breath. Remember the meditation techniques you are learning. Now tell us what exactly your boundaries are so we can help you with the wording.
Hugs
Faith

[twocrazycats]

Thank you, Faith. I'm not even sure what my boundaries are except for a few. I don't allow the bf in my house with her when I'm not home. I also don't allow her to have friends over when I'm not home. I don't allow drugs in my house. When she's out, I expect her to let me know when she will return and then stick to it or text me if there has been a change in plans.

Those are the concrete things. But I also expect to be treated with at least a minimum of respect or at the very least not disrespect. And that includes words, like, "you never should have been a mother," "you're too old to be a mother,"  I also don't want to see that look of utter contempt in her eyes, I don't want to see her face go blank and her eyes get that psychopathic look if she sees that I'm hurting. Neutral would be fine. Contempt is not okay with me anymore. I know that I'm still vulnerable to it. And yet, I imagine there's no way to stop her from feeling it and showing it in her facial expressions.

So, how to word something so that I can have some boundaries while acknowledging that she has had pretty much complete freedom while away at college? The thing is, sometimes she can be reasonable. Other times, she can act like an unreasonable monster. And I don't usually know which "her" I'm going to be dealing with.

[FaithHopeLove]

That is a good start. You are aware of and able to articulate what it is you will and will not allow to happen in your home. Boundaries are not about controlling someone else's behavior. No one can do that. Rather they are about recognizing our own core values and deciding what we will and will not tolerate. Here is a great article that goes into more detail.  See what you think. Setting Boundaries

[wendydarling]

twocrazycats  

I'm glad you posted and echo Faith's advice breathe, in, out...

You are going through a period of change, summer was hell, with your DD away during term time,  it's been manageable, you've had all important time out for you, self care.

My 31DD (at home) is a quiet one, it's not my fault (yet... I'm always aware one day maybe, that's her perspective, her learning).

Our actions sometimes can be louder than our words. You've taken back control of your home environment through your self care. Sometimes it helps they see our actions before hearing our words.

We set the scene. I have images of you meditating, having made space in the home for you, your place. You are practicing mindfulness, the awaking gong twice a day, where you stop what you are doing to be. You have soft mood lighting, and activities' that help you to be mindful, knitting, drawing, writing. You can change your home environment and your DD may respond, feel safe. Listen to your actions.

It is all about changing our approach, as we do that we are self caring and learning.

Right with you 2CC  

WDx  

[twocrazycats]

So her bf is bringing her back today. They are stopping at her high school homecoming game. First she said she'd be back at 12. Then she said they were stopping at the game and she'd be back at 2. Now she texts and says she's catching up with a lot of people, can she stay a little longer. We agreed on 3. I guess this is normal 18 year old behavior? It's just if I ever didn't agree to something, then she'd unleash the anger, which goes way beyond normal. I hate how she keeps changing plans. I'm thinking if she goes out with them and bf tonight I might just suggest she stay overnight at the bf's house. I can't stand his family, but on the other hand, I'd rather know from the start that that's what happening rather than sit around waiting and then receive a text saying that she's staying.

I've been reading about boundaries (thank you for the reminder, Faith) and know that I can only state what I will accept or not, that I can't control her behavior. I'm trying to breathe, trying to meditate. But I still feel like I'm suffocating the instant I stop focusing on my breath. And I feel like vomiting. She hasn't even arrived yet. This is some sort of PTSD from the behavior over the summer. In 72 hours she'll be heading back to school. I can survive that, right? I tell myself that people have survived stranded in the woods for longer, even at sea I believe. I can do this (without losing myself and what I've gained so far). Right?

[FaithHopeLove]

Yes right
 You can do this
Keep breathing