Our adult daughter has changed .

[Tui]

Our daughter, in her 30's, who we love and cherish dearly has joined us in lockdown but refuses talk or discuss anything with us other than a rage about us being the worst parents ever and the root cause of her ongoing life challenges and perceived failures compared to other people.
She is seeing/talking to a therapist who is validating abandonment issues and CPSTD .I am not a professional but up until this therapy,  she could at least believe that we were there for her at a fundamental level. She is high-functioning rather than low functioning.
I have no idea where this will lead but as a parent I would like the support of a group and this is the nearest to issues we face .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thanks]

Good luck Tui! I am going through this with a much older daughter, almost 50. she suddenly turned on us last year, though she would occasionally lash out before that. It seems like a triggering event can set of a person vulnerable to BPD. In her case it was when her daughter went off to college, I believe. Maybe your daughter has been triggered by the current COVID crisis.
There's a lot of wisdom in the Stop Walking on Eggshells book and I hope you have a chance to read it. The suggestions helped me be able to connect with her in a way that preserved my own dignity and well-being, and we have had a few pleasant exchanges lately. It was eye opening to me that the brains of BPD people function differently and now that I understand that, its much easier to relate to her and also have a peaceful life of my own.
I wish I had known all that years ago, as my sister also has BPD, and it really shredded our family. But at least I can mange so much better now, and also be helpful to my daughter, even if it sometimes is only giving her a loving reality check.
I hope things go better for you soon!

[Tui]

Thank you for your encouragement. I have been reading the book you mention and yes it does help understand her inner workings much better and I feel huge compassion for her suffering and what it requires to exist in her world and I need to settle in and persevere in finding the path through to a better place . It is a very uncomfortable to be the subject of her rage and hatred. I will be reading other posts with interest .

[Thanks]

So glad to help - it's a lonely business having an adult BPD daughter. One thing that helps me is, when my bpd daughter is rude or nasty, I withdraw or don't respond. Then eventually when I do respond, it's not to defend myself or address her rudeness, but to move on to another topic. For example she will send a text with a question or followup to something we were discussing, but she'll throw in something accusatory or insulting. Though I usually respond promptly to texts, I wait at least a couple of hours or even a day before responding when she does that. Then when I do respond, I don't address the rude part of her communication at all. This seems to shut down the poor behavior much better than getting into the weeds with her about it.

It's harder though when the BPD person is under your roof. I like to think I would walk away and just distance myself from her, but that might not be totally realistic. In  a way it's like dealing with a toddler. Not to be demeaning to the adult BPD, but their emotions do carry them away like a toddler's do. They can't control those feelings and they spill out.

The other thing I always think about is how guilty BPD's feel about their behavior after the fact, sometimes years after. I try to take that into account and shutting down a conversation is actually helping them not to accumulate more guilt going forward. I recently had to shut down some really angry irrational emails from my BPD brother for that reason. If I leave the door open for him, he will only say things I know he may someday feel regret and shame about. That was hard for me, but his adult daughter and his wife have let me know they understand what's going on, and that has helped. I can only imagine what it must be like for them. Having a BPD in the family is such a terrible strain. But it's really helped to understand them better and to realize distancing myself may be saving them some pain, sooner or later.

Good luck with your daughter! I hope you have some breaks and understanding from the rest of the family : )