Daughter-in-law Using the virus as an excuse to isolate my son and grandkids?

[Tsultan]

Hi there, My daughter-in-law who was diagnosed with BPD has put more and more obstacles in the way for me to spend Father’s Day with my son. First, it was all the usual, wear a mask if less than 6’ away, limit contact with my 4 and 6 year old grandkids which is pretty challenging because of their age but I said I would comply and I respect their boundaries. But then this morning I get a text from my son who is my daughter in law’s mouth piece that says I cannot come in their house. I’m driving 50 minutes to go visit them I am sure I will need to use the bathroom. I’m feeling like I’m not comfortable going there because it would make my son and daughter in law uneasy. I try to live a different way now and I don’t go places where I’m not wanted. I’m starting to wonder if she’s using this disease as a way to keep my son and grandkids all to herself. I’m sad about this behavior if it’s true. We live in an area where there are very few cases of this disease and I know no one who has it. I finally got to see my grandkids a couple weeks ago for the first time in a few months. It was only to drop off a gift and to spend a few hours with them outside. I did use the bathroom but I just don’t see how I could bring food over for a cook out and not come in their house logistically. I am usually a creative problem solver but not being allowed in their house has made it difficult to have a cook out there. I just feel like as I said, it’s a way to keep us away from her fold. She’s very clingy with the grandkids and it’s made it so they are very shy around other people. It’s unhealthy. It’s not good for the grandkids. And now this. I was starting to build a relationship with my grandkids after the divorce 6 years ago and now I have this obstacle. I’m feeling a loss today because of this insidious and awful disorder. Thanks for listening. I needed to talk. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Thank you for this post! It is frustrating and hurtful to not be able to see your son and grands as you'd like.  I am offering another  viewpoint in hopes to  take the sting out of you not being able to see your family . Sure, it may be true your daughter in law  is jumping on this as an excuse to manipulate the situation her way ,but  fear  of covid-19 spread could be a real concern.  I may even add, even a valid concern.   Many of us are right in the boat with you ; I saw my 87 year old Dad( has undiagnosed BPD traits) once since March and that was due to me dropping groceries off on his porch , I was in my car before he opened the door and we waved.  I haven't seen my nieces or nephews since February  and one parent has BPD.  Add the BPD illness to the covid-19 fear and then the order of magnitude of being afraid is exponential. I don't have BPD , and I am terrified of covid-19 , nor  have I seen friends or family in months..   It is possible this is not personal against you at all?

[Thebigyellow]

My heart aches for you. My BPD daughter has also been unable to psychologically deal with the coronavirus pandemic and my granddaughter has been caught in the middle. It’s costing me a small fortune to keep them shielded because my house is deemed unsafe. I’ve noticed on these posts that many are saying similar things about response to coronavirus with their BPD adult child. I think people with BPD are very sensitive to big changes and are emotionally and psychologically challenged to adapt to these changes. It’s rough on everyone but for them I think it’s very frightening in ways we don’t understand. Even small changes can throw them off guard so I imagine a global pandemic is extremely hard for them to process. I wish my daughter could just be honest and lucid about how she is feeling so we can try to talk through them.