How can you support him? I would say listen with boundaries. Listen, validate his feelings, maybe ask some questions (that help him come to his own solutions) and do it for as long as you are comfortable listening...maybe even set yourself a time limit, keep the conversations to 30mins for example so you don't end up too emotionally drained.
What I would say is stay away from trying to control the situation or either of them...they control themselves and their marriage. You don't want to get in the middle. It isn't your job to rescue your brother but you can be there to assist him if he decides to take action.
I want to share some information on the Karpman Triangle you want to try and stay off the triangle if you can...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0Definitely keep the lines of communication open I agree it's important he be able to have that outside link to his family.
My brother has been married to a not officially diagnosed BPD for almost 10 years. He has been to many therapists, in the past having to switch because she wanted him to, and is now been seeing one at the local Family Violence center.
Has there been violence in his home life or is this just a random choice on her part?
He has finally realized that he cannot stay married to her, but they have 4 kids (age 8 and under) and he hasn't left...
Be aware that realizing this and taking action are two different things. There can be a lot of fear involved with leaving a marriage, both for himself (financially/emotionally) and as a parent (custody) and logistically (who lives where/moving), then you throw in that you are divorcing someone that may end up being very high conflict and things get really scary. He can feel like he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Things may need to get worse between them, or he may feel the kids need to get older if she has them alone, or he needs to save money to make the leap to actually leave. So he may realize the marriage isn't good but he may not act immediately as much as you would like to see him do that.
Our family does not get to see them and aren't ever invited to birthday parties and holiday events, even though he wants us to be there.
Sadly you are not alone here, we have members that are in the same boat as your brother and others in the same boat as you. Your brother is taking the path of least resistance. Going along to get along.
It's horribly painful to watch your brother go through all of this I know, but his choices are his. You can't make him do what he isn't ready to do but you can be a listening ear, you can validate his feelings, and when he asks you may be able to help more.
I don't think he can take it much longer. I want him to be prepared - have some legal info - so he can take care of the kids
I agree if he decides to leave consultations with several lawyers is a good idea (We have a really good legal board where our members share experiences and strategies that could help in the future)...but we are getting the cart before the horse.
Would he have an opportunity to come post here? (Maybe his lunch break at work or something...when he's not so under her thumb) It might help for him to know he's not alone and their are tools that can help him.
Snow80, I'm glad you've found us and decided to jump in and post. You aren't alone everyone here has a person in our lives with BPD/BPD traits we "get it". I know other members will be along soon with their thoughts and ideas.
Take Care,
Panda39
