Excuses she gave for cheating/having poor boundaries with other guys

[boatman]

Hi everyone, it's been a while since I posted on here. I've been in an on/off relationship with my BPDgf for 2 years now. I recently ended things with her again because she was AGAIN talking with other guys behind my back. She cheated on me with her ex 1 year ago and has repeatedly talked with other guys behind my back and triangulated me with others. I plan to post more of my latest story soon but right now I'm hurting most because of the ridiculous excuses she gave for her behavior so I figured I'd list some of them.

In response to my confronting her about facebook messaging with other guys:

1) "I don't take facebook as seriously as you do so I just stay friends with these guys."

2) "I'm facebook friends with a bunch of people I don't talk to."

3) "I don't like to ignore people so I answer them if they talk with me."

4) "If you listened and truly understood why I do this it won't hurt you as bad."

5) "I can't talk to you about this anymore because you make such a big deal out of everything."

6) "I can't talk to you about this anymore because you're being irrational."

In response to my confronting her about breaking plans with me while simultaneously making plans to go drinking with another guy.

1) "I just wanted to drink and he's an alcoholic so I knew he'd go with me. It had nothing to do with him or you."

2) "I don't care about him at all so I don't understand why this hurts you."

3)  "I can't talk to you about this anymore because you make such a big deal out of everything."

4) "I can't talk to you about this anymore because you're being irrational."

In response to my confronting her about physically cheating on me with her ex.

1) "I just needed to get closure about some things with him and we just happened to have sex."

2) "I'm sure you'll feel better about this if we just don't talk about it."

I'd be interested to know if anyone else has heard anything like this while confronting outrageous behavior. What she did is bad enough but these excuses make it even worse.

[Blimblam]

A mix of half truths and projection.

Thanks for sharing this.

How are you feeling?

[boatman]

Hi Blimblam-

I'm feeling pretty numb now. She and I have the same job, but only for 1 more week then I won't have to see her anymore and can start to heal. I have trouble keeping myself from buying into her projections and blaming myself sometimes so it helped to write some of it out. Can you relate?

[Mr. Solo]

Hi everyone, it's been a while since I posted on here. I've been in an on/off relationship with my BPDgf for 2 years now. I recently ended things with her again because she was AGAIN talking with other guys behind my back. She cheated on me with her ex 1 year ago and has repeatedly talked with other guys behind my back and triangulated me with others. I plan to post more of my latest story soon but right now I'm hurting most because of the ridiculous excuses she gave for her behavior so I figured I'd list some of them.

In response to my confronting her about facebook messaging with other guys:

1) "I don't take facebook as seriously as you do so I just stay friends with these guys."

2) "I'm facebook friends with a bunch of people I don't talk to."

3) "I don't like to ignore people so I answer them if they talk with me."

4) "If you listened and truly understood why I do this it won't hurt you as bad."

5) "I can't talk to you about this anymore because you make such a big deal out of everything."

6) "I can't talk to you about this anymore because you're being irrational."

In response to my confronting her about breaking plans with me while simultaneously making plans to go drinking with another guy.

1) "I just wanted to drink and he's an alcoholic so I knew he'd go with me. It had nothing to do with him or you."

2) "I don't care about him at all so I don't understand why this hurts you."

3)  "I can't talk to you about this anymore because you make such a big deal out of everything."

4) "I can't talk to you about this anymore because you're being irrational."

In response to my confronting her about physically cheating on me with her ex.

1) "I just needed to get closure about some things with him and we just happened to have sex."

2) "I'm sure you'll feel better about this if we just don't talk about it."

I'd be interested to know if anyone else has heard anything like this while confronting outrageous behavior. What she did is bad enough but these excuses make it even worse.

I have heard most of that from my dBPDw. It was a way to justify what she was doing. Nothing more. Nothing less. I was supposed to "just trust her" despite the fact she had just cheated and was still in contact with her lover. That way she didn't have to do the work to rebuild trust. She just wanted me to wave a magic wand and trust her 100% for no reason other than she said to. She was also very good at changing the rules on the fly to suit her needs. I texted a very good (mutual) friend once, who is a female, and asked how her daughter was doing (she was sick). My wife said it was inappropriate and she was mad. So, when I pointed out she texted co-workers, guys from high school, one of our close mutual friends who was a male, my brother in law (who would drunk text her), instead of changing her behavior she just changed the rules. "Oh. Okay. You can text who you want then." LOL.

[Blimblam]

Hi Blimblam-

I'm feeling pretty numb now. She and I have the same job, but only for 1 more week then I won't have to see her anymore and can start to heal. I have trouble keeping myself from buying into her projections and blaming myself sometimes so it helped to write some of it out. Can you relate?

I can definately relate!  I didn't know what I felt any more and the way i began to cope was by numbing myself from what my get was telling me. I got so confused and lost I could barely recognize myself in the mirror.

Writing and seeing if others could relate helped me tremendously!  I was not able to find that anywhere but through this forum and I am eternally grateful to bpdfamily and everyone involved in this healing space.

When deep in the FOG I was blaming myself also and had a difficult time understanding what happened and why. My recovery and understanding has been very slow and for a while I felt guilty about this comparing myself to where I "ought to be" in life. Telling myself a story with "should" became a form of self abuse.

You are not alone boatman. I believe in you!

"It was nothing personal"

[Algae]

Here's the excuse my Exgf used EVERYTIME... .you ready?  Because it's ridiculous.

"I want to have a life YA KNOW."  "I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!"  "You make me feel like I'm in prison so I can't talk to other guys... "

and my response was, "WELL YOU CAN TALK TO OTHER GUYS... BUT YOURE ___ING SENDING PICTURES OF YOURE ASS YOU ___ING HOE."

Then she says, "Well I have a life, and youre holding me back and I feel like I can't do what I want!"

[boatman]

Hi Mr. Solo-

I'm sorry your ex tried to manipulate you like that. Mine did the same thing... .she would change the rules often to justify her actions. If I ever did what she did she would have gone nuts- our relationship was full of double standards like that. She even tried to tell me that her therapist told her to talk to other guys to help her get over her ex (the one she cheated on me with). You can't even make this stuff up!

Thanks Blimblam.  You're right, it is hard to get out of the FOG. I go through periods of identifying with her projections and blaming myself. It can be UNBELIEVABLY hard to keep it straight in my head especially after being with her for 2 years. I've been on this forum for a long time and I agree it's vitally helpful.

Hi Algae-

Isn't it ridiculous/comical some of these explanations and excuses they come up with! Sometimes when arguing with my ex I felt like I was dealing with a 4 year old.  :'(

[Mr. Solo]

Hi Mr. Solo-

I'm sorry your ex tried to manipulate you like that. Mine did the same thing... .she would change the rules often to justify her actions. If I ever did what she did she would have gone nuts- our relationship was full of double standards like that. She even tried to tell me that her therapist told her to talk to other guys to help her get over her ex (the one she cheated on me with). You can't even make this stuff up!

She didn't just try, she did a fantastic job. LOL. Yes, double standards. Very frustrating. She even brought the double standard into the bedroom. Right after her affair (with a girl 15 years younger), she constantly begged me to let her be with women. One time we were talking and she was describing what she would do to another woman. She had mentioned threesomes before and she started talking about all of this while we were actually having sex. She was describing what she would be doing to the other woman while in a threesome with me. I said, "So if you are doing that to her then I will be doing this to her." She acted like that was the most insane thing she had ever heard. "WHAT? I don't think so! You only get to #### me!" When I mentioned the double standard, she couldn't provide a logical answer so she just repeated what she said the first time. 

[clydegriffith]

In my situation it was usually flat out denial, and when she was caught it was "i just want friends". If we were to hang out in a large group of my friends (and all were my friends because she didnt' have any), she would always gravitate towards the men and be some what b___y to the women. Even though she was supposedly in a relationship with me, she felt the need to be the one that all the guys looked at and she was threatened when other women were around.

[peiper]

I never got any excuses. my exBPD is a flight attendant. She told me shortly after we were married she was going to start working more hours. She was but she wasn't getting paid for them. Then at five months she picks a fight, divorces me and moves in with a Airline pilot in Frisco. In a motor home no less !

[SlyQQ]

If you are with someone who is BPD they will cheat on you an keep a couple in backup for when they decide to leave if you understand BPD this is naturAL for them as much as looking over your shoulder at a pretty girl wearing a loose tank top when they walk buy they have little or no impulse control and there abandoment fears means they are always making sure they have a saftey net if needed this is BPD realize it now

[Infared]

The problem here is that we are involved with mentally sick individuals. They are soo extremely self-centered that we cannot possibly imagine the depth of it... .ad to that the arrested development at a 6th-grade level of maturity and this explains all of the behavior.

Our problem is, once we have been manipulated and seduced into an relationship (their powers of manipulation and deceit are at a professional expert adult level!), is that once "hooked", we keep trying to interact and relate to a self-centered 6th-grader expecting them to act like rational adults. This will ALWAYS end in emotional pain and mental frustration.

The only solution is to remove yourself from the situation, move on with your life, and do not re-engage. If you do... .there is plenty of more of the same for us.  It goes nowhere.

Insanity= Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

[peiper]

The problem here is that we are involved with mentally sick individuals. They are soo extremely self-centered that we cannot possibly imagine the depth of it... .ad to that the arrested development at a 6th-grade level of maturity and this explains all of the behavior.

Our problem is, once we have been manipulated and seduced into an relationship (their powers of manipulation and deceit are at a professional expert adult level!), is that once "hooked", we keep trying to interact and relate to a self-centered 6th-grader expecting them to act like rational adults. This will ALWAYS end in emotional pain and mental frustration.

The only solution is to remove yourself from the situation, move on with your life, and do not re-engage. If you do... .there is plenty of more of the same for us.  It goes nowhere.

You sure hit it on the head. I never could rationally have a conversation with her. She would get my head so spun out I'd just give up.

[Infared]

You sure hit it on the head. I never could rationally have a conversation with her. She would get my head so spun out I'd just give up.

It just goes around and around and they know EXACTLY a what they are doing. EXACTLY.

[boatman]

Mr. Solo-

That's awful that she was talking about being with someone else sexually while in the bedroom with you. I'm sorry she did that. My ex would also make comments that showed absolutely no regard for my feelings. The self absorption that accompanies BPD is astounding and incredibly hurtful.

Infared and peiper-

I can relate to the spinning conversations, which she would say were my fault of course. Rarely were we able to easily resolve anything. Most often she would berate me for even telling her I was hurt by her actions, tell me I need to just let things go, tell me she needs someone that accepts EVERYTHING she does, etc. I got to the point that I was tempted to give up telling her I was hurt and just deal with it because I would often feel more invalidated and shoved aside when I would tell her.

[willtimeheal]

When a BPD opens their mouth they lie. My ex lied all the time. I see that now. The problem is she actually believes those lies. She has to. If she were to ever look at what she has done the shame and guilt would overwhelm her and she would probably self explode. That's why she lies... .self preservation. When I caught her talking to others and suspected she hooked up with them she either gave me a lie or didn't respond.  Over the years I realized everything she accused me of she was probably doing herself. There is never any responsibility or accountability on their part. It is always someone else's fault.

[Split black]

Hi everyone, it's been a while since I posted on here. I've been in an on/off relationship with my BPDgf for 2 years now. I recently ended things with her again because she was AGAIN talking with other guys behind my back. She cheated on me with her ex 1 year ago and has repeatedly talked with other guys behind my back and triangulated me with others. I plan to post more of my latest story soon but right now I'm hurting most because of the ridiculous excuses she gave for her behavior so I figured I'd list some of them.

In response to my confronting her about facebook messaging with other guys:

1) "I don't take facebook as seriously as you do so I just stay friends with these guys."

2) "I'm facebook friends with a bunch of people I don't talk to."

3) "I don't like to ignore people so I answer them if they talk with me."

4) "If you listened and truly understood why I do this it won't hurt you as bad."

5) "I can't talk to you about this anymore because you make such a big deal out of everything."

6) "I can't talk to you about this anymore because you're being irrational."

In response to my confronting her about breaking plans with me while simultaneously making plans to go drinking with another guy.

1) "I just wanted to drink and he's an alcoholic so I knew he'd go with me. It had nothing to do with him or you."

2) "I don't care about him at all so I don't understand why this hurts you."

3)  "I can't talk to you about this anymore because you make such a big deal out of everything."

4) "I can't talk to you about this anymore because you're being irrational."

In response to my confronting her about physically cheating on me with her ex.

1) "I just needed to get closure about some things with him and we just happened to have sex."

2) "I'm sure you'll feel better about this if we just don't talk about it."

I'd be interested to know if anyone else has heard anything like this while confronting outrageous behavior. What she did is bad enough but these excuses make it even worse.

I never got excuses, just constant cheating. When I busted her she would project, paint me black as night and go silent. When she recycled me I always went back for more humiliating punishment. It got to the point where I would not talk about what I discovered and knew because if I did I wouldn't be getting sex to which I was and to some extent still am addicted ( Im in withdrawal at some point every day, doesn't last too long now, (but Im also over a thousand miles away in a different state and have gone yet again, full NC... .only a week since her last nasty text and call)... .I would get crumbs... .and feel grateful. Then hate myself for being a beta chump when Im not and never was.

You cant win... .you wont win... .and this is the perfect example of that insanity quote... .to do the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

To all you guys who sucked up this kind of crap like me... . what you KNOW is only on the surface. I would venture to say that if you think you discovered her cheating with only one person... .you are in Big TIME denial.

They cant and wont stop having sex with other people... .and while I know its not 100 percent accurate to say they ALL cheated... .well... .I would say 99.999999    Its a wonderful feeling visualizing them entwined and getting ravaged by others while vomiting lies, half truths, and projecting their self loathing on to you... .  You either dump them, move on, get a grip, stop fantasizing about a relationship that will never ever happen... .BELIEVE IT... .and accept reality for WHAT IT IS... .or deal with the pain and anguish of being somewhere on their rotation, and used when needed.  Its awesome the way they break plans to go get hammered by someone else isnt it... .ugh... .WALK AWAY and never look back.

[boatman]

There is never any responsibility or accountability on their part. It is always someone else's fault.

Hi willtimeheal-

This is so true! My ex would hurt me then blame me for it! One time she even said "You know I have a lying problem so you should stop being hurt when I lie!" Like you said, they make everything someone else's fault.

I would get crumbs... .and feel grateful.

Hi Split black-

Your description of your relationship matches my experience exactly. I'm realizing now that I forgave her and let things go even though she hardly ever took true responsibility for her behavior. It's still hard for me to accept that I feel so badly about myself that I would accept being treated the way she treated me.