I'm so sad because I need to end the relationship. How to deal with the guilt?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm feeling broken-hearted because I'm going to have to break his heart. I still have strong feelings for him, and it isn't as if things have been bad between us lately, other then his depression and associated symptoms. But I know this relationship doesn't truly fulfill me. And my sons, mom, dad, sister, and friends don't like him. Family is important to me. If it was just my parents, I might be tempted to stay in the relationship--but it's my sons (21 and 24). They would tolerate his presence for me, but I see their faces when I mention that I will be seeing him, or if he calls me.
And I'm 52, I need to be with someone who has a job so we can build a life together, have a home together. Someone who is willing to work toward bettering himself and willing to take on the upkeep of a house at some point. I know my BPD bf is not willing to do that. He said he preferred an apartment because there was no maintenance and no cost if something breaks down. I lived with him for close to two years. He's unmotivated. He would act like a sulky adolescent when I asked if he could help me clean up the place. His D7's toys would be all over the living room and all over the floor of her br, and he would act as if I was overreacting when I asked if we could do something about it. These are minor things, not even touching the hell I went through emotionally when we were living together. I know I don't ever want to live with him again. So what's the point of continuing on? I'm not getting any younger, and neither is he.
Here's the thing:  how do I get over my guilt over what he will see as my abandoning him? And honestly, sometimes I see it that way, too. How do I get past that? We separated last summer for two months, and it was horrible. At the time I felt it was the right thing to do, but I was still heartbroken and missed him terribly.
Anyway, I know this is getting long. If anyone has any suggestions over how to manage the guilt and work through and past it, I would really, really appreciate it.

[WindofChange]

I'm feeling broken-hearted because I'm going to have to break his heart. I still have strong feelings for him, and it isn't as if things have been bad between us lately, other then his depression and associated symptoms. But I know this relationship doesn't truly fulfill me. And my sons, mom, dad, sister, and friends don't like him. Family is important to me. If it was just my parents, I might be tempted to stay in the relationship--but it's my sons (21 and 24). They would tolerate his presence for me, but I see their faces when I mention that I will be seeing him, or if he calls me.
And I'm 52, I need to be with someone who has a job so we can build a life together, have a home together. Someone who is willing to work toward bettering himself and willing to take on the upkeep of a house at some point. I know my BPD bf is not willing to do that. He said he preferred an apartment because there was no maintenance and no cost if something breaks down. I lived with him for close to two years. He's unmotivated. He would act like a sulky adolescent when I asked if he could help me clean up the place. His D7's toys would be all over the living room and all over the floor of her br, and he would act as if I was overreacting when I asked if we could do something about it. These are minor things, not even touching the hell I went through emotionally when we were living together. I know I don't ever want to live with him again. So what's the point of continuing on? I'm not getting any younger, and neither is he.
Here's the thing:  how do I get over my guilt over what he will see as my abandoning him? And honestly, sometimes I see it that way, too. How do I get past that? We separated last summer for two months, and it was horrible. At the time I felt it was the right thing to do, but I was still heartbroken and missed him terribly.
Anyway, I know this is getting long. If anyone has any suggestions over how to manage the guilt and work through and past it, I would really, really appreciate it.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi windofchange,

I know exactly what you are talking about. I experienced much guilt when I finally went NC with uBPDh last October. We had been separated since the previous Nov. He was abusive and using drugs, and I decided I am just too old for that kind of crazy (I am 41).

One thing that has greatly helped me is getting into trauma focused therapy. I was able to explore the source of my guilt and trace its origin in my childhood. I have a strong tendency to feel responsible for other people's feelings and try to manage them. I also have a hard time with putting my needs first, because my Christian values tell me that I am supposed to put others first. However, there is a balance there. The book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend was good at defining that for me.

I still feel the guilt, and it has caused me to procrastinate on filing for divorce. However, I am getting better at not holding on to it for too long. I remember that my health, well being and needs are important. I am learning self advocacy with my counselor's help. And I remember that he is responsible for his choices, and none of those choices included anything that was in the best interests of our relationship. They are all impulsive and based on emotions, and the impact on me has been severe.

I can not make him change, want to change, want to get help, or fully participate in a treatment plan in order to get help. I was left with no other choice but to do what is best for me, and that is so unfamiliar to me. But it isn't wrong. It's actually healthy.

I give him over to God, and I trust God to help me follow His will for my life.

It gets better.

Redeemed

[Sandb2015]

Hello WindofChange, I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

You sound like a strong woman who's been through a lot, I admire that strength and speaking with conviction as you do.  My story is different than yours and I can understand nevertheless.

The guilt?

If it's just the guilt, imagine it is him or you? What about you? You deserve what? You sound like you know.  I'm not speculating, I'm not judging and can try to advise, I can only ask questions they may help.

Guilt destroys, it never built anything.

[WindofChange]

Hi Sandb2015, thank you for responding. You make good points about guilt. I need to focus on what I need and what is best for me and stop feeling responsible for him. He is, after all, an adult. He's almost 49 years old. It's that broken little boy inside that has always sucked me in...

I am Redeemed, thank you so much for your response, also. It really helps.
As for therapy, I see a counselor, but haven't made much progress lately because I've been wrestling with this decision to end it. I've been stuck. I have for many years also struggled with feeling guilty and/or responsible for others feelings and well-being. I need to work on that, too. I've actually read that book, as well as another one by those authors, "Safe Friends."  Lots of good information in them both!

"I can not make him change, want to change, want to get help, or fully participate in a treatment plan in order to get help. I was left with no other choice but to do what is best for me, and that is so unfamiliar to me. But it isn't wrong. It's actually healthy.
I give him over to God, and I trust God to help me follow His will for my life."

The above really spoke to me. I have been praying about this, and I do feel I need to just let it go, that this person isn't good for me. I have also felt I just need to leave it up to God. Thank you for reinforcing that to me.

[WindofChange]

Correction:  book title is "Safe People."  Thank you again for the responses. It's so hard because I do still love him and after all this time, how can I say good-bye? I do think it's best, but I dread it so much. We're both going to be broken-hearted.

[I Am Redeemed]

Windofchange,

It is sad when a relationship is not healthy for you, yet you still love the person. I just have to remind myself that there is sadness in life, it comes with the territory, and I can either choose to run from that sadness by continuing to make choices that are detrimental to me, or face it and go through it, trusting God to bring me out on the other side.

I watched a Joyce Meyer video series on Unshakable Trust yesterday. It was so good. She says that any time we are growing spiritually, it involves some pain. Boy, that hit me. But it gave me a new perspective on my feelings.

What would be more sad- ending this relationship when you feel that it is not beneficial to you, and experiencing the sadness and detachment process of breaking up...or keeping the status quo and realizing years down the road that you made the wrong choice, you still want or need to leave, but now you have even more of your life invested and it is much harder.

I will look up that other book you mentioned, as I have not read it. If you have never read any Joyce Meyer, she has some excellent ones. Battlefield of the Mind is one of my favorites.

Redeemed

[WindofChange]

"What would be more sad- ending this relationship when you feel that it is not beneficial to you, and experiencing the sadness and detachment process of breaking up...or keeping the status quo and realizing years down the road that you made the wrong choice, you still want or need to leave, but now you have even more of your life invested and it is much harder."

I'd rather do this now than years down the road, absolutely. I want to be settled, stable, and live a peaceful life. I don't expect a perfect life, but I'm tired of the BPD roller coaster. Since I don't live with him, he's been better--or at least I don't have to deal with it as much--but I know I don't ever want to live with him again. So staying isn't fair to either of us.

I'll check out that Joyce Meyers book, too.  I've prayed long and hard about this, and the impression I get is, like I said, that I need to let go. As for him getting better, the message I feel I'm getting is that that's not for me to do, that's not my responsibility. In fact, the words I get are that it was never mine to do. And I have to let it go and leave it up to God. I'm trying.

So I really feel it's best to go ahead and end things this weekend. He has said that for a couple of months I've been distant with him. The past two weeks or so I've told him I've been really down (which I have).  I can't keep going on and dragging it out. The anticipation of it is worse than actually doing it.

So the question is timing:  He won't have D7 this weekend so he'll be alone. I don't want to tell him and then have him sit there alone and brooding all weekend.  He sees his T every Monday.  I've been thinking maybe it's best to tell him on Sunday. Then he only has to get through Sunday night and will be able to talk with her Monday.  Does that sound reasonable?  It's never going to be easy and there's never going to be a really good time. I kept waiting for that, waiting for him to get in a better place emotionally, but that hasn't happened. And going on this way when I want out (even if I do still love him) feels like a lie.

[I Am Redeemed]

 I've prayed long and hard about this, and the impression I get is, like I said, that I need to let go. As for him getting better, the message I feel I'm getting is that that's not for me to do, that's not my responsibility. In fact, the words I get are that it was never mine to do. And I have to let it go and leave it up to God. I'm trying.

I got that "message" as well when I left. I felt like God was saying "this is not for you to do. Get out of the way and let Me handle this."
I tried so hard to do it, and I felt guilty leaving because I thought that I was the only one who could possibly steer him towards getting help. But I realize now that was faulty thinking- in nearly eight years I was not able to navigate him into anything. Even now, after his behavior has caused him to lose relationships with his wife and all of his children, he still does not take responsibility. It's always someone else's fault, or his circumstances, or something wasn't fair.
He paints a picture to others that I left him when he was "trying." Nothing could be further from the truth.

For so long I knew he had mental health issues, but I did not know about BPD. I felt (and still sometimes feel) that he was unable to function by himself and he needed me. I now know that was my co-dependency, and I was enabling more than helping.

Letting go of the guilt is an ongoing process. I am not feeling as overwhelmed by it as I was a few months ago, but I still battle it. I just keep thinking that a few months down the road I will be better than I am now, and so on. Therapy helps. Reminding myself every day that it is ok to take care of myself helps also. I can't be responsible for someone else's irresponsibility. It took a long time to grasp that concept.

Redeemed

[JNChell]

Hey, WoC. You’ve moved to Detaching. I’m sorry for not getting back to you sooner. Life, ya know? Anyway, it looks like you’re taking a very difficult step in the bettering of yourself. It hurts and it feels uncomfortable and uncertain. It’s ok to have those feelings. It’s part of it. To understand that, all you have to do is read here.

"What would be more sad- ending this relationship when you feel that it is not beneficial to you, and experiencing the sadness and detachment process of breaking up...or keeping the status quo and realizing years down the road that you made the wrong choice, you still want or need to leave, but now you have even more of your life invested and it is much harder."

This is a wise thought. Your comment about the status quo is a good one. It has me thinking. Maybe we should set our own, individual, status quo and live our lives in accordance to those values and virtues. I’ve never been good at doing that, but the idea of it makes sense to me. Any thoughts?

As for him getting better, the message I feel I'm getting is that that's not for me to do, that's not my responsibility.

You’re absolutely right. His wellbeing is up to him. He’s an adult. Let him be one. That’s the best thing you can do for him.

So I really feel it's best to go ahead and end things this weekend.

It sounds like you’ve made a thought out decision. If you haven’t ended things yet, please consider once removed’s advice on doing it slowly. Abruptness will complicate the situation. On the other hand, do what you think is the best for you.

And going on this way when I want out (even if I do still love him) feels like a lie.

I’m sorry.  I understand your struggle.

I’m learning that, at the end of the day, I should be looking out for myself. I can’t help anyone if I can’t ultimately take care of myself. This has been a hard turnaround for me to focus on. How do you feel about doing that for yourself?

[WindofChange]

Well, he took the decision out of my hands. Friday night on the phone, he asked me again about getting together Saturday. I had made plans with family over a month ago (and he knew this). When I told him I wasn't breaking my plans, he got angry. He said I knew he only got two Saturdays out of every month when he didn't have D7, and that I shouldn't schedule anything then so that we could spend that time together. He said I never had enough time for him and he wasn't happy. He told me that if I couldn't give him any more than this, that we should go our separate ways. I told him that with working and going to school, I was overwhelmed, and didn't have much free time but that I usually tried to see him once during the week for dinner and then one day, Saturday or Sunday, on the weekends. He said 3 hours on a Sunday wasn't enough for him. I told him I was sorry I wasn't making him happy, and he ended the conversation.
Since then, he's texted me some accusing me of seeing someone else, asking me if I ever cared about him at all, because it didn't seem like it (after all these years?). I told him of course I did or I would not have continued the relationship for all this time. (I do get that this is probably a typical reaction--for them to feel like no one cares about them.) He said I was so calm about everything that he felt I didn't care. I told him that just because I wasn't crying on the phone, or going on and on about it in text did Not mean I didn't care. I am very sad about it all and I told him so, but I also said there was no point in going on about it, because obviously it wasn't going to work between us and we had to accept it.
I felt it best to unfriend him on social media--after all, we have to detach. He texted and accused me of doing it because of my "new boyfriend." I haven't responded.
So...I guess I should not respond?

"You’re absolutely right. His wellbeing is up to him. He’s an adult. Let him be one. That’s the best thing you can do for him."

Yes, it's what I need to do, JNChell. Redeemed, like you, I thought for a while that I was the only one who could help him to heal. But that was not the case. From this relationship, I've discovered I have poor boundaries and codependency issues. I never really knew this about myself. I have been so stuck with ending things that in therapy I haven't made a lot of progress in these areas. But I will keep working. As for him, I do realize I have to let it go and I'm working on that as well.

"I’m learning that, at the end of the day, I should be looking out for myself. I can’t help anyone if I can’t ultimately take care of myself. This has been a hard turnaround for me to focus on. How do you feel about doing that for yourself?"

You are so right, if we can't take care of ourselves, how can we help anyone else? That has historically been difficult for me. I lost who I was, especially during the year and a half we lived together. Dealing with his moods, his anger, ST, accusations, head banging episodes, devastated me. I tried so very hard to make it work between us, but it wasn't helping. I gave up seeing friends almost completely, and I was drinking a lot due to depression and anxiety. The last six months of living with him, I had so much anxiety I was actually developing facial tics (which he laughed at, I remember now). I started running to combat the anxiety, and it helped. That was the beginning of doing things for me again. I lost some weight, starting seeing a T. After I moved out in April, I started trying to rebuild my self-esteem. I still have a ways to go, but I do recognize that I deserve to be treated with respect and love, and I have a right to not be chained to my past mistakes forever.

[WindofChange]

I don't regret the relationship, but I do regret getting back together last August after being apart the two months. (I had moved out in April but we kept seeing each other until the first of June.) Now we have to both detach all over again. This time, though, I see things more clearly (somewhat) than I did then. And since I've been thinking that things had an end date this time, maybe for me it will be easier. I hope he will be okay, but I can't obsess about it.