Self fueling cycle, not sure how to stop it!
its hard.
these things become hardened defenses, and often understandably so. they become entrenched. and then, in the process, trust erodes, making it even harder to work together to get on the same page.
gottman suggests that when "boundaries" start going up around sex (in this kind of context, mind you, not that we should not have mutually agreed upon sexual boundaries), it can spell the end of a marriage.
at the same time, the solution is not "just do it".
in theory, it would probably help to sit down and discuss, and start out by confessing some of these things, and stating the goal of wanting to work together to improve it, and then to start by doing a whole lot of listening to build trust before you share your side of the equation. that might be easier said than done. would couples therapy be an option?