Nurturing and 18 months in

[Lollypop]

Hi

I thought I would update on our situation.

18 months ago DS returned home at 24 following a crisis and dx of BPD. He was on the floor, addicted to various substances, his third attempt to live independently that failed. Dx brought me to this forum. DS refused treatment.

I got myself a simple plan:
1.  Improve my core relationship with my son through better communication and validation skills, loving first and non-judgmental.
2.  Improve my DS financial management skills
3.  Get him to live independently the best that he can.

My H (albeit relucant as we'd had so many failed previous attempts to fix the situation) agreed to provide bed and board for free. We stopped giving him money and sat tight. Within 3 weeks he found himself one day's work so he could buy tobacco (his friends had got fed up giving it out for free, including the skunk). This was the first sign of hope. I agreed to drive him to and from work, when work became reasonably regular we introduced a modest contribution to his living expenses. He got a young GF (18) and we knew this was going to be a problem later.

He responded very positively to the "new" me. I listened most of the time, I got practising using shorter sentences and my validation skills. This new environment was actually pleasant to be in, I was light as a fairy with a smile on my face, he started to slowly lighten up himself. My H and DS started to mirror my behaviours without them realising it. We took the risk of inviting the DS on a big family holiday and he saved up his spending money and it went well, we further bonded. DS bought a wreck of a car, old laptop, old iphone and contract. He started to learn to manage his money. He bought new equipment for his job. For the first time ever, Xmas was good with shared gifts. This kind of behaviour was unheard of.

All this time I ignored the substance abuse, I also didn't fret about the small stuff (like the state of his room). My plan and, of course the guidance on the forum, helped me stay focussed on my longer term plan. When DS met with a challenge I'd always say "it doesn't have to be like this, there's help out there for you".

14 months in DS hit a wall. Things started going badly with the GF and he went into a downward spiral for 3 months. There were escalating arguments and screaming matches with the GF. I could tell increased substance abuse and DS got forgetful about a lot of things (including paying his rent on time).

I stepped in for the first time in 17 months and suggested that he speak with a retired psychiatrist that was willing to help us. This session was enlightening as I watched the psychiatrist challenge my DS's way of thinking, the way he spoke quite assertively but kindly and definitely challenging him. He changed the dx to GAD, depression with BPD traits. My DS was buoyant from this news and seemed to feel that his situation wasn't hopeless, that he wasn't faced with years of problems or longterm DBT therapy. I, on the other hand lost my way, as I felt that rug had been torn away from under me and I questioned my role on this forum.

I can see that we got complacent. Our relationship was so very good with DS we forgot that we could challenge him. We got so used to just leaving him to his own life, letting him solve his own problems. Being there when he asked for support but not challenging his thoughts. Watching the psychiatrist showed me that I could actually challenge my DS about his substance abuse, be more assertive about therapy and his relationship with his GF.  The psychiatrist described the weed as "the elephant in the room"; that a lot of the symptoms of long term skunk were similar to my DS's behavours.

Within the last week, DS has introduced a month's break from the GF and made an appointment for therapy on 23 June (we are paying).  DS has also reduced his valium twice in the last 3 weeks and reached 6mg last night, his skunk is reduced to a gram per day (equivalent to two joints). He has said he may seek drugs counselling to get off the skunk but will try on his own. DS wants to try for a period of being drug free to see what it's like.

So that's where we are. 18 months on and life is very different.  Life's good, despite the problems.

Do I still belong here?  Yes.  There will be other families out there where the dx changes.  My own DS may indeed get re-dx at some point in the future as BPD.

I hold my breath.  I get resentful if I don't believe that my DS is putting more effort in than we are - but I never show it. There's no "deal" regarding his therapy.  I'll stick to my own behaviours - keep it light, give it a go and see.  Regardless of therapy or drug use, he HAS to learn how to live independently.  My H can't wait for the day and it can't come soon enough for us.

Thanks for reading

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Yepanotherone]

I loved reading this update LP and it does give me hope for the future . Since last Thursday's escapades , I've returned to being as light as a fairy ( almost !... .Still can't help but comment on the state of her room !) , I've told my DD I am no longer going to argue with her about her school . I've told her therapist and probation officer this too . If she flunks she flunks . I suppose there will be time in her future to pick up on her education again should she choose to do so . But I'm tired with fighting her and dragging her kicking and screaming to try and get her through school . It's a huge stressor for me and it really affects what little relationship we have . I'm stepping down and I've tried my best in the school dept . Her therapist said she'll have another talk with my DD and try to tackle the school piece . But since I've decided to bow out of trying to get her to do her schoolwork , I feel less stressed , less pressured , and so does my DD ! We are actually laughing together again this week and even had a bit of a giggle about her obnoxious outbursts last Thursday ( with our family therapist present too ) because her behavior was so ridiculous !
I like reading your posts so much because it gives me hope , and reminds me to try and retain a good relationship with my DD , as the core to ever helping her move forward . Please don't ever leave this forum !
Btw , what's GAD ? Oh and just a thought ... .It may well be that when your son was diagnosed BPD , he was indeed fully blown BPD ! I know he was diagnosed over here in the States and it's not really a diagnosis they give out lightly. Maybe your son has progressed and improved so much now that he doesn't actually fit the full BOD diagnosis now ! It's possible ! He's perhaps in remission and on his way to recovery , showing only BOD traits now ?

[Lollypop]

Hi Yep

We are actually laughing together again this week and even had a bit of a giggle about her obnoxious outbursts last Thursday

She's warming up! I remember holding my breath when we all made playful fun of my DS and his behaviour on a day out rafting (his cigs got wet and he was really annoyed) and I saw him responding by smiling and not scowling. Oh my, it still warms my heart thinking about it and I'm so glad to hear your laughing again.

I'm also glad you've made a decision about what your own priorities are. We're all unique so have to discover for ourselves what we think. It's good taking some control back. Not everybody can be pigeonholed into society's expectations. My own take on it, is that that's ok and there's other ways to explore. Exams and certificates are needed for the majority of entry jobs and, like you say, she may decide later. Or she may decide to sell stuff she's made on Esty!

For what it's worth Yep, my DS achieved GCSEs and 3 A levels. He lost ALL of his certificates. I'm convinced he destroyed them on purpose when he was off his face. He doesn't value this education and I can see now that he was never going to be able to work in a bank or conventional job.

One day when I was driving I saw the Aboriculture Society sign outside a new office, they were having an open day. I went in and grabbed some literature and took it home and he said "yeah, I'd give that a try". He had  2 friends doing well in the trade. My DS had returned home (this was the 2nd time) jobless and tradeless. We bought him a chainsaw, basic kit and a training course (that was nearly 5 years ago) and he started to pick up ground work. His very first boss has OCD and a LOT of patience and my DS learnt well.

When DS needs his certificates for his job, he gets these by paying for private training courses which he pays for himself. This education he values because it affects his pay packet and his desirability.

I'm just trying to show how long it's taken him to learn. We've provided opportunities all the way along (but too many that were undeserved and at the wrong time - if you're interested I can list them!). Most of us just bumble along, don't have a life plan and kind of fall into employment. Maybe she needs some time doing basic rate work to work things out.

Is your daughter ok with working indoors? My DS couldn't do it, he can't watch a clock. He enjoys his trade as the climbing feeds his need for risk.

GAD general anxiety disorder. Ironically this is what his GO has consistently said to me. BPD traits are there. I like to think of them as quirks as I've realised "normal" is most probably not something I've ever seen!

Hugs to you Yep. I think if you often with that bright blue sky and sunshine.

It's Election Day here, while country is gloomy!

Meanwhile, I'm a happy bunny sorting out my art exhibition with opening night tomorrow.

LP x

[Yepanotherone]

So today my DD came back from her therapy appointment... .booted up the laptop and got some work done ! Despite some IT struggles loading up some software that she needed to log into a live online class. It transpired that her therapist has told her if she gets the remainder if this semester's work completed by next week , then she is going to award my DD with the " kid of the month" type award which involves the therapist buying my DD a gift of up to $150 . I don't understand  though , why she responded to the therapists incentive . I offer my DD financial incentives all the time ! I even told her she'd get her phone with data plan back once she's finished up this semester's work. Nothing seemed to work ! We'll see how she goes over the next few days, I'll not hold my breath. Today might have been a fluke !
My DD has been working in a fast food restaurant for 20 months and does have a good work ethic most of the time , it wouldn't be the end of the world ( I try to convince myself of this daily !) if she ultimately decides she just wants to stick with minimum wage jobs and gives up school . It's just sickening because she is such a smart kid with an amazingly sharp mind and wit ,  and she used to have aspirations of being a high flying business woman or lawyer . But hey ho, I'd rather have her ALIVE and at least somewhat happy , coping with everyday life than getting so stressed out in a high end job that continually knocks her mental health into the pits of hell .
How's your younger son doing ? Has he finished up with his exams ? Does he still have his girlfriend? How did opening night go for your art exhibition?
Ahhhh politics ! Looks like the Tories aren't going to have their own way in parliament huh ?

[Lollypop]

Hi Yep

I listened to Frank Skinner on Desert Island Discs archive the other day and he said "who ever listens to their parents?"  It's so simple, generally they just don't!

My DS really values others opinions of him (even the drug dealer's opinion - sigh).  Financial incentives didn't work for us as he couldn't deal with his perceived pressure of the "deal/arrangement". I don't confuse our relationship with money if I can help it.

The fact that your daughter was motivated just that one time is good. She'll remember it. It takes 5-6 attempts for my DS to set a routine behaviour. Maybe your daughter is the same?

I use this figure a lot to help me. He'll have a go at something and fail. Can I change my approach in any way? Yes, I can recognise he tried, he learnt by that mistake, no big deal and a quiet reminder to myself 1 attempt down and it'll probably take another 5 more.

It's amazing your daughter has held down her job. If she hated it she wouldn't have achieved 20 months. So maybe she likes the rules, process, routines and customer service. She knows exactly what's expected of her.

This is similar to my DS except he needs variety and being outside but very much struggles with the time aspect (it's not 9-5, jobs are squeezed in or jobs are intentionally slowed down) and of course he hates the irregular money and late payers. He's learning to deal with these challenges by better problem solving.

You're doing great Yep. She's only young and has a lot of maturing to do. You're learning the skills you need to effectively support both yourself and her while she develops. There's a lot going on with her, hormonally too.

I know about the sadness at the thought "they can do so much more". Well, maybe they will but maybe not in the traditional way. A lot of people go back to education later when they know more about what they want to do.

It's one day at a time. Baby steps. Celebrate those small achievements. You're a great mum.

LP

ps. My house is no longer divided, we are united (apart from politically :-) ! Lol