so many mixed emotions

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am in the process of filing for divorce from undiagnosed BPD husband of 18 years.  I finished filling out all the paperwork yesterday, and instead of relief, I am having so much anxiety.  I woke up crying thinking about all the good times.  I keep questioning if I could have done things differently.  But I know logically that this was a toxic relationship from the start.  I know logically that one of the main parts I contributed is enabling his dysfunction, making excuses for him to myself and others, allowing him to treat me badly, engaging in circular never ending arguments... .  So I don't know why I feel this way now.  It is so confusing.  I guess I am also very scared of the divorce process, especially in regards to custody issues.  Scared, sad, relieved, confused, all these swirling around in my head and heart, and I can barely breathe.  Anyone relate?  Any words of advice?

[talking rose]

I am in the process of filing for divorce from undiagnosed BPD husband of 18 years.  I finished filling out all the paperwork yesterday, and instead of relief, I am having so much anxiety.  I woke up crying thinking about all the good times.  I keep questioning if I could have done things differently.  But I know logically that this was a toxic relationship from the start.  I know logically that one of the main parts I contributed is enabling his dysfunction, making excuses for him to myself and others, allowing him to treat me badly, engaging in circular never ending arguments... .  So I don't know why I feel this way now.  It is so confusing.  I guess I am also very scared of the divorce process, especially in regards to custody issues.  Scared, sad, relieved, confused, all these swirling around in my head and heart, and I can barely breathe.  Anyone relate?  Any words of advice?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey talking rose, Take a deep breath . . . I think it's normal to have mixed feelings about detaching from a pwBPD, even when one knows logically that it's the right thing to do.  My BPDxW and I were divorced after a 16-year marriage with two kids, so I can relate.  No, I doubt anything you could have done would have changed the outcome because, in my view, most BPD relationships are not built to last.  The turmoil and abuse take their toll over time.

The divorce process may seem frightening, but it's actually a common legal procedure that many have been through, needless to say.  Courts are quite familiar with divorce and are equipped to walk you through the issues.

Many here on the Detaching Board fear the unknown, with good reason, yet most fail to consider that the unknown is also where greater happiness resides.  I'm here to remind you that there is life post-BPD r/s.  I admire your courage and let us know how we can help.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi talking rose,
  


Your uBPDh is not going to get better if he doesn't get help for himself. I'm sorry that things had to turn out this way  You have a right to be happy talking rose. What's your support network like in real life? Do you have a T? Hang in there.

[talking rose]

... .because, in my view, most BPD relationships are not built to last.  The turmoil and abuse take their toll over time.



 the unknown is also where greater happiness resides. 
LuckyJim

Lucky Jim, these two lines in your post are exactly what I needed to hear.  Thank you for that.
I keep wondering if it is possible for him to ever not be abusive?  Through therapy he has tried to modify his abusive behavior, but after a time, some shorter some longer, it always circles back and gets worse each time.  I wonder though if now that he was hospitalized and diagnosed at least with depression, if that will give him the push he needs to change, but at the same time he is blaming me for the depression and suicidal thoughts, so the pattern continues even with this change.
It is so confusing and crazy making, and that is why I know it is time to end it. 
But at the same time I am sad and depressed and literally crying now, tears streaming down my face as I type this, because of the thought of ending this marriage.

I hope you are right, that happiness resides in the future.  I'm so scared to face it now though.

Mutt, I know you are right, he isn't going to change.  I know what BPD is, I spent many years researching it even before I realized he had it, because my father is BPD as well.  He is getting help, but still blaming me for his problems including the depression he is getting help for, so I know this part is not changing.  But I'm crying because what if he just needs a wake up call and then he'll change?  But why am I holding onto hope for something I know will likely never happen?

My support network is okay, but not great.  I have a few very close friends who give emotional support, I am now seeing a therapist who gets me (and she suggested he might have BPD based on my description of his abuse, even without me mentioning it, so I know she gets it.)  But I also already lost a few friends in this process, some because of him talking to them about me, and some because they are uncomfortable and don't know what to say.  It is very painful when I realize a friend is acting distant or outright ignoring my calls and texts.

And then I keep coming back to wondering if I'm doing the right thing.  I am feeling physically ill from all this.  How does anyone do it?

[Hopeful_Me]

Hello Talking Rose,

 

I use Al-Anon as my support. I am a recovering codependent, it's my natural trait to attract alcoholics. This last relationship I caught an alcoholic/BPD/Schizotypal man. A tri-fecta!

Toxic relationships take time to detox from. Support and self care are critical. I applaud and support you and your courage. Just breathe. And take it a day at a time. You are not alone.

*hugs*  

[RedPill]

Dear Talking Rose,

I had a hard time detaching from my "family fantasy" as well. I wanted my marriage to get better so badly, and I kept waiting and waiting and trying and trying to return to the good times. My ustbxBPDw initiated our divorce so I didn't have to go through your hesitation though. It must be very hard to bear.

I read that you can have relationship withdrawal just like alcohol or drug addiction withdrawal and you can feel legitimately physically ill as you go through the withdrawal. I know I felt that way. Other emotional pain from deaths or other loss hurt but not like the loss of my r/s. Take care of yourself. It gets better.
--
RP

[talking rose]

hopeful me, i just started going to al anon as well.  it is so validating, but still so painful.  they told me it takes at least 6 meetings to start getting the hang of it.

red pill, i think i am experiencing real withdrawal symptoms, you might have a point.  i woke up this morning, my chest hurt and i was shaking and crying.  i am finding it hard to breathe.  it is taking a physical toll on me.  how do i recover from this?