goin to visit...

[qwaszx]

so pretty well ever since I moved away we've been planning for me to go back and visit.

first she was excited, really, really wanted me to come up for her moms birthday(her mom had wanted me there also), told me she'd pay for my trip, was super worried when I told her "I might not make that date, but I would be coming up for sure, just because of my jobs, and such, and that i'd let her know closer to the date" she was ok with that. I let her know, she was still really excited, so anyways I've planned out my trip to meet this date, and that when I'll be seeing her.

now I know shes dreading when im coming, she's on "lock down" mode, i'll be lucky if I can visit her at all(I told her that "im just goin to wait her out if she refuses to see me", im not flying across the country to not see her, not that shes the only reason im coming, as all my family's there) I know she'll be worried what that im thinking poorly of her, or be pissed off cuz I came, and now the time we agreed on doesn't seem to work for her.

that being said, if shes in this mode, I mean, really im scared to see her anyways... . but that wont stop my stupid ass from trying. I really want to see her, and I think once im there she'll come around... . but knowing I leaving again will hurt her to... . im not sure what to expect... .

needless to say im super excited still for my visit:) its still not for a couple months so hopefully things will settle down for by then, but the way things have been goin I worried that might not be the case... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[united for now]

She may be feeling conflicted emotions around your visit, and yeah, leaving will be hard.

Given that this is a few months away, do you have any ideas on how you can help work through her fears and concerns?

[qwaszx]

ya, I think by the time it comes around she'll be ready, I think I know how to get her comfortable with most things, I can talk her through this but she's got a lot of other stuff goin and is avoiding this all together now. that's ok to, we'll get there in due time:)

Shes told me she really scared that she isn't the person I knew, that I still talk about her who she was and not who shes become and that shes worried I wont like her anymore, that she isn't enough... .

I reassured her that we have met before(meaning all of her), that its ok, im not goin to judge her, that I love her regardless, I don't want her to be anything more then what she is.

[united for now]

I understand you were trying to offer her reassurance of your love. This is a normal response.

You didn't really "listen" or address her feelings though. You invalidated her reality by not acknowledging her insecurities and fears. Two powerful workshops are on validation and invalidation. They have the ability to stop creating distance, repair distrust and to increase closeness.

[qwaszx]

hmm, your right. there was a lot more to the conversation then I can actually remember, that was more of less in a nut shell of what I say but next time it comes up, i'll make sure I do address her feelings.

thanks for pointing it out:)