Time to move on

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello,  She won't let go, but I have to move on.  We were NC for 7 months last year and then I called and quickly fell right back into the relationship.  At first she was so nice, but of course all the same behaviors came to the surface pretty quickly.  What I especially was aware of this time was the in-my-face blatant lies.  I also have never seen anyone with no remorse like her.  When I googled 'people who have no remorse' I about fainted because BPD was #1 on the list.  Anyway, I have to find a way to get my head turned back in the correct perspective and get my life in order.  If anyone has tips or advice on how to let go of her and get her out of my mind, please share.  I need to find a way to get her out of my mind.  Thanks in advance.

[Knight]

Hello,  She won't let go, but I have to move on.  We were NC for 7 months last year and then I called and quickly fell right back into the relationship.  At first she was so nice, but of course all the same behaviors came to the surface pretty quickly.  What I especially was aware of this time was the in-my-face blatant lies.  I also have never seen anyone with no remorse like her.  When I googled 'people who have no remorse' I about fainted because BPD was #1 on the list.  Anyway, I have to find a way to get my head turned back in the correct perspective and get my life in order.  If anyone has tips or advice on how to let go of her and get her out of my mind, please share.  I need to find a way to get her out of my mind.  Thanks in advance.

[Fnaks]

From all the reading I have done on here Knight, I don't think there is a quick fix. Its minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day. We have to find the strength from somewhere to protect OURSELVES and stop trying to help them. Nothing we do will EVER be enough. A lot of people on here have suggested we get therapy and that's something I think I am going to explore.

Be strong and remember to breathe 

[JaneStorm]

I agree; it will never be enough. The more we love them, the more they tend to discount us. It is so sad, really. We deserve mental health. I am doing EMDR for myself in addition to CBT:

www.emdr.com/

https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Treatment/Psychotherapy

[JQ]

Knight, Fnaks, 

I've been reading your post and you two are certainly going through the same thing that many of us have gone through. It's tough no doubt ... .BUUUT the good news is that you have the support of this sight when you need it. You both seem to be pretty smart guys ... .here's what worked for me when I decided that I had enough of the chaos & drama and her flying monkey's.  I like you guys had enough of the lies, triangles, the rages, and the constant recycle of everything. A relationship like a shark needs to keep moving forward or it dies.

SOO ... .this is what worked for me and I have suggested it to more then one person here in the group. So ... .you've gone NC ... .chances are in the BPD relationship she has aided in the alienation of your friends and family.

SO the first thing you need to do is reach out to old friends you haven't talked to in a while and catch up on life. You NEED to get out of the 4 walls you live in and experience life again.

Call your brother, a buddy, a friend and go out for a burger and a beer ... .glass of wine and Italian, a salad and a glass of water ... .the point is ... .get the hell out of your place.

Take yourself to a movie you really want to see ... .don't worry ... .there are more people who go out to movies by themselves then you realize AND the good thing is you don't have to share your popcorn! 

Get out for a walk ... .do a mile ... .it only takes about 20 minutes if you're old and busted up like me. Don't tell me you don't have time ... .wake up 1/2 an hour before you go to work, put on your sweats that you laid out before you went to sleep, walk your mile then get ready for work.  Take a walk after work ... .enjoy the small things in life, the birds singing, the fresh air, the sun ... .the exercise will help with all the positive endorphins and the sun will do some amazing things for your positive energy.

Go for a bike ride ... .you don't have to go far ... .start of with 3-5 miles ... .it really only takes about 1/2 an hour to go that far.  Find a local bike club to ride with ... .you never know if you might meet your next date there too.

Get some sleep ... .chances are like the rest of us your worrying about things you really shouldn't be because lets face it ... .NO GOOD CAN COME FROM THAT!  So the exercise will help you burn off the extra energy ... .maybe take some melatonin to help you get tired to sleep DON'T WORRY their not meds ... .you can find it in the vitamins section of your local grocery store. My flight surgeon in the Navy turned me onto them when we were flying long missions or crossing a lot of time zones and our body clocks were all screwed up. The flight surgeon wouldn't even let us take aspirin soo ... .I take 2-3 10 mg tablets and it makes me drowsy enough to fall asleep in about an hour or so. Sleep is so important to recharge no only your body since your now exercising but to recharge your mind since you're stressing about other things.

I'm retired military and I learned a long time ago that if you do something for 30 days it becomes a habit ... .exercise for 30 days you start to want to exercise ... .eat right for 30 days and you start to not enjoy the junk food. Going NC for 30 days and you won't miss the flying monkey's either. 

You will stumble from time to time ... .it's ok ... .when you feel like you're so alone you can't take it anymore and want to reach out to her ... .remember ALL the negative things ... .snap a rubber band on your wrist to help you remember the pain ... .go for an extra walk / run / bike ride ... .call a buddy to go get that burger or just hang out.  Take one baby step at at time ... .but keep moving forward ... .come back here and post ... .it's somewhat therapeutic ... .but you really need to stay NC in order to move on to a relationship with someone who deserves guys like you two ... .but more importantly ... .YOU deserve someone who will be a equal partner in a mutually respectful, caring and loving friendship ... .baby steps ... .

JQ

[JQ]

I agree; it will never be enough. The more we love them, the more they tend to discount us. It is so sad, really. We deserve mental health. I am doing EMDR for myself in addition to CBT:

www.emdr.com/

https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Treatment/Psychotherapy

Jane,

I was introduced to EMDR before I retired from the military for PTSD ... .it's an amazing tool that the military has introduced with about 96-98% successful results.  It's a tough process to go through ... .and at times might seem like Voodoo magic ... .but I will testify to it. I wish you all the best in your continued treatment and therapy.

JQ

[Knight]

Thank you.  She keeps getting new phone numbers from a text app and keeps sending me dozens of texts saying I have to help her, and I said I would help her and on and on.  I block the numbers and/or keep my phone off, but she repeats by getting another new number.  It's so hard to not feel guilty, and she'll say whatever it takes to get me to do what she wants.  I have to keep deleting and blocking... .

[Knight]

I appreciate the advice JQ.  I will re read that often.   

[JQ]

Thank you.  She keeps getting new phone numbers from a text app and keeps sending me dozens of texts saying I have to help her, and I said I would help her and on and on.  I block the numbers and/or keep my phone off, but she repeats by getting another new number.  It's so hard to not feel guilty, and she'll say whatever it takes to get me to do what she wants.  I have to keep deleting and blocking... .

Knight and GB,

If you TRULY want to move on ... .want to live life without carrying a leash for her flying monkey's you really need to go NC. This includes blocking her number for text and calls. Lock down your FB to friends ... .if you share mutual friends you have to reach out to them and tell them not to discuss anything about you ... .or unfriend them as well. This is all part of the healing process ... .of letting things go ... .for when you truly let things go ... .aka ... .let her go in ALL aspects of your life will you truly be healed and be able to move on to a more healthy, mutually respectful relationship that you truly deserve ... .

As far as this app you speak of Knight ... .I know it's a challenge to continue to block new numbers ... .but if your BPD is anything like mine was ... .she calls in the middle of the knight or text in the middle of the night disturbing your sleep. This is emotional & mental abuse whether you realize it or not and it needs to STOP! It's NOT ok.  SOO what I started to do is turn my phone down so that it wouldn't even vibrate at a certain time in the early evening so I wouldn't notice it ... .I would put it across the room so I would have to physically get up and go it to pick it up to look and see if she had texted me ... .trust me if you do this one thing ... .it'll get old really quick and help with the NC.  Then in order to get some sleep at night I would also leave the phone in another room besides my bedroom ... .if I forgot to turn the volume down I wouldn't hear it and frankly I wouldn't reach for it to see if she called or texted me. This truly helps and in 30 days it'll be a habit ... .

JQ

[JQ]

Thank you.  She keeps getting new phone numbers from a text app and keeps sending me dozens of texts saying I have to help her, and I said I would help her and on and on.  I block the numbers and/or keep my phone off, but she repeats by getting another new number.  It's so hard to not feel guilty, and she'll say whatever it takes to get me to do what she wants.  I have to keep deleting and blocking... .

Knight and GB,

If you TRULY want to move on ... .want to live life without carrying a leash for her flying monkey's you really need to go NC. This includes blocking her number for text and calls. Lock down your FB to friends ... .if you share mutual friends you have to reach out to them and tell them not to discuss anything about you ... .or unfriend them as well. This is all part of the healing process ... .of letting things go ... .for when you truly let things go ... .aka ... .let her go in ALL aspects of your life will you truly be healed and be able to move on to a more healthy, mutually respectful relationship that you truly deserve ... .

As far as this app you speak of Knight ... .I know it's a challenge to continue to block new numbers ... .but if your BPD is anything like mine was ... .she calls in the middle of the knight or text in the middle of the night disturbing your sleep. She would text me several text in the middle of the night (1-2-3 am) ... .and when I didn't answer she would then call knowing the noise would wake me up and I would read her text ... .I fix this. This is emotional & mental abuse whether you realize it or not and it needs to STOP! It's NOT ok.  SOO what I started to do is turn my phone down so that it wouldn't even vibrate at a certain time in the early evening so I wouldn't notice it ... .I would put it across the room so I would have to physically get up and go it to pick it up to look and see if she had texted me ... .trust me if you do this one thing ... .it'll get old really quick and help with the NC.  Then in order to get some sleep at night I would also leave the phone in another room besides my bedroom ... .if I forgot to turn the volume down I wouldn't hear it and frankly I wouldn't reach for it to see if she called or texted me. This truly helps and in 30 days it'll be a habit ... .

JQ

[Knight]

She got another new number and says I better call or else she can be nasty too and my hatefulness may rub off on her.  It's now moving into the threats stage.  I blocked the new number but she has nothing better to do than harass me.  And I know there is no reasoning with her.  At night I do turn my phone off completely now.  Even before NC I had to put it on silent because she would wake me up with accusations.

[Fnaks]

She got another new number and says I better call or else she can be nasty too and my hatefulness may rub off on her.  It's now moving into the threats stage.  I blocked the new number but she has nothing better to do than harass me.  And I know there is no reasoning with her.  At night I do turn my phone off completely now.  Even before NC I had to put it on silent because she would wake me up with accusations.

Christ Knight, you and I are really on the same path! My girl threatens me all the time and begs for help, its heart breaking BUT we have to be strong. Mine turns up at my house sometimes, just because she wants to see me and usually not angry. But three weeks ago she asked to meet me at my house (I had been staying away from my home in case she turned up) to get a Christmas present that I had bought her daughter and because the week before she had hit me I decided to take my brother in law with me for 'protection', this really angered me and as soon as i met her and we went into my house she went straight to the knife drawer and slashed her arm open resulting in 10 external stitches and 2 internal. Its not right and its very very sad but it will stop eventually. I am really hopeful of that. I am afraid to get the police involved again (twice in the past) because she cant help what she does and I don't want her arrested because that would cause her more stress and anxiety, I just want her to leave me alone. I just wish I didn't adore her as much as I do! head f*ck!

[JQ]

She got another new number and says I better call or else she can be nasty too and my hatefulness may rub off on her.  It's now moving into the threats stage.  I blocked the new number but she has nothing better to do than harass me.  And I know there is no reasoning with her.  At night I do turn my phone off completely now.  Even before NC I had to put it on silent because she would wake me up with accusations.

Knight,

You're doing the right thing ... .I know it's tough with the app thing but turning off the phone is smart. As far as "or else" comment ... .it's her raging out like a 3 year old. She's throwing a temper tantrum and as you already know there is NO reasoning with a pissed off toddler so don't even try. You're NC ... .so don't feel you're obligated in any way to answer her. She doesn't control you or your actions ... .you are responsible for yourself.

A person who has BPD needs to be in control and when they're not like in this case they say and do some crazy train crap. Don't buy the ticket to ride it     If she has an app that changes her number ... .the only thing i can think of right now is to change your number. It's free and you can do it in the comfort of your living room. You can jump on your computer go to your provider and change your number. You can even pick a number from several that they will show you. THIS WILL STOP CONSTANT TEXTING AND CALLING!  I know I know it's a pain in the are!  But when you do change it, only give it out to those who actually need it and tell them NOT to give it out to anyone ... .explain that you've broken up with her and this is a security measure to protect yourself. If they break that trust then I guess you really didn't need them for a friend now idd you.  

Go change your number right now and let me know how it works for you ... .go ahead ... .I'll wait ... ..     Above all you need to keep a sense of humor ... .humor will help you get through so much crap ... .

JQ

[JQ]

She got another new number and says I better call or else she can be nasty too and my hatefulness may rub off on her.  It's now moving into the threats stage.  I blocked the new number but she has nothing better to do than harass me.  And I know there is no reasoning with her.  At night I do turn my phone off completely now.  Even before NC I had to put it on silent because she would wake me up with accusations.

Christ Knight, you and I are really on the same path! My girl threatens me all the time and begs for help, its heart breaking BUT we have to be strong. Mine turns up at my house sometimes, just because she wants to see me and usually not angry. But three weeks ago she asked to meet me at my house (I had been staying away from my home in case she turned up) to get a Christmas present that I had bought her daughter and because the week before she had hit me I decided to take my brother in law with me for 'protection', this really angered me and as soon as i met her and we went into my house she went straight to the knife drawer and slashed her arm open resulting in 10 external stitches and 2 internal. Its not right and its very very sad but it will stop eventually. I am really hopeful of that. I am afraid to get the police involved again (twice in the past) because she cant help what she does and I don't want her arrested because that would cause her more stress and anxiety, I just want her to leave me alone. I just wish I didn't adore her as much as I do! head f*ck!

Fnaks, Knight,

Someone who has BPD causing themselves self harm or threaten to cause self harm is NOTHING to play with. Please call 911 if they even mention it ... .most states they will be admitted to the hospital for 48-72 hours for evaluation and REALLY get the help they need. It might be the start of a better path for them. BPD have the highest attempted suicide rate of all mental illness at about 8-10% and unfortunately they have the highest rate of completion of the act.  If they haven't been diagnosed with BPD the trip to the hospital might be the thing they need ... .maybe get the meds they need. In addition they might have other underlying mental or medical issues that you might not know about and getting them to the hospital with professional help is exactly what they need.

BUT what you don't need to do is feel guilty for their behavior. They are responsible for their actions! They are responsible for their flying monkey's they let out of the cages NOT you!

JQ

[Fnaks]

Hi JQ

I am in the UK and trust me there is NO money for mental health here. I could call 999 but I would be doing it every week she threatens it that often and goes into great detail how she's going to do it and then doesn't (thank god). On one of the previous police interventions they took her for evaluation and released her at 2am to drive 55 miles home. Useless. She can talk her way out of anything. She's VERY manipulative.

[JQ]

Hi JQ

I am in the UK and trust me there is NO money for mental health here. I could call 999 but I would be doing it every week she threatens it that often and goes into great detail how she's going to do it and then doesn't (thank god). On one of the previous police interventions they took her for evaluation and released her at 2am to drive 55 miles home. Useless. She can talk her way out of anything. She's VERY manipulative.

Fnaks,

Hey I'm sorry to hear she does this almost every week.  We have a saying here in the states, "The squeaky wheel gets the oil" meaning if she ends up in the hospital enough eventually she might get the attention and help she needs.  It's only a phone call ... .if she threatens it and you don't do anything and she tries or God forbid she actually goes through with the act how would you feel? As I said, BPD have the highest completion rate of suicide then any other mental illness ... .

How is the NC going?  I know here in the states we can go online to our provider and change our phone numbers ... .are you able to do that?

How are you doing? Are you going out for that pint with a buddy? Are you getting out and going for a walk ... .what am I talking about? I've been to England several times and at least in London, you walk everywhere ... ..  Are you getting out of your flat?  What are you doing for yourself?

JQ

[Knight]

Mine ex gf is also very manipulative and can put on her 'normal' facade for people who are basically not me.  I shut my phone off about 4 pm yesterday and have not turned it on since.  I also added a block to the phone for inbound calls with no caller id.  I started to get dozens of those calls yesterday before turning the phone off.  A couple years ago I changed my phone number and it is a pretty big hassle.  I am not ready to do that yet, but have not ruled it out either.  I went online to check my missed messages and ex gf spent some time finding my ex wife facebook account and sent me proof ( in a threatening way, like I have to do what she says, or she will tell exwife lies about who knows what)  Plus some vague references to her childhood trauma; which she never fully tells, but always gives a tiny amount of info.  Plus vague reference to abuse by her ex bf, which again is only a tiny bit of info, never the whole story.  Since she has lied so much this go-round, it's impossible to discern what's true, what's half true, etc.  I do find today slightly more peaceful for me, but I also have guilt feelings.  I have to stay NC.  I fully expect the threats to increase the rest of this week.

[Knight]

The good news is that keeping my phone turned off is working.  She only sent one text today which is about 200 less than a normal morning.  I saw it online, but to her my phone is off.  She can tell by how it goes straight to voice mail I believe; but she always knows my phone status, even if i am on a call she knows it normally.  But keeping the phone turned off is helping.  I just can not see if anyone else is trying to call me... .  I am sure she's not done with her threats, but for the moment it is calm.

[JQ]

Knight,

Dude that is incredible ... .you hope after awhile they get the hint and just stop ... .but as we know BPD never has and NEVER will make sense. Those who suffer from the BPD mental illness have an incredible fear of abandonment and by you going NC I"m sure she feels this. DO NOT feel bad or guilty for going NC Knight ... .you have to do what you need to do for your own well being!     I mean if you ever answered her call ... .what real good would come from it. You would unleash all her flying monkey's and nothing good would come after that. When my raged at me on the phone or said something degrading to me ... .I just told her, "you know, I'm going to hang up now, this conversation is over until you can be calm and talk to me like an adult, good night" and then hung up. I set the boundary and maintained it ... .it was about 30 minutes later she called back and ACTUALLY apologized for her behavior ... .but then again that was when we were dating and I fed her Narcissism. Now I don't know how things would go if she was to call me today.

My first exBPDgf was very much like yours and I finally had to threaten to call the FBI since I was a military ... .she quit after that threat. However, she now knows I've since retired and has weaved her way into my mothers life and inserts herself into my life at will.  She now works for the local Sheriffs department, remembers my SSN and can tracks me ... .she knows if she was to continue to text or call me I would call the Sheriff and end her employment.

Hey another way for your calls or text to go straight to VM, if you put it in airplane mode it will do the same thing as if it was turned off. You still won't get any notifications of others calling ... .but it's a lot easier to toggle back and forth then to power down and then back up ... .jus an idea for you.

As far as the threat to call the ex-wife ... .well ... .if her parents do not know to the extent of her behavior or illness ... .you could always throw that out at her ... .again just a thought ... .I have other ideas ... .but not so sure that you would approve of my military tactics     Ok ... .kinda sorta kidding ... .you have to keep a sense of humor when you're dealing with BPD or you wind up spun up and stressed out yourself.

If it does come down where you have no choice but to answer her call ... .stay calm ... .use logic by asking her if she expects you to come back to her with all her threats? What she expected to accomplish with her threats?  I don't know ... .tough situation brother.

If she has a therapist I would reach out to them and advise them of her behavior and her threats and see what if any assistance you can get from them.

Stay strong bother

JQ

[Knight]

Thanks again JQ.  One thing though, I found that I can not use logic with her.  It's the most frustrating thing trying to talk and she tunes out any and all logic and reverts to whatever she wants to think instead.  After breaking up what seems like 30 times, I know that any contact will only lead to her getting back into my life again so NC is the only sane thing for me to do.  Currently she has still stopped texting.  My phone is in airplane mode like you suggested and I take it off airplane mode for 20 seconds from time to time to check my other messages.  Ex BPDgf sometimes will sit and redial my number for hours on end, so I hope in those 20 seconds, she's not redialing, but so far so good.  Although she has stopped texting, she has left voice mails until my mailbox is totally full; but I delete her voice mails without listening to them.

In this last time we were together she said some things that I picked up on; like one of her friends has 2 boyfriends; one for fun and one who has money.  I wonder if that's all I was to her; the money boyfriend.  With her lies that I proved this time, it makes me wonder so much what was true and not true.   She claims not to have had sex with anyone else, and I believed her but now I wonder.  Her internet history shows her on other guys' FB pages and she claims she was only surfing or trying to delete old messages, but now I wonder.  I really have no idea what was ever true.  I doubt this is the last I hear from her, but I know now I am strong enough and smart(er) enough to resist the flattery and empty promises.

[JQ]

Knight,

Logic and BPD are like oil and water ... .they don't mix.  You describe a portion of PBD behavior very well. You said, "It's the most frustrating thing trying to talk and she tunes out any and all logic and reverts to whatever she wants to think instead."   If you've ever had a conversation with a 3 year old toddler this is EXACTLY like what a toddler would behave. It's like they put their hands over their heads and say nananana ... .I can't hear you!   

And the other behavior you speak of,After breaking up what seems like 30 times, this too is classic BPD behavior and I would venture an educated guess that EVERYONE could relate to that including me. I think at the hight of our dating we broke up and got back together 4 times in one week.  It made me tired ... .I was physically and emotionally and mentally tired like never before.  But now ... .I'm in a good place ... .much better then when I was trying to herd her flying monkey's back in the cages.

LMAO ... .I'm not laughing at you ... .I had to laugh at the voicemail being filled up ... .I can't tell you how many times she did that ... .when I called in to vm I listened to it and she ate up nearly an hour & 10 minutes of voicemail time ... .who does that?  Someone who has a mentally / behaviorally illness that's who does that. I commend you erasing the vm without listening to them ... .you are truly strong with the force young Knight. 

It's also interesting that you were observant in your last encounter with the multiple boyfriend. It is no secret that those with BPD have multiple relationships ... .and I was, like you were no different. She actually told me of my counterpart at times ... .part of the devaluation attempt on multiple of occasions. When I decided it was time to go NC and get off the crazy train roller coaster, I decided it didn't really matter what role I played in her life ... .because that's what it was ... .a role to play in her life to satisfy her narcissistic needs.  In one of her narcissistic devaluation moments ... .she told me her therapist could right a book on all the "sex triangles" she's had over the years. I was no different ... .and when I told her I was done ... .that I'm to old to play those types of games and that I had gone my entire life without a STD and I wasn't going to start now. It really didn't change her behavior ... .as long as someone was feeding her narcissistic needs she was going to do what she wanted to do.

And like yours, mine continued her behavior of past bfs on Facebook and I told her I had enough. She makes up some excuse to stay in touch with them ... .I stopped buying what she was selling and moved on without her ... .it was just one more thing to make things easier to move on. She like most others with BPD have money issues ... .I mean how do you have a 6 figure job and still have to borrow money from mom to feed your kids or make your house payment. I'm soo freaking glad that I escaped when I did ... .I think of all the money I spent on her to date and it's crazy ... .but then I think of the money I COULD OF SPENT on her if we had stayed together and helping her with her debt ... .WOW ... .that idea alone makes me so thankful that i have a guardian angle smacking me in the head and telling me to move on!       More humor ... .you have to keep your humor Knight!   

You like me have had enough of everything our PBDs had to offer ... .or actually would suck from our souls!  I again commend you on your strength on resisting her attempts of flattery and empty promises.

Glad to hear the airplane mode is working out for you ... .here's another tip.  If you have a person you want to text ... .keep it in airplane mode ... .type out your text ... .when your done ... .turn off the airplane mode and send send ... ."burst transmitter" ... .if you have multiple people you want to text all at once ... .while it's in airplane mode, type out all your text, don't exit the app, they'll save as a draft, then go to the next person ... .type out the text, then turn off the airplane mode and hit send on each one ... .it's a pain but it'll help you stay dark when you need too.

Stay strong Knight ... .you're doing awesome job and are an example to others on how to go NC brother!  Stay safe ... .stay cool ... keep your humor

JQ

[Knight]

The phone messages have dropped off to one or two a day and I have no idea where she's been. She was living with her mom for the last year and I swooped her up for a week and brought her to my house at the end of December. The idea was we would live happily ever after but after lies and anger and tension it was a mess and I took her back after 10 days of mostly hell for me. Her ex had moved in for a few days so I took her to stay with a senior couple (she says but She lies so much) but then she says her ex moved in with her mom and she can't go back and is basically homeless now. No car no money etc.

I listened to some of the messages she left for me and one says she got a bus ticket to come back to me (400 miles). She didn't say when but insinuated it would be soon. She always takes mysteriously and is never crystal clear.

Now I'm basically terrified she will knock on the door unexpected and once she arrives she won't leave and tell me I promised we would be together the rest of out lives etc etc. I don't know if she is bluffing to get me to break NC or if she is serious. In the past she had said lots of scary threats to try to get me to break NC.

How do I get this nightmare to end?

If I reunite with her I know it will be extremely passionate and wonderful at first but it won't last and I will be in constant fear of her next outburst.

If she shows up she will be penniless and 400 miles from her moms.  It puts me in a position of lots of guilt.

[JQ]

Hey Knight!

Good to hear the phone messages are down to 1 or 2 a day ... .to me this is a positive sign given all the other chaos she has or is causing. Stay strong ... .

Remember that BPDs fear abandonment regardless if it's real or not due to their childhood trauma that happened to them. LISTEN ... .YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER OR HER FLYING MONKEY'S THAT CAUSE CHOAS AND ANXIETY!     My exBPDgf like your's told me some really incredible outrageous things in order to "APPEAR" to want to be with me or give me that impression.

Case in point ... .she had said to me on more then one occasion, "I want to be with you! I will give total custody of my 2 girls to my ex-husband so that we can be together!"  This was a   early in the relationship ... .I mean what mother would give total custody of her kids up in order to be with someone ... .instead of bobbing and weaving out of the relationship ... .I polished my 5 star badge, rode in on my white horse and white hat to save the day. I "talk reason" to her and told her I would try and be the best step dad to her kids, be the example, etc. etc. etc.  Well ... .less then a couple of days later she broke up with me yet again ... .the push pull behavior of a BPD.  IT NEVER ENDS!  

SO ... .I would not fear that she is going to show up on your door ... .at least 98% sure she won't ... .lets face it Knight ... .BPD is a mental illness that is almost completely unpredictable and when she opens the doors up to her flying monkey's expecting you to put them back in their cages ... .the ONLY thing you should do is smile and walk away knowing that there will NEVER be anything you can do to change her behavior ... .NOTHING!  YOU didn't Cause it! YOU can't Control it! YOU can't CURE IT!   She is saying the things she is in order for you polish up your 5 point star & ride in wearing your white hat Sheriff to save her from her own behavior.  

How do you end this nightmare? You have to have patience ... .and you've shown an incredible amount of it so far       You're doing what you need to do with your cell phone     I think you've locked down your FB account     You're going to maintain NC     Your NOT going to reach out to her, make contact, answer her text or email or voicemail     

She has lost control of you ... .and as we know a BPD needs to feel in control of every portion of their life ... .she is no different. You are not bowing to her needs or wants and this frustrates her ... .makes her act out ... .makes her do the things and say the things she is.  Remain in control of YOUR life!   If you were to open up the door as so much as a hair she is going to throw a wedge in in and the the chaos begins all over again.  

Will it ever end ... .my exBPDgf from 20 years ago still reaches out to me via texting "thanks to my BPD mother" giving her my number ... .I ended up blocking her number after she raged at me and sent ALL HER FREAKING FLYING MONKEY'S ON ME after I told her NO I'm not interested ... .NO I'm not going to sleep with you ... .NO to ever getting back together!  Her rages and temper tantrums of a 3 year old didn't work on me ... .so then she tried the sexual suggestions and being overly nice methods ... .and still I said NO!  I then found out how to block her number via a couple of apps and BAMM!  OWN WENT THE FLYING MONKEY'S!

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR HER ACTIONS! YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER OR HER ACTIONS!

Stay strong ... .be patient ... .your doing awesome!

JQ

[Knight]

Thanks JQ.  It is hard; because I want to fall into her request for just one more call for a few minutes.  She has something to tell me according to her texts.  She has surfaced from a few days of relative silence and now it's probably 60 texts a day and 20 phone calls a day for the last couple days. I think, "what if I call and tell her I don't want to talk any more".  But I know from past experience that if I contact her, she will squeeze back into my life.  She now has said she wants to earn money for a vehicle and a place of her own and for ad hd medicine before coming here, so I suppose the bus ticket was just another white lie in a string of hundreds of white lies.  And who has she been with for this last week?  When she was in my house, she was still talking to other men, while shaming me into not ever talking to any women.  She has separate rules for herself... .

Anyway, the current thing is she wants to talk for a few minutes on the phone (something to tell me), and she wants to get a vehicle etc before she arrives unwelcome at my door.  I am sure the story will change again and again.  I feel soo damn bad I can't help her, and I have been doing stuff for ME this last week which is what I need to do.  But I do feel bad about this whole mess.

[Knight]

I caved in and sent a few texts that should have made it clear that I choose not to talk to her any more and reminded her we already talked for hours and reminded her the main reasons why I choose not to talk to her.  Her immediate reaction was to debate the reasons and deny what she did.  But she also texted that she was hoping I would cool off after a period and then come back to her, but she realizes (I think) that I will not cool off and come back.  I made it clear I will not respond any more. 

[JQ]

Knight,

I know what you did was hard and you were thinking logically and tried to apply it to this situation. "She has something to tell me according to her text".   She did exactly what BPDs do as you indicated. You said, "Her immediate reaction was to debate the reasons and deny what she did"   You also said, "But she also texted that she was hoping I would cool off after a period and then come back to her" 

These are both classic BPD behaviors in an attempt to deny & deflect attention of their behavior to you and your behavior ... ."she also texted that she was hoping I would cool off after a period and then come back to her".    This is your fault because your upset not her fault for her behavior.  She doesn't realize that you're going to cool off and come back but it's IMHO an attempt to control you in order to make you feel bad and give you false sense of hope that things will be better if just give her yet another chance. yet you already know that it won't.

You have made it clear here that you're not going to contact her or respond to her anymore. So I would block her number on your phone ... .this will be an easier transition for you in NC. You don't have to ask the question,  "And who has she been with for this last week?"   You know it was the third leg of the triangle ... .another classic BPD behavior. Keep one on the hook if the current relationship doesn't work out and we all know it won't. She'll slowly paint him black and then the rage will start if they haven't already and he'll be in the position you are now and she'll start to paint you white, and the recycle starts all over yet again.

I know in your heart you want to believe ... .but in your mind you know what the truth is. BPD is a serious mental / behavioral illness that you can't Control and that you can't Cure. In your heart you are a good man ... .it's your nature to help others ... .you want to help her ... .but there are those out in the world that will take advantage of people like you and cause you pain and give your life nothing but chaos & drama.  You are on the right path ... .you want to heal from this learning lesson ... .you took a stumble today by texting her ... .it's ok ... .we've all done it. 

Here's a helping and up ... .let me dust you off ... .now I would really like to help you on your journey Knight ... .but this is yours to walk. Before you is a fork in the road ... .do you take the left fork in the road and continue down the road with her flying monkey's circling you from above waiting to wreak havoc and chaos in your life to satisfy her own needs and wants. Or do you take the right fork in the road and walk the path without the threat of pending attacks of flying monkey's ... .walking the path of new beginnings, new life experiences. Or are you going to sit right back down where you are and think about it some more ... .the choices are yours Knight ... .

Take a deep breath ... .relax ... .get some rest ... .eat something decent ... .and let us know how you're doing and what you choose to do ... .

JQ

[JaneStorm]

Knight,

I know what you did was hard and you were thinking logically and tried to apply it to this situation. "She has something to tell me according to her text".   She did exactly what BPDs do as you indicated. You said, "Her immediate reaction was to debate the reasons and deny what she did"   You also said, "But she also texted that she was hoping I would cool off after a period and then come back to her" 

These are both classic BPD behaviors in an attempt to deny & deflect attention of their behavior to you and your behavior ... ."she also texted that she was hoping I would cool off after a period and then come back to her".    This is your fault because your upset not her fault for her behavior.  She doesn't realize that you're going to cool off and come back but it's IMHO an attempt to control you in order to make you feel bad and give you false sense of hope that things will be better if just give her yet another chance. yet you already know that it won't.

You have made it clear here that you're not going to contact her or respond to her anymore. So I would block her number on your phone ... .this will be an easier transition for you in NC. You don't have to ask the question,  "And who has she been with for this last week?"   You know it was the third leg of the triangle ... .another classic BPD behavior. Keep one on the hook if the current relationship doesn't work out and we all know it won't. She'll slowly paint him black and then the rage will start if they haven't already and he'll be in the position you are now and she'll start to paint you white, and the recycle starts all over yet again.

I know in your heart you want to believe ... .but in your mind you know what the truth is. BPD is a serious mental / behavioral illness that you can't Control and that you can't Cure. In your heart you are a good man ... .it's your nature to help others ... .you want to help her ... .but there are those out in the world that will take advantage of people like you and cause you pain and give your life nothing but chaos & drama.  You are on the right path ... .you want to heal from this learning lesson ... .you took a stumble today by texting her ... .it's ok ... .we've all done it. 

Here's a helping and up ... .let me dust you off ... .now I would really like to help you on your journey Knight ... .but this is yours to walk. Before you is a fork in the road ... .do you take the left fork in the road and continue down the road with her flying monkey's circling you from above waiting to wreak havoc and chaos in your life to satisfy her own needs and wants. Or do you take the right fork in the road and walk the path without the threat of pending attacks of flying monkey's ... .walking the path of new beginnings, new life experiences. Or are you going to sit right back down where you are and think about it some more ... .the choices are yours Knight ... .

Take a deep breath ... .relax ... .get some rest ... .eat something decent ... .and let us know how you're doing and what you choose to do ... .

JQ

I am keeping this. Fantastic.

[Knight]

Thank you for helping me up.  My mind is remembering the good intimate times we had and that's what always happens.  I have never had such a passionate girlfriend.  The idealization of ME was ego boosting and validating and felt so powerful.  And when I think back to that it gives me hope.

But I also have to remember sitting in MY house and feeling like a hostage.  Feeling scared to talk; scared to be myself.  I have to remember the twisted accusations out of no where.  The sudden mood changes.  I am getting closer to realizing I will have to change my phone number to escape her phone-stalking.  That will be a pain in the rear to get everyone onto my new number, but it is probably going to end up happening.

Thanks again.

[JQ]

Thank you for helping me up.  My mind is remembering the good intimate times we had and that's what always happens.  I have never had such a passionate girlfriend.  The idealization of ME was ego boosting and validating and felt so powerful.  And when I think back to that it gives me hope.

But I also have to remember sitting in MY house and feeling like a hostage.  Feeling scared to talk; scared to be myself.  I have to remember the twisted accusations out of no where.  The sudden mood changes.  I am getting closer to realizing I will have to change my phone number to escape her phone-stalking.  That will be a pain in the rear to get everyone onto my new number, but it is probably going to end up happening.

Thanks again.

Good Morning Knight,

I look at your posts and I see a lot of the same things across the boards. You like a lot of us in here are NONs or codependents and by default are optimist, the glass is half full, forever positive looking at the good things. In part its learned behavior that WE learned growing up ... .we want to continue to work toward ANYTHING to make it perfect because it's who we are at the core. As a child we wanted one or both of our parents approval for anything we did ... .but sadly no matter how hard we tried we were never to be told "I'm proud of you", "Good job" ... .instead we constantly received negative feedback ... .it wasn't good enough. So we continued to "perfect our grades, our sport endeavors, our anything" but it was never good enough.

So you continue to remember the "good times" ... .we've all been there.  WE as NONs have had the passionate gf or bf that we FINLLY received the validating and ego boosting and we thought we had finally met our soulmate. Little did any of us know that what we actually found was someone who was serious mentally ill with BPD and the chaos and drama began shortly thereafter.  We shouldn't blame them ... .they grew up in a household much worse them most of us can imagine ... .they experienced trauma or traumas that none of us would ever want to think about. But their experiences ... .their trauma happened long before we were ever in the picture and there is NOTHING we can do to reverse the damage that it caused.  I commend you on your desire to want to save her ... .but sometimes things are beyond your control. What we can do is learn from this very expensive life lesson and grow as a person and move on to a more rewarding, mutually respectful, caring and loving relationship that we all want and certainly deserve.

I couldn't help but think back to my exBPDgf when you said, "I also have to remember sitting in MY house and feeling like a hostage.  Feeling scared to talk; scared to be myself.  I have to remember the twisted accusations out of no where.  The sudden mood changes"  This was a reality smack in the face for me and reminded me of my nightmare. It was mentally exhausting to be in any situation with her ... .I would be in a room, the car, wherever and with painful detail run what I about to say through my mind several times to evaluate it to see if there was ANYTHING that would trigger her.  I would replay the conversation several times in my head to make sure I wouldn't say anything that might be construed in the wrong way so I wouldn't have to defend myself when she would twist my words into some perverted accusation and she would let her flying monkey's out of their care to wreak chaos and havoc on what would of been an awesome day, date, moment, weekend. IT WAS SO STRESSFUL AND DEMEANING!  

Like you I woke up one morning and said I can't live like this anymore ... .I can't Cure her!  And from that moment it's been getting better each and everyday. No question it was tough ... .I miss the moments of passion and laughs and fun ... .but lets be honest with ourselves for a moment.  When you think about all the phone calls, the time shared in the car, the apt. wherever ... .how much was good and how much was wishing you could put on a parachute and jump out of this plane going down?  The longer the relationship went on the the more crazy and stressful things became and I"M SOO much better off now.

In regards to changing your phone number ... .it's MUCH EASIER then you think.   Go online to your provider ... .my happens to be Verizon. You can find the tab to change your number and actually pick from numbers that they give you. IT'S FREE!  And happens as soon as hit the submit button. NOW ... .for notifying all your friends of you new number ... .you will still have your contacts in your phone ... .you will be able to send a mass text saying, "this is XXX ... .this is my new number and I ask that you NOT give it out to anyone before checking with me" ... .or words to the affect.  Depending on the size of your contact list you can do this in several minutes and you can resend the notice a couple of times to ensure coverage. Yes I know there are several others that will need it ... .i.e. work, day care, emergency contacts ... .but overall it's not that bad of a process giving the alternative. Yes I speak from experience 

Stay strong ... .like I said ... .get out for that walk, bike ride ... .something physical to burn off some stress and get the good endorphins running in your body. Be sure to get outside to see the sun in your eyes as much as possible ... .having been stationed in the Seattle area I learned from professionals how important the Sun plays in your day to day positive mood!  Be sure you're calling old friends and catching up with them! Plan a weekend get away for a new perspective.  Be sure your eating right ... .stay away from the junk food ... .it's ok to have that piece of cake or pie every once in awhile ... .but be sure to walk that mile too!

Stay positive ! You're a smart guy! You are on the right path to a much better situation in the very near future!  IN 30 days it'll be soo much better then it is right now!

JQ

[Knight]

Thanks again JQ !  I feel the effect of texting her and it's giving me a huge literal headache.  I restated why we have to have no contact.  I did not ask how she was or where she was.  But nonetheless it hurts to think of her and what she must be going through.  You are right that I want to rescue her and make everything better.  That's the trap we fall in; finding someone vulnerable who needs a little help.  I was her hero for a short while, but the weird behavior always follows.  I am rambling I know... .She tells me how cold I am for walking away.  If she only knew how painful it really is.  When I dropped her off at the end of last month, I sat and laid with her (not sexual) for about an hour (her request).  Her and I both cried our eyes out when I walked away and drove away.  She blocked my exit and I had to squeeze past her crying like a baby.  There's a part of her that is so amazingly great.  And I have to lose her great part to escape from her awful part.  I know it's for the best.  I know it's for the best.  I will get through this.  Thanks again for everyone's support.  Thank you !

[JaneStorm]

Mine stated that he 'was not good for you (me)'. I felt like asking who he thinks he is good for and why not. He is reading all of the self-help/relationship crap I threw at the r/s NOW. That was in play before I knew what I was dealing with; of course he'd begin then reject it all. I will be happy if he sows one little seed and eases his suffering for the future in any way. I won't be around to find out.