Just got this text from the ex

[Anez]

We work together and don't talk anymore. Today I had to speak in front of everyone during a presentation. I didn't look at her but I know she was hearing me and seeing me being my confident, funny self.

Part of me expected to hear from her tonight. It has been a long time since she's reached out.

Well, in predictable BPD form... .she did:

"I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I hope you don't hate me and if you do that's okay also. I just wanted to say sorry for whatever that's worth."

I work with her so may reply with a quick thanks or whatever. In all honesty I don't hate her. Through working with my T I'm working on forgiveness ... .so I don't have the pain of hate weighing on my shoulders. I know her condition and I accept it.

And I also know she's reaching out for her, in classic BPD fashion. So if I do reply it won't be for a bit. I'm going to a friend's bday dinner tonight and I will enjoy that.

Thoughts?

[JerryRG]

Run, run as fast as you can!

I'm teasing but in my case getting as far away as possible is my only option. I cannot advise you what to do but be very careful and be very wise.

[fromheeltoheal]

Not replying at all would be the best, although I agree with you that since you work together it may be easier to reply with something minimal.  In that case I'd reply with "thank you", that's it.

[rfriesen]

Hi Anez,

Congrats on a great presentation! And even more so on working through things like forgiveness with your therapist. It can't be easy having to work with your ex.

It sounds like you're in a strong place emotionally and are secure in moving forward with your detachment. Given that you work with your ex, I understand why you would respond with a simple "thank you" in reply to her text. That sounds like a smart way to go about things. If you just ignore her and don't respond at all, that might hang over you a little at work.

Really, I think your idea of a short, simple, cordial reply makes a lot of sense. If you're comfortable with it, that shows her you're in a good place and don't need to hide from her. The only advice I would give is to continue reflecting on the feelings it might bring up to engage with her, even if only by way of a short response. She might follow that up with a more in-depth response, or go silent hoping you'll keep engaging and want more from her. Even though you're in a good place, that could bring up a lot of emotion. Why not see it as an opportunity to gauge your progress and how far you've come? Just be sure to keep checking in with yourself and, if your goal is detachment, not to lose sight of that.

[Rayban]

Hey Anez,

I sympathize with you. I also work with my BPDex and getting on with my life is made that much more difficult having to see her everyday.

A few thoughts on the text you received.  First off it came after she saw you being strong and confident even in her presence . Good on you. I suspect she was expecting the opposite.  If she would have seen you unphased and nervous, to her this would have been a sign that she still has some sense of control over you, and thus an attachment is still present.  Seeing the opposite triggers her abandonment fears. She cant handle that.

The text is just another way to get in your head. She wants you to ruminate over her and keep you thinking about her. Don't give her that satisfaction.  As mentioned by others, a simple thank you is suffice.

Going out and spending time with friendsis an excellent way of enjoying YOUR life and disregarding what she does with hers.

[elfyguy]

Hi Anez,

I think that if you contact her, you should keep in mind she's only thinking about herself. You may be concerned for her well-being and happiness. But, she only cares about her happiness and is unconsciously concerned about her abandonment issues. This is something you should keep in mind for every word that is uttered by her. That's not to say the BPD people can't love or don't tell the truth, but their moments are fleeting and manipulation so numerous. It's kinda like playing minesweeper without the numbers.

[Infern0]

That's such a stereotypical BPD ex type of text it's actually mildly amusing.

Tough one because if you are feeling good it's tempting to just be like "all good hope you are well" type of response, I've actually done that before
 
But then it can open Pandora box!

Never straightforward with these people

[rfriesen]

Great advice, elfyguy. If I can add a thought, I would just say that, for me, this is the key lesson:

That's not to say the BPD people can't love or don't tell the truth, but their moments are fleeting and manipulation so numerous

More so than this:

I think that if you contact her, you should keep in mind she's only thinking about herself. You may be concerned for her well-being and happiness.But, she only cares about her happiness and unconsciously concerned about her abandonment issues.

Rather, as you say in the first chunk quoted above, pwBPD can think about and care for others, even care intensely. But they tend to be extremely unstable in their emotions, so that intense feelings of love and caring can be replaced with intense feelings of rage and disgust very quickly. It's an important lesson to fully digest -- so long as we tell ourselves that pwBPD cannot care for others or feel for others, we'll be thrown off-balance when we see them expressing a real desire to connect and to share real feelings. And we then resort after-the-fact to convincing ourselves that it was "all fake" and conscious manipulation.

Yes, pwBPD (and all other human beings to varying extents, too) sometimes resort to fully conscious manipulation. But what's distinctive about pwBPD and what can make them so powerfully seductive is that they often have intense feelings of love and of a need to connect with others. Those feelings are real for them and overwhelming. When they reach out to us in that way, it exerts a powerful pull. If we've experienced that pull, followed eventually by a push away, followed by a pull, followed by push, etc etc ... .then we need to recognise the pattern. That doesn't mean the feelings aren't real when they're expressed. It simply means there's a pattern of instability in those feelings, and as hard as it can be, we need to steady ourselves against being pulled back in ... .only to be pushed away again. After a while, the cycle becomes damaging for both parties.

[elfyguy]

I'm fairly new at the whole BPD thing so any feedback is welcome.

Rather, as you say in the first chunk quoted above, pwBPD can think about and care for others, even care intensely.

I do think that I am correct on my stance, however, it may have to be interpreted a bit differently. I think that pwBPD are intensely thinking about their happiness first when it comes to abandonment issues, even if it's not a conscious thought. Judging from the last email I received from my ex and some things she said during the relationship, I concluded that she didn't even connect with me or like me. Her abandonment issues were so entrenched and overwhelming, it forego any reasoning to determine if she actually loved me at all. Hence why I said, her happiness, or obsession, if you like, comes first.

[rfriesen]

I'm fairly new at the whole BPD thing so any feedback is welcome.

A relationship with a pwBPD can be an extremely disorienting and confusing experience. It takes a long time to process and we all ultimately reach our own conclusions. The feedback we all give and receive here is definitely a huge help along the way!

I concluded that she didn't even connect with me or like me. Her abandonment issues were so entrenched and overwhelming, it forego any reasoning to determine if she actually loved me at all.

I'm not familiar with your story, but I can certainly sympathise with these feelings and can understand how an experience with a BPD relationship might give rise to them. The only thing I would suggest is that, as you keep processing the experience, keep reflecting on whether these statements, in such absolute terms, are really true to your own experience. When you say she didn't connect with you or like you, what precisely do you mean by "connect" and "like"? What counts, for you, as connecting with someone and truly liking them? Did you not share any happy moments? Laughs, kisses, tears? Or are you saying that you shared those, but that it takes more, in your mind, to really connect?

In my relationship with my ex, there were times when my ex expressed such rage and hatred for me that I felt it negated all the love and laughter and tenderness that we had shared in so many other moments. But eventually I realised that I was measuring her emotions and feelings against a standard of consistency and stability that she simply was unable to meet. Her inner world is too unstable and fleeting. So sometimes she hated me. And that's very hard to accept, because I wouldn't say I ever hate someone I like or love. I might get frustrated, hurt, irritable, etc ... .but I have never felt the intense rage and disgust she expressed. It's very hard to understand how someone can both love you intensely in some moments and detest you in others. So sometimes we find it easier just to conclude that they never really loved us at all. And, possibly, that may be what you finally conclude. More often, though, these relationships involved moments of real connection, followed by a period of devaluation that makes us wonder whether there was ever any connection at all. In order to learn and grow from these experiences, it's worth spending some time working through these conflicting feelings.

Hence why I said, her happiness, or obsession, if you like, comes first.

Again, this may be a fair statement. But it can be worth reflecting carefully on what you really mean in formulating it this way. When you say, "comes first", do you mean that's what came into her consciousness first? That she planned her actions with her happiness foremost in mind? Or that she always placed most weight on her happiness? Or simply that the relationship ultimately devolved because she made too many demands, had too many needs of her own that she wanted satisfied?

[elfyguy]

A relationship with a pwBPD can be an extremely disorienting and confusing experience. It takes a long time to process and we all ultimately reach our own conclusions. The feedback we all give and receive here is definitely a huge help along the way!

Indeed

I Did you not share any happy moments? Laughs, kisses, tears? Or are you saying that you shared those, but that it takes more, in your mind, to really connect?

---

More often, though, these relationships involved moments of real connection, followed by a period of devaluation that makes us wonder whether there was ever any connection at all. In order to learn and grow from these experiences, it's worth spending some time working through these conflicting feelings.

I know she loved me for the 6 years we were together. The beginning, especially, I was more like an obsession - she even stalked me. I don't doubt everything she felt was real to her. The question that I pose is how genuine was the relationship as a whole? I think pwBPD have an obscure vision of people as either good or bad. So, while we fit into that good characteristic we are their "rock" as my ex would say. However, like any addiction, the addiction has to come first. When we can't satisfy their need, they dissociate from us. So, how real was it? I suppose an analogy would be to ask an alcoholic what alcohol he wants while he's craving his next fix. I don't think he cares. I'm not saying my ex was lying all the time, I think she told me things she never told anyone. I think she loved me to her best ability and I her. But, I don't really know if she likes whisky, rum or cider  I'm more a cider guy myself. I don't think she knows herself.

Again, this may be a fair statement. But it can be worth reflecting carefully on what you really mean in formulating it this way. When you say, "comes first", do you mean that's what came into her consciousness first? That she planned her actions with her happiness foremost in mind? Or that she always placed most weight on her happiness? Or simply that the relationship ultimately devolved because she made too many demands, had too many needs of her own that she wanted satisfied?

All the above. I don't think it's entirely conscious. It's like my need to click my fingers or my past obsession(hopefully) with women that are emotionally unstable.

[Anez]

Thank you all for your feedback. It's greatly appreciated.  I texted my T, who knows a lot about BPD, about it and here's what he said:

I know that you know this but I'm going to say it anyway. Or text as a hook trying to pull you in to rescue her from whatever uncomfortable feeling she's having after seeing you strong and confident.

Careful not to let yourself get pulled into   A conversation about it. And also try not to get pulled into the fantasy that " we can be friends and I miss hanging out with you"
If it were me, I might say something like "thanks for your text. You know I wish you only the best. "
To me that says that I'm over you and don't need to talk about what happened and you don't really occupy even enough importance in my mind for me to be hurt or angry.


I ended up texting what he suggested. She replied that she wished me the best and then I deleted the text thread.

I've wanted to hear from her for so long. I finally did and I reacted the way I needed to, for me. I'm proud of myself.

Thank you, guys.

[JerryRG]

In my experience there's always reward for doing what's right, it may not show up immediately but it always shows up eventually. And how rare I do the right things consistently but I can and will keep trying to build character and not worry as much about my comfort.

I would be proud of myself if I were you too, Anez

[elfyguy]

Well done Anez. Sorry for hijacking the thread 

[Anez]

Haha no prob, elfyguy. I've been there!

And thank you jerry.

Is there a part of me that wants to text her and spark a convo and build something from it and see her this weekend and sleep with her and have fun? Yup, of course.

But that wouldn't be good for me and deep down I know it and I'm glad I now know it.

It just takes time,  guys.

[rfriesen]

Sounds like a huge step forward and that you're rightly proud of the way you handled things.

It takes real strength to both acknowledge the pull you still feel towards her and nonetheless maintain your boundaries and do what you know is best for your own well-being in the long run.

Inspiring stuff! 

[Anez]

She wasn't at work today so I didn't have to run into her.

Been thinking a lot about the text she sent, which she must love. But it's really just sadness that I feel that it was a relationship that I enjoyed that will never be what it could have been because of her condition.

I think she has a good heart, I do. It's just too bad she's so screwed up mostly from things that happened in her youth that she had no control over.

But my focus continues to be on my growth and my feelings. There are other fish in the sea, as they say, and I'm looking forward to one day being in a relationship with someone special who can handle a relationship.

[Rayban]

In my experience there's always reward for doing what's right, it may not show up immediately but it always shows up eventually. And how rare I do the right things consistently but I can and will keep trying to build character and not worry as much about my comfort.

I would be proud of myself if I were you too, Anez

You are right Jerry Doing the right thing on a consistent bases builds character, self-esteem and the ability to stop personal boundries from being crushed by other people.  

It's a work in progress for me, but I am trying and definitely improving  

Anez


I know what you mean by our minds sometimes thinking well it won't be too bad if I just ... .Speak with her, or just go to lunch with her, or hook up with. It's not bad, it's distructive to our lives.  Being able to finally understand and refrain from the urge to re-engage feels amazing  because it is the right thing to do for us.

[Dhand77]

Great job, Anez. It's been a helluva year, pal. It's great to see that you're handling this really well. You keep it up, dude.

You're doing great.

[JQ]

A,

Well done!  You've come along way on your journey and YOU should be proud of YOU!  You are a good example for others letting them know that there is life after BPD & your proof of that!

You said, "But my focus continues to be on my growth and my feelings." This is a HUGE step forward in YOUR healing and moving forward. I remember when I told you, "This has been & will ALWAYS be about you!".  You have learned those valuable lessons and you continue to learn & improve yourself. You deleted her text and are going out to a birthday party. More things directed at YOUR happiness & doing things for YOU in YOUR life! 

Well done! Stay strong! Congratulations on your success! Enjoy your party!

J

[valet]

I think its alright to say thanks, as long as you're comfortable with that... .and also the potential for her to try and communicate more.

Do you think you have the skills to set up some boundaries if she pushes?

[Anez]

Thanks JQ! I've ruminated a bit on e etything since getting that text but that's ok. I've also been able to learn more about myself from it and the strength I've gained over the months so that's good.

Valet, she only responded by saying basically what is said and then that was it. I don't think she'll push any more. I think her seeing me being myself and making the whole company laugh really got her brain going and it has probably since passed and I'm back out of her brain. My response gave her nothing to feed of of.

There's still a part of me that's sad about this whole failed relationship and that's ok, too. The bigger part of me understands more of why it failed and was destined to always fail.

Just gotta keep pushing through.

[fromheeltoheal]

My response gave her nothing to feed of of.

Which is why it was ideal Anez, and good for you!

[Anez]

I just saw her at work from across the office for the first time since the text last Thursday. And now I can hear her talking and laughing while sitting in the lounge near my desk having lunch with her new office friends.

The first thoughts were the good thoughts and now I'm backing them up with the whole picture. The discard, the ignoring me, the way she acted in the office in the days and weeks after the discard. Her inability to talk to me about it all in the days after because the thought of talking to me gave her "too much anxiety."

So she's laughing and having fun at lunch but I know there's a big part of her that feels pain. Maybe some pain about me but probably more pain that her brain will never allow her to have the life she wants to have.

And I know that she isn't good for me. That I'm good for me. though those good feelings still come and create some anxiety in my head and heart. But they aren't as strong as they once were and they will continue to work their way through me and out of me.

that's where I'm at right now. today. 

[bunny4523]

I ended up texting what he suggested. She replied that she wished me the best and then I deleted the text thread.

I've wanted to hear from her for so long. I finally did and I reacted the way I needed to, for me. I'm proud of myself.

Thank you, guys.

I'm so glad to hear that!  Thank you for sharing.  Very good indifferent response - not much for a BPD to attach to there.  Great advice from your therapist.

[kc sunshine]

You sound like you are in such a good place with it all, Anez. It is so good to hear.

[Anez]

Thanks, KC! There are still some feelings but I understand all of it so much more now and I'm able to keep getting better.

You keep pushing forward, too. It's hard, boy do I know that. Be proud of yourself for the progress you're making. You got this!

[Anez]

Just went to a going away dinner for a coworker and my ex was there. I had two beers, a little food, paid my tab, hugged my coworker who's leaving and left without saying a word to my ex. It was our first time near each other in a group setting and it triggered me so I did what was best for me.

It put me on my heels a little bit but I'm ok. Just another step to get through. And a learning experience - feel like doing what's best for you and do it.

She barely knows the person who's leaving, knows I worked closely with the woman who was leaving and just had to show up.

[Rayban]

Just went to a going away dinner for a coworker and my ex was there. I had two beers, a little food, paid my tab, hugged my coworker who's leaving and left without saying a word to my ex. It was our first time near each other in a group setting and it triggered me so I did what was best for me.

It put me on my heels a little bit but I'm ok. Just another step to get through. And a learning experience - feel like doing what's best for you and do it.

She barely knows the person who's leaving, knows I worked closely with the woman who was leaving and just had to show up.

Hey Anez

You handled it perfectly.  You were there out of respect for a coworker.  It's the right thing to do.

Her on the other hand barely knowing the coworker, was likely there to tempt you. It would have been the perfect setting to re-engage you.

I'm learning that any interaction with my ex will set me back. Even a small exchange.  You did well to avoid that. Be proud Anez, you couldn't have handled it any better.




 

[Anez]

Thanks, Rayban. I'm not gonna lie - i wanted to leave the first second I saw her there. but i sat down far away from her (we had a really long table) and just talked with those around me. I texted my best friend just to get the feelings off my chest. he wrote back "Why not leave? F it if you aren't feeling it. You are under no obligation to grind out crappy nights or be in the presence of people who acitvate you."

he was right and that got me on my way of taking my power and doing what I wanted to do with it. and that was to leave.

it and she have been on my mind since then but i'm working through it and seeing her whole, sad, destructive, unstable story.

[anothercasualty]

Hi Anez,

I think that if you contact her, you should keep in mind she's only thinking about herself. You may be concerned for her well-being and happiness. But, she only cares about her happiness and is unconsciously concerned about her abandonment issues. This is something you should keep in mind for every word that is uttered by her. That's not to say the BPD people can't love or don't tell the truth, but their moments are fleeting and manipulation so numerous. It's kinda like playing minesweeper without the numbers.

Truth. Reading other's posts that say what I should already know deep down is so helpful!

[Anez]

You're right, another. My T and I talked about it last week and i told him "her reaching out had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her." My T nodded is head and agreed.

it's just who they are.