learning about partner's sexual trauma

[LoneRanger307]

Has anyone else had a partner who had incest/sexual trauma in childhood? My partner started doing trauma work in therapy and has all this new information about his childhood that I did not know before. He never told anyone. I have asked that he not tell me all the specific details, as I don't know if I could handle that information. Curious to hear from anyone else who has dealt with something similar.

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[waverider]

It is very common, it is also very difficult to get at the real facts, hence the details are not necessarily that important but rather the emotional impact is the main issue

[LoneRanger307]

So would you recommend I just focus on talking about the emotional impact with him? He had been ready to discuss the details in therapy and then was upset when I did not want to hear the specifics.

[Steps31]

Sometimes you just want a friend in the trenches of pain.

[Harri]

He never told anyone. I have asked that he not tell me all the specific details, as I don't know if I could handle that information.

For the person who was sexually abused, after a long silence of keeping it in, there can be a need to tell others and share their pain.  

How did he respond when you asked him not to tell you?

[Masang M]

I’m new to this site, but I have many years experience with a spouse with incest/sexual trauma. When my H first told me about it I suggested therapy, much like you he wanted to tell me the details, I told him I didn’t need to know but I could still there for him without knowing. He was upset at first but he came to realize that I didn’t need to know and I can still be there for him. Just knowing it happened and believing it happened can be enough. In my experience that was all he really wanted was to know I believed what he said.

[LoneRanger307]

For the person who was sexually abused, after a long silence of keeping it in, there can be a need to tell others and share their pain.  

How did he respond when you asked him not to tell you?

We had talked around it on our own a fair a bit before therapy. Ages when it happened, general number of times, surrounding events. In therapy when I explained that I did not want the details, he got quiet, said he had to pee, and left for a few minutes. My therapist told me he looked devastated. We haven't talked much about it since.

I worry that the details will mirror things in our initmate life. Like I know back runs were a piece of it, and he used to give me back rubs all the time.   I have asked for them a few times since finding out (it's one aspect of physical closeness I feel I can accept right now). I always check that it is ok with him and ask how he's feeling, but then I feel guilty.

[LoneRanger307]

I’m new to this site, but I have many years experience with a spouse with incest/sexual trauma. When my H first told me about it I suggested therapy, much like you he wanted to tell me the details, I told him I didn’t need to know but I could still there for him without knowing. He was upset at first but he came to realize that I didn’t need to know and I can still be there for him. Just knowing it happened and believing it happened can be enough. In my experience that was all he really wanted was to know I believed what he said.

Thank you for sharing. How did this affect the intimacy between you?

[Masang M]

Physical intimacy has never been an issue, emotional intimacy is where most of our problems are.
Does your therapist think you should hear the details? Once my H started healing from his trauma he agreed that I didn’t need those images in my head as well. We both agree the details are what therapy is for.