Attachment Styles

[marv1995]

What attachment style did your exwBPD have? I noticed mine was more avoidant than anything.

[grumpydonut]

Disorganised.

[Ad Meliora]

Avoidant, 100%.  Usually she would withdraw, but every now and again she would become a piñata of rage, and explode!

[grumpydonut]

I'm not privy to this theory (and currently way too tired to research it) but I'd assume the majority of BPD sufferers have disorganised attachment?

The only reason I say that (and again, a simple Google search probably proves me wrong, haha) is that they don't have clear strategies to sooth themselves, rather they do confusing and confounding things (just like the children in the "Strange Situation" that is used to examine attachment styles).

BPD push and pull, and confuse the hell out of people. That's likely due to a number things (such as their impulsiveness and emotional dysregulation) but also due to them having no clear attachment strategy - thus, disorganised.

[marv1995]

Hey grumpy, I always suspected disorganized because of the push/pull, but he definitely has more of the avoidant. My attachment style depends on who I'm with. With my secure ex, I was secure. With my exwBPD, I was anxious. With one of my ex's that was also anxious, I eventually became avoidant. Yay for me haha.

[Dad50]

Mine was engulfment. We couldn't spend one second apart or it meant I didn't love her or even worse, chose someone else over her!

I would see her 7 days a week, all day long on days I spent at her house, and go over there 5 times a day on days I was at my house. I asked her if I could have one night a week to myself. Still seeing her and making time for her 4 times during the day instead of 5, and it flipped her out.

During covid I officed at home. I would ask if I could come over and do my work at her place at 10 am instead of 9 am. Give my kids an extra hour of sleep before dropping them at their mom's.  Asking for just one extra hour at home. Nope. That meant I was somehow choosing my kids instead of her. Even though we were about to have five straight days of 24/7 togehter. I couldn't ask for one extra hour

[Ad Meliora]

Here's a list of 3 styles from this forum.  There's more as Grumpy points out.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279028.0

How about you?  I'm Secure.  The only thing that doesn't ring true here is viewing relationships as not a lot of work.  Boy, can they be.  Especially if your partner has a PD!

I tried 3 times to introduce her to family.  Excuses, excuses.  My mom said, 'Don't ask her again. If she wanted to meet, she would've jumped at it the first ask.'  I think that's right.