It's supposed to get easier...

[Soulcrushed4]

After a failed relationship with my dBPDex we are headed to court regarding our child.

At the lowest point in my life I feel like I am needing to draw  emotional resources that just aren't available.

The history sounds like many other posts I've read - his lying, serial cheating, double life, stealing, rages,  various addictions, push/pull etc. After yet another affair exposed and more lies Attempts at mediation resulted in him doing a suicide countdown with threats and attempts to then sadly  using the eventual mental health diagnosis as the latest excuse for acting out. He often told me he would bankrupt me, simply would drag out any court process, and that I would be alone raising our child. It took me a while to realize I was practically raising our child alone anyway as he was too busy living his double life and pursing alternate desires of the moment.

In the end I had to request a protection order which is in place for a year as his behaviour was so out of control and he was acting out with our child present and threatening to let my other kids see him be arrested. He advised me I am the family killer and relationship killer and accused me of vile things over email and of course withholding HIS child.

The level of shame, humiliation, heartache, and anger is astounding.

He did not respect the protection order and ended up charged with criminal harassment and now multiple breaches and disobeying a court order.

From the sounds of things at our last court appearance he seemed convinced the charges will simply be traded for a peace bond - so ultimately he hasn't broken stride in the focus being  his hookups, attention seeking and new supply sources. All the while of course claiming to love me.

In response to the family court paperwork his only concerns were not having to pay table amount of child support, special expenses and that he wants to only give 24 hours notice to see our child.

He stopped paying anything financially upon receipt of the protection order. A couple months later made a few partial payments - nowhere close to covering child support or anything towards daycare. Then stopped again when he spent a few nights in jail for breaching the order again.

It's rather frustrating to be told to get the protection order or there is nothing the police can do. Then getting it and seeing he has no real consequences for breaching it almost every day over a 3.5 month period.

It alsmost almost feels like I am the one on house arrest - released for work then back to being a mom and confined to the home with a curfew of kids bedtime and all. I'm the one that spent money on the mediator and the original lawyer to get nowhere and now paying for counselling and attempting court on my own and doing all the emotional financial etc for our son where he gets free counselling and endless support from the mental health/addictions  community and doesn't have to post bail etc. No one seems to understand I can't afford a babysitter for relief, have no family support, and can't afford a lawyer as I have to keep my kids fed clothed and sheltered and in daycare so I can work to continue to try to make ends meet.

Each court appearance date both for his criminal charges and our family stuff seems to trigger me as they approach.

Our child has finally  stopped looking at the door for daddy. However still goes up to men of the same build/look/features when we are out as if checking and it breaks my heart all over again.

[livednlearned]

Soulcrushed4,

The early parts of disentangling a relationship with kids and family court involved are bad  

You have a lot of strength to hold things together, on your own without help, meanwhile trying to protect your child from his own dad. It's a special group who have experienced that, and while I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I'm glad you found the site for support.

And yes, there are sobering limits to what courts can do, especially family law court. It is an eye opener to learn that the person who will enforce the court orders is you!

Is it your dBPDex who believes that his charges will be traded for a peace bond? Or your lawyer who says that?

About child support -- every state does it different (if you are in the US). Where I live, it's a surprisingly well-oiled machine with an office set up to garnish wages and whatnot. Do you have that where you live?

It's heartbreaking about how our kids feel throughout all of this. Learn everything you can about validation -- I wish I had begun sooner to help my son process intense and overwhelming feelings about his dad. You can raise emotionally resilient kids altho there is a bit of a learning curve for many of us as we apply the lessons to our own emotional lives.

When is your next court date?

LnL

[Soulcrushed4]

We are in Canada and have  provincial programs in place for the support order... .once there is one. Not that they do much as I know other single moms owed thousands and nothing happens since the deadbeat simply works for cash, doesn't file taxes or changes jobs to avoid garnishment.

Fines don't matter to him - he simply doesn't pay them. Orders don't matter he violates or ignores them. He was ordered to provide financials to me two weeks prior to our next appearance - ignored. Our next appearance is later this week and the following week is his criminal appearance.


He only paid his previously ordered child support from the other family he destroyed with me refusing to have anything to do with a deadbeat (part of his original big lie about being divorced in the first place as he wasn't and didn't get divorced until I found out he wasn't).
Upon getting served the protection order he advised he "went stupid" and stole a bunch of stuff from his employer at the time (likely to pay for a binge) and "couldn't pay child support " for any of his kids because he had to pay the employer back to avoid jail. Upon me telling him I could care less if he lands in jail he sent some money then stopped when he kept breaching and spent a weekend in jail.

Funny enough he had money for the dates he was setting up/going on and the sites he was using to hook up. But doesn't seem to grasp the message that sends.

Him and his criminal  lawyer (who oddly enough appeared at our family proceeding) seemed convinced about the peace bond trade off and the crown originally indicated that would likely be the way it would go since his stalking and criminal harassment and all factors ie mental illness addiction history etc. But that was prior to multiple additional breaches so who knows. He seems to have circled back to the same addictions group he lied to before and landed himself some new pawns to lend him credibility and is very good at charming and playing the victim.

I since the diagnosis was trying to get things lined up and weigh the pros and cons of staying vs leaving as my biggest fear was him being awarded unsupervised access or parenting time with our child and what would happen - unfortunately everything ended up going differently when he (by his own admission) started using the diagnosis as an excuse to act out.

[ForeverDad]

I'm sorry to hear about your predicament.  He is what he is, now that he has the excuse he's living down to his lowered expectations.  He's an adult, likely no one will stop him from sabotaging his life.  But when it comes to you and your children, yes, you need to have firm boundaries.  Don't feel sorry for him.  Don't hide or dismiss any of his poor behaviors.  Let him face his (eventual) consequences.

Since you have concerns about him having parenting time without supervision or strict controls, then you have reason to hold to those requirements.  Yes, court may overrule you to some extent but you don't have to agree to deals about which you have concerns.  If he is using orders or evaluations as an excuse to act out, it only validates your concerns.

Remember too, he actions are not new.  He did the same thing in his prior marriage. As is sometimes quoted here, the best indicator of the future is the past.