Divorcing ex BPD, working with similar attorney.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hey all,

Working through a divorce with my exBPD and her attorney and trying to get some forward movement toward settlement. At each attempt I face a new barrage of personal attacks from her counsel. No substantive exchange or meaningful attempts to resolve key issues. It's getting especially intense lately as I try to be firm and assertively move things forward.

I'm feeling a bit worn out at the moment and since it's been a while since my last post I thought I would turn here for tips and advice to keep focused, clear headed, and emotionally strong.

I have tried almost everything to work with her attorney to resolve matters, gentle nudging, being firm, calling out inappropriate threats or insults. One thing doesn't work is calling out her attorney's conduct. That seems to really rile things up. So will have to figure out a way to point out when it's inappropriate without it being interpreted as blame or criticism.

But as far as getting things resolved, so far nothing has worked. I guess I just need to keep on being consistent rather than alternating approaches

Any tips would be very appreciated to gracefully move things forward without all the crazy?

Thanks all!

[Dorian211]

Hey all,

Working through a divorce with my exBPD and her attorney and trying to get some forward movement toward settlement. At each attempt I face a new barrage of personal attacks from her counsel. No substantive exchange or meaningful attempts to resolve key issues. It's getting especially intense lately as I try to be firm and assertively move things forward.

I'm feeling a bit worn out at the moment and since it's been a while since my last post I thought I would turn here for tips and advice to keep focused, clear headed, and emotionally strong.

I have tried almost everything to work with her attorney to resolve matters, gentle nudging, being firm, calling out inappropriate threats or insults. One thing doesn't work is calling out her attorney's conduct. That seems to really rile things up. So will have to figure out a way to point out when it's inappropriate without it being interpreted as blame or criticism.

But as far as getting things resolved, so far nothing has worked. I guess I just need to keep on being consistent rather than alternating approaches

Any tips would be very appreciated to gracefully move things forward without all the crazy?

Thanks all!

[Turkish]

What kinds of personal attacks is her attorney engaging in and what does yours say? This sounds personal rather than professional from what you are saying. 

[ForeverDad]

Is her lawyer echoing stbEx's stories and claims?  Many pwBPD are convincing liars and manipulators.  Perhaps your lawyer needs to tell her lawyer to "cut it out" if there is no proof.  There won't be a settlement until the stbEx's unsubstantiated allegations are largely put aside.

[GaGrl]

What exactly is your legal representation situation? Why are you so close to these accusations as opposed to someone handling them for you?

[flourdust]

If you don't have your own attorney, you need one. My wife hired an attorney who mirrored her in many ways -- bringing the drama, the emotional assaults, the disorganization. My own attorney mirrored me -- he was calm, rational, and organized. When a judge or mediator was involved, they tended to dismiss the emotional (but unsubstantiated) claims of her attorney and were receptive to the reasonable arguments of mine.

[Slate78]

We treated BM's attorney the same way we treated her - ignored all the irrelevant, emotional garbage and focussed on getting the business done. It was so hard to do, so hard to look past the lies etc - but BM picked an attorney who was just like herself and anytime we responded to the lies, it made everything worse and wasted so much time and money. We ended every letter with "may we please hear from you by x time" and generally we started to hear the day after or the week after - passive aggressive enough that she wouldn't comply with what we asked, but also managed to get a date in their heads that at least somewhat kept us on track when dealing with their disorganisation. IT's so hard -  but validate the valid and ignore the rest.

[Dorian211]

We ended every letter with "may we please hear from you by x time" and generally we started to hear the day after or the week after - passive aggressive enough that she wouldn't comply with what we asked, but also managed to get a date in their heads that at least somewhat kept us on track when dealing with their disorganization. IT's so hard -  but validate the valid and ignore the rest.

Yeah, that describes my situation perfectly. It's so hard, and all this is so unnecessary and emotionally draining. And unfortunately after 1 year of attorney fees, I am no longer in a financial position to be able to afford counsel. 

Her attorney is very disorganized, doesn't read documents or proposals we've sent, and doesn't remember to follow up.  Seems like the only way to get things done is file something with the court and let the clock run out till she has to deal with it.  I'm to get a trial setting hearing on the books and let them know that I'll plan on taking action regularly every 7 days if I don't receive evidence that we are reaching agreement on key issues.  Will keep everyone posted!