Trying to let it go and have no expectations

[Parents! Get help here!]

Well since Sunday my d has been on a continuous path of no effort no school work. It's driving my dear sweet husband insane. I keep trying to remind him and myself too not to have any expectations of her. If we have no expectations she can't let us down! That way if she does accomplish something it's a nice treat! It's hard. So hard but for the last two days I've barely said anything to her about school work. Just the occasional " what are you working on?"  I'm tryi g so hard not to be on her case bc I'm the one who gets hurt by her noncompliance. She doesn't care at all. My hubby is having such a hard time lately with her inaction. But at least I'm trying to step back. That's got to count for something right?

Anyway... .  

Peace everyone and thanks from the depths of my heart for always listening.

[almostvegan]

Well since Sunday my d has been on a continuous path of no effort no school work. It's driving my dear sweet husband insane. I keep trying to remind him and myself too not to have any expectations of her. If we have no expectations she can't let us down! That way if she does accomplish something it's a nice treat! It's hard. So hard but for the last two days I've barely said anything to her about school work. Just the occasional " what are you working on?"  I'm tryi g so hard not to be on her case bc I'm the one who gets hurt by her noncompliance. She doesn't care at all. My hubby is having such a hard time lately with her inaction. But at least I'm trying to step back. That's got to count for something right?

Anyway... .  

Peace everyone and thanks from the depths of my heart for always listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

AV:  I so remember being there and stepping back really does help.  It was so hard for me and all I wanted to do was motivate her and get her to do something.  The more I tried the harder it got for me because I was always let down in the end.  If you can try to keep reminding yourself that her inaction is something that eventually she will have to deal with that might help.  Separating ourselves from our children is so hard for some of us.  It was horrible for me. 

My H also had a very difficult time dealing with this and I found that his exasperation with her would cause him to snap at me.  Why did I park so close to the house, why do I splash water on the mirror when I brush my teeth, one time he even told it annoyed him the way I put things in the garbage pail.  He is very lucky his head didn't end up in the garbage as well.  Finally I took him out to dinner and sat him down and said I know how hard this is but we cannot let this destroy us.  I know you are overwhelmed and sad but lets make a deal when we are feeling bad to share the truth. I am good at this because I learned so much in DBT about expressing my feelings, he is not.  I told him that we have to be a team and that it feels bad enough to feel like I have failed as a mom, please don't make me fell like I have failed as a wife too. 

Our communication is better now.  Not perfect and we have our moments but it has helped.  He also can remind me when I am getting to invested in what she is NOT doing to step back.

And BTW thanks for being there when I need you to and always listening.

Griz

[Reality]

He is very lucky his head didn't end up in the garbage as well.

griz,

You are too funny!

almostvegan,

Tough situation for you and husband.  Yikes!  I hope things improve. 

Reality

[LearningToAccept]

Thank you Griz for sharing that story. You have helped me tremendously by doing so. Sometimes I am at a loss of words when dh and I discuss dd28. I sometimes feel he feels left out the poor thing. Out kids can consume every second of our lives if we let them.

I will test your words with dh next time we have a talk. I feel like you were describing my dh when you wrote of yours.

Learning

[cfh]

Griz,

So true and we've had plenty of those "garbage pail" moments!  It's good to laugh.

[mikmik]

my garbage pail moment is more realted to someone "reorganizing the dishwasher" after I fill it.

We all have such strong emotions that we try our best to contain, that are fuled by the cruelity of BPD.  It has to come out somewhere, so we lash out on the strongest person next to us, be it our husband or wife.  Does this sound familiar?  How our BPD kids lash out at us?  Something overwhelms them and they snap.  Just as we do.  Lightbulb moment for mik.

Though I hate dealing with BPD on a daily basis with my dd, I would hate even more, to be her.

You are all wonderful women!

mik