exUBPDbf is most likely starting a r/s with my sponsee from Al-anon

[Tsultan]

Hi, I wasn't sure where to put this post but here goes the story of which I am struggling with and need support and/or advice:

About 3 months ago a member from an al-anon group that I go to asked me to be her sponsor.  I agreed to support her.  I'll call her "K".  K attends an al-anon meeting my exUBPDbf goes to very regularly which happens to be the same one I met him at, and get this, he asked K if she would be the GR (Group Representative) of that meeting several month ago.  It's a 3 year commitment to the meeting and the GR attends District meetings and will report back to the group any information that comes down from the District and higher groups (state and world info. from al-anon).  She is fairly new to Al-anon and typically, a GR is someone who has a few years under their belt before taking on a service position of this level so I thought it was odd that he asked her.  I would think that he knows this as he has been a member of AA and Al-anon for in the 30 year range. The GR typically has a solid understanding of the steps and traditions and guides the group to follow those at the meeting.  In order to have a strong understanding of these that takes some time and lots of meetings to get a handle on them.  About a couple years typically at minimum.  She does not have a clear understanding of the steps and traditions.  From working with her I know this.  

So, a few weeks ago which would have been a year that we broke up I went to that meeting because I thought I might be strong enough to go but I wasn't expecting to see what I saw. Well, K was sitting next to my exUBPDbf and they were in close proximity sort of and she shared a story about her son not wanting much contact with her and how upset that was to her which is understandable.  This is what we do in the support groups is support each other by sharing our stories.  Anyway, after the meeting he embraced her for what I would say was a longer period than what I would call a supportive hug.  It was difficult for me to witness and I felt very jealous and hurt and upset after the meeting.

I met with my sponsee, K the following week for a walk and ice cream. I thought it was time to talk to her about this so I shared that that I had dated my exUBPDbf off and on for 3 1/2 years and that we broke off a year ago.  I also said as kindly and respectfully with him in mind that I thought he might have BPD and that it was difficult for me to go to the meeting with him there and that I would not be able to attend that meeting anymore for awhile.  She shared with me that she already knew this b/c my exUBPDbf told her that we were a couple at one time.  Her comment to him was "Well, that shouldn't be a problem I don't think?"  Now, I am thinking that was kind of an odd thing for her to say, a problem for what?  She also shared with me that he is calling her between meetings to talk about his recent loss of his Dad.  She is married, and has recently lost about 15 to 20 lbs which is usually a sign that a person is having an affair.

So, here are the facts:
He is calling her, She lost a lot of weight, He shared with her that we were dating umm, why?, he asked her to be a GR which would mean a 3 year commitment to the meeting,
She also shared with me that she is struggling about whether or not she wants to remain married. Just yesterday, as fate would have it I ran into my exUBPDbf on the trail. This time he didn't hug me like he usually does, he purposely didn't walk near his truck, he walked at the opposite side of the parking lot and stood there when I came over to him to give him his hat I still had. It was like a strong message to me to don't go near his truck b/c he wanted to keep distance between me and his truck, and usually he asks me to walk with him but this time he said he was overheated.  But his purposely not walking near his truck was like a sending me a message.  I read it loud and clear er sort of.

I don't know if this story makes any sense or not.  I am in a predicament here.  I sense they are having an affair or about to anyway.  

I cannot be her sponsor if that is the case and I don't know how to bring the subject up.  She is a newcomer and newcomers can take things personal and I don't want to offend her if I am way off.

Him,  I have asked him to call me via text but of course he ignores me as usual.  He cannot have an adult conversation.  I was just going to tell him I have some final stuff to give him and tell him I was going to be walking on the other end of the trail and I was going to ask him to respect my space.  I was also going to tell him he hurt me very much.  

Why would he not hug me?  In my mind in an adult world a friend can hug a friend.  

The fact that he didn't hug me hurt.  The fact that he clearly didn't want me to go near his truck hurt me.  So subtle but yet so hurtful.  Or is it me?

I need this hurting to end.  I need to get some resolution soon so I can put this out of my life completely. I am not sure how to handle this in a loving way but yet at the same time be loving and respectful to myself.

This is hard.  It's been consuming my thoughts hard for the past day and it's been hard to focus at work.  Since I suspected they might be having an affair it's been under the surface of my everyday thoughts. Almost obsessively.  No obsessively.

I lose respect for people who cheat on their spouses.  I lose respect for people who cheat with someone who is married.  When I started dating my exUBPDbf he told me he dated a married woman for 3 1/2 years on again off again and finally she left her husband and then he broke up with her. That always bothered me about him.

I understand that it's safe for him to date married women b/c then he won't feel engulfed or that other person can't get close to him.  

I hate to even think that he set her up to be a GR to that group so he could ensure her commitment to the meetings so they could be together.  That's just really desperate.

I am not even sure if I asked either one about the status of their r/s that I would get the truth from either one of them.  Especially, if they are having an affair.

Interesting too, she hasn't set up another time for us to meet.  She has been pretty consistent about that.  

I could use some prayers here.  Thanks for listening to this long story.

Tsultan




 

[JNChell]

This sounds like a difficult place to be. Jealousy never feels good. I know how that feels. Are you willing to dig deeper on this? Here are some hard questions that might help you if you really explore them. Why are you jealous over a man that caused you so much pain? Why are you placing yourself in his proximity? Do you feel like your past might be a factor in your answers to the first two questions?

Those are hard questions. You don’t have to answer them here, if at all. Just something to think about. A gentle nudge forward by an anonymous friend.

Maybe a different trail and a different support group will help. What do you think?

[GaGrl]

I hear more hurt than jealousy. Feeling pain isn't necessarily jealousy. What do you think?

Also, it sounds as if you know you have to extricate yourself from the sponsorship and that particular meeting attendance. What they do once you extricate, is their business/mistake and no longer your concern.

How long do you think it would take to regain your equilibrium once you are interacting with either of them again?

[Tsultan]

Thank you for your response JNChell.  I met with my own sponsor tonight and we talked a long time about these new insights that I have had this past month.  Some of what included the new awareness that my mom probably did have BPD.

Why are you jealous over a man that caused you so much pain? Why are you placing yourself in his proximity? Do you feel like your past might be a factor in your answers to the first two questions?

It actually is hurt.  And some of it may be done intentionally to make me jealous.
I will not be going back to that meeting for a long time.  There are many other meetings in the area.  I thought I could be strong enough to see him again but I wasn't expecting to see that.  And yes, my past is a factor in why I was attracted to this man in the first place.  My mom had BPD, my sister has it so this was why I felt such a connection to him.  I was thinking this morning how my need to care for something / someone is second nature to me.  I enjoyed having the role of caretaker for him to a degree that is.  Who knows why?  Maybe part my nature?  Definitely my upbringing.  My mother, I would definitely say she had narcissistic traits along with her inflicting her emotional abuse onto me as a child with her "the silent treatments" has affected me in a HUGE way.  I believe that is we don't learn our lessons that God will keep putting the lesson in front of us until we finally listen.

My sponsor was telling me that he has been a great teacher for me.  And you know, this experience has and that is the way I am going to keep looking at it.  I have learned so much about my own family.  I have grown emotionally so much and now I am trying to tackle the threads of shame woven through me from my upbringing.  It's going to be work but despite these few minor setbacks I am really starting to feel better.  My sponsor also said she doesn't want me to see me suffer anymore.  She is right.  There has been a lot of suffering.  I learn my lessons hard.

I will be taking the trail further down the road from now on and keeping my distance from this man who is emotionally manipulating me to hurt me or make me jealous to feed his wounded ego or relieve his pain.  I read somewhere recently that if you don't transform your pain you will place it onto someone else.  (That's not the exact word but I can't think of it right now  but it's so true, it's so true.  Untreated BPD's will transfer their pain onto the ones that are closest to them.

My sponsor reminded me that I should expect him to continue to emotionally manipulate me and to be prepared and to just know that this is what he does.  As more information unfolds I will know what to do as to whether or not I should remain her sponsor.  We were meeting every other week to work the steps together.  We are starting to develop a friendship. 

I have a few of his articles and if don't hear from him in a few days I will just donate them.  I don't want to see anything that reminds me of him for awhile.

It's a process JNChell and I am getting sick of it.  I am getting sick of talking about and sick of thinking about it.  I think that is a good sign that I ready to move on. 

[Tsultan]

GaGrl,  Thanks for pointing that out.  I think really jealousy is hurt turned inside out.  At least for me.

How long do you think it would take to regain your equilibrium once you are interacting with either of them again?


This is a really great question. Too long!  I am going to keep my distance.  I am taking care of this situation soon for my own sake.  I'm giving him a few days to tell me what to do with his stuff if I don't hear from him I will donate it.  I actually met my sponsee at another meeting not the one my exBPDbf regularly attends but she doesn't go to that one anymore.  I really needed a meeting and for some crazy reason I had thought I might be strong enough to see him.  Now I can see I got a taste of what a lot other members on this board get when their ex's find a new flame.

If I don't hear from my sponsee I will not attempt to reach out to her.  Maybe that is all that will happen.  That is fine with me. 

Thank you for your input and support.  I am doing better now.  I had a good long talk with my sponsor and I am feeling okay now. 

Tsultan

[Leonis]

If it makes you feel better, whatever he is trying to do will ultimately end up not well.

It sounds bad, but that is how I approach the feeling of hurt with my ex as well.

But, there has to be a point where you move on and not be bothered by it.

[JNChell]

Hey, BG. You’re making leaps and bounds, my friend. It’s not easy to get over these folks. You know enough to know why. You’re in the trenches with a lot of people that are hurting in the same way. Isn’t that something else? It feels very individual and lonely as it should. It’s a a very personal experience. I’ve followed you here and I know how hard it’s been for you. I know your pain. I wish that I could help you beyond supportive words.

[Tsultan]

JNChell,  Thank you   

BG

[once removed]

Tsultan, youve reached some strong conclusions here. are you sure about them?

[Tsultan]

Hi Once removed,  I appreciate your honesty. 

No I am not sure.  I am meeting with my sponsee K tomorrow.  It doesn't seem like anything is up with her.  I think it's more like he may have been trying to make me jealous.  Plus, now he knows I am her sponsor so he has been calling her to talk.  That might be another attempt at making me jealous.  Especially since he always felt men should talk to men in the program and women should talk to women.  Something is not adding up here. 

Who knows.  More information will reveal itself as time goes by but for now, I'm taking care of myself and walking on a different trail and praying that every time a thought of him comes to mind that if it's not a good one for his sake to ask God to please remove it. It seems to be helping a lot. I feel like I turned a corner here.  It feels like a switch has been flipped on inside me and I am truly not abandoning myself this time.  I am determined.  No more of this.  I knew I would get there eventually.