Financial Stress

[BowlOfPetunias]

We are very broke right now.  $3 in checking, no credit available.  There is $100 coming in this week, but nothing else until a week from Friday.

My wife started getting really stressed about this.  I calmly reminded her that she has dismissed me when I have warned that we could not afford things.  I provided the example of the party we threw for our son's religious milestone last year.  Oh, no, of course.  We had to have the party.  It should have been enough that we did not spend as much as other people we know.  I pointed out that we could have really used that money when several emergency expenses (unexpected taxes and major home repairs) came up.  Instead, I had to take out another loan against my retirement savings.  Still, she insisted that she had not dismissed me when I warned about the possibility of unexpected expenses.

I reminded her that a year ago she had put down my concerns about the party and other expenses (including a trip to Disney that, fortunately, has not actually happened) as my being "afraid to live [my] life because of what might happen."  She tried to deny that at first, but eventually admitted she had said that.  I pointed out that a few days before this I had let it slide when she brought up Disney again--even though she has agreed not to do so given how much financial stress we are under.  At first, I had thought she was talking about getting a meal plan for a local amusement park where we have season passes.  Then she clarified that it was Disney.  I decided to let it go, even though I was stressed about money.  And then she gets stressed about money and vents on me even though she still continues pushing this Disney fantasy!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Dragon72]

I hear you.

We are living pretty much paycheck to paycheck.  Made more difficult as recently my wife insisted we buy a new car and sign up to 4 years of belt-tightening.

I find it very difficult to talk to my uBPDw on the topic of money.  She doesn't listen to what I have to say as she can't see through the cloud of suspicion that I am robbing the family's money.  Which is of course total nonsense.  She used to control all the money and spend things on which I hadn't agreed, but I managed to get control of the money back to a certain extent.

Whenever I ask for cooperation with the money side of things, her defenses fly up, she refuses to cooperate and slings accusations.  I would love us to work together to find solutions, but discussions quickly escalate into arguments and nothing gets achieved.

The result is that now I am reluctant to approach her about money issues and this, in turn, fuels her suspicions that I am up to no good with the finances.

I just got the news today that most of my December paycheck is going to be unexpectedly withheld to pay for my wife's and my son's health insurance and I need her cooperation to help us get through it to make sure we have something resembling a Christmas this year.  But I anticipate a fight and resentful silent treatment.

[teapay]

Financial issues are one of several issues that have plagued my marriage.  My W did considerable damage to our family’s finances.  We are a household of 7, a one income family and I am the primary earner.  My solution was to simply take over the our family’s finances, set up separate accounts and forward her the money she needs to operate, which she can do with as she pleases.  We do plan monthly budgets and I hear her out, but this set up gives me essentially a veto on what gets spent.  Does she like it?  No!  While it is inconvenient for both of us, I definitely do like it and have no regrets.  I’m a much happier man.  I’m pretty immune to any FOG or acting out she might try to throw my way.  I won’t listen to FOG and she knows I’ll file for divorce if she starts acting out again because we’ve been down that path before.   She knows I’ve had it and won’t tolerate it.

I had tried working with her jointly for years with little success and a lot of lost money on nonsense.  With me in control, in one year we went from being $9000 in the red to $9000 in the black.  I should have done it much sooner, but the FOG backed by ignorant outsiders (e.g. church, social workers, family “friends”) weakened my resolved to do what I knew should be done and I kept deciding to stay on that threadmill.

This is just one example of many were I knew my W's thinking was way off and I knew better, but I decided to act against my own interests, better judgment and the interest of the family too, mainly out of fear of my W’s reactions (e.g. self harm, suicide attempts, verbal attacks, threats, FOG, divorce, hardship) and of what others might think of me, including my kids (e.g. condescending, unloving, abuser, jerk, controlling, bla-bla-bla).  It has taking some time addressing these issues one at a time by being true to myself, but ultimately I haven’t regretted any of them.  Eventually, things work out better for me and my kids.  With fewer bullets, my W has had to find other ways of adjusting and to some degree she has.  Is she happy about that? No.  But there has never been a configuration she has been happy with anyway and probably never will.  I know what configuration gives me more happiness and peace, so I continuously push in that direction.

[Grey Kitty]

My wife started getting really stressed about this.  I calmly reminded her that she has dismissed me when I have warned that we could not afford things.

Did the "I told you so" help anything?

There's no way you can un-spend the money she already spent.

Going forward, I see three problems you have to address:

1. You need to eat for the next couple weeks with almost no money to do it. This will require immediate hardships or solutions. (I saw another member state that her partner sold plasma to get cash recently... .)

2. Longer term, your household is spending money that it can't afford, falling behind or not getting ahead. Either more money needs to start coming in or less money needs to start going out.

3. You and your wife fight over how money is spent or should be spent; so far you've failed to negotiate longer-term plans in a way that your wife follows them, and you are now fighting over what went wrong to get you where you are today.

What kind of solutions are you looking at, and what is in the way of them?

Hint: "She will stop being so stubborn/stupid, and listen to me when I say we can't afford the Disney trip next time... ." is NOT a viable solution.

[Notwendy]

Are you the main wage earner? If you earn an income - this is an opportunity to take control over it. Your wife may not like it- but if she can't manage money - then leaving the income for her to decide is placing the family welfare in peril.

There is an emotional component to money - and I think that is why it is an issue along with other emotional factory in marriage like sex and intimacy - and is affected when there is BPD and dysfunction. However if you fix the money problems for her- she won't understand the consequences of her spending.

As GK said- what's spent is spent and all that can be is a lesson. Now you don't have money for what you need. The consequences may be that you eat some meals in a soup kitchen. She will possibly pitch a fit- but they exist to help people in a pinch and the food can be quite good. This is the natural consequence of her spending - being broke.

My parents had financial stresses due to my mothers "wants". My father gave her what she wanted- but the money had to be balanced somewhere- like no college tuition for me. So she didn't feel the effects of her spending but the rest of the family did as we went without for her. Dad left her some money when he died. We tried to manage it for her so it would last, but she pitched a fit. We had to let her feel the consequences- see her account shrink before she became concerned enough to be careful with it.

Now your wife can see the reality of the decisions. You speaking about it makes you the source of the anger. Step out of the way- if broke- then ask for assistance and pay them back - soup kitchen, local charity- when you can.