You're doing so much better than you think

[Ziggiddy]

Reading some of the struggles so many are having it occurred to me to say a few words of encouragement.

Some of this applies to all of you, and all of it applies to some of you.

Don't give up.

You have come so much further than you know.

I know some of you are doing this alone and unsupported - trying so hard to be a better person and improve things with your pwBPD or at the least understand them and yourself.

Some of you are even ridiculed or belittled for trying to improve.

Some of you, MOST of you are not believed or taken seriously by many of your acquaintance.

Quite often you are under fire from the very person you are trying to help/get along with.

It's a double whammy isn't it?

Like you asked for bread and instead got handed a stone. or worse - had that stone flung at you.

But don't give up. Stop and look at how far you've come.

It really is a noble thing you are doing

Where were you 6 months ago? A year ago?

Sometimes I think "Man I STILL do this (insert  behaviour)" but then I think "Well that just goes to show I was good at learning as a kid."

Sometimes I think "I'm still terrified/looking for approval/disappointed/frustrated with pwBPD AND myself" then I try and think "Well it's a lifetime journey. You're 45 years old - are you going to reverse all that in a heartbeat? no! There's no rush."

Sometimes I think "Groan - I don't even know how to SAY this." then I try and think "Well that's ok. I understand groaning as much as I understand speech!"

Anyway I just wanted you to see that you have come so much further than you know.

That by sharing your stories and supporting  others here you have given so much more than you could know.

I would love to invite you to tell of the bits of information/discussion/learning tools/experiences/people that have helped you.

To say what your lightbulb moments have been.

To share a saying or quote or some little thing that comforted you or eased you or made you feel worthwhile.

I'd love to hear of the things that help you to know you are doing so much better than you think.

Ziggiddy

[Louise7777]

Hi Ziggiddy! Thank you for this thread, it was very nice to read encouraging words, specially when we dont get validation or support from our family/ friends.

There´s so much I could say, I have changed and improved a lot, learnt how to cope with stressfull situation in healthier ways (thanks to all the people here), but I will just share a line a friend of mine posted on facebook: "Relax, nothing is under control". That was so simple and yet, made me realize I have to let things go. And people go. It took a burden out of my shoulders, in the past I was expected to resolve everything for everybody, now I just think before jumping... .I pay more attention to my feelings and I care less about what others think of me... .After all, nothing is under control!

[goingtostopthis]

               One thing with in my situation is that Im not receiving the kind of validation I think I should, or to state this better , from one person(my sister) Im not receiving validation at all. Ive been doing a lot work here to help her and going far and beyond as well. This has been going on for at least a month. Ive been angry with her for other things as well such as bullying me and intimidating me. It's hard to explain but I have gotten so caught up with these two aspects of the problem with her that a part of me got lost.  Something else that was much deeper was going on and I couldnt put my finger on it until it hit me.  She has not shown one ounce of gratitude or appreciation to me for helping her in a time where she needs help the most. The cause of this Im not sure. I think this is how she retains her control over the place by trying to put me in a subservient position to her where I have no control or the satisfaction of feeling that Im making a difference here for her. Nor do I feel I am being allowed any good sense of autonomy for doing good job. All the autonomy has to go to her for what she does, for what I do, just gets ignored.

                        Shes getting a little bit nicer now and has made a few nice comments to me here and there which is good, but I dont expect her to change her ways over night.

                But what's important here is that before I discovered this aspect of our relationship I couldnt figure out why my self esteem seemed to be going down, and I was feeling depressed.  It appears to me that my sister has been trying to create false reality around me as if Im not doing much of anything to suit her and I all most fell into it.

                  Im realizing now what an illusion this has been. I sat quietly with myself this afternoon in my room, the place I feel safe to get in touch with myself and I realized Im doing more around here them she is and I have really all ready begun to make quite few positive changing(through hard work) for her benefit and for mine.

                     It was really quite liberating. I started to feel more like my self again, so instead of being in the fog of feeling ,Im not doing enough, Im not doing enough, by her spell shes smothered me with her pillow of never good enough tasks with no , thank yous anywhere.  I realized I dont need her thank yous.  I know what Im doing and Im doing a lot and Im making a difference. I sat back today and was actually impressed with my self when I did a mental inventory of the all the work Ive been busy being engaged in. I threw her out of the picture, made sure I was alone and allowed myself the space to be grounded in my mind to honestly look at myself with out her interference. I was amazed and found enough accomplishment Ive done so far and some that are currently works in progress to be something to be very proud up.  I impressed myself, I was like wow!  I cant believe Ive gotten this much done so far in such a short amount of time. When she tries to manipulated my reality from now on, Im going know its bunk.

                      Sometimes you have to sit still at your desk  in a quite dark corner with your self and and with your self only and ask your self with honesty what you really think the truth is , Its like you say to yourself:  I could sworn I just did a lot of work in that room today.  You can swear it because you did.

                                 

[claudiaduffy]

Reading some of the struggles so many are having it occurred to me to say a few words of encouragement.

Some of this applies to all of you, and all of it applies to some of you.

Don't give up.

You have come so much further than you know.

Ziggidy, you rock. 

I saw this quote the other day and it's helping me out this week -

You own everything that happened to you.

Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them,

they should've behaved better.

Anne Lamott

[Ziggiddy]

               

                       Sometimes you have to sit still at your desk  in a quite dark corner with your self and and with your self only and ask your self with honesty what you really think the truth is , Its like you say to yourself:  I could sworn I just did a lot of work in that room today.  You can swear it because you did.                                 

goingtostopthis: Excellent! You saw your own reality and didn't question it in comparison to your sister's!  I reckon we can sometimes re evaluate our experience when some one sees it differently. The problem is, if that someone is disordered we run the risk of losing touch with REAL reality! This especially if the disordered person's view is one that belittles it and we identify with being belittled.

By realising that  you DID do a lot of work in the room you took control of your own version of reality and you validated yourSELF!

Great stuff <pats your back>!

I saw this quote the other day and it's helping me out this week -

You own everything that happened to you.

Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them,

they should've behaved better.

Anne Lamott

Claudia how very weird <hums Twilight Zone theme> I saw this quote a couple of weeks ago - even pasted it to Facebook. I had the author accredited as  Darlene Ouimet.

And it is SOO true. people's actions should be placed squarely on them themselves just as our responses belong to us.

PS I really DO rock. <Heheh - thanks for that!>

[clljhns]

Awesome thread Ziggidy!

I would have to say that what has improved for me is that I now can calmly deal with those people who are bullies. I work with a couple of people who want to rule the world, including everyone's at work. I call them Pinky and the Brain (it is a cartoon about two lab rats that go rogue and attempt to take over the world, for those who have not seen it.) I actually find myself laughing at their attempts to undermine me and frustrate me. I do get frustrated, don't get me wrong, but I somehow now just don't show it in the moment and can even let go of the situation very quickly. The best part is that I recognize this is THEIR problem, I have no part in it! Rather freeing!

[Edgewood]

Wow, thanks for saying that what we're tying to do is "a noble thing . . ."  That is true.  It's so noble that I'm not yet sure I'm even capable of it.   

Some of you, MOST of you are not believed or taken seriously by many of your acquaintance.

  This, too, hit home for me.  If you're not living this, you just don't get it.  I'm so happy to be understood here.

[gentlestguardian]

I really appreciate the encouraging words in your initial post, Ziggidy. Thank you!

I think where I'm feeling considerably better than I used to is with self-love. I used to absolutely hate myself, while being in total denial about it. I couldn't see how much criticism I heaped upon myself on a daily basis, and how defensive I acted with everyone around me as a result. I think I've made great strides in accepting that I am not an awful person. That I have value. That my words and thoughts are important.

In accepting that I have value as a person, I've realized something wonderful: I don't have to wait for someone to be kind to me in order to be kind to them. I can take it upon myself to offer a kind gesture toward a friend, to offer a loving caress to my significant other, or be the one to smile and say hello first when I pass someone at work. I didn't know I was allowed to do that before I started this journey of healing. I used to feel so invisible; I used to feel that I should be invisible.

[claudiaduffy]

Claudia how very weird <hums Twilight Zone theme> I saw this quote a couple of weeks ago - even pasted it to Facebook. I had the author accredited as  Darlene Ouimet.

I traced the quote back to Anne Lamott's personal Facebook page - an entry in April 2012 - in its entirety, it was this status update:

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. just change their height and hair color. No one ever once has recognized him or herself in my fiction. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better."

[workinprogress]

Some of you, MOST of you are not believed or taken seriously by many of your acquaintance.

  This, too, hit home for me.  If you're not living this, you just don't get it.  I'm so happy to be understood here.[/quote]
This quote is so correct!  In my day to day life, I pretty much have no one that I can rely on.  NO ONE!

I find myself grinding out my daily life.  Day after day, month after month, year after year.

My parents, my wife, and my boss to a certain extent, has done what they could to sabotage my life and my efforts.

I can see how I have progressed though, even in the last 6 months.

Instead of trying to find someone to rely on, I am really trying to rely on myself.

Thank you Ziggididdy!

[Ziggiddy]

I would have to say that what has improved for me is that I now can calmly deal with those people who are bullies. I work with a couple of people who want to rule the world, including everyone's at work. I call them Pinky and the Brain (it is a cartoon about two lab rats that go rogue and attempt to take over the world, for those who have not seen it.) I actually find myself laughing at their attempts to undermine me and frustrate me. I do get frustrated, don't get me wrong, but I somehow now just don't show it in the moment and can even let go of the situation very quickly. The best part is that I recognize this is THEIR problem, I have no part in it! Rather freeing!

cl that is a choice improvement indeed! To penetrate the behind-the-scenes.

I once had this friend whom I knew as a teenager. he was fun, kind very vulnerable. Well life happened to him and bruised him so he joined a bikie gang. Years later I ran into him with the big beard and the wild tattoos and bad language. He just grinned at me and gave me a hug. It was at the moment I realised that even bikies were skinny little kids once and it reduced my feeling of intimidation no end.

I guess it is the same with bullies. We see them big and strong coming to take our lunch money, our homework ... .our self esteem without necessarily seeing the scared weird little guy behind the mask. What a thing to see!

oddly enough, last week i actually realised my mum is a bully. I kind of knew it but I REALLY saw it. I had excused it because I'd guessed I felt as though I should be bullied. But looking closer at the other person you realise they can't find a normal dignified, respectful way to get what they want so they use every other way. And that's, as you say THEIR problem. Very liberating!

[Ziggiddy]

Edgewood & Workinprogress

I really think the biggest block to working recovery is that lack of being believed. If you feel alone in that you have to have tremendous self confidence that you are right ... .and the world is wrong don't you? And that not only goes against the grain for people in general, it is more especially true for those of us who deal with disordered relatives. Behaviour you have been exposed to your whole life seems normal so what reason have you to believe it is disordered except that it hurts YOU or reduces your capacity for joy?

So you have your BPD telling you it's YOU who's crazy and then you try telling your friend/family member/colleague and they are like "Huh? You're crazy! they don't have a problem. YOU should be more forgiving. YOU should overlook. YOU should be grateful for what you've got."

The thing is, if they had any semblance of normal loving input or personal attachment with their folks they are never going to understand. It's too alien a way of thinking. I have yet to meet anyone who doesn't have mental/emotional disability in their family who can truly sympathise. It is pure joy to me when I say "Hey - she just did this crazy hurtful thing" and someone says "Yes! my BPD does exactly the same thing" instead of "Huh? you must be reading it wrong."

It's a double whammy blow for survivors as they already have diffidence about their judgment. Are more like to say "Oh. Well everyone says I'm wrong I must be wrong.'

People who have a longtime sense of self simply don't understand those who don't.

[Ziggiddy]

Claudia  - I believed you! i just had accreditation from someone else! I thought it interesting that we came across the same quote at the same time and it struck us both! I think it's healthy to learn that others are fully to take responsibility for themselves - it's also a breath of fresh air to know that I am fully allowed to blame them for their incompetencies and oftentimes cruelties. And it's true: if they wanted me to like them/love them they should have been more likeable/lovable. It's not my fault when they behave like a git and I have every right to call them on it. Clearly they weren't too worried about getting my good opinion freely and respectfully - they demanded it forced it and punished it from me.

How much 'worth' is my good opinion of someone if it's coerced? And why should I feel bad about it? Nuh-uh. I'm learning to say to them"Not my circus, not my monkeys. Look after your own zoo."


gentlestguardian

I was quite struck by what you said about feeling like you should be invisible. My chiropractor said to me that I have neck and shoulder trouble because I am in a constant defensive posture - as though I am in a boxing match. Well i thought that was all and I understood it - waiting for the next criticism or verbal/emotional spar but a thread here a while ago mad eme see that I was also trying to bundle myself backward in order to not be seen or noticed.

We were taught that it  was a pride/vanity problem to dress nice and stand up straight so i learned to hunch backwards. Also I am tall - very tall for a woman - about 5'10" so I tried to hunch over so people wouldn't notice how tall I was - how different I looked. (Or even so they wouldn't get me to clean on top of their fridges!)

I identify with your feeling like you didn't deserve to be seen.

I once heard this great great quote form somewhere "Your value is not in what you do but in what you are. You have just as much worth home sick in bed as you do on your busiest day." Something like that. it's wonderful to think that!

PS I have to congratulate you on your Inner Child thread! It's just gone viral and helped SO many people. Well done! 

[workinprogress]

Edgewood & Workinprogress

I really think the biggest block to working recovery is that lack of being believed. If you feel alone in that you have to have tremendous self confidence that you are right ... .and the world is wrong don't you? And that not only goes against the grain for people in general, it is more especially true for those of us who deal with disordered relatives. Behaviour you have been exposed to your whole life seems normal so what reason have you to believe it is disordered except that it hurts YOU or reduces your capacity for joy?

So you have your BPD telling you it's YOU who's crazy and then you try telling your friend/family member/colleague and they are like "Huh? You're crazy! they don't have a problem. YOU should be more forgiving. YOU should overlook. YOU should be grateful for what you've got."

The thing is, if they had any semblance of normal loving input or personal attachment with their folks they are never going to understand. It's too alien a way of thinking. I have yet to meet anyone who doesn't have mental/emotional disability in their family who can truly sympathise. It is pure joy to me when I say "Hey - she just did this crazy hurtful thing" and someone says "Yes! my BPD does exactly the same thing" instead of "Huh? you must be reading it wrong."

It's a double whammy blow for survivors as they already have diffidence about their judgment. Are more like to say "Oh. Well everyone says I'm wrong I must be wrong.'

People who have a longtime sense of self simply don't understand those who don't.

Thanks Ziggiddy.  You know, I just had a flashback of a memory with my parents.  They had me so discouraged and depressed as a teenager.  I had no outlet but to journal.  I remember my dad finding my journal (he seemed to find everything) and he confronted me with it.  He told me that I was crazy and that I needed help because I was depressed.

I remember part of me wanted him to send me to a therapist so maybe someone could see how crazy my parents really were.  Everyone I met liked my parents, except for my good friends, they saw how they really were. 

Overall though, I had to hear all the time about how great my folks were.

It was so discouraging.  I did feel like I was crazy sometimes.  Why couldn't I fit into that little box that they wanted me to live in?  Why was I different?  Why couldn't I just be myself?  But, who I was wasn't good enough for them.

[claudiaduffy]

Claudia  - I believed you! i just had accreditation from someone else! I thought it interesting that we came across the same quote at the same time and it struck us both!

Zig - haha, I think my post about the author came across as terse, but I certainly didn't mean it that way. I'm a bit of a fiend for wanting to get my sources right, so I had to double-check when you had heard it from a different author, and then I was interested that it was a shortened version of a slightly longer statement.

But yeah - cool that we both came across it.  And no matter how determined I am that I can give MYSELF permission to own my own stories, it's really nice to have outside validation about it.