“Golden” brother can’t deal with my pain

[Bunny]

I’m a daughter of uBPD mother and have one sibling, a younger brother who was the golden child when we were kids.  Later he came to see how crazy our mother was but he never dealt with a fraction of the abuse I did.  We are in our 50’s and surprisingly have been very close.  Historically I’ve felt the need to shield him from the pain I had and still have from my childhood abuse.  However a month or so ago I laid it out for him - including how as a result of her abuse I never married or had kids and have gone thru life alone.  His reply was basically that he acknowledged I had been through something much worse than he had but that couldn’t deal with facing it and his way of coping was to keep everything swept under the rug.  I feel we’ve reached a real crossroads in our relationship.  I feel alienated and betrayed that he won’t face this with me and it makes me not want to deal with him any more.  Not sure how to proceed.

[Methuen]

Hi Bunny,

Breathe.  Try to slow things down a bit now.  

I'm going to hypothesize that what you disclosed to him came as a shock, and, even though he may have suspected some of it, hearing these stories from you "in the raw" would still be difficult.  He would have seen your pain, and maybe your frustration or anger?  But nobody who hasn't experienced that kind of pain likes to hear the ugly truth about a parent right?  He said what he said "in the moment", and before he had any time to process what you told him.

It's taken me time to accept the truth about my mom, and I'm the daughter of a BPD mom like you. He hasn't had your experience, so he will need time to process.

I have learned through life that we all need time to process new information, and sometimes when we are in shock, we don't say all the right things.  Maybe give him the benefit of the doubt right now...?

You probably also need some "time" to get back to baseline, because you were hoping that he would instantly be able to support you, but you didn't come out of it feeling validated.  Would he know how to do that for anyone, do you think?  Honestly, some people just don't know how to validate others.

Perhaps hearing it was a bigger shock than you could have anticipated?

I'm hopeful for you that he will come around.

[JNChell]

The golden child/scapegoat dynamic is very common around here. My sis was the GC, I was the SG. Somehow, we came out of it pretty well considering everything. We were also adopted, so that may have played its own part.

It was weird for my sis and I for a long time. I think the reckoning was when our parents died and we had to settle the estate. We were both a thousand miles away from their house in our own parts of the country, and would fly down one-two times a month on the weekends to handle things. We’d stay up late going through boxes and paperwork while having drinks and talking. It eventually just happened. She felt as bad as I did.

I understand how intense things are as a scapegoat. I’m sorry that you had to go through that. I’m equally sorry that your brother was placed on the other end of the spectrum. You see, you were both placed where your mom saw fit to put the two of you. Neither one of you had a choice or the freedom to grow into your own selves.

Maybe think a little more before cutting this off with your brother. It’s important to understand that even though the two of you were under the same roof, you both experienced things differently. He might not be on the same page with you, but maybe that shouldn’t mean that it’s time to throw in the towel just yet.

Did things get heated between you and your brother? What happened that has you thinking?

[Bunny]

Methuen and WLT thank you bothe for your thoughtful replies.  I’m sure the depth and detail of what I told him and the description of how it still impacts me now was a shock to him.  Yesterday I was processing a bunch of stuff (long story) and was supposed to go to my brother’s in the evening but I canceled.  And then proceeded to text and tell him what was going on with me and that I thought if he couldn’t be there for me our relationship was not going to be as close as it was.  He has 2 college age sons I’m very close to so I’m not planning to totally disappear but I think he and I won’t be as close.  But now in the light of day I’m realizing it’s not fair for me to expect him to face this stuff if he’s more comfortable burying it.

[Methuen]

I'm going to challenge a few things you wrote a little bit Bunny. I hope you are ok with that.  

And then proceeded to text and tell him what was going on with me and that I thought if he couldn’t be there for me our relationship was not going to be as close as it was.  

You are right that what you said could have been a shock to him.  He is probably going to need much more time than you think he needs to process all that.  I would try to be patient with him Bunny, before issuing him ultimatums (that if he can't be there for you right now, you can't have a close relationship any more).  That appears to be using your power, to control the relationship and have your needs met, but healthy relationships are equal in power.  I would suggest being patient, and giving him time to process everything you told him, and let him come to you.  

but I think he and I won’t be as close.

Oh please don't go thinking the worst Bunny.  We all do that, especially when we are feeling low.  Sometimes it can lead to self-fulfilling prophecy.  Instead, try to refocus your thinking onto all the fun and good times you have had together.  Maybe that will lead to something  positive.

His reply was basically that he acknowledged I had been through something much worse than he had but that couldn’t deal with facing it and his way of coping was to keep everything swept under the rug... But now in the light of day I’m realizing it’s not fair for me to expect him to face this stuff if he’s more comfortable burying it.

Yes, for sure we are all different, and process information and trauma differently, and on different time lines.  Your time line and his time line may be quite different.  

He's your brother, and you say you've always been close.  Why lose that?  

It sounds like you are disappointed you didn't get the response you were hoping for with with your disclosure.  That must hurt.  I feel for you.  But I honestly think that it's important to be patient and give him the "time" he needs.  

In the meantime, you can come here for support.  There is a lot of experience on this forum, and you have a whole community of support here

Have you ever seen a counsellor or therapist?  Many of us do, and if you can find a T that is a "good match" for you, T can make a world of difference.  So that could be another source of support, if your brother isn't ready yet.

It's really a positive sign that your brother affirmed that you had it much worse than he did.  That was an affirmation right?  I think it's amazing that he gave you that.  Work with that for now.

Maybe reach out to your brother at some point, and let him know the relationship is important to you.  If something in life has been good, it's worth the effort to keep it.

Hang in there.  These feelings of hurt and disappointment will settle.  Try to look after yourself, and take good care of yourself until you start to feel better.

[JNChell]

I’d like to echo everything that Methuen has said here. Maybe some space is needed because things are intense right now. One thing that really stuck out to me from Methuen’s post is to try to think about the good times between you and your brother. My sis has always been great about doing this and vocalizing it, and it really helped to center us around our relationship when things were hard and disagreements were on the table.