Can you hire a sitter so she can exercise? I don't know how many are available that time but if there is another time during the day , is it possible?

I'm not thinking about a large amount of money- maybe a high school student or college student who can come over for a little while so W can exercise.

There are a lot worse things to self medicate with, and it could be win- win all around if you can afford the expense. Kids usually like a "big kid" to hang out with for a while, the student gets some pocket money, and your wife is in a better state of mind.

Yes, I agree she was asking for permission, knowing full well that it was a woefully bad thought. However, it's not for me to come up with solutions for her, plus I'm not sure how it sits validating the her delusion that she does not get a chance to exercise. She exercises most days and considerably more than most people who live normal lives (I'd say min 5x a week). By validating her feeling that she doesn't get an opportunity to exercise and therefore needs the 6:30 run facilitated I'm validating the invalid. Similarly validating that it's okay to leave the kids on their own is also foolish and validating the invalid.

I stopped short of pointing out that she was suggesting she break the law as I thought it would trigger a shame response. Plus I thought showing her how I would think about the decision rather actually telling her what my rule would be would be more helpful.

I doubt I have heard the end of this and wouldn't be surprised if I hear from the kids that Mummy has gone for a run at 6:30am leaving them on their own.

I do like the suggestion of low cost solution, however, I would like her to bare the burden of this cost and for her to make choices and sacrifices elsewhere in her life if this is something she chooses to do... .irrespective of how beneficial this is for us as a whole family. Now is not the time given divorce to be showing that she gets everything she feels she wants. She needs to see my 'Tough Love'.

I know my opinion might not be popular, I understand most of us are “caretakers” all to different degrees. I am too but apparently not as caretaking as others here. So I’m going to throw out my opinion bluntly the way I think about it. You’re wife knows that her decision is not a good one you’ve actually confirmed this by knowing she would criticize others that would do the same. You know it’s a bad decision too. You have to set limits and risking the safety of childeren should definitely be crossing a limit. It seems like your wife already has time to exercise 5x a week so what’s the need all the sudden for additional exercise? If she still does need it You would think there’s a time or way to make it work at a different time or other alternatives. I may think more reasonable with pwBPD I also love to exercise and with a family I have found ways to fit that in around a schedule that works. Perhaps if your wife is interested in running perhaps she can get a treadmill or if it’s cardio she’s after and not a specific form maybe an exercise bike would work too. I know running or biking inside isn’t usually preferred to outdoors but it’s the compromise that would allow her to be home with the kids while getting in some morning cardio. These are compromises any logical person would make, Ive had to take the majority of my cardio indoors because of the same exact situation, kids that need supervision.

I’d bring up some of the alternatives such as times, indoor options etc. if she’s still rigid in the time I’d start to get curious why. Maybe I’m being a little cynical or pessimistic by stating this, but you’ve mentioned affairs and wanting divorce. if someone is that inflexible about the time and the other available options it would kind of make me curious why someone is stuck on a particular time that just doesn’t work for the family. Of course pwBPD do things that make no logical sense sometimes and just hate to alter from their initial idea since they feel like they were wrong by having to change, so that may just be the case here too, she’s set on an idea and inflexible about it as of now.

So now how would I go about this if I was in this situation?  I’d probably say W I know you want to get some extra cardio in by running. Is there a reason you want to run over other forms of cardio? If so do you think we can come up with better times, so what other times do you think might work? And bring up alternative ideas that work and let her come up with some too but let her ultimately decide on reasonable alternatives.

Good morning Enabler,

I agree with Ltahoe, .W can use a treadmill.

A few bullet facts, as I am understanding... .
*its about what is "legal", .I am sure it is not within the law to leave kids (9 / 8 / 5) home alone.
*safety issues... .which in that lite makes it a "non-starter" to begin with.
*I agree with the entitlement comments, "keeping up with the girls" (Jones's)... .seems to be that you're W is being quite selfish.
*I think, that within the steep precipice of BPD & npd thinking... .in their mind, its all about them, you're W is actually asking you're permission to cast caution to the wind, and leave your little ones at home, while she goes out for a run a zero six thirty in the AM... .me, being a thinker, what if, God forbid, something was too happened to her while she was out on her run, then how much longer would little ones (9 / 8 / 5) be home alone.

I am not sure of you're current living arrangements, but I think you have told us that you commute in the very early hours of the morning, and that you are already gone at the time she asking to go for her run?

My first W was like this in her thinking, very selfish... .no adherence to caution,

I have come to understand that npd/BPD will try to "justify" at all costs to get what they perceive that they want... .in this case, leaving 9 / 8 / 5 home alone, .

Yes, offer to get her a tread mill... .not a popular alternative, but one that would work... .I am sure she would turn her nose up at it?

Red5

The mischievous boy child in me... .ie' troublemaker might say to her... .well dear W, .I depart the pattern at zero six local for the train to work, so if you get up at say... .zero four forty five, stretch, turn on the coffee pot for me, .then go for your run, and then recover back here to home plate by say... .zero five fifty, so that you can pour my travel mug with hot coffee and give me a peck on the check before I go, .then I will allow you to go running ... .

A sandwich in a brown paper bag may a bridge too far though... . !

No Enabler, don't do that, .bad advice !... .just being humorously sarcastic here... .

In all seriousness Brother... .hang in there !

Red5

I hear them unicorns is good eatin !

Never mind your run!... .now go and fetch my shootin iron woman !

Keep on laughing Enabler, its great for the soul ! 

Red5

When someone doesn't have their own sense of self, it is based on what they see other people doing. So, if she sees the mums running in the morning, she then wants to be like them a "mum running in the morning". It's a form of self validation that doesn't work because she still has a shaky self image. I understand the magical thinking "if I have this, I will be happy".

What is the deal with this OM? I know a serial womanizer. He doesn't care if the woman he is after is married or not. In fact, I think being married ups the challenge for him. When pursuing someone- she is the "love of his life:- the "everything he has been looking for woman" and they are "so much in love"   and he proposes to her. Once he gets her, he drops her. Is OM like this? Who goes after a married woman in this way? He doesn't sound like a stable person to me.

I wonder if, as long as she is "caged" she is inaccessible to him and that makes them both irresistible to each other. Somehow, I think that relationship would burn out fast for both of them. But this is just speculation and I know this is way more difficult from your end. What is the end point to this situation that you hope for? It seems that all of you are in a sort of limbo.

Enabler- it sounds like you are dealing with this well - leaving her to deal with this emotional sheetstorm of her own doing - not intervening - not fixing and yet not pushing in either direction. I know it has to be difficult being in this. Without you fixing - she may unravel and then she had to deal with her own unraveling.

I’m glad you are not afraid of the outcome in either direction. You have the confidence that you can handle whether your marriage endured this or not. You may not want a certain outcome but you know that her decision isn’t under your control. It’s often fear that drives us to enable and fix what is the other person’s responsibility to fix. Not being fearful keeps you out of this.

For OM- second marriage deteriorating tells you something about his stability. Without knowing enough to say this - he sounds like an NPD- all image - mirroring what others want to hear. Both he and your wife may be enamored by each other’s images.

You sound like you are sitting in the eye of the storm. There’s a lot to be said for being peaceful and not reactive while others are spinning their wheels.

I considered recommending HIT training to her, but then decided that she has a Concept 2 Rowing machine and a spin bike at her disposal on the top floor of our house plus she already does various exercise video's etc etc... .it's not about the exercise, it's very much about the cage. This cage concept is proving to be a fantastic framework with which to think about how she feels about her life. She's been obsessed with prisons for years so very much fits her train of thought.

I shall have my unicorn bleu pls!