Hi SweetCharlotte,
it certainly is worth taking a step back and look where you are.
It was a nightmare three years ago when he swiped his keys back from atop my dresser. I went to visit him as we had been planning for weeks, although he had balked and was stonewalling me over a verbal show of temper on my part (I do have a temper). When I got to his city after seven hours of driving, he refused to see me. I waited in his lobby for four hours with my youngest, who was seven at the time.
My uBPDh threatened me with divorce frequently starting right after we were wed. At first I gave him Grey Kitty's response. Then I started saying, "No way; I'll fight you on it." That definitely made him do it more. Finally, I paid an attorney and had him served, had the papers drawn up and the case put on the docket. He asked to work it out. I lost a couple thousand dollars, but he has NEVER threatened divorce since.
So his behavior was out of control. You started working on boundaries and that reduced the worst abuse.
I see a therapist to help me coordinate the relationship with a spouse who still does not admit that he has any psychological issues, the drinking habits, my parenting, and my professional life.
He is fairly stable now
What are the chances a problem will crop up again? How will I know if a really big disturbance is on the way?
But you are worried that mad times return.
I became an over-achiever and earned all sorts of degrees, including from the Ivy League. But I can never get over the feeling that I am a third-rate loser
I was not sure what my question would be at first, so I'll tack it on now. What are the chances that we really are "past all that"?
Are you - not we - you?
My personal attitude - being in a somewhat similar situation - is that functioning pwBPD are both somewhat immature and somewhat semi stable. They may be grow out the former but the latter will always be there. But then so are other people as well. "Normal" people under pressure can fall down spectacularly. Nothing in life is 100% safe.
You have achieve a significant turn-around in your relationship and can be proud of it. And you are feeling doubts and self doubts.
It took me a while to realize that when the madness stopped that I had been impacted more than I thought. While serious problems were all handled and gone the anxiety ramped up. Your alcohol use may be - in part - self medicating anxiety and PTSD. It may be worth checking with the T how you can move past the trauma of the last years.