What was it like when BPD left

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPD live in boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me and immediately started a relationship with a new girl. This was just a week ago and it just gets worse. I feel like my entire life has died and it was really shocking. Thought we were together forever. I hadn't realized it but he made me pretty isolated from others so it's like I have to start a whole new life. My mom has been here for me and s real help. What was everyone else's experiences like?

[tammym1972]

My BPD live in boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me and immediately started a relationship with a new girl. This was just a week ago and it just gets worse. I feel like my entire life has died and it was really shocking. Thought we were together forever. I hadn't realized it but he made me pretty isolated from others so it's like I have to start a whole new life. My mom has been here for me and s real help. What was everyone else's experiences like?

[Infern0]

The worse thing I've ever been through.

I had a nervous breakdown when it happened

She "left" me saying she needed to think, then almost immediately another guy entered the picture and she push/pulled me over a couple of weeks until I broke.

She asked me... .and I'm not joking here... .to "be friends and if it doesn't work out with new guy we can try again, but I need to see if it works with him"

I obviously refused and she painted me black and started pretending I never existed.

At the time I wasn't the person I am today, I had no knowledge of BPD or anything, and I was quite naive to the world, our relationship had been great up to that point so it was a tremendous shock and I just couldn't understand it.

I lost over 20lb in a month, slept combined about 15 hours that month and had a complete mental collapse. It effectively ended what was a budding career too as my employers saw me as someone who couldn't handle things and put an end to any further progression at my place of work.

It took me probably 6 months to feel kind of normal again but there is still lingering small issues over 2 years later.

On the plus side I am FAR stronger and more knowledgeable now, I would say I came out of the whole thing with a lot of positives.

[hurting300]

Shock, disbelief and depression. That's how it was for me every day for about 18 months. I would literally cycle thru the 5 stages of grief every day. In 2015 I started feeling better. Now I can honestly say I could careless what she does or who she does. I mean some times RARELY I'll be having a bad day and start thinking. But one thing is for sure, you will recover.

[tammym1972]

Inferno. That sounds very traumatic. Glad you got through it ok. My ex was acting like he wanted me as a backup at first but because of his GF I'm now a horrible awful person and I'm moving out right away. He's leaving me without a car.
I know it is making me a stronger person though.

[tammym1972]

Hurting 300. Thank you for your reply.  Glad you are doing better. I guess I'm not alone being absolutely shocked. 

[PolandSpring4]

She was engaged two months later to an ex-boyfriend who cheated on her and stole the dryer out of her house the last time they dated after telling me that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. Yeah. 7 months later and I'm starting to feel like myself sometimes. I lost 12 pounds in the first month and drank constantly. I don't recommend drinking.

[tammym1972]

No. I don't drink but thanks  . I am losing weight which I've really wanted to for awhile anyway.

[jasmine-1234]

I'm so sorry tammy... .that sounds so hard.  My BPD partner left because i made him move out. I can only imagine if he had left me after all of that.

Still I was very depressed and confused, angry too. Just felt like I was hit by a hurricane or tornado, I didn't know what was up or down. I too drank that first week. I just hit my bottom, it was the ending to a very dramatic year.  

A week later I heard from a psychologist friend about Borderline. i never heard of it before! Then I felt a tremendous amount of guilt, for handling it all wrong. But I also started to dissect the relationship.  A lot of things started to make sense, but still, it didn't really make me feel better. I felt really sad, so so sad. I spent all this past Sunday crying crying crying. I don't even know for what.

Sad that even through all my efforts, his bottomless pit of a heart would never fill up. Sad for me for trying so hard.  He had given me a ring, we never got to the marriage part. Sad that the marriage would never happen.  I had to stop drinking, it was making me spiral into a worse depression. But now being sober, my mind thinks of all of these things over and over again.  I pondered all of the loving awesome things he said. Then remembered all the horrible fights.

I had to mourn the relationship, I felt my dreams and heart were smashed.  It has ups and downs. We all feel your pain!  This forum has helped me so much! because regular friends cannot understand this relationship.  Sometimes it was more hurtful to try to talk about it and get responses I didn't like.

Therapy is helping too. Hopefully you can see someone, or at least get some good friends to talk to for support.  Keep writing here!

My mom has also been helping me and visiting me more.  You will find out who your real friends are now. I know it's hard now, but everyone keeps telling me, this is a chance for a new start. If there is some way to be excited about this new freedom... .remember the things you used to love... .maybe start getting back into them. I'm trying to do this myself but it's hard I feel so depressed. My therapist asked me what kind of things I like to do, what would I do if I could do anything... .i really don't know. I feel I don't even know how to be happy anymore... .but slowly I think it will come back.  Take small steps.  Get a massage. Try a new hobby, or an old one. I was thinking of getting back into painting and drawing, and get some of the ugly stuff out of my head and onto paper.  It's so new to you, it's going to take time.  It's ok to be sad and cry... .

[Pretty Woman]

It was like having your entire soul ripped out. I felt so empty. Well not empty, just devastatingly, overwhelmingly sad. My heart literally hurt.

The isolation is intentional. I think we've all been through that if we dated a BPD. That is a tactic to control you. That way, when you are discarded you are still pining for them. You become the back up if the new "reFAKEshonship" doesn't pan out. If it doesn't work with the next one, maybe they can suck you back. There is no closure.

I do not envy anyone else going through this and I truly feel for you. You have been abandoned by someone you trusted. It's a huge betrayal. In some instances not only were you isolated, but you held in all the crappy things your ex did because it was embarrassing, so no one understands the He_ _ you have been through because you didn't talk about it.

My ex is a serial cheater. She also recycles exes, sometimes years later.

Please don't dip your toe back in the water should your ex return. It gets worse the more you do it. They see they can break your boundaries so when they finally discard you for good, you crave them coming back and get stuck mentally. That is where I am. I am finally coming out of the fog... .a year and a half later.

In a "normal" relationship there is often one party upset over the breakup but it's cordial. It's not vicious. Your ex doesn't parade the new person in front of you days after dumping you. They don't bring the new person around your friends, to a party a week later and introduce the person as their "new girlfriend" (true story).
That is cruel and horribly insensitive and inappropriate.

You are not dealing with a normal, rational human being.

The best thing to do is go NC. DONT look at FB. Block all means of communication. When this new relationship fails, which they often do, you may be contacted again.

Work on healing yourself so if that time comes you will be prepared and in a healthier mindset.

My best to you.
 

PS. A week after was dumped I was still in LC with my ex. She wanted to stay friends, after all in her words: She loved me and I was her BFF.
Ha!

I knew from the past and all I read about BPD that this was a triangulation tactic... .keeping me around to make the new gal jealous and using me, knowing I would be clinging to the hope of getting back together... .only to be viciously discarded again, once she secured the affections of this new person.

I ignored her attempts and was painted black. She smeared me all over, told people I was abusive. I work with her sister and almost got fired from my job over this. This person caused me so many issues I am no longer sad. I am angry. I am not a violent person but if she ever contacted me I would likely drop kick her.

You will get to a point in your healing where you realize just how silly your entire relationship was, what a waste it was and you will get mad. You were used and you allowed it.  I am hoping to get to indifferent soon. That is my wish.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

When I told her to leave and never contact me again. She left for a bit and came back the next day to get some of her stuff. I did not sleep that night at all. I was glad I got everything out of my chest, I called her names I should not have but I've had enough. I know I did the right thing when I found out she went on a smearing campaign on Facebook. Even now I think who would put something like that on Facebook? Only a Narcissistic mental case.

I would say I've been thinking about her every day since that day. Slowly she is fading away from my mind. I know I did the right thing. Slowly I am getting stronger, my mind feels clearer, I don't look like I haven't slept for a month. In total I lost about 40 pounds being with her. My colleagues thought I had some sort of disease or something.

I keep hearing that she keeps sleeping around through friends and honestly I am not surprised.

I am looking forward to when she is completely out of my mind and I have made big progress on my future goals.

All I know that sometime in the future something tragic is going to happen to that girl. She thinks she is still 20 years old and partying like there is no tomorrow.

[tammym1972]

Thank you everyone for your stories. 9 days now and has gotten worse instead of better. Went to the doctor and got meds. I feel better but very sleepy. Trying to get money to move out if the house this weekend.

[tammym1972]

I just came home and found they have taken my bird that I love so much. I try to call him and she answers and tells me to stop calling. I'm trying to get money to move by Friday. It's like I've lost my baby and I'm so scared.

[Pretty Woman]

Tammy, I know it's rough. It will get better. I was where you are.

Take the meds and be honest with your doctor how you are feeling so they can adjust if needbe. I had PTSD after this relationship. I was a wreck. I would burst into tears for no reason.

I hated the thought of being on meds. I am a communicator and used to "working out issues". I needed the meds and they really helped with the anxiety. I didn't stay on them long because I took my ex back after that, but I never had to go on them again.  I think by the final discard I just expected to be dumped and since I knew what to expect there wasn't any surprises other than the fact this wasn't like before... .this was final.

Keep posting and stay strong. The hardest thing I did was put on a front that I didn't care... .
when I did. They will amp up being a-holes to piss you off but once they see it's not working they move to new targets. It's all about manipulation and control.

I am dealing with a co worker who was a total a-hole during the ordeal with my ex. She and I had been friends for over six years. I really trusted this person.

This past Christmas our friendship ended over a misunderstanding and she smeared me to my co workers... .which got back to my boss. Very personal stuff including the fact I was gay which is not how I present myself at work because I think it's no ones business. This person tried to ruin me, a person that when she broke her leg I drove her to work for a year, even changing my hours.
That's a real friend. Unfortunately it wasn't reciprocal.

At one point she accused me via office IM of stealing from my company and I reported her to HR. When they confronted her they said she was shocked I reported her and she was just trying to scare me.
?
BPD's are bullies. This person knew how intimidated I was by my ex and then tried to do the same to me. Months later she is telling my co workers (my immediate co workers) I left cat piss on her desk.

Not sure how you even collect cat piss. I am not making this stuff up. The more she has amped this up, I have struggled to not call her out... .
but that is exactly what she wants.

When you ignore their slander, which is so very hard, esp since it's your character at stake... .eventually they look like complete idiots. When you don't even acknowledge it you eventually come out smelling like a rose.

As hard as it is, even if you have to smile and fake it... .take your meds, keep working on you and don't let your ex get the best of you. Your ex will be their own undoing. Mark my words... .
 

[tammym1972]

 Thank you for the kind words pretty woman. Im learning to just ignore them now. I'll be completely moved out by this weekend and hoping they will just leave me alone then

[theitcrowd]

She discarded me saying we should be friends now... .I said NO and I feel proud of saying it... .I told her I have enough friends in life either you remain my romantic partner or you don't it's your choice ( I was tired of all the push and pull) ... .

She tried to keep me friends until I started plaYong along with her dirty game saying I found someone too ... .She immediately blocked me and then a few days later I found her posting on social media about her new boyfriend... .

it killed me... .made me feel horrible... .came out of all that now but still some days are bad it's been 7 months No contact ... .never should have ended up like this

[Skyglass]

I'm so sorry to hear this! I feel for you. We have all been there. Yes, my BFwBpd discarded me after 3+ years in a relationship. Same thing- planning a life together. When he discarded me, it cut to the very depths of my soul like nothing I'd ever felt in other relationships I had been in. It was cruel how he left and disrespectful. I sobbed harder than I ever have and I'm not one to cry easily. I also looked around and realized that day that I was isolated. And I've always been an extrovert who loved being around people. The isolation had slowly happened over the course of years and I didn't even realize just how manipulated and controlled I had allowed myself to become. If you can keep yourself from doing it, do not check social media, and do not contact. Although extremely hard, it has been 4+ months of no contact and I've never once checked FaKebook. It's been worthwhile in the end and I have been able to move forward. This time is about you... .not about him... .you must do what is good and healthy for you now.

[tammym1972]

The worse thing I've ever been through.

I had a nervous breakdown when it happened

She "left" me saying she needed to think, then almost immediately another guy entered the picture and she push/pulled me over a couple of weeks until I broke.

She asked me... .and I'm not joking here... .to "be friends and if it doesn't work out with new guy we can try again, but I need to see if it works with him"

I obviously refused and she painted me black and started pretending I never existed.

At the time I wasn't the person I am today, I had no knowledge of BPD or anything, and I was quite naive to the world, our relationship had been great up to that point so it was a tremendous shock and I just couldn't understand it.

I lost over 20lb in a month, slept combined about 15 hours that month and had a complete mental collapse. It effectively ended what was a budding career too as my employers saw me as someone who couldn't handle things and put an end to any further progression at my place of work.

It took me probably 6 months to feel kind of normal again but there is still lingering small issues over 2 years later.

On the plus side I am FAR stronger and more knowledgeable now, I would say I came out of the whole thing with a lot of positives.

I've lost a lot of weight almost two weeks in now but I need too anyway.  . I finally got everything moved out so things are finally going to go up from here.

[tammym1972]

Got out of the house today. just really wish I could get my pet bird back. I met the girl and she is literally crazy and has him under control. I'm glad I'm out of there.

[jasmine-1234]

I'm sorry about your bird. I was so lonely after having an empty house. I am fostering some feral kittens!  Maybe you can get a new pet?  I found it really nice to have them in the house, and a physical distraction, and pets with more nurturing usually become nicer... .I thought it might be a good way to heal

[Beacher]

Hi, so sorry you are going through this.Last year my now ex moved out, my daughter had moved out ( got married but couldn't stand another minute with the dysfunction) and shortly after I herniated a disc and was home bound for 4 months. Felt completely alone and severely depressed. Then the holidays. And. But you know what? The peace and quiet and no more screaming and bizarre behavior was all worth it. We divorced in May and while I'm sure he was all pumped up from the move and legal activity, he began calling and crying how much he missed me and kept wanting to rehash what went wrong. I had to stop taking his calls. Even though I am still on antidepressants, my psychiatrist said to me the other day ' look, you are not crying!' Reality check what a basket case I was and always on edge.
I would suggest moving out. You will become more ill emotionally and physically if you stay. They never change. I hung in there 10 years!

[baconeggs]

Hi tammy,

I know how it feels and I couldn't handle it the first time we broke up.  I broke up with her and then she found someone else almost immediately.  I couldn't handle my jealousy and empty feelings, so I convinced her to take me back. As soon as we got back together, I knew things wouldn't improve and we were going to repeat the breakup cycle again.  Fast forward two years after that experience and we have been on NC for 1.5 weeks now.  This time, I was prepared for the feelings of the breakup so that is helping immensely and I know that breaking up is the healthiest option for me.

I'm glad to see you posting here.  There is a wealth of knowledge and experience from the folks on these boards.

Take care of yourself.

[Scyphozoan]

Dear Tammy

FYI, he will be back, they always come back... .It's also amazing how " The new Replacement"... .is always ( always... .!) less than you... .!

Mine is still E-mailing ( from new emails... .he makes up everyday)... .
One day he misses me and can not exist without me, literally 2 days later ( I looked back at the patterns of emails) I am " vilified for not giving " The relationship " of my life" another chance"... .mind you, he left me with a 5 lines txt... .!

I do not want my life to be " breaking up/ coming back/breaking up/coming back
and I am a person who is motivated by " Hope" never fear... .
He knows it and used it ( only to be discarded 3 days later... .as I mentioned via txt)... .
It helped me a lot reading about how normal relationships are and how they progress or end... .and none of that was in my ExBFwBPD... .

When I asked my friend a psychiatrist... .( I called him to ask what just happened?) who does that/those kind of things, beggs, pleads for a chance to talk and reunite and 3 days later discards me with a txt... .?
His answer ( mind you he is a friend and I wanted his opinion... .he is not my therapist)... .he said pwBPD and/with almost " sadistic/cruel features... .
It made complete sense to me and It motivated me to fight my urges to take him back... .
I could only envision myself, one day, stricken with an illness or a stroke maybe 10 years down the line or more... .and him gone... .with 5 line txt... .!

I don't want that for myself... .I want someone to count on being there in 10 years... .his erratic behavior  and the " cruel" method, told me enough... .

He still emails everyday for forgiveness, " the biggest mistake of his life " that he regrets how it was done... .( he compares it to ... " you have made mistakes and I forgave you... .how come you can not forgive me... .?)

I will tell you all why ... .( not him... .he will never get it... .)... .because it was done in a cunning deceiving  way... .he made me believe, we are moving in together, we are back on track... .we had a romantic dinner that night in an exclusive restaurant... .and he left the next morning, going early to the gym... .and never came back... .later on sent the 5 line txt... .( "it's over ... .last night I realized you will never change... "... .

That cruel method, and my friend's words, helped me understand " the sadistic side" he has... .I do not need any more " future example" to support this theory
It devastated me enough and it is actually the " fear"... .not " hope"... .that keeps me from going/caving in... .
Think about yourself... .he will be back and his words are going to be " intense "... .but they hold no weight... .no substance... .
They come back because they are " temporarily terrified " that the " new replacement"... .didn't pan out... .( BTW... .No replacement will ever pan out... .this is the reason he will keep coming back... .if you let him... .for years... .they are unable to sustain a " long lasting relationship... .ever... .)
It is not " flattering me" or I didn't win here anything... .
I realized I am up against something " bigger than human mistake"... .I am up against a " Personality Disorder"... .I stand no chance... .It will win anytime... .
( The disorder)... .
Save yourself years of misery... .save yourself... .Period... .!

Warm Hugs... .

[JRT]

Mine? We dated for 2 years and then became engaged. We never argued or bickered EVER - it was like a dream. Our children became friends and we all went and did things like a family. She sold her redundant furniture and moved in with me even prompting her to do so but its what I wanted anyway. She moved in and the next weekend we went and ordered our wedding rings. And later that week, we had a special dinner at her prompting for our parents to meet one another.

The following week I had a business trip scheduled. She was actually going to drive down to meet me at the end of the week for a romantic getaway. Throughout the morning, it was the usual kinds of texts. In the afternoon while in a meeting I received one from her that read, 'Our relationship is over, I have moved out, do NOT try to contact me'. And that was it. She blocked me everywhere imaginable (she even convinced all of her family and friends to unfriend or block me and unfriended each and every person that she met through me) and attempts to circumvent the block (from a hotel phone) we responded to with calls from the police and threats from lawyer friends to file a PPO against me. The response was like the type of fear from someone whose life is in great jeopardy yet I don't think that I so much as ever raised my voice to her.

That was 2 years ago. Though I suspect her of stalking me on social media and an occasional silent call, I have not heard anything from her at all.

[Scyphozoan]

JRT,
Thank you first of all for your post... .
I am confused... .since you describe your relationship as " Peace and Harmony"... .
My experience always has been... .once I get to a calm period"... .2-4 months"... .the pendulum swings the other way... .
Was she a BPD?... .I had no idea they can go for 2 years living in harmony... .
it's typical Chaotic... .
Were there any signs... .?... .Do you know if she " replaced you"?
Makes me think... ." Not Every Narc. is a BPD, but Every BPD is A Narc"... .
your description fits a diff. personality disorder... .( one of which could possibly be a narc... .where they emulate your behavior since they have no behavior of their own... .)
I would love to hear what other thinks... .?
Can you guys contribute your opinions/experience on this matter?
Nevertheless... .it is painful beyond words... .JRT... .what ever the Diagnosis here... .would not make a dent in your emotional pain and suffering... .
Warm hugs to you as you continue to grieve and go through the pain, however long it takes... .you can do it... .!

[tammym1972]

I'm sorry about your bird. I was so lonely after having an empty house. I am fostering some feral kittens!  Maybe you can get a new pet?  I found it really nice to have them in the house, and a physical distraction, and pets with more nurturing usually become nicer... .I thought it might be a good way to heal

I still have another bird to take care of. My Mom has it until we get our own place.

[tammym1972]

Hi, so sorry you are going through this.Last year my now ex moved out, my daughter had moved out ( got married but couldn't stand another minute with the dysfunction) and shortly after I herniated a disc and was home bound for 4 months. Felt completely alone and severely depressed. Then the holidays. And. But you know what? The peace and quiet and no more screaming and bizarre behavior was all worth it. We divorced in May and while I'm sure he was all pumped up from the move and legal activity, he began calling and crying how much he missed me and kept wanting to rehash what went wrong. I had to stop taking his calls. Even though I am still on antidepressants, my psychiatrist said to me the other day ' look, you are not crying!' Reality check what a basket case I was and always on edge.
I would suggest moving out. You will become more ill emotionally and physically if you stay. They never change. I hung in there 10 years!

I had to move out. No choice. His new girlfriend basically gave me two day notice. Staying with a friend until my Mom and I get a place.

[JRT]

JRT,
Thank you first of all for your post... .
I am confused... .since you describe your relationship as " Peace and Harmony"... .
My experience always has been... .once I get to a calm period"... .2-4 months"... .the pendulum swings the other way... .
Was she a BPD?... .I had no idea they can go for 2 years living in harmony... .
it's typical Chaotic... .
Were there any signs... .?... .Do you know if she " replaced you"?
Makes me think... ." Not Every Narc. is a BPD, but Every BPD is A Narc"... .
your description fits a diff. personality disorder... .( one of which could possibly be a narc... .where they emulate your behavior since they have no behavior of their own... .)
I would love to hear what other thinks... .?
Can you guys contribute your opinions/experience on this matter?
Nevertheless... .it is painful beyond words... .JRT... .what ever the Diagnosis here... .would not make a dent in your emotional pain and suffering... .
Warm hugs to you as you continue to grieve and go through the pain, however long it takes... .you can do it... .!

I was very confused myself... .I knew nothing about personality disorders... .my only recourse if any at all was to try to research what had happened... .I came to this and other sites and things began to make a little sense and this and that were familiar... .but things didn't really fit all that well, like the raging that you pointed out, there was NONE of  that. Yes, there were some odd things like we DIDN'T argue... .EVER! There were things that she clearly did not mention. Sleep problems. Breakups for no apparent reason. Trauma and abuse with her FOO. Engulfment; a lost sense of self. A history of failed relationships (mine was 2 years, her longest was 8 months - her marriage... .she is 45 years old!). And so on... .

I finally came across a post or piece that described a quite borderline or waif and it all fit after that. Among other things, Waifs internalize their rage but are all BPD through and through. She still had anger issues, just not directed at me. Let me know if you would like to know about her/this and I a will do my best to point you in the right direction.

Oh... .I noticed that my ex went long periods before her next relationship; I am talking years. This time is no different, no replacement yet. 

[Pretty Woman]

It's so hard. Reading JRT's response I can sympathize. Once they leave and find a replacement you are enemy #1. They will do anything to destroy you and they are genuinely fearful for their life even if you never even raised your voice to them.

It's a f'd up disorder that defies rationalization. That's why it's important to not take it personally.

I think we all fear the new person will be treated better. Think about it... .was this the craziest relationship you've ever had?  You have friends and family that don't behave like this.

Rest assured the new person will be treated the same. The only difference is it depends on how much crap the other person is willing to take.

You are free now

[tammym1972]

It's so hard. Reading JRT's response I can sympathize. Once they leave and find a replacement you are enemy #1. They will do anything to destroy you and they are genuinely fearful for their life even if you never even raised your voice to them.

It's a f'd up disorder that defies rationalization. That's why it's important to not take it personally.

I think we all fear the new person will be treated better. Think about it... .was this the craziest relationship you've ever had?  You have friends and family that don't behave like this.

Rest assured the new person will be treated the same. The only difference is it depends on how much crap the other person is willing to take.

You are free now

yep. I'm his biggest enemy and we never fought. Just always showed him love and acceptance. I gave back the keys but he is so scared he changed the locks!

[Beacher]

It was a huge releif at first because there was no more screaming or uncertainty. There was a glimmer of a chance until I found out he had an affair 4 months before and that was the final nail in the coffin for the marriage. 2 weeks later I herniated a disc and was alone in the house during the holidays waiting for surgery in January so THAT was pretty awful, especially since he would call screaming and tell me what a horrible person I was. Almost had a nervous breakdown but anything was better than the hell he put me through.
Once I had the surgery and was recovering I would find things all over the house reminding me of the wonderful times we had together and how much we loved each other. But in the end, realized he was not going to get better and I would have died if we stayed together. Also found out from previous wife how violent he was- she finally got a restraining order when she was sleeping and he put a pillow over her head and started punching her.
It was only a matter of time until that or worse happened to me.
You will get through this, one day at a time. Go to bed early and stick close to friends and family, and most importantly do NOT communicate! It brings me down hearing the tears and the proclamations of love that could turn in a minute.