Do they love us or not?

[K.G.]

I have very bad days where I tie myself up in knots trying to make sense of what happened. And I go through a lot of denial and have feelings that I've been rejected and something is wrong with me. In my situation, the relationship ended because I forgot to buy bread... .You may laugh, but there you go. It was enough to trip a rage and turn me black.
In my sad moments i turn to listening to you tube videos about BPD and relationships. It has helped me. I will play a video that reminds me that it is a mental disorder, that our idea of love is not the same as the way a BPD thinks, that a relationship has zero chance of survival unless a pwBPD recognises he or she has a problem and turns to therapy... .And even then... .
it's incredibly frustrating because we've seen an exceptionally amazing side to someone... .and I crave that side constantly despite knowing it comes with a price tag way too big. It's illogical. But when I listen to some of the videos i have found, I realise that my sadness is based on an illusion and whatever I did or didn't do it would have made no difference. It reminds me that I could never survive the unpredictable behaviour... .I love the man that almost killed me for forgetting to buy bread and feel incredible sadness that he will never ever be able to understand what he had and lost. I don't hate him. I will never demean myself and do nasty things. I cope by trying to not make sense of it. And today I forgot to buy bread... .but there's no consequence except I won't have fresh toast in the morning. I am calm. x