Devastated

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

The texts he sent. Happy Birthday however old you are Its too f*cking old for me. Happy birthday you lying old c*nt. mocking me.
I feel humiliated, old, ugly. Nothing. Rubbish. Stabbed through to the very core. I don't know how to get past this. I escaped it for months. NC.
I am not angry, I am filled with gut wrenching disappointment and now hatred. I am not perfect but I didn't deserve this. What have I done, I loved and cared.  Why does he hate me so much. The sun is shining, my little cat is playing in the garden, I want to feel content and happy like I used to be. I want to feel attractive and sexy and confident like I used to feel. I feel shredded. I'm sorry, I needed to say the words out instead of just in my head.

[Sadly]

The texts he sent. Happy Birthday however old you are Its too f*cking old for me. Happy birthday you lying old c*nt. mocking me.
I feel humiliated, old, ugly. Nothing. Rubbish. Stabbed through to the very core. I don't know how to get past this. I escaped it for months. NC.
I am not angry, I am filled with gut wrenching disappointment and now hatred. I am not perfect but I didn't deserve this. What have I done, I loved and cared.  Why does he hate me so much. The sun is shining, my little cat is playing in the garden, I want to feel content and happy like I used to be. I want to feel attractive and sexy and confident like I used to feel. I feel shredded. I'm sorry, I needed to say the words out instead of just in my head.

[insideoutside]

Wow.  I don't really know what to say to that sadly but that says so much more about him than you.  You deserve much much better.  Never believe you are anything less than awesome; the problem is him, not you. 

[marti644]

Oh Sadly,

So sorry to hear this! Just take a deep breathe and take it minute by minute. The person you used to be is the person you are. Love yourself. You're worth it!

[earlyL]

Oh Sadly, this is truly horrible behaviour and as Izzybusy says is about him not about you. I can totally understand why you are feeling the way you are though, just any kind of contact is tough but this is brutal. I hardly know you but have seen your posts on other peoples topics and you have an extremely kind heart and give good advice. You do not deserve this.

Writing on here and knowing to get those thoughts out - however small it might seem is a step forward.

[Nextinline]

Hey Sadly

My read of your comments makes me feel that your ex's life is imploding. He is self destructing now and he is lashing out at the last thing that actually meant something to him.

He is dying inside and this is his last attempt to lash out and deflect blame.
Please don't respond. Please don't take the venom he is spitting out to be a reflection on you. It is a reflection on how he sees himself.

He just can't face the pain of dealing with his own failings. This is who he is, not who you are.

Be strong. Be resilient. Be knowledgeable in the fact that he is impaired and always will be. Be understanding that he can't choose his behaviours.  His outbursts are a reflex of his dysfunctional mind.

Be grateful that you are not like him.

Be peaceful that you deserve better. Be comfortable in knowing that the best for you is still ahead and waiting for you to get there.

[Sadly]

Thank you Izzy, Early and Marti
I want to feel worthy of being me, I just don't, can't. I only unblocked my phone because a long time ago I promised his very sick mother that I would look out for him. He has health issues. I can't keep my promise to her now and have blocked everything again but he only lives 3 miles away. I know there is no replacement. I wish there was. I ended it eventually and though not happy have been more balanced but I never expected this. It was like having a bucket of acid thrown at me, I feel peeled and burnt.

[Sadly]

Nextinline, thank you too. Why do I feel like this? For all the pain and hurt he is causing me now I hate the thought that he is dying in side. Would comfort him if I could. The thought of him feeling like that is heartbreaking to me. I'm really messed up.

[WhoMe51]

Sadly,

I agree with nextinline.  It isn't about you.  It is how he sees himself and you are the one who is closest to him, so you get the abuse.  He can't see you for who you really are.  I am so sorry you are going through this.  And I know how bad it hurts to have the one you love so deeply treat you this way. 

There have been many nights that I can't sleep, so I get on this board and read the posts.  You are one of the ones that I read because of how you encourage others and I can usually relate to what you are saying.  You seem to have a beautiful spirit and a genuine kindness. 

Your ex can't see this.  His views are distorted and what he says about you are not about you.  And once you can depersonalize what he says, you will find yourself in a better place.  Sadly, your worth isn't based on what someone else says about you.  Or what someone else thinks about you. 

You are a valuable person just the way you are. 

[balletomane]

Sadly, when I was hurting badly over my ex's behaviour, one of the things he did was mock me for being so weak as to get so upset over a relationship and tell me that he expected better of me. Once I told a friend, "I feel so weak and pathetic" and she replied, "Are you sure that's not him talking? Those words don't sound like yours." That's when I realised that I'd adopted his views of me. I think a similar thing is happening here. You are not messed up, but your ex has gone out of his way to make you feel so, and now you are at the point where you assume it must be true.

You did the right thing by blocking him again. No matter how much his mother loves him or how worried she is by his problems, and no matter how sick she is, it wasn't reasonable for her to ask you to basically take care of her grown son. He's an adult. A grown man. BPD or not, the responsibility for his choices and actions lies on him. You only bear responsibility for your own life and health, and the best birthday present you can give yourself is to step away from this man's venomous behaviour. Blocking him again was a great act of self-respect.

After I went no contact, my ex sent me three horrible messages. The second and the most vicious said he hoped to have nothing to do with me ever again, and yet a month later he was messaging me again, this time with emotionally manipulative stuff about how I'd ruined his happiness. He clearly did want me to contact him, or he wouldn't have kept trying to goad a reaction out of me. Goading is the only way he knows to initiate contact when things have gone wrong - and for much of our relationship, it worked. I would respond to his vitriol by doing everything I could to comfort him, blaming myself for triggering him, and begging him for the chance to be a better partner. It was a dysfunctional way of communicating and this time I chose not to take part in it any more. Remaining NC is actually the most compassionate thing I could have done for him as well as for myself, and I think the same is true for you; you won't be doing your ex any favours if you reward his bullying behaviour by giving him the reaction that he craves. But that is a secondary concern. Your focus needs to be on your own healing.

[UnforgivenII]

We have a proverb here in Italy. Maybe there is a similar one where you live. It says more or less:"the one who despises is the one who buys it".
His contempt is on someone he LOST.He lost YOU.You, Sadly. The one person who is an angel to everyone,on this board and, I am sure, in real life too.
If you were so bad, then why this anger?
He lost YOU. And he knows that.

Without their masks on... .they are scary.
And allow your anger back. Because he is hurting you.
And you must start loving you, for a change.

He can't face rejection. The same rejection he crushed your soul with so many times... .he cannot face it.
How pathetic.

 

[Sadly]

WhoMe, Balletomane, all of you, Thanks isn't a big enough word, but, thanks. I will not go back to him or contact him, no point, I would get no answers. The answers are here, I have read them enough. His mum, I love her and she loves me and I am sorry I wont see her again. She asked that of me when we were together, I don't think he ever told his family we are not together, both his mum and his sister sent me loving birthday cards yesterday. I don't care, I don't want them to know, his mum is dying, she doesn't need to know that I am not with him anymore. I am trying to depersonalize everything but it's very hard. In 4 weeks we were going on holiday together to Corfu. It was booked last year before we broke up and is to a place we have been before and loved. This is so hard. Part of me just wants to not go at all and part of me is saying no, go, take your books, be warm, eat nice food, relax. I have no problems holidaying alone I have done it often I just don't want to be sad. After being NC for months I was ok with it to a point but after this sudden flurry of bombardment in the past week I just don't know anymore. I think of my holiday clothes and think, am I too old for that, does this look ridiculous, why would you wear that. I feel terrible, all over the place. Somehow it is like being in mourning, I lost him, the person I thought he was and I've lost me.

Of Unforgiven

I just saw your post, how fierce you are in my defense, I love you for that. Yes, it is true, he crushed my soul with rejection so many times and he can't face it, how right you are. xx

[zeus123]

He hates you because you loved him.

[patientandclear]

Sadly, you do see that the nastiness came directly on the heels of him asking to spend the weekend together? No one asks to spend the weekend with someone whom they actually find old and unappealing. As others have said this is a defensive cover for what he experiences as rejection.

[Sadly]

I do P&C and it was very soon after. It is also the nastiest he has been, he knew that I always worried about the age difference, when we first met he said it didn't matter and anyway I didn't look it. When he started devaluing me he said he couldn't get past it, even though he managed to do so, sort of, for another two years but this time, he went for the jugular, the things he said cut deep and hard and it's not easy to clear hearing it from my mind.

[chillamom]

Sadly, a very big hug to you... ..  I always read your postings and admire your bravery and compassion, and I'm literally sitting here with tears in my eyes not knowing what to say to you; I'm so, so, so sorry for this cruelty you have experienced, and as Patientandclear notes, the first thing I thought was wow, didn't he just ask her to spend time with him?  Of course, you stood your ground and this is your answer (once again) as to the depth of his illness.  His only way of dealing with your "rejection" (e.g., your sensible and well-considered refusal to re-engage) is to turn his shame and fury onto you.  The only way to keep his "balance" is to destroy yours.  

I have been on the receiving end of this as well.  After splitting from my diagnosed NPD/NPDbf 3 months ago, his constant texts waver from loving to desperate to vile and back again.  Sweetie, you and I know it doesn't change.  And I feel you on the age gap as well - I was (deep breath) 28 years older than my ex, so I understand how anything with reference to one's age exacerbates the pain.

I notice how YOUR first thought is of HIS pain.  I think the same way... .I have to confess that my ex's constant pleading and begging and telling me of his loneliness and sickness is really clawing at my heart and soul, and I feel positively evil standing my ground.  For empaths like you and I, it takes so much mental energy to defend against both their "kind" words and their frequent cruelty.

I have no good advice other than what everyone else has said.  They know so well how to stab us exactly in the most tender and painful places.  I'm so sorry and I hope that you find some strength and happiness despite this in your world today (maybe that furry friend can help - mine always do!). Please try to focus your mental energy on doing something for yourself today if you can; again, I'm sorry for the events of the past few days.

[patientandclear]

I do P&C and it was very soon after. It is also the nastiest he has been, he knew that I always worried about the age difference, when we first met he said it didn't matter and anyway I didn't look it. When he started devaluing me he said he couldn't get past it, even though he managed to do so, sort of, for another two years but this time, he went for the jugular, the things he said cut deep and hard and it's not easy to clear hearing it from my mind.

Yes, I know how that goes. My exH (not the guy who brought me to BPDF) used to reach for the things he knew were my deepest self-doubts (and others that weren't but he thought they should be--sometimes his aim was a little off!) when he felt hurt and I wasn't cooperating in how he wanted me to help him feel better.

You can know it is about them not you and yet it is still damaging when it clicks into your own self-doubt. Also damaging when it comes from someone who knows you best and who had once assured you on those very points. With me, I see now it made everything feel unstable and made the world feel not a very safe place. It's hard to have such things just bounce off.

To the extent you can, your job is to take this awareness of why it's happening and not let those things "dock" with any self-doubt. You are the same person he did want to be with despite the age difference. If he grasps for that issue now it is because it serves his need to explain or justify a big big loss.

[Sadly]

Thank you Chillamom, you're a darling. Everything you say is exactly that. I am sorry you are going through this too. I wish I had never met him. The few weeks of immense and beautiful joy has never been worth the last two years of this. I know some say they are grateful as they discovered their own weaknesses, that's fine, I'm not, I lived quite happily with my imperfections and hurt no one. Sadly, later in the day he sent a casual WhatsApp, asking if I wanted to forget all this and go watch football with him ! It's all too much. As old as I am   I would add another 5 years to my life in exchange for a cure for him, to know that he could one day be normal and find happiness, can't give more than 5, I'd probs be dead  . My furry friend helps big time, she pats my face and licks my eyebrows so lovingly. Thank you again.
Love from
Sadly x

[jambley]

You didn't deserve those vile texts Sadly. You seem like a lovely person

[Sadly]

Thank you Jamesss, that's a lovely thing to say 

[jambley]

You are very welcome. You made me realise that there are some genuinely nice people around, so thank you.

[Dusi2591]

From my experience however limited it seems our ex partners strike at our biggest insecurities. Striking our fears and insecurities usually makes even some of the most healthy doubt themselves. That's what my Ex wanted and I can only assume a lot of other ex partners on here wanted the same. Doubt allows yourself awareness to fade especially when someone you loved creates that doubt. Which then allows them to plant their reality into your thoughts. "Maybe I am the problem?" "Maybe I am Toxic?" "Maybe I didn't try hard enough" "Maybe I am Disordered." "Maybe I am Worthless, Old, Ugly".
 I have felt many of those I still feel them. Her still being with her new boyfriend and not talking to me for 2 months now on No Contact she initiated except when I ran into her a few weeks back and she said Hey to me and I waved and walked on by.
 I can tell you, even though this is the first post I've read of yours. You are not that person. You being on this thread shows you have Compassion, Empathy, Love. The problem with having these traits it leaves you open to feeling devastated and evaluating everything. That's what a healthy person does after traumatic experiences.
 You kept your promise to his mother. Don't forget that. You'll get through this.

[Fie]

Hello Sadly 

Is your ex someone who's afraid of aging ? Maybe he's afraid that he won't find a gf anymore because of his age ?
And now he projects his fear on you ?

Although what he said has nothing to do with you personally, I can imagine it's hard hearing what he said. It's a very mean attempt to hurt you ... .did you ever express fear of aging towards him ? My BPD ex once asked me if I was afraid of dying (he was).

xx

[FannyB]

Hi Sadly

Sorry to see you back on these boards after a prolonged absence - I really hoped you'd 'cracked it' and were over your ex.

Mental illness notwithstanding, he really is a vile individual to hurt you like this. I know rejection cuts deep with people with BPD, but some things just can't be excused. My worry is that while you reside in close proximity to him there is always a risk you'll bump into him and go back to square one.

Apart from blocking his number on your phone, what else can you do to provide you with that essential space to heal?


Fanny

[Breathe066]

The texts he sent. Happy Birthday however old you are Its too f*cking old for me. Happy birthday you lying old c*nt. mocking me.
I feel humiliated, old, ugly. Nothing. Rubbish. Stabbed through to the very core. I don't know how to get past this. I escaped it for months. NC.
I am not angry, I am filled with gut wrenching disappointment and now hatred. I am not perfect but I didn't deserve this. What have I done, I loved and cared.  Why does he hate me so much. The sun is shining, my little cat is playing in the garden, I want to feel content and happy like I used to be. I want to feel attractive and sexy and confident like I used to feel. I feel shredded. I'm sorry, I needed to say the words out instead of just in my head.

Sadly,
It's not you. It really is him. The guy's a douchebag. I dont care how many people on here make excuses and talk about how the pwBPD thinks he's acting defensively and so he seems to lash out. Sometimes they just lash out, out of the blue. He no doubt loved you at times, maybe even all the time, maybe part of him still does. But that text was a weapon designed to cut you to the core. You've got to be your own best friend now. I actually give myself pep talks. I actually say this out loud "Look, kiddo, you're a sweet woman who sure as hell didn't deserve this. You just ignore his crazy ass and do what's best for you. You deserve safety and peace and happiness. You don't have to put up with this." Block him. Focus on some activity you really like. Make yourself a good dinner. See a great film or show you couldn't watch with him. Try to think of all the fun, good things that he wouldn't allow you to have or enjoy, and enjoy them. That's good solid advice whether an ex is pwBPD or not.

[Sadly]

Hey Fannyb
You always manage to pop up when I need you. Thank you. Yes, I was doing well, months of well, not happy but managing. I accidentally saw him, thought I' d got away with it but clearly not. I won't go back to square one I promise you that. This has knocked the stuffing out of me but am still standing I guess. Well, everything is blocked, I will shop somewhere else and drive a different way to work. This job is pretty intense until December and maybe then I will be moving elsewhere on another contract. Am pretty rootless, I suppose it doesn't matter where I live. At least I know now that this grief will pass, before I didn't know that. It hurts very much right now though. I was alone for so many years before I met him, didn't trust love, then I did and now I don't again. Best off stay safe and alone I think. How are you, are you happy?
Love
Sadly 

[FannyB]

I'm fine my lovely. 2 years out and past being triggered by anything my ex might say or do. Can't say I'm happy - more content and focused on less complicated things than my ex was!  I was lucky though - when I weigh up the pros and the cons the relationship was still a net gain for me. Not sure too many people on these boards can say that unfortunately.

Glad you're not at ground zero and are confident you will recover - you have a lot of people rooting for you, even if you've never met any of them! 

Fanny

[Sadly]

FannyB so please for you content and focused is something to aim for. Why were you lucky,what net gain? Yes, I am feeling such agony today but I am lucky to be here and have these friends.
Love from
Sadly x

[Sadly]

Thank you Breathe

I know you are right. I was just blindsided, not writing much to day, struggling hard but thank you for being here and helping. 
love from
Sadly x

[jambley]

Sorry, but it makes me feel sick to hear unnecessary verbal abuse. Sadly, you didn't deserve that at all. Not nice.

[Sadly]

Thanks Jamesss, busy or not I am going home from work early, I am still in bits today, I need sleep. I have some pills from the chemist and if they don't work I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. Am just not dealing with this grief well today. 

Hey Dusie and Fie

sorry I didn't thank you yet, I missed them, you are lovely, I truly don't know where I would be if I couldn't come here.   
Love from
Sadly xxx

[jambley]

Hope you have a decent sleep and feel better soon!