Relationship ended soon after partner started DBT. What to expect?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I was in a long-distance relationship and shortly after my BPD partner got help and started DBT, she left me and soon found someone else. She didn't show remorse or accountability for how much she abused me when we were together, but did seem grateful that being with me finally caused her to get help and has said several times that I have been important in her life. In a way I thank her therapist for finally guiding her into leaving the relationship and stop the push/pull and abuse, but it has been extremely painful to accept that there is little closure and she has moved on to the next guy, and as of 7 days ago was steadily making more sense but still prone to splitting and blaming and refused to be accountable (not that I pushed her to be but all the patterns were still there). But I had enough of her abuse and decided to move on and minimize contact as she and I recover separately, as both her therapist, my therapist, and she (although very convenient for her given she found someone new and has still had no exposure to being alone) suggested. It's been 7 days of no contact from me and I do not intend to go back to being in contact.

However, I'm curious in trying to make sense of it all and prepare for future contact attempts by her if anyone has insight into the behavior of someone who is making progress with DBT (week 14 out of 24, distress tolerance done, emotional regulation almost, interpersonal effectiveness still to come) and seems on the cusp of 'seeing the light'. I am not holding out hope that she will finally apologize AA style and give me some validation and closure, but I can't help but wonder what the heck she is going through in her own recovery and if she will ever evolve in understanding my role in her life.

I have a feeling the answer is that I can have no idea what she will do and her recovery is now hers alone to go through, same with mine. But it would help if anyone has any insights or advice... .

[atalosstoaccept]

I was in a long-distance relationship and shortly after my BPD partner got help and started DBT, she left me and soon found someone else. She didn't show remorse or accountability for how much she abused me when we were together, but did seem grateful that being with me finally caused her to get help and has said several times that I have been important in her life. In a way I thank her therapist for finally guiding her into leaving the relationship and stop the push/pull and abuse, but it has been extremely painful to accept that there is little closure and she has moved on to the next guy, and as of 7 days ago was steadily making more sense but still prone to splitting and blaming and refused to be accountable (not that I pushed her to be but all the patterns were still there). But I had enough of her abuse and decided to move on and minimize contact as she and I recover separately, as both her therapist, my therapist, and she (although very convenient for her given she found someone new and has still had no exposure to being alone) suggested. It's been 7 days of no contact from me and I do not intend to go back to being in contact.

However, I'm curious in trying to make sense of it all and prepare for future contact attempts by her if anyone has insight into the behavior of someone who is making progress with DBT (week 14 out of 24, distress tolerance done, emotional regulation almost, interpersonal effectiveness still to come) and seems on the cusp of 'seeing the light'. I am not holding out hope that she will finally apologize AA style and give me some validation and closure, but I can't help but wonder what the heck she is going through in her own recovery and if she will ever evolve in understanding my role in her life.

I have a feeling the answer is that I can have no idea what she will do and her recovery is now hers alone to go through, same with mine. But it would help if anyone has any insights or advice... .

[once removed]

i feel your pain atalosstaccept 

it sounds, from here, that you played an important and supportive role in her life, and with her, having jumped in a new relationship without remorse leaves you feeling forgotten, unappreciated, unimportant, and it stings.

does that sound right?

[atalosstoaccept]

Hi Once Removed, yes that sounds right. Reading what you said made me cry, in a good way. It feels good to feel understood and like I'm a good person. I always wished she could say something like that to me, but I know she couldn't. I still hold on to hope that she might be able to, but I feel like I'm on track to feeling good again even if I never talk to her again.

[once removed]

it does help to feel understood, supported, to know that there are others who have been through similar, and that things get better. i remember when i first learned about BPD, and got support. to say i was elated would be an understatement. it was the first time id felt any relief or hope in months in what was a very dark time.

and there is hope, and it really does get better.

I always wished she could say something like that to me, but I know she couldn't.

i was amazed at the time how putting thoughts like this on paper could really help me. i might suggest an exercise where you fully get in touch with and explore this - what you hope/imagine she might say, how it would feel.

what do you think?

[atalosstoaccept]

That actually sounds like a great idea. Thank you so much for the suggestion. I think I'll give it a shot, maybe in one of the moments where I'm having a hard time not thinking about her. I really like the idea of defining closure on my own terms and getting validation from myself rather than her. That's honestly the hardest part of this whole mess.

i was amazed at the time how putting thoughts like this on paper could really help me. i might suggest an exercise where you fully get in touch with and explore this - what you hope/imagine she might say, how it would feel.

what do you think?

[once removed]

hows it going today? did you give the exercise a try?

[atalosstoaccept]

Hi there Once, thanks for checking in  

I have been struggling a bit with being haunted by/ruminating about her, and so I've held off on feeding it by doing this. Instead, I've started a journal of difficult thoughts/emotions and how I can respond to those. I've never had great self-esteem and boy did it take a beating in the 'relationship'. I've also taken a character survey at viacharacter dot org and am working through those to find myself and keep the focus on myself and my well-being.

But I do think I will try to do the exercise soon and I'm making a lot of progress on detaching. Right now my favorite response when I start to be haunted or ruminate is "It is normal to feel this way, but remember I don't have to think about her if I don't want to. I am lucky it is over and every day I get closer to liberation". I also had some really nice moments where I had some strong emotions and I felt like they were mine and mine alone (not hers... .). Boy was I in a miserable anxious state with her. Everything reminds me of her I still think of her constantly but at least it doesn't give me panic attacks and my dear family must be relieved I'm not calling them constantly  

hows it going today? did you give the exercise a try?

[atalosstoaccept]

Also, I remember now I did try to write down what she might say, but it ended up being a particularly lucid description of what happened in the relationship. It was so depressing to read I didn't want to think about her writing it as it would probably only add to the tremendous guilt she has built up inside from what she's done to myself and others. And I didn't want to post it here because it could be tough to read for someone who has not yet realized how sad these relationships can actually be, how troubled the person you love(d) really is, and how they really aren't the person you thought you fell in love with. Tough stuff.

[once removed]

I have been struggling a bit with being haunted by/ruminating about her, and so I've held off on feeding it by doing this.

that makes sense. i can see where in one case, it could be therapeutic, or it could just be depressing or draining.

Instead, I've started a journal of difficult thoughts/emotions and how I can respond to those. I've never had great self-esteem and boy did it take a beating in the 'relationship'.

do you mean like reframing your thoughts? thats a very CBT oriented approach, and can have a lot of benefit. do you want to elaborate on some of the difficult thoughts and how youre responding to them?

one step at a time. im glad to hear that things have gotten better. the future is bright.

[atalosstoaccept]

thanks for checking in with me Once, it's really nice to have your support and know you care  

Just a quick update:
It's been 18 days of no contact. I stopped having her emails filtered to someone I trust, but in any event she has not emailed (I have her blocked on everything else) in that time. The no contact has helped.

It's been up and down the last week, but generally up. I've been socializing a lot more, sometimes maybe too much drinking, and then I get a bit down. But I am not too hard on myself and on the whole hanging out with people regularly is so far from the depths of where I was a month or two ago... . 

An analogy I came up with that is helping me lately is that getting involved with her was like accidentally going the opposite way on the freeway. I weaved through oncoming traffic frantically till eventually I spun out and was lucky to survive and am recovering from the injuries. The only real lesson is why I ended up going the wrong way in the first place. After that, it was crazy and there is no point in reliving it -- I don't ever expect to be going the wrong direction on the freeway again. But over time I can take some lessons about how I ended up going the wrong way, if they are useful.

My feelings are becoming more and more my own, instead of being constantly related to her feelings, even when they are sad about what happened. Less and less I compare my life to hers, wonder who was right, why it happened, or have that spooky feeling like she will be there to judge my life since the breakup at some random point in the future. I'm inching closer to freedom, and I feel more comfortable feeling just plain sad about things without the crazy second guessing and self-judgment. I'm less scared that eventually I may not care much about her at all, or her about me.

[atalosstoaccept]

do you mean like reframing your thoughts? thats a very CBT oriented approach, and can have a lot of benefit. do you want to elaborate on some of the difficult thoughts and how youre responding to them?

I didn't know it was called reframing, I'll look it up. Sure, I can share some of them.

Difficult thought: I am alone & have failed in relationships and it's too late
Response: I have been improving myself and relatively soon will be ready for a fulfilling, mature relationship

Difficult thought: I'm not the person I thought I was, was in denial, worse than her, a fraud, etc.
Response: The relationship was traumatic and I forgive myself for the mistakes I did make. I have on the whole been kind to others and her.

Difficult thought: The pain I feel from the betrayal and abandonment will never go away and I will forever be brokenhearted
Response: Be brave. It's ok to feel hurt and accept what happened. I have made a lot of progress to be able to sit with the pain, and each time it hurts less and less. So I'm healing and eventually I won't be brokenhearted.

[Harley Quinn]

Ataloss,

It's clear you've been working hard!  Being able to pin down the thoughts and consciously respond in this way is really commendable.  In what other ways are you supporting your healing?  Have you taken a look at the Lessons?  It's good to touch base with these and see where we are in the process of detaching and healing from time to time.  You can be proud of what you're doing to take ownership of your recovery.   

Love and light x

[atalosstoaccept]

Hi Harley, here is my progress summary from least to furthest along in detachment, abandonment, and grief. Thanks for suggesting, it helped a lot to go back to the lessons and write it down  

DETACHMENT
1. Acknowledgment 2. Self-inquiry 3. Processing 4. Creative action 5. Freedom

The detachment cycle is the slowest for me because I am having to sort out a lot of issues I have had all my life. Addictions and compulsions, both chemical and behavioral, and deep-seated shame and low self-esteem. Encountering her sent these issues into overdrive. I am a bit stuck disentangling how I deal with the pre-existing issues I had moving forward, in the longer term, from detaching from and processing the relationship, in the shorter term.

For example, I still sometimes feel that if she gets her DBT complete and lives happily ever after with the new, possibly much more stable and secure guy, that that means I was as much to blame as her for the failure of the relationship, and that is very painful and reinforces my feelings of shame and inadequacy. So it's that I haven't fully internalized that possibility, and that my self-worth and well-being still feels like it depends on whether her current relationship fails (which if I keep no contact I am not really gonna find out anyway) which makes it clear to me I still have processing to do.

I know this is related to my need for validation in others, which is something I want to work on long term, I just don't want to wait till I figure it out before being able to detach. That's my detachment conundrum... .

ABANDONMENT
1. Shattering 2. Withdrawal 3. Internalizing 4. Anger 5. Lifting

The abandonment really, really, really hurt a lot. On a rational level, I understand she could only think of herself and didn't have bad intentions, etc etc, but it is hard to let go of the sense of injustice that I will not likely get an apology from her any time soon. Maybe a 'dear john' letter down the road once she processes it, if anything. And I still have to deal with my colleagues where she works, and it pisses me off to no end because she is there hanging out with them and I have to avoid it still because of the pain she can still cause me.

But this is one I feel that time will take care of, so I'm just being realistic and accepting that there is injustice in this world and that this is definitely one of them. I can't snap my fingers and make her completely disappear from my life. It also gives me so much sympathy for people who are forced to work, share custody of children, or otherwise interact with an xBPD who abandoned them. It really is insult to injury.

Also, I feel like I won't be so angry about her not taking responsibility or apologizing once I've processed the detachment more and my feelings of self-worth are not so attached to the relationship.

GRIEF
1. Denial 2. Bargaining 3. Anger 4. Depression 5. Acceptance

This one is pretty clear. At the end it was a long distance relationship -- last time I actually saw her was in May, and I've been through all these stages multiple times and grieved so much that I don't want her in my life any more and can't imagine getting back with her. Every day it feels like less of a loss and more of a trauma that I could have done with out. The good feelings are somewhere, but not easily accessed and I don't feel I miss them in my life and am looking forward to having better feelings in the future.

[Harley Quinn]

Good on you for taking the time to think about this and identifying where your current challenges lie.  Whilst time is a factor, being clear on what you might want to work on can only be of help in the process.  I must commend you for getting so well in touch with where you are and your level of acceptance when it comes to the injustice around the abandonment.  It's easy to get stuck there and find ourselves in an unhealthily drawn out state of anger, casting blame and bashing anyone with the disorder.  You really seem to have your thoughts in order and know in which direction you are headed.  I can empathise with feeling this:

For example, I still sometimes feel that if she gets her DBT complete and lives happily ever after with the new, possibly much more stable and secure guy, that that means I was as much to blame as her for the failure of the relationship, and that is very painful and reinforces my feelings of shame and inadequacy.

One of the most difficult things for me to process early on was my perceived failure to keep things together and work out or fix everything in the relationship, including him.  The thought of someone else being 'good enough' was torturous.
 In reality I brought my own stuff to the party - as we all do - and it has been a painful experience unravelling all of that and coming to terms with the fact that I wasn't the rescuer I thought I was - the person who had it all together.  Far from it in fact, as the codependency is a means of not dealing with my own issues so I was basically hiding from the truth and getting as much out of the unhealthy relationship dynamic as he was.  We both created the big mess that our lives became.  

Remember these words - from pain we grow.  Achieving good mental health is hard work and we are worth the effort.  I realise now that the effort I was putting into saving others needed to be directed towards myself.  Remind me whether you see a counsellor?  

I salute you on recognising the hard truths around your self worth and wellbeing being attached to outcomes outside of your control.  That is some excellent processing my friend!  With that knowledge we can create change.  Small steps in the right direction do stack up.  What can you do today to feel good about you for who you are? 

Love and light x

[atalosstoaccept]

Hi Harley, thanks so much for your encouragement and wisdom.

She treated me like crap half or more of the time and it messed with my head, but I have some responsibility for the relationship dynamics as well (that term, 'relationship dynamics' stings, by the way, she would use it towards the end as a way not to take responsibility for what she did to hurt me, over and over again, by blaming the 'relationship dynamics' and not her own actions). Indeed I did not setting boundaries, couldn't validate, became attached and obsessed/addicted, etc. etc.

I think I can forgive myself for clinging to the relationship as long as I did even in the face of continuous neglect and abuse. I can also accept that she may never see it the way I do, and that as much as I cared for her, I don't have much good feelings left for her and I can't really be there to find out if she recovers from BPD. That may change, but I really just want to put her behind me and not know her any more. I sometimes feel guilty about it but it's not personal -- the wounds are so deep that even if I heal I may never feel comfortable around her. It has felt good to let myself feel that way and let go of the FOG.

I am beginning to wonder if I am now just needing to kick the addiction to the drama and her itself, not really the pain any more. Just the emptiness of not having her to obsess about. I guess it ties into the codependency and fixing others to avoid or own issues ... .

[Harley Quinn]

Just the emptiness of not having her to obsess about. I guess it ties into the codependency and fixing others to avoid or own issues ... .

I hear you.  It is important to consider in what healthy ways you can fill that emptiness.  Many of us fall into depression and it's easy to turn to other unhealthy ways to soothe ourselves, such as alcohol, drugs, etc.  Whatever you choose to do to occupy that time and energy, make good choices so that it's positive for you.  Therein lies the opportunity to move your life in a healthy and fulfilling direction which in time can be the thing that causes us to be grateful for the pivotal moment created by our failed relationship.

Challenge yourself.  Today I will... .

Love and light x

[atalosstoaccept]

Thanks so much! I forgot to answer the question about whether I'm seeing a counselor. I was, but had to leave the country for all of October for work. I have an appointment when I return and am looking forward to it. In the meantime I am listening to different codependency podcasts and watching youtube videos. I'm not at a point where I feel grateful for this horrible failed relationship, but I am certainly taking advantage of this rock bottom to address the issues I had been wanting to before my life took a dive into borderline hell.

[Harley Quinn]

I have an appointment when I return and am looking forward to it. In the meantime I am listening to different codependency podcasts and watching youtube videos.

I am certainly taking advantage of this rock bottom to address the issues I had been wanting to

That's great to hear, and a wise decision.  Turning towards yourself is hard, but with practise gets easier and it becomes more natural to put yourself first.  I often ask people what they dropped on the way into a dysfunctional relationship, or what they always meant to start but didn't get around to.  It can be very satisfying to finally do those things and certainly in my case built a great deal of appreciation for the pure ability and freedom to choose to do those things without a vortex of drama ensuing.  I remember being grateful for my first very deep slow calm relaxing breath... .Now the 24/7 anxiety feels so far away it could have been in another lifetime.  Every day is a step towards better 

If I haven't said so before, posting in other discussions is also hugely beneficial in more ways than one, and if you've read all the articles and lessons here, take a look at some of our Workshops when you have time.  I dip in there often.  There are lots to choose from and you may find some speak to you when you check out the directory.

Love and light x

[once removed]

For example, I still sometimes feel that if she gets her DBT complete and lives happily ever after with the new, possibly much more stable and secure guy, that that means I was as much to blame as her for the failure of the relationship, and that is very painful and reinforces my feelings of shame and inadequacy. So it's that I haven't fully internalized that possibility, and that my self-worth and well-being still feels like it depends on whether her current relationship fails (which if I keep no contact I am not really gonna find out anyway) which makes it clear to me I still have processing to do.

I know this is related to my need for validation in others, which is something I want to work on long term, I just don't want to wait till I figure it out before being able to detach. That's my detachment conundrum... .

thats pretty self aware of you. i think a lot of us experience some of what you describe... .its an entire other thing to, to an extent, be able to separate yourself from it a bit, see it for what it is, and to pay attention to what its telling you.

it gets easier to do as the pain subsides... .you have to recognize and tend to the wounds. i mean, if you told me today that i was 100% responsible for the failure of my relationship, id shrug. at the time, when my confidence and self esteem were in tatters, if you even hinted i had anything to do with it, it would send me into a tailspin and rumination for hours on end. one usually has to untangle and detach from the wounds first... .at times even rail against the other party, blame them, etc. the stages of detachment, coupled with self awareness, are a great road map for navigating the complex mess that is detaching from the wounds.

I'm just being realistic and accepting that there is injustice in this world and that this is definitely one of them.

a lot of feelings of injustice have to do with feeling powerless. Radical Acceptance is a great tool/concept that can help temper it. i also advocate having an outlet for it. thats where writing was effective for me. it felt like justice, and it felt like power.

Also, I feel like I won't be so angry about her not taking responsibility or apologizing once I've processed the detachment more and my feelings of self-worth are not so attached to the relationship.

thats pretty insightful, too. its "detaching" in a nutshell. "attachment leads to suffering". theres attachment to the wounds.

[atalosstoaccept]

Let me just vent here.

The thing is, when we were still communicating, and I was begging to understand, she was telling me things that she learned in her own healing, like 'radical acceptance', 'self-love', 'two halves don't make a whole relationship', and on and on and on. These are all things that make perfect sense as I heal, and it's not like I hadn't heard them before. I was begging her to move towards mindfulness and acceptance before I knew what BPD or DBT was.

I thought geez, easy for you to say you get to visit a therapist for 1.5 hours a week, group therapy as well, AND you went and found another serious relationship almost within a month, by tindering one-night stands till she found a suitable mate, and was now happily in his arms. So to hear her tell me these things, even as she would still intersperse it with abusive and callous words, anger, and silent treatment. It's like she took even my healing away from me.

The last thing she told me was that her therapist explained to her that I am was addicted to her and she absolutely had to stop communicating with me, for my own recovery, and that she had 'inhibited grieving'. I think the inhibited grieving was supposed to explain somehow how she could just drop me like a bad habit. Finally, she said 'it doesn't end, even if it looks that way from the outside'.

All of this leaves me haunted and feeling like it hasn't actually ended. Ugh, it's truly awful. I wish I hadn't met her.

Thanks for reading.

[Euler2718]

I have an ex with a new guy. We still have contact. After she got him the wanted us to all meet fir dinner and told me he was wonderful etc. But the thing is showing cracks. In a tired moment she said she doesn't even want to be in a relationship (familiar ground to me), sometimes I think she hints at problems with alcohol. One stinging thing, she said she knew she was hard to deal with but her new guy had a "resilience" that I didn't have.

It may be not healthy and loving, but if they're really BPD, then her new relationship is doomed, and the one after that, and the next one -- you couldn't have made it work.

[once removed]

but if they're really BPD, then her new relationship is doomed, and the one after that, and the next one -- you couldn't have made it work.

but if it succeeds, does it mean atalosstoaccept could have made it work? i think if we attach too strongly to either notion, our recovery can be built on a shaky foundation. its about us now, and as we heal, about the lessons we want to take into future relationships, and making those work.

I thought geez, easy for you to say you get to visit a therapist for 1.5 hours a week, group therapy as well, AND you went and found another serious relationship almost within a month, by tindering one-night stands till she found a suitable mate, and was now happily in his arms. So to hear her tell me these things, even as she would still intersperse it with abusive and callous words, anger, and silent treatment. It's like she took even my healing away from me.

this would certainly leave me with a lot of resentment. its pretty maddening. my ex was very jealous, and i must have spent, in total, days on end arguing about her insecurities and imagination, only to realize after we broke up, that she probably cheated multiple times. i badly wanted, at the very least, for her to know that i knew that. its like, this is so absurd and unfair, what can i even do with it... .it gnaws at you. 

reading that quote of yours, theres a voice of empowerment speaking. id continue to tap into that vein, give it voice. it can guide us, it can speak to the injustice, it can speak to the negative thoughts, self blame, etc, and sort of assert itself prominently in our recovery.

[atalosstoaccept]

Well, I felt quite empowered and texted her after 28 days of no contact and five months to the day since I last saw her. I asked how she was (did not mention the 28 days or 5 months). She said she was well, asked how I was, and I told her I was well. I then asked her if she had anything to say and that I would be happy to hear it if so. She wrote that it would be nice to know how I am doing, but she doesn't have anything to say. I responded that I wouldn't mind catching up, but I have questions that I think are fair to ask. She has not responded. I am starting to doubt she will any time soon.

I don't regret reaching out. It helps me to know if nothing has changed, and that she is not apologizing or taking responsibility because she doesn't feel she needs to, rather than some desire not to be in contact. After all, she wouldn't mind hearing all about my life and chatting it up, so contact is not the problem.

So, now I know nothing has changed really, and that she could easily go a month, two months, maybe the rest of her life with not contacting me. Sadly, I think she might never give me closure about or take responsibility for the awful times she put me through. But I'm getting closer to accepting it, and knowing she has nothing to say to me now is more closure than I had before I reached out. I know I will eventually get complete closure whether or not she ever says a meaningful word to me.

[atalosstoaccept]

I asked if she ever thought she could talk about what happened, said I couldn't be friends or catch up with each other if not. She was very curt and said she has no idea what I need from her, then said ther will be no more discussions. It was cold and hurtful.

Still, I don't regret breaking NC. I needed to be sure it really was this bad and broken, from a place of more strength and confidence. When she texted that there will be no more discussion, like she was the boss and my feelings didn't matter, like there was no nicer way to say it, I just said 'ok. Good night.'

I was going to give her a piece of my mind, but I'm realizing it's pointless. My plan now is to just go back into NC, as it was, and continue my recovery and detachment. 

Instead of sending it to her, I'll write it here:

I left you completely alone for a month. I reached out to ask if you could talk about things, and nothing changed. It wasn't that you couldn't talk to me, there are reasons I can see why maybe that would be the case. It was that the way you answered made me feel despised, small, insignificant, and unimportant. Even if I trigger you, I thought by now through therapy and reflection you would be able to be kind and show respect to me as someone important to you, someone who loved and cared for you the best way they knew how and gave you everything they had, even if no longer someone you want to be with or is fulfilling any of your needs. Instead it was more of the same callous treatment. I don't deserve it, don't understand it, and I have lost hope it will ever change. I can speculate from things you've said in the past that perhaps you think it's an unhealthy dynamic, we just trigger each other, or I'm annoying, suffocating, obsessive, and needy, or whatever else. But it doesn't matter and never should have. All that matters is I don't deserve the way you treat me and I need to stop coming back expecting anything different from what I have always gotten.

[Harley Quinn]

I can speculate from things you've said in the past that perhaps you think it's an unhealthy dynamic, we just trigger each other, or I'm annoying, suffocating, obsessive, and needy, or whatever else. But it doesn't matter and never should have. All that matters is I don't deserve the way you treat me and I need to stop coming back expecting anything different from what I have always gotten.

Wise and powerful words ataloss.  How did you feel writing this out?  Was there a sense of release?

Love and light x

[atalosstoaccept]

I actually had more contact with her, I'll spare you the details but it was a hell of a rollercoaster: she cycled through value / devalue, sent me a picture of a plant I gave her, blamed me for wanting to harm herself while texting, apologized for her behavior, and called me a master of projection, manipulation and gas lighting. Perhaps the first time I've had her projection projected onto me by accusing me of projecting onto her, but also the last time. I hope she gets better, it must be awful to be so out of control and conflicted. I also know she is better off without being triggered by me checking in.

I told her I don't want to have her in my life. It was the first time told her how I truly felt, respectfully, but without fear of her reaction. Afterwards, she sent me a polite email with subject 'no contact', which I believe she crafted together with her therapist. She mentioned we agreed that our interactions are still triggering for each other, wished me well in my 'treatment', and said she would not initiate contact or respond to my messages for 6 months. I wrote back immediately and said being triggered doesn't happen very frequently for me and is something I can cope with, but that what does happen frequently and much harder to cope with is that I feel abused and disrespected. I also wished her well, in her treatment and recovery from BPD and past trauma, and told her the six months was not necessary and to please not contact me at all, as I wish to move on without her in my life.

All in all I feel so much more at peace now, knowing that it's unlikely she will try to ruin my reputation with my colleagues where she works, that she is under the care of a patient and skilled therapist, and that I am transitioning from processing to creative action and lifting.

I will probably take a break from this message board for a bit, and avoid googling about BPD, dependent personality disorder, covert narcissim, codependency, attachment trauma, and all the other stuff I've been reading about to try to figure out what happened. I wasn't obsessed with personality disorders before I met her, and I want to return to a normal and peaceful life where I can slowly work on what I need to and live in the present without panic.

I will see you folks in a while, I want to give back to this community that has helped me so much, not to mention I will probably need your help again  

Thanks again.

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks for the update.  It sounds like it took one more reminder to confirm for you that you are doing the right thing in detaching.  Well done on being clear about your wishes and intentions. 

I can imagine the relief you are feeling and also that other emotions will sometimes arise once the finality of the new arrangement kicks in.  Go ahead and post if you need to share when these come up but also remember that we are here for the crises and well beyond.  There is full scope here to work through the process of healing and then the Learning board where we can do a deeper dive on a personal level with a view to healthier relationships going forward.  I'd encourage you to review the lessons on both boards and get a feel for where you are and where you're going, so that you have an awareness of where your focuses may lie. 

I hope that you'll keep in touch and let us know how you're doing and any insights you have as time goes by.  Right now, do what you feel is best for you and know we'll be happy to hear from you.   

Love and light x

[once removed]

I will probably take a break from this message board for a bit, and avoid googling about BPD, dependent personality disorder, covert narcissim, codependency, attachment trauma, and all the other stuff I've been reading about to try to figure out what happened. I wasn't obsessed with personality disorders before I met her, and I want to return to a normal and peaceful life where I can slowly work on what I need to and live in the present without panic.

i hope you wont go underwater, but instead keep reaching, digging, learning. we have the Learning board where you can apply all of what youre working on, and the lessons you want to bring into your future. more human nature, less PD stuff 

the PD stuff can be a good gateway into broader learning that you can expand on.

[atalosstoaccept]

Thanks Harley and Once.

I will keep you updated on my progress. I am finally back home and going to continue with therapy, the plan is to define my values and I also am interested in correcting some maladaptive patterns of thought I think were ingrained in me during my very early years.

In other news, I feel so much better after being able to tell her I don't want her in my life and to wish her well. It's like a weight lifted. I'm now actually interested in trying to date, which is a weird feeling. I don't want to get into a serious relationship just yet, not ready, but umm, nature calls? Any advice or insights from the community on how (or whether) to wade back into the dating world while still detaching would be appreciated.

[once removed]

Any advice or insights from the community on how (or whether) to wade back into the dating world while still detaching would be appreciated.

the Learning board is also the "dating after BPD" board. there are a lot of considerations, and a lot of us struggle with adapting to the modern dating world. if you post specific questions/considerations there, youll get some great insight.

it would also be a great place to explore defining your values and correcting maladaptive thought patterns. so many of us got mixed up in, let slip, or even did not know what our values were. if youre like me, you may find in all of this that perhaps some are too rigid, or some are too soft, or some are vague and undefined. its a great lesson in what we want to take into future relationships.