sick of myself

[justMehere]

First, I am sorry that I am not offering support or help to anyone here and am just a "taker" at this point.

It is one week and 2 days since I broke up with him and we have contact nearly every day and it relieves me when we do. I told him last night that I am having trouble with letting go. He said he will take care of that for me. So, paradoxically, I am wanting him more than ever. I know this is a dysfunctional enmeshed great big old mess. I am a big mess. But all I want to do right this minute is text him that I want him back. I am restraining myself, but it is all I want right now.

I will re-read my reasons that I have to be angry (though I am not) and other written materials for support.

One of the problems is he is just a big sweetheart who is very troubled. I know he cant (or at least cant with me) have a healthy relationship, but it is not stopping my desire for him. I cant even remember all the reasons I wanted him out for so many months.

[seeking balance]

bargaining is a stage of grief - it is at this point when the reality of the situation presents itself.

Many people go back at this point rather than face the pain that is certain to come when he head into feeling all the grief.

This is the same stage when drug addicts go back to the drugs - "it wasn't that bad, really."

The brain wants the drug back - craves the drug.  Having little doses of your drug (talking) each day is not satifying the addiction any longer.  Feels better, but I want MORE... .

If you choose to go back - what lessons on the leaving board have you been practicing to not make the situation worse?

If you choose to stay broke up - what actions can you do to help you with your current feelings?

Nothing is easy about the situation you are in - I am sorry you have to expereince this.

[justMehere]

Seeking Balance,

thank you. Of the stages of grief (learned in nursing school), I prefer any of them to the depression, but dont know that they are necessarily healthier.

Maybe I am a bit in Denial right now--like the drug addict example you gave. Maybe some Bargaining too. If we get back together... .x, y, and z will have to happen.

Anger is what I want but dont have. Even when I refer back to the anger list, I dont feel angry.

Depression is my constant companion.

[eldrinfein]

I believe we all have been in your shoes and wanted to call/text/see our ex BPD friends. Most of us did... .and regreted it after... .

My advice for you would be to re-read "How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves"... .just to remind you what is going to happen next. After my first break up I was in shock, feeling numb for weeks and weeks. All I wanted to do was to see/hear her. I met her in college after 4 weeks... .and she blamed me for breaking up with her, although she called me to say "it is over, I need to think about myself)... .then she started to play the victim saying that she was afraid I'm going to hurt her... .Unfortunatelly I got sucked back into the vortex... .for more pain and hurt... .It lasted 2 weeks this time... .very intense... .we were looking at wedding rings  ... .then I got a text ... .with it is over... .no reason given... .( guess I was luckier the first time... .at least she called... .hehe). There is not much that you can do now... .when your emotions are so powerful, so fresh into your mind... .but in time you will be ok... .you'll need to focus on yourself and overcome the matternal feelings that he brings up in you... .("One of the problems is he is just a big sweetheart who is very troubled.".

And Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's model of grief is a bit outdated... .human beings are not robots... .they do not go through stages like a computer program. Two of the most recent theories are Continuing Bonds/Meaning making and the Dual process model... .which involves an oscillation. So a better explanation for your grief is that you oscillate between loss and restoration oriented stressors. Basicaly your mind is using the oscillation as a regulatory coping process to avoid-confront the pain generated by grief.

[2010]

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's model of grief is a bit outdated... .human beings are not robots... .they do not go through stages like a computer program.

Kübler-Ross added that it's important to note that these stages are not meant to be complete or chronological. Not everyone who experiences a life-threatening or life-changing event feels all five of the responses nor will everyone who does experience them do so in the order that is written. Reactions to illness, death, and loss are as unique as the person experiencing them.

Susan Anderson writes: "Abandonment has a grief cycle all of its own. Left unresolved, it can damage self esteem and interfere in future relationships. Yet society does not recognize abandonment as grief. Unlike when death is involved, abandonment survivors must go through the devastation with their grief shrouded in secrecy and silence. Their loss is consummate, their pain as great as those grieving over a death. But the person they love is not lost to the rest of the world, only to them. They are isolated in their despair. Rather than feel entitled to a period of morning, they feel victimized by having 'been left.' You S.W.I.R.L. through the stages over and over within an hour, a day, a month, sometimes a period of years - - cycles within cycles - - until you emerge out the end of the funnel-shaped cloud, a changed person, better able to find love than before."

www.abandonmentrecovery.com/swirl.html

[The Ride]

5: LIFTING - your anger helped to externalize your pain. Gradually, as your energy spurts outward, it Lifts you back into Life. You begin to Let go. Life distracts you and gradually Lifts you out the grief cycle. You feel the emergence of strength, wiser for the painful Lessons you've Learned. And if you're engaged in the process of recovery, you get ready to Love again.

A word of caution: When you Lift, it is important to take your feelings with you. Otherwise you Lose connection with yourself once again, creating an internal barrier to others.

2010,

Thanks for the link, it's very interesting.  What do they mean by "When you lift, take your feelings with you"? 

I noticed that anger was the last emotion that I felt before I started getting better.

[foiles]

"I cant even remember all the reasons I wanted him out for so many months."

Nomore,

You will if you go back

[winandcover]

I can relate to your situation.  About a month or so ago, I found out that my exBPDgf had been living with another man for about 3 months.  We have a long distance relationship.  Even after finding that out, I still paid for her car insurance and she remained on my cell phone plan.  I remember texting her something on the order of "I can't cancel your insurance.  I could never do something to hurt you.  I need you in my life.  You're the girl I'm going to marry."  This was AFTER I found out she'd been living with this person.  I got no response.  I was practically begging her to talk to me.  When she texted me, it was like a load off my mind.  As if her message to me (regarless of what it said) was somehow a signal of hope for the future.  I was never as miserable as I was for the week or so that followed.  Then, I had an epiphany of sorts thanks to a friend of mine.  He told me that "The decision to leave is not hers alone becuase sooner or later, she's going to try to get you back.  You need to make a decision NOW that you're through with her so you'll be prepared for her antics down the road."  What a relief!  That alone gave me such a sense of empowerment - and, more importantly, when she did try to reel me back in (about 5 days later) I was prepared to reject her advances.  Fast forward to today, I'm much happier than I've been in quite some time.

First, I am sorry that I am not offering support or help to anyone here and am just a "taker" at this point.

It is one week and 2 days since I broke up with him and we have contact nearly every day and it relieves me when we do. I told him last night that I am having trouble with letting go. He said he will take care of that for me. So, paradoxically, I am wanting him more than ever. I know this is a dysfunctional enmeshed great big old mess. I am a big mess. But all I want to do right this minute is text him that I want him back. I am restraining myself, but it is all I want right now.

I will re-read my reasons that I have to be angry (though I am not) and other written materials for support.

One of the problems is he is just a big sweetheart who is very troubled. I know he cant (or at least cant with me) have a healthy relationship, but it is not stopping my desire for him. I cant even remember all the reasons I wanted him out for so many months.

[justMehere]

I think the announcement is right. I should move to Undecided, I suppose.  ?

One minute I am grieving, the next I am questioning myself, ad nauseum.

thanks for all the support here. 

[The Ride]

I think the announcement is right. I should move to Undecided, I suppose.  ?

One minute I am grieving, the next I am questioning myself, ad nauseum.

thanks for all the support here. 

Those pop up in all of the posts, so it's nothing personal pertaining to yours.

[foiles]

We'll be here... .If you call.

[Robhart]

About a year ago I went back for round 2 after a 3 month split.During the split I was in contact a lot and was still under her"spell".Of course she got involved with someone else during the split and I thought the new guy was going to take advantage of her and I needed to step back in.

Of course when I came back she said she was done with the new guy(He had gone out of town for a 6 months.) She was still calling him as well as other guys. The abuse and drunkenness with her continued. This time I could see how she fit almost all the BPD criteria.I pulled the plug and haven't seen her for 6 months and had n/c for 5 months.It has been hard but much much easier with n/c and I have actually moved forward with my life.

I was on those  undecided/staying boards and it still pains when I think of the souls in denial trying to make an almost impossible situation work. You always hope your situation will be different from the others but unfortunately its not.

If you are ever going to have a chance of moving on you need to go n/c.

Good luck whatever your decision.