It all makes sense after reading about BPD - but it still sucks

[One.day.at.time]

Hello out there,
I am reading "stop walking on eggshells" and decided a support group is definitely what I need right now.
I want to believe there's hope for my relationship with my BPD husband of 5 years, but some days I find myself planning the end.
I do all the changing and learning and growing and therapy and emotional work. Will I always be the one who does the work while he continues to behave in an unhealthy way? I wonder this often. And how much more can I take?
It seems he doesn't have to change, now that I understand why he freaks out about nothing and then blames his rage on  me for having the wrong tone while asking a question - I should be forgiving? I love this man, but I have had enough and I just don't know 1) if I can trust things will change or 2) how much more rage I want my daughter to experience.
I know there are a lot of people in my shoes out there.
And there's so much about his behavior that I find unacceptable but my boundaries are so undefined. And trampled so many times. I feel too forgiving, but I'm reading that I have to be because he's just a scared little boy afraid of abandonment.
Sometimes I don't want to be strong. I want to be vulnerable and taken care of and just loved for being me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi One.day.at.time, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily and I also want to apoligize for the delayed response.

I do all the changing and learning and growing and therapy and emotional work. Will I always be the one who does the work while he continues to behave in an unhealthy way? I wonder this often. And how much more can I take?

I can see how 5 years would feel frustrating and exhausting for you, I'm sorry. A pwBPD have social impairments, BPD is a serious mental disorder and I'd like to point out a BPD criterion that they have a chaotic interpersonal relationships, a pwBPD have a lot of internal struggles. That being said, it's difficult to be rationale when you're emotionally dysregulated, think about this way, have you ever had something where it was really distressing and think about how rational you are in that moment? BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder where the person can't self sooth and it takes the person much longer to return to emotional baseline.

There are things that you can do, it's not easy but you can move into a healthier direction in your r/s with skills that help in a r/s with a pwBPD, you can the basic tools and the lessons on the right side of the board, change doesn't happen overnight, it takes times but every day can be a step closer to your goals.

how much more rage I want my daughter to experience.

Your poor D, how old is she? How is she doing? Are you around when this happens?

And there's so much about his behavior that I find unacceptable but my boundaries are so undefined. And trampled so many times

This is where the group comes in, you're right many of us here have been in your shoes, it may feel hopeless when you turn to family and friends and they don't get it. They mean well, I think of it this way, it's difficult for someone to empathize with divorce unless they've gone through the experience themselves, they get it, we get it because we have a pwBPD in our lives. We're here to support you and help you with your boundaries and to make sure that you don't get trampled on and you pick you up when it happens. You're not alone.

Are you seeing a T (therapist )? What do you do for self care?

[isilme]

Will I always be the one who does the work while he continues to behave in an unhealthy way?

Going on 21 years here, so I can answer Yes and No.  Yes, you will always be the more emotionally capable one in the pair.  That's not to say you will always be able to be a perfectly reacting robot, nor should you be, but you are by nature already the more self-aware person, and the more emotionally stable one.  And with that said, you will always be doing a lot more of the work. 

I liken BPD to emotional diabetes, simply because both are conditions that do not go away, they are with that person forever, and both require maintenance and can benefit from assistance from a spouse. 

My H is emotionally disabled.  He cannot shrug things off, self-soothe, easily.  Small things for me can feel like huge issues to him, and he lacks something that I have that enables me to put things in perspective, and for H, all feelings are truth especially at the moment they occur - there is no past, no future.  Lessons and skills many other non-BPD people learn as toddlers and teens are not there.  H has almost a form of limited object permanence.  H has limited concepts of how to let things go, how to have both good and bad impressions of people simultaneously. 

Knowing this, I tell people on here I would not get mad at him is he had no legs for not being able to change the porch light on a ladder, so I try really hard to not allow myself to be hurt when he can't/won't keep his emotions in check, manage them reasonably, and express them in a non-abusive way. 

Since I've been coming to this site, and working on being less codependent, and letting H be responsible for his own feelings and stopped as best as I can from trying to manage his feelings for him, he HAS improved.  He went from being a guy who quit his job without a second thought because someone sassed him, to being a guy who was willing to work long hours to make up time he took off so he could finish school.  He went from staying home all day in a depressed state to a guy who still struggles with depression but makes himself go to work to help fight it.

So as you improve, your H can't help but come along for the ride at some point.  There will be a delay, like you're tethered on a rubber band or bungee and as you stretch away, he will snap to you eventually.  Then you move to the next step, pick another boundary, and work on that one. 

Sometimes I don't want to be strong. I want to be vulnerable and taken care of and just loved for being me.

This can come.  You will most likely still be the stronger overall.  But as you get healthier, your H will have to learn new skills to deal with your new normal, and he WILL be able to give you more than he is able to now.  Sadly, it's a bit like a toddler needing to learn to walk, and can only do it when Mom walks away to give him a goal to reach. 

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks Isilme and Mutt for teaching us some realistic expectations.

It's a bit overwhelming to think you guys have been at this and still struggle, when we are just starting (3 years) and we don't know if we can cope. Did you feel it was too much at the beginning of the r/s? I surprise myself, and I'm surprised I still love her very much. When I had so many moments since the beginning that I thought "I can't".

When she punishes herself a lot (calling herself names and so on) I say we wouldn't ask Stephen Hawkings to run a marathon, but we still admire him a lot, he's a remarkable person. Even getting up or dressing himself would be a great achivement to him, so we have to admit the things we can't do, but celebrate the ones we can, even if they are given to other people without effort.

Another difficulty is that people from outside don't see anything. My GF is the most polite and sweet person with strangers, and acquaintances, they wouldn't believe my life. Example: My family wouldn't believe the hell that breaks lose everytime there's going to be a family event, since we know until we arrive, because once there, she's the sweetest girl. I'm never sure until we jump in the car if she's going to attend or not. And I can't tell them because I want them to like her.

Even if she lashed out with someone else, they would shake it off easily, not being in love with her. We, the ones that are hurt the easiest, are the ones that have to take the most, and try to understand it. It is hard work.

I'm worried I have developed something mental, as I get over things easier than before. I almost don't remember the bad things as soon as there is some good moment. I take the good with suspicion, and I don't let go caution. But I don't keep thinking and thinking about yesterday. And it feels like blocking painful memories, not just being easygoing.  I'm worry they will pile up and blow up some day.