Knowing When To Keep Your Mouth Shut

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This past Sunday on her time, my ex invited me to join them at the park on a play date (I hate the term) with S8 and his buddy.  D6 was included by default.  I was invited, which was nice of her.  Two years ago I would have refused,  but I'm better. 

My ex and the other mom (her husband wasn't there) were talking and I was kind of joining in.  We discussed injuries and the time our son fell off my bed and literally cracked his skull. Mom was in Vegas.  After I took him to Emergency, I called her since she was returning that night.  She told the other mom that before I called that she had a feeling.  Of course the other mom validated "Mommy's Intuition."

I'm not so cynical that I think that there might not be anything to that,  but what I bit back and didn't say was,  "what about those times when you call the kids on my time because you 'had a feeling'? about one of the kids yet nothing was wrong, false positives which were only random triggers given your diagnosed Anxiety?"

Yes, I kept my mouth shut rather than triangulate the other mom to validate me which would have failed. 

[Turkish]

This past Sunday on her time, my ex invited me to join them at the park on a play date (I hate the term) with S8 and his buddy.  D6 was included by default.  I was invited, which was nice of her.  Two years ago I would have refused,  but I'm better. 

My ex and the other mom (her husband wasn't there) were talking and I was kind of joining in.  We discussed injuries and the time our son fell off my bed and literally cracked his skull. Mom was in Vegas.  After I took him to Emergency, I called her since she was returning that night.  She told the other mom that before I called that she had a feeling.  Of course the other mom validated "Mommy's Intuition."

I'm not so cynical that I think that there might not be anything to that,  but what I bit back and didn't say was,  "what about those times when you call the kids on my time because you 'had a feeling'? about one of the kids yet nothing was wrong, false positives which were only random triggers given your diagnosed Anxiety?"

Yes, I kept my mouth shut rather than triangulate the other mom to validate me which would have failed. 

[Notwendy]

Good job there!

Seeing the public persona of someone with BPD can be striking, especially when we have seen the whole picture. I try to stay out of that too. What is does is create a cognitive dissonance for the other person- they only see what they see and if we say something, they then have to wonder which person is right here. They don't know us as well, so often they will decide we are the one who is off their rocker saying things like that.

If the pwBPD has to save face, they are likely to paint us black to their friend. So on these light social situations, I feel it is best to just not say anything either.

[scraps66]

... ."had a feeling my emotions were being needy."

[formflier]

Even better... .when you have taken your wife out to dinner and she is discussing her 2nd grade classroom.  Then she announces that she has learned "It's important to realize that if someone is going to pitch a fit to get something, you need to make sure they don't actually get it, otherwise they will keep pitching fits... ."


Ummm... yeah... .it was really hard to stay cool listening to that... .

Good job letting a fastball pass by you Turkish.  Also good job spending time with kids, even it it means being exposed to some BPDish stuff... .


FF

[takingandsending]

the other mom validated "Mommy's Intuition."

Umm ... .yeah. There is actually some physiological basis for a mom's bodily intuition with infant children. It is absolutely cool, and proven. Stuff like how a baby's cries trigger hormonal response that stimulates milk production.

And then there's my uBPDxw explaining to everyone how she is on the bodhisattva fast track for all the sacrifices she had to make so our son could survive. He was a healthy 9 month old baby at the time. Yes, she believed heartily that her mommy intuition was infallible ... .except when it wasn't.

I sometimes wonder how the heck I ever survived.

Good on ya, Turkish, to not swat the softball out of the park. But also good that you shared it here. I think Mark Twain once wrote about the dangers of keeping a story to yourself.

[Turkish]

I figure if it helps somebody, even lurkers.

At least the kids aren't bringing to my home things from her 7 Habits of Highly Effective Kids program that she's had them doing.  Though there's some validity there, I'm more concerned with letting kids be kids, drawing appropriate boundaries so it doesn't become Lord of the Flies. 

All of her self help books... .that isn't it. 

[kells76]

I remember one front-porch "conversation" with the kids' mom about 4-5 years ago. Mom commented on how well SD10 (then SD5 or 6) was doing at their house "because she had a younger sibling". Recall Mom and Stepdad had their kid about 8 months after their wedding which was 3 months after the engagement which was 3 months after the divorce.

DH couldn't help telling her that we'd get right on that at our house.

For once Mom was speechless... .ahh, memories.

[empath]

A couple of years ago, my h had a new client for his freelance business. This client was very emotionally needy and rather explosive. H said the client was trying to emotionally manipulate him into doing something and h had to put some boundaries in place. H also really identified with this client, now they are 'friends'.

Sometimes, responding isn't really worth the cost.  

At least the kids aren't bringing to my home things from her 7 Habits of Highly Effective Kids program that she's had them doing. 

My h is teaching at a local career college; one of his courses is "Psychology of Success". He says he is teaching emotional intelligence... .  H has a track record of staying with a company for about 2 years.