BPD birthday tomorrow- anxious

[Letloverule]

My wife wBPD has her birthday tomorrow. And I'm anxious.
I get anxious every year because there's always something that enrages her.
I've tried to learn along the way and Last year was actually sane.
This year feels different. Last night was rough- I got my butt handed back to me for JADEing. This morning was rougher- apparently I didn't do anything for her to have a good morning because of how exhausting last night was. I got up early to take a conference call for work. She said to let her sleep in. I know how protective she is with her rest so I did that and didn't bother her even after the call. I just got ready for work. When I walked in the bedroom to grab my things she was awake. But I didn't know if she still wanted to go back to sleep. She got up and started coming at me saying I didn't put things in place to have a good morning. I got anxious and froze like a little lamb. She told me to just leave, so I did. Halfway to my car she comes out and says: no decency to say bye?
I came back and said sorry. She said just leave and anything you have planned for my birthday just cancel it... I don't want to pretend that you're kind to me tomorrow.
i picked up flowers, ordered her favorite cake, a card and a few other things. I scheduled a spa day for her tomorrow that I have not yet cancelled.
So now I am home and she will be back in a few hours. I called her and she said she is not going out tonight, she what a good day by herself and she wants a good night (by herself or not I don't know).  I'm anxious about her seeing the flowers, gift, etc when she comes home. It's like I'm disrespecting her since she told me to cancel everything- but that doesn't feel right to me. She will say I did all these things to feel good about myself.
Ugh

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[Harley Quinn]

Hi Letloverule,

Sorry to hear about the anxiety this occasion causes you.  Special occasions can be notoriously triggering.  It sounds as though you are torn between what you feel you want to do and being unsure what action will be most agreeable to your wife.  What does past experience tell you in this sort of situation?

I've tried to learn along the way and Last year was actually sane.

What was different about last year that made it better?  Perhaps you can recollect something which went well that you can apply to ease this birthday for both of you and make it an enjoyable, less anxious experience?

Hope it can be a successful day for you and your wife to celebrate together.  Let us know how it goes.

Love and light x

[Lakebreeze]

I'm just offering sympathy because I dread Birthdays. My uBPDh and mine. They both trigger him. I just try to keep reminding myself that's it's really not about me. I try to picture him as a child having all these expectations for this Birthday as if it could fill all his emptiness. And it's far easier for him to blame me for it. Good luck!

[Letloverule]

Thanks for the response. Last year was better because our environment was more calm. There was less happening and less frequent segments. Definitely none the days leading up to it.

She came home relatively calm and preferred ordering dinner from outside tonight. So I did while she napped. When it was time to eat, she blew up because the portion size was too small. It is exactly what we've ordered in the past so I'm at a loss.
She thought the flowers were ugly because of the vase I put them in.

She told me to get out so now I'm on our porch eating dinner and staring at the bouquet. Unsure if I should try to fit them in another vase or just toss them in the dumpster.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Letloverule,

Sorry to hear that things were difficult in the evening.  Did things improve after your dinner on the porch?  Hope the rest of the birthday went better than expected.  You mentioned JADEing so you clearly have put some effort into working on communicating effectively.  What other tools have you picked up on the site and tried so far to help with easing communication between you? (Links to the right of the page, in case there are any you haven't yet checked out)  What seems to work well for you?  It takes a lot of patience and strength to implement these things however many see a positive result from sticking with it.  We will never get it right all of the time and that's OK.

Love and light x

[Letloverule]

Thanks Harley.
Things have not been much better. She ended up getting another vase and arranged the flowers herself.
We then watched a movie together and when it was past midnight, I was hesitant to wish her happy birthday because it wouldn't feel right and she would snap at me. At 12:20 she told me to pack my things and leave.
Instead of arguing I apologized and left.
I drove around for a while and she texted asking if I was safe and I could sleep on the couch.
So I came back and apologized again and said I would not drag her into a monologue things are bad as they are.
things were pleasant (not normal) and she said goodnight. I drank a bit too much and fell into a deep sleep on the couch at 4am.
I set my alarm so I could make breakfast for her. When I woke up I felt panicked again. I made coffee for both of us and I kept pacing around with the mugs and peered into the room where she was still sleeping. I felt so unsure about making breakfast because that would have woken her up.
I laid next to her in the bed and an hour later she threw a pillow at me for not planning the day and make her birthday breakfast. I didn't have an excuse- I guess I was in extreme self preservation mode.
Again, she told me to get out. So I left and she said to give her at least a couple of hours. I picked up some food and when I came home- I got it again- "I wanted a wholesome day... .not someone swiping their card and getting takenout like a teenager".
So then I started cooking. She said to just stop. There's a point where it's just game over for the day.
Things are tense but not explosive. We are planning on getting a drink and she is hoping to get some more of her tattoo finished.
At this point I'm just going to write off the day. I didnt anticipate it to be this bad.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Letloverule,

It sounds like you go to great efforts to accommodate and satisfy your wife's wishes.  This takes a great deal of empathy, patience and care.  Would you say that the type of behaviour you experience around a birthday is pretty typical of / more severe than her usual behaviour?  How long have you been married? 

Love and light x

[MrRight]

I sympathise.

My wife (pwBPD) is similar - and I also dread all birthdays, special occasions etc. I even get slammed on my own birthday for not making a special day the way it should be.

I forgot to buy her a gift 1 year - was intending to take her out for a meal. That was one day I would like to forget - she virtually trashed the house.

Now I have a plan each year - flowers in the morning - in bed - special cooked breakfast - quality gift - cashmere sweater or similar high value item - day out if possible - or trip to expensive restaurant in evening promised and fulfilled. A typical birthday costs £200 ($250) - which I cant really afford. Important to look happy and relaxed.

With this plan well executed I can usually survive.

and I hate my own birthdays too - christmas - oh and valentines day and women's day - mother's day. why are there so many days for women! I wish they would all go away.

[Coconut2017]

I am reading these responses in total horror. Why do we put up with this behaviour? We are bending backwards and forget the appreciation, we get tantrums and rages back.
I cannot remember any occasion be it a birthday or a holiday to go smoothly.
So I have decided to do something different  - I meant to book a week in Bali in couple of months time as there will his cousin's wedding going on and the date is close to our 2nd wedding anniversary, so the idea was to have a well deserved time off, however, I do not want to throw away £2,000 on something that will be ruined and for the same money I booked myself into hypnotherapy/Time Line Therapy course to deal with my own issues. Money well spent!