How do adults process behavior and treatment? Especially from their BPD?
Sam Vaknin wrote an interesting observation about people that were suffering after a run in with a Narcissist. While painful to read, it gives a sense that there is a defined progress in mourning the relationship. ( NOTE: I've changed *Narcissist* and inserted *Borderline* in it's place.) Take a read and see if anything resonates within you:
At the commencement of the relationship, the Borderline is a dream-come-true. He is often intelligent, witty, charming, good looking, an achiever, empathetic, in need of love, loving, caring, attentive and much more. He is the perfect bundled answer to the nagging questions of life: finding meaning, companionship, compatibility and happiness. He is, in other words, ideal.
It is difficult to let go of this idealized figure. Relationships with borderlines inevitably and invariably end with the dawn of a double realisation. The first is that one has been (ab)used by the borderline and the second is that one was regarded by the borderline as a disposable, dispensable and interchangeable instrument (object).
The assimilation of this new gained knowledge is an excruciating process, often unsuccessfully completed. People get fixated at different stages. They fail to come to terms with their rejection as human beings – the most total form of rejection there is.
We all react to loss. Loss makes us feel helpless and objectified. When our loved ones die – we feel that Nature or God or Life treated us as playthings. When we divorce (especially if we did not initiate the break-up), we often feel that we have been exploited and abused in the relationship, that we are being "dumped", that our needs and emotions are ignored. In short, we feel objectified.
Losing the borderline is no different to any other major loss in life. It provokes a cycle of bereavement and grief (as well as some kind of mild post traumatic stress syndrome in cases of severe abuse). This cycle has four phases: denial, rage, sadness and acceptance.
Denial can assume many forms. Some go on pretending that the borderline is still a part of their life, even going to the extreme of "interacting" with the borderline by pretending to "communicate" with him or to "meet" him. Others develop persecutory delusions, thus incorporating the imaginary borderline into their lives as an ominous and dark presence. This ensures "his" continued "interest" in them – however malevolent and threatening that "interest" is perceived to be. These are radical denial mechanisms, which border on the psychotic and often dissolve into brief psychotic micro-episodes.
More benign and transient forms of denial include the development of ideas of reference. The borderline's every move or utterance is interpreted to be directed at the suffering person and to carry a hidden message which can be "decoded" only by the recipient. Others deny the very disordered nature of the borderline attributing to him ignorance, mischief or vicious intentions. This denial mechanism leads them to believe that the borderline is really not a borderline but someone who is not aware of his "true" being, or someone who enjoys mind games and toying with people's lives, or part of a dark conspiracy to defraud and abuse gullible victims. Often the borderline is depicted as obsessed or possessed – imprisoned by his "invented" condition and, really, a nice and gentle and lovable person. At the healthier end of the spectrum of denial reactions is the classical denial of loss – the disbelief, the hope that the borderline may return, the suspension and repression of all information to the contrary.
Denial in mentally healthy people quickly evolves into rage. There are a few types of rage. It can be focused and directed at the borderline, at other facilitators of the loss, such as the borderline's lover, or at specific circumstances. It can be directed at oneself – which often leads to depression, suicidal ideation, self-mutilation and, in some cases, suicide. Or, it can be defuse, all-pervasive, all-encompassing and engulfing. Such loss-related rage can be intense and in bursts or osmotic and permeate the whole emotional landscape.
Rage gives place to sadness. It is the sadness of the trapped animal, an existential angst mixed with acute depression. It involves dysphoria (inability to rejoice, to be optimistic, or expectant) and anhedonia (inability to enjoy, to experience pleasure, or to find meaning in life). It is a paralysing sensation, which slows one down and enshrouds everything in the grey veil of randomness. It all looks meaningless and empty.
This, in turn, gives place to gradual acceptance and renewed activity. The borderline is gone both physically and mentally. The void left in his wake still hurts and pangs of regret and hope still exist. But, on the whole, the borderline is transformed into a narrative, a symbol, another life experience, a truism and a (tedious) cliché. He is no longer omni-present and the person entertains no delusions as to the one-sided and abusive nature of the relationship or as to the possibility and desirability of its renewal.
www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Vaknin26.html