How do I forgive myself?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After some thinking, I feel I know at least partly why I keep rumination about my ex.

I am making progress with the normal moving on after a breakup, slow, but at least its progress.

However the one thing ive really struggled with is ruminating about her, and thinking what if etc, and i think thats down to me not being happy with my part of the R/S

As we know people with BPD come on pretty fast and intense, My life went from a single 21 year old, enjoying time with mates etc, to the next thing i know, im living with her and raising her son and due to be married, it was a matter of months, but it felt like a blink of the eye.

and I know i had these internal batters, "is this what you want?" "dont you want to live your life more before you settle down?" Things like that. So when the typical stresses of the lifestyle i was now in came up, I feel I didnt have the commitment or patiance to deal with it to the best of my abilitys. Even when we broke up, I never actually 'wanted' to, I just felt like i had to because of our problems.

The thing is now im not far from turning 25, and the things i want most in my life now? Its to settle down have kids and marrige etc.

I know if she has BPD (my opinion she does, she isnt diagnosed though) then the relationship would be doomed anyway, but there is a part of me that feels i throw that away and now some other guy is living that life with her.

The positive im taking is that i will make sure im commited in any further future relationships and to learn from this, However im really struggling to forgive myself for not being 100% as i feel that accounted for some of our problems.

[trevjim]

After some thinking, I feel I know at least partly why I keep rumination about my ex.

I am making progress with the normal moving on after a breakup, slow, but at least its progress.

However the one thing ive really struggled with is ruminating about her, and thinking what if etc, and i think thats down to me not being happy with my part of the R/S

As we know people with BPD come on pretty fast and intense, My life went from a single 21 year old, enjoying time with mates etc, to the next thing i know, im living with her and raising her son and due to be married, it was a matter of months, but it felt like a blink of the eye.

and I know i had these internal batters, "is this what you want?" "dont you want to live your life more before you settle down?" Things like that. So when the typical stresses of the lifestyle i was now in came up, I feel I didnt have the commitment or patiance to deal with it to the best of my abilitys. Even when we broke up, I never actually 'wanted' to, I just felt like i had to because of our problems.

The thing is now im not far from turning 25, and the things i want most in my life now? Its to settle down have kids and marrige etc.

I know if she has BPD (my opinion she does, she isnt diagnosed though) then the relationship would be doomed anyway, but there is a part of me that feels i throw that away and now some other guy is living that life with her.

The positive im taking is that i will make sure im commited in any further future relationships and to learn from this, However im really struggling to forgive myself for not being 100% as i feel that accounted for some of our problems.

[WalrusGumboot]

You have to take it easy on yourself. You say you are ready for marriage and children now, but you might not have been ready when you were 21 with your exBPDgf. Raising children is about as hard of a job as you can find... .  it is harder by 100-fold when raising children with a pwBPD.  I know, I did it, and what should have been one of the most rewarding times in my life became a daily struggle for sanity.

Consider yourself lucky you are not with her and trying to raise a family. She might have been your first serious relationship and you feel that you might not find another one, but you will! Each year that passes you will become a better person if you learn from your mistakes, and we all make them. Tons of them.

One way to start the forgiveness process is to make the determination you are going to improve in those areas that you failed so that they won't be repeated. You are very young and you have your whole life to hone yourself into the man you want to be. I am 51, and I cringe when I think about the way that I was in my 20's, and the things I did that I regret. It's all water under the bridge so best left behind.

WG

[trevjim]

Thank you walrus, you are right, I wasn't ready then and even felt pressured in to the engagement etc. Will do my best to learn from these things.

[mango_flower]

I could have written this very post myself!

I never wanted marriage and kids.  She sold me the dream.  I started to want it but even though I was 32, I still started thinking "wow this is all so fast, just need a little more time! I want to be with her but my thoughts haven't quite caught up yet re: "forever"!)

So I asked if we could postpone the wedding for a year, then we could both save more money, both be 100% ready and both enjoy it.

Then she had a meltdown, ran away, leaving me with bills and debts and a rental contract for our home, and started a new life in a new town.  She has now met somebody else and just got engaged! (3 months after dumping me!)

So yeah... .  all I can think is "I'm kicking myself - if I'd just gotten married like I was supposed to, then I would have all the lovely things with her... .  the marriage, the babies... .  " *sigh*  And now this girl is going to get all that instead of me! (and believe me, the good times were good)

The only thing that helps me is seeing her crazy-making right now - the passive aggressive facebook statuses and texts, the dramas, the constant asking me things like "tell me how you REALLY felt when I got engaged?".  And I don't like that side of her.

I'm slowly and surely beginning to think "wow, her new fiancee is welcome to her!" - poor girl doesn't know what she's in for as soon as she does ONE thing that my ex doesn't agree with or doesn't like... .  she will bottle it all up, and then hit her with it all at once!

So yeah.  And those things we want - to settle down and have the families - they WILL happen. But with other people - more stable people - who we can RELY on, who will put 100% into the relationship but as an equal team. Somebody you won't have to worry about their emotional state 24/7, and feel like you have to walk on eggshells with.  Somebody who you will be just as happy with, but without the crazy... .  

Just keep that image in your head.  And pity the new guy she's with now.  Because from the outside you'll only be seeing the good and thinking "oh they're so happy, that could have been me!" But rmind yourself of all the little things, the negative moods, the dramas, the constant see-saw of emotions... .  and how that sucked all of your energy away... .  and feel sorry for whoever she's with now... .  

It's hard, I know.

But think about where you want to be in 20 years time... .  

[seeking balance]

The positive im taking is that i will make sure im commited in any further future relationships and to learn from this, However im really struggling to forgive myself for not being 100% as i feel that accounted for some of our problems.

what if your "not be sure" was a part of the problem?  Is it unreasonable to want to go slow until you are ready? 

NO

You lived in your truth, she didn't ONLY leave for someone else because of you - if I recall you had rescued her from a traumatic divorce, etc.

What will help you is when you realize your faults (and we all had things we did wrong in these relationships)... .  look at why.  Look at was it reasonable, look at what you learned and do things different next time.

So, now you know you want this marriage/kids thing -great.

Grieve this relationship, learn boundaries and skills for next time.

Peace,

SB

[afterdeath]

Thank you walrus, you are right, I wasn't ready then and even felt pressured in to the engagement etc. Will do my best to learn from these things.

G'day mate!  :-)

I am turning 25 March first. So we can relate extremely well, I helped my ex raise her daughter. I believe that's why I am having such a hard time with this, I was daddy, and now I'm nothing but a forgotten memory.

Any who, the reason I write: we all have those doubts. I questioned the same things, am I missing out, is this what I want, is this right for me. The only way we know if we are ready is by doing it, and I did it.

I was ready, I was a dang good daddy too. In the end she wasn't ready to settle down and ran off with my replacement.

The what ifs are fine, it's the actions that are taken that count.

What if you didn't get out before it was to late?

Consider it a dodged bullet of not having to go through a divorce our waste even more time and money.

I grieve the loss of them every day and tried to blame myself, but, she made her choice and it really want because of my actions, but because of her own selfish desires.

She threw away a family, destroyed all our memories, and acted like it never happened, it will bite her one day when daughter asks of what happened to daddy and finds out the truth for herself.

Any time you want to message me feel free, same age, same situations, I thought it impossible. How ironic this huge world how small it really is.

[trevjim]

Wow, thank you everyone, glad/sad to see some people are in the same boat!

Just keep that image in your head.  And pity the new guy she's with now.  Because from the outside you'll only be seeing the good and thinking "oh they're so happy, that could have been me!" But rmind yourself of all the little things, the negative moods, the dramas, the constant see-saw of emotions... .  and how that sucked all of your energy away... .  and feel sorry for whoever she's with now... .  

Thats all i can do, when i was last in contact with her, she told me how happy she is etc, and i guess thats lingured in my mind, In reality right now she could be screaming in anger at him . I think im worried about if/when she gets engaged/pregnant, the news will filter through to me as we keep many mutual friends. It shouldnt effect me as she has moved on, and im trying to, but it probably will

what if your "not be sure" was a part of the problem?  Is it unreasonable to want to go slow until you are ready?

NO

You lived in your truth, she didn't ONLY leave for someone else because of you - if I recall you had rescued her from a traumatic divorce, etc.

What will help you is when you realize your faults (and we all had things we did wrong in these relationships)... .  look at why.  Look at was it reasonable, look at what you learned and do things different next time.

So, now you know you want this marriage/kids thing -great.

Grieve this relationship, learn boundaries and skills for next time.

Peace,

SB

again, thank you, that is what im aiming to learn from this. Just sucks ive got no one to share it with right now, I feel ive got so much love to give and no one to give it too. If there is one thing i do know, its that you cant force love, you just gotta live your life and let if find you, im just not very patiant . Also the upside to time is it gives me more time to heal.

I am turning 25 March first. So we can relate extremely well, I helped my ex raise her daughter. I believe that's why I am having such a hard time with this, I was daddy, and now I'm nothing but a forgotten memory.

Yup, the hardest part from me was losing my 'son' , I was his daddy and now ive been replaced. Not alot we can do as step parents, I just thought it was disgusting her family didnt seem to care that the child was now onto his third 'daddy' she probably smeared me though.

I guess at the end of the day its about me now, and not them. Its just hard having come so far in your dream life, to have it snached away in a really cruel way.

[afterdeath]

Wow, thank you everyone, glad/sad to see some people are in the same boat!

Just keep that image in your head.  And pity the new guy she's with now.  Because from the outside you'll only be seeing the good and thinking "oh they're so happy, that could have been me!" But rmind yourself of all the little things, the negative moods, the dramas, the constant see-saw of emotions... .  and how that sucked all of your energy away... .  and feel sorry for whoever she's with now... .  

Thats all i can do, when i was last in contact with her, she told me how happy she is etc, and i guess thats lingured in my mind, In reality right now she could be screaming in anger at him . I think im worried about if/when she gets engaged/pregnant, the news will filter through to me as we keep many mutual friends. It shouldnt effect me as she has moved on, and im trying to, but it probably will

what if your "not be sure" was a part of the problem?  Is it unreasonable to want to go slow until you are ready?

NO

You lived in your truth, she didn't ONLY leave for someone else because of you - if I recall you had rescued her from a traumatic divorce, etc.

What will help you is when you realize your faults (and we all had things we did wrong in these relationships)... .  look at why.  Look at was it reasonable, look at what you learned and do things different next time.

So, now you know you want this marriage/kids thing -great.

Grieve this relationship, learn boundaries and skills for next time.

Peace,

SB

again, thank you, that is what im aiming to learn from this. Just sucks ive got no one to share it with right now, I feel ive got so much love to give and no one to give it too. If there is one thing i do know, its that you cant force love, you just gotta live your life and let if find you, im just not very patiant . Also the upside to time is it gives me more time to heal.

I am turning 25 March first. So we can relate extremely well, I helped my ex raise her daughter. I believe that's why I am having such a hard time with this, I was daddy, and now I'm nothing but a forgotten memory.

Yup, the hardest part from me was losing my 'son' , I was his daddy and now ive been replaced. Not alot we can do as step parents, I just thought it was disgusting her family didnt seem to care that the child was now onto his third 'daddy' she probably smeared me though.

I guess at the end of the day its about me now, and not them. Its just hard having come so far in your dream life, to have it snached away in a really cruel way.

Exactly. I am still enraged by the fact they try to erase us like the child won't remember, dooming their future to for experiencing such unstable relationships.

If it makes you feel any better, her mom told me she knew I was a good daddy and her daughter was heartless for doing what she did, they used to try and keep me I'm contact with the child the first time, this time I told them it was better off to just forget me because is not healthy to have three daddies in the Childs life.

Mostly everyone saw through her lies, even her office mate I hardly knew, they knew I was a good guy.

I'm sure theyknow you are too

[freshlySane]

Man same story she is a mother of three kids divorced two baby fathers i gave her a job when she was living in the shelter. she complained i was not  loving enough i worked 12 hr shifts 60 day a week ( all my money went to her and the kids). now i'm not perfect but i did darn good i love those kids i miss the youngest my little ballerina today i listened to her favorite song and cried and like you she is off with a new man younger guy who is in the military on her twitter he can do no wrong and she shows so much of affection to him i never got an ounce of that and it destroys me inside i can not mask it but it does. i was horrible to her when i got fed up but i was pushed to my limits degraded cheated on emotional abused physically abused all the while told i deserved it. And when military boy came into the picture i grew horns and a tail in her eyes. the fact that you had doubts and was not  sure was not a red flag it was a healthy response am i ready to be a father? am i ready for the responsibility of taking care of a women and a child?. Pardon my french you did not lay with her you did not procreate with her that is not your child.

So if you wanted to grow as a man and eventually a husband a strong sensible women would acknowledge that. you want a family and if she was healthy she would of waited. Men on a whole are not quick to take up such a responsibility so should of been happy and grateful for you as you were for her. trust me it hurts and you may not see it i still dont but one day she will now you was the one and she let you get away. if you accept BPD behavior and they cant accept non then they cant accept anything